Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

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Hi Iam new here. Iam married to a verbally abusive controlling narcissist. Sometimes the walls are up and Iam Ok...convince myself that we can be a happy family. Sometimes he is normal, friendly. But a lot of the time Iam walking on eggshells.
There is no way out for me, so I need to beleive that things are not that bad. But sometimes it hits me like a brick, literally takes the wind out of me. I will never be loved,never feel safe, never just be able to chat , be friends with a man I love.

We have been together since I was 14 and he 16. I got pregnant at 16 but aborted. Pregnant again at 17...had my darling boy, who is now 18 and at uni. I dropped out of my a levels to have DS and have not worked or learned since. DH went onto uni and is a lawyer.
He has ALL the power ALL the control. i have nothing. It is HIS house. I could not even get a job in mac d's.

For my kids (dd is 12) i have tried to have a family...they have a stable home..rather than live with me alone and have nothing. i just keep my mouth shut.

Hi Mary are you married?

Mary when did you realise he was abusive?

Sorry to give you the inquisition - If you are married you should get everything you need to provide for your youngest until he is 18. You still have your health, you can train for a diploma within a short time and gain a qualification to earn a reasonable wage. There are lots of things you can do - the government want us all to work until we are about 90 now, so you have decades of working life to progress into. The future isn't bleak - it's YOURS.

He's had his cake and eaten it, but it's your cake too. By looking after the children and home you have enabled him to get his career and if it's lucrative it will in turn, support you while you find a way forward towards independence.

Hi..Iam sorry I just realised I have a similar name to mary poppins who posts here. Sorry marypoppins.

Yes..we married 8 yrs ago..abroad just the 4 of us there. He used to be cruel to me sometimes even as far back as when I was 14...of course i was too young to realise. It escaled after I was tied to him at 17 when ds was born...and then bit by bit ove the years he had all the power and it was open season for him to treat me howwever he likes.

Every time he sneers at me and tells me to "just fuck off" in that low drawling voice. I die a bit inside. It has never gotten easier.

I just shut down now...never argue back...golden rule..took me years to learn that one. moron..idiot..stupid, never get used to it.

i know now that he is a narcissist. He is ALWAYS right, never apologies, thinkd he is gods gift to this world.

Oh God how can anyone treat their partner, the mother of their children, the person that they have committed to love honour and cherish, by telling them to 'just fuck off'.

Horse...he honestly does not think he is doing anything wrong. My stupid behaviour makes him swear. I never know what Iam going to do that will ignite it. My house is clean and tidy. not perfect but clean and tidy. If he wants to be annoyed at me he can just go into any room and throw the contents of a draw onto the floor. Apparantly it will have been too messy and iam a lazy idiotic fucking moron. and he is sick of my behaviour.

he honestly beleives that HE puts up with me..and that he loves me in his warped way.

I have realised over the years that he is a mans man. his friends think he is great...the life and sould, a good laugh, always there for them etc etc. they don't see his other side. although sometimes a bit of it slips through.
He has not much interst in talking to me,,you know chatting about stuff. Even now i still try sometimes...its lonely. He just doesn't answer me or tells me he is not interested in that about 90% of the time. the other 10% he will chat a bit but if I get too comfortable the conversation can end with him disagreeing or I will slip up and show an example of my "lazyness" or idioticness and he will give me the stare..or tell me to fuck off.

Mary... if you're married and live in the UK, everything you both have is marital assets. It doesn't matter which one of you did the earning, the law recognises you as a team who sent one member out to earn while the other kept the home. This actually worked against me when I divorced, as I had brought all the assets to the marriage. He got half of everything and 40% of my pension because I had been out earning one while he (theoretically) managed the home. It miffed me because I didn't feel he had fulfilled his part of the bargain, but I recognise the law has to work this way to be fair in most cases when one partner loses their earning potential because they are busy bringing up the family etc. This could be you. You need to get some legal advice of your own, but it doesn't have to cost you. Try your local Citizens Advice. They've also got some good online advice guides to start you off.

If you aren't in the UK I don't know how it works, but it's still worth checking out, unless you live in one of those societies where women are regarded as chattels by the law rather than just by some recidivist arseholes.

Yes..Iam inthe UK..but I won't leave. I have no money..no where to go and DH works away during the week..so I can cope. i convince myself on a monday that everything is oK...I wamt to keep life stable for my kids. I don't really care what happens to me. Iam not afraid physically.
I have put up with it for over 20 years now...staying is easier..Its just that lately the black cloud has come over me again. I avoid people, sit at home with the curtains shut. I think its because christmas is hard..2 weeks at home.

If this has been your life since you were 14 I'm not surprised you find it hard to envisage any other. It may be a bit easier when he isn't there but nevertheless you do sound awfully depressed. Something has got to give somewhere - I honour you for not wanting to disrupt the children's lives but you don't need to offer up your own entire life on the altar of Doing It For The Kids either. There are options. You just can't see them at the moment because you are in a pit of despair. Life does hold more and it will be possible, at some point, maybe not just now, to enjoy it. You're young still. You could, for example, pick up your A level studies or even a degree, studying at home. Once the DCs are all at school you could look into getting a part-time job, even volunteering in a charity shop or something, just for a change of scene, since presumably your household doesn't need the money.

It's never too late to change things until you're actually underground.

Thanks Annie. does anyone know, how I would go about finding a counsellor, or therapist? i have so much to talk about I don't know where to begin. i can't trust my judgement anymore.

Hello, note the colour I am

Will reply properly later Mary, for now all I can say is aargh, and send hugs.

"I avoid people, sit at home with the curtains shut."

mary, I lived like this for 3 years, refusing to go out, and if i did, wanting to run back inside to get away from the freaks in the country I lived in.

