Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Happy New Year Flanelle, I will come back to you in a mo if I may....

Rudolf, there may be Self-Esteem issues, relationship ended this year (OM). I think there is a joint recovery/kindness dynamic, but that is OK. I love caring for people and it makes me happy. It also helps me come to terms with my own issues. It's why I started out posting on here, it deflected away from me, (I couldn't talk about myself AT ALL to begin with) posting about the issues and feelings of others helped me understand my own.

Having someone who understands the importance of that and needs to heal too is fine. It also means the pace of the 'relationship' can be slower. he has indeed said he is awestruck, which flummoxes me tbh. Silly man, does he not realise 90% of attraction for a female is mental not physical. the physical is the icing on the cake. For me he is cute, he IS attractive, what I have seen of him in pics.

Anyway, regardless of this, I have DONE Tall Dark & Handsome, repeatedly and it rarely ends well. I'd rather someone treasure me, allow me to BE me and stimulate me to think, laugh and enjoy myself rather than second guess myself, worry I've committed some huge error, or afraid he'll kick off/sulk/go fuck someone else.

WRT the compliments, I don't know what to do with ANY of them, from ANYONE. My dad was hypercritical, I AM hypercritical of myself, my X was abusive and shot me down in flames at every opportunity.

If I test the statements out, I 'can' just about see that there is some truth in the words of others, but I don't feel the words as soothing, they feel neutral. Like they are irrelevant and not meant for me.

Will discuss this in more detail at counselling... must. write. notes. to. remind. self.

Another one who is hopeless at receiving compliments here, I have been told the thing to do is to say thank you, although it feels weird even saying that. I remember so well my early teens and twenties thinking I was fat and ugly - but I looked quite lovely and was well proportioned and umpti-tidly stone lighter than now .

Nice to see you here Flanelle - our circumstances have been strangly similar in a dissimilar kind of a way. It's taken me a long time to wake up, my mental health has suffered, I suffered verbal and emotional abuse, 2 DC, managing on a very tight budget - in my case trying to stretch a lump sum for as long as it took for AH to win our bread, as my attempt to work f/t had ended inillness. Unfortunately it's taking him a very long time -so long that it probably counts as forever by now.

WOW Flanelle love, you have done so well! Look how far you have grown! and all by yourself!

Have you continued in counselling? Have you tried the freedom programme? There is a Recovery Toolkit programme too as far as I am aware, but I keep forgetting to ask about it I did the FP and it was very good, if nothing else it helped me physically open my mouth and speak about myself. See previous

There are still some subjects that I cry over, but I'm getting better day by day.

Houdini, thank you :-) It does feel good. I'm going to get back in touch with my counsellor to do a kind of phase two - a deeper look at all my shite and where it comes from - as mostly what we did for about eight months in 2010 was all about waking up and getting out and doing it right (for me and us).
Partly I struggle with guilt still and continue to work on my boundaries and assertiveness. Work in progress!

I don't know about the FP. Will you tell me more, as someone who has experienced it? I'm sorry that you cry. Crying can be good in many ways - but it isn't always, is it?

xF

Thank you Rudolph, nice to be here :-D

Just an update on what I posted yesterday. This morning when he went to kiss me as he left for work he made a farting sound in my face instead of a kiss. It is so weird as he is trying so hard to be on best behaviour, and generally we are getting on quite well.

I know to others it might sound like he is a joker or something, but this guy has never told a joke or laughed in his life!

He also makes rude comments to his mum about her sex life when we see her. They are totally unprompted as she divorced his dad 20 years ago and has been totally single ever since. He just does it to humiliate her, and she can't respond.

Flanelle - what you wrote about your time with your AH is so similar to me, with criticism and judgement and no respect for what I actually do. What amazes me is he makes all these criticisms about how I do nothing while he lies on the sofa watching TV and I'm running about looking after DS.

He doesn't sound at all like a joker. He sounds awful
Don't think I'd ever try and kiss him again. Can't do it can he? My heart's racing just thinking how violated and abandoned I'd feel by that kind of campaign of adolescent cruelty. He really doesn't like women, does he? There's a lot of it about. My ex doesn't really either. Not really. He needs them though, and he hates that. He found someone new very fast indeed and I quite fear for her.

havent got time to read through the thread properly just now, but wanted to say to Mary that you can be sure that no-one here thinks your OH is 'just a joker'

That is SO often how they get away with it- you must have had a sense of humour faliure. And also, each incident by itself- it really could sound from an outsiders perspective like YOU are over reacting.

But we know better

It is so hard to leave though. He loves DS so much and if I leave I'll be going to my mum's which is really far away, so it will be hard for him to see him. I feel so cruel and I think it would destroy him. He had an upbringing from hell, and I think us leaving would destroy him for ever.

My mum says if I stay it will destroy me and DS, but it is hard to see that objectively.