You are not me, you are not living as I was, but you have condemned yourself to a life sentence for a crime you never committed.

FGS woman, tell him you need him to find somewhere else to go on the weekends. If you are married, then you can claim at least half of the assets of the marriage. Never forget that, you have a right to that house too.

You are depressed BECAUSE OF HIM. Stop patching over, stop medicating it away, get rid of the source of the infection.

Where do you start? Calling WA would be a good first step, get used to talking. Then go to your GP once you are strong enough to have that face-to-face conversation and ask for help/referral to a therapist.

OK, just realised that YOU are a different mary... I was a little in your face there... sorry!

You need to regain your strength, and you can do that by opening up, by calling WA and chatting with them and telling them that you think he may be abusive, but you need to talk it through with someone to be sure. They will help you.

Get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That and read it. it will show you that none of this is your fault, and that nothing you ever do will change it.

This is the very beginning of a long journey you are about to take, you are not ready for many of the suggestions I make here, but you will, in time, realise that you must make these steps.

If nothing else, you must show your boys how to treat a woman...

You can do this, we can help guide you if that is what you need. Keep posting.

scream, I just read your post! you kicked him out? and he went?

YOU ROCK GIRLY! Out of interest, did you let on to the OW that you were who you were?

Well done love!

fool and scream sorry I've missed your momentous moments. Glad to see there is freedom out there somewhere.

Mary6 - when you have two weeks with your partner at Christmas, you're supposed to think - great, we have lots of time to spend together and enjoy each other's company. You shouldn't be feeling that a black cloud has descended. But remember that black cloud is him, it's nothing to do with you. He's created it to smother you to keep you where he wants you.

Nowadays at school they have finally admitted that exclusion is a form of bullying. I can't imagine what it must be like to try and talk to someone and 90% of the time, that they say 'I'm not interested in that'. And then to give you the 10% bait of a conversation that lasts - until he decides to stop it, leaving you alone again. Exclusion is a powerful tool designed to isolate someone.

When you have a chance you should talk to Womens Aid or try to contact your local DV service through the council. Emotional abuse is domestic violence - not everybody knows that. If it takes place in the presence of children it is child abuse.

Remember you have survived this long because you are strong - you have been able to cope with this man's abuse where many weaker women would have left. Imagine what you could do with that strength if it wasn't being wasted like this. You're tired now that's all.

Can't sleep... am having one of those days/nights. Full of self doubt I feel like i just can't do this.........

But thankyou for your heart warming words Hissy...no I couldn't let on as was there for work reasons. Probably for the best....causing a scene would not have been an option. Instead, I just stared. It was a massive lightbulb moment.( I would, however, have loved to rip her tw**ing head off )

Its ds Birthday tomorrow for some reason its making me sad, then guilty for feeling so.

Am going to try and sleep, Oh and FOOL please post again soon. I always wonder if you are ok ??

If it was me there would have been a few ruffled feathers I can tell you. Coffee spilled, waste-paper baskets emptied, phones hurled, that kidn of thing.

Enjoy DS birthday tomorrow - spoil him rotten.

Sorry to read about everyone's struggles... I've left now. It seems really quick although it's been eight weeks since I decided. I guess it's short in comparison to 15 years together (which he keeps reminding me that I am 'throwing away').

The more I read about EA the more I realise how much crap I put up with. I read one article that said: "How does he treat waiting staff? This is a good indicator of how he feels about women etc." - He took me out a few weeks ago for my birthday and had such an argument with the waitress that she ended up with tears in her eyes and other diners were staring at us. It was AWFUL! And I said nothing because he would have been really angry with me for criticising him and thought he was so RIGHT about talking to her like shit. GOD!

Hi Bighouse, Well done you!! You have taken a big step. You are not throwing anything away...you are only gaining now

I will always feel like its the years we spent together as the ones i threw away!!

Its 4 weeks ago now that he left....

Your ex sounds like an idiot, My ex was always quite flirty towards female waitress' but as we hardly ever ate out it wasn't a huge problem.
His problem was with eating out with the DCs. He just spent the entire time shouting at them to be quiet and keep still....blah blah. It just spoiled it and made everyboby involved feel so uncomfortable. He is A NOB.

Thanks for caring scream Things have been truly awful here . On sat he managed to ruin DD's birthday with yelling screaming and shouting abuse....why did I not phone the police?.....because I completely shut down into an incapable idiot...I am so conditioned. And because he did it in front of his parents (who i had invited as a precaution against such things).

Now I have to find a way to stop contact completely and stop hoping that this poor excuse for a male will actually care about them or any one except himself.........

of course the written acknowledgment might go some way to helping social sevices, CAFCAS and lawyers see him for what he really is???!!!!

well done Big house, scream

and keep on going Mary, little steps. I too can't see how we will cope, but it must be possible...others have done it!!!

ds was 6 just before christmas, I too felt emotional, but it passes. I'll be back on here later to share a few things that may help those recently out. It DOES get easier!

Of course everyone here will cope! Those of us already out are coping aren't we? We're not superhuman, we are all the same here.

A good day to everyone, catch you all later, this thread's too big for my phone to load really, so keeps crashing it.

Hi Fool, Good to hear from you....even if its not good news

Yes you are conditioned, so am I, but we are aware now and shutting down is

a coping strategy.I would'nt have phoned police either, it was your DD party

for gods sake!!! why should you rise to it? after all its done to provoke you.

Keep going Fool... one foot in front of the other. I really hope it gets easier for

you. well done for getting this far.

My DS birthday today...I ve got it all to come later on. Am dreading

it...everything is a huge effort right now....