Also most of my friends are single, and I was single for a long time when I met him, and I remember how wonderful I thought he was for so long. When I look objectively I can see how much we've got. And we both want to start trying for another baby. I suppose it is just something deep down which says things aren't quite right

i harp on about this- but the thing which made me end my marriage eventually, was the thought of the effect it would have on dd growing up watching how dad treats mum;

they use your relationship as a template for their own future relationships

how will you feel when your son treats his wife like this? or your you have a daughter and she ends up in a relationship like yours?

or your son abuses you also, when he is old enough?

Mary do try reading some of the articles at the top. He obviously has issues but he is managing to adapt his behaviour to keep you. You said he was worse before but now you are leaving he is modifying the behaviour. This means that he is choosing to do this. What he may not have a choice about is his hangups about bodily functions (quick analysis there but may be wrong) and his obvious hangup about women. If his upbringing has caused this behaviour that's no reason to stay with him and continue to be the object of his disrespect.

Try to imagine what anyone else would say if he did that to someone else.

Also what do your parents and friends think of him?

You asked earlier about what makes people leave - I can't talk as I'm in a similar position to yourself, not got the guts to go yet. But from my years of reading these boards it seems that it can be anything. A sudden last straw or lightbulb moment, a thoughtful plan, or a desperate flight. Or as bejeezus says, the prospect of a dysfunctional family for years to come.

All I can say is do it sooner rather than later, while dcs aren't too involved in school and friends. I'm in the position that if we separate I would have to take the dcs to a different area and live in a tiny flat - and if we sold up and split I would have to move out of London altogether. That's feasible when dcs are young but right now it would be very hard for them to uproot like that. So don't think too much about it. Go before you end up over-analysing and feeling sorry for him. He's making you feel crap. Nobody has a right to do that. Live apart and at least your kids will respect you.

Let him go - he will be fine. He's a grown adult male, he might be upset but he will survive. But you can't survive this humiliation on a daily basis.

I remember when my DD1 was 6 weeks old and taking her with me to my Mum's. I had had enough, but I blamed the house (a building wreck) - never blamed him. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. But he came with me and then we got the house sorted and somehow life took over. After DD2, settling at school, making friends, it suddenly became much harder. In addition to that there were always safety valves if you like, we could go away for a few days, and he was at work all day and so conflict time was minimal.

But if I had had this thread then, I would have seen my relationship for what it was and my life would be so different now.

I think the main reason I'm still here is because he does so much for us. Always building and fixing, always working hard on things. I know it's wrong but I look around and he's done so much providing.

Thanks Horsetowater, my parents hate him and are the biggest supporters of me leaving. They've seen that he treats me badly but they don't know the half of it! My friends all think he is great! When I've tried to talk to them about it, they've laughed it off, or said I should try to be more loving as he is stressed. It was just once when one friend said omg he is a psycho, when I told her how one night he wouldn't let me turn on the light to look after the baby. He was so angry with me, he kicked the baby's basket over, but the baby wasn't in it, and ripped the lamp out the wall and wouldn't give me it back. He then said it was my fault for not using a torch!! Obviously DS was crying the whole time, and DH had an eyemask he could use - or go to the spare room, which he eventually did after 1 hour.

Anyway, I told his sister and stepmum about this and they just said oh dear he must be stressed. My parents would be horrified. Anyway that is by no means the worst example, just one that I told people about.

You are right about going sooner rather than later, and truthfully I do want to go, it is just so unbearably hard I don't think I can do it.

Mary: "My mum says if I stay it will destroy me and DS"

She's DAMN right.

It kind of already HAS destroyed you.

Leaving him is a darn sight easier than staying in a dead end, cancerous relationship like that, one you know will pollute your DS life too, and probably cause HIM to grow up to abuse HIS DW and children too.

You have a duty to stop the rot. Starting now.

OK just have to rant to get all my angry feelings out. Specifically I'm angry at his family not acknowledging his behaviour is bad. I told his mum how when we were in public at the airport, he was angry I didn't move away from the doors fast enough to let people through, so he shoved me with our bags and I fell back against the seats - but I was carrying DS in the sling! His mum wasn't bothered at all by that story, but there is no way I could tell my mum, she would force me to leave straight away.

His whole family tried their hardest to undermine my breastfeeding, it was so pointless, it was as though they were jealous of me or something - and their faces lit up with glee when I started using bottles, as though I'd failed and they loved it.

Well, if you can't you can't. It can be difficult to contemplate, definitely, let alone do. Could I ask you to seriously to consider reading Non-Violent Communicatio by somebody Rosenberg? You are a massively empathetic, thoughtful, considerate person, and I think you would find it a very intuitive approach to getting more of the good stuff and less of the bad in your relationship. You don't both need to read it.

Assertiveness is always good to work on and will help you give clear signals as well as create firm, fair boundaries. Lots of books and courses out there.

Good luck x

X post! You've moved on to the next thing :-)

Run Mary, run. Go back to the people who care about you. Don't even think about it. Buy the books on Amazon, get them delivered to your Mum's and start to look forward to a future of healthy relationships and a stable family life.

Bump. And welcome to all newcomers.

Well having traced where the savings down through the years, last night I had nearly finished the how we lived part. Which meant reliving all the financial worries, and seeing it all in black and white. Even though I knew the situation, just entering the figures gave me a a very creepy feeling, I couldn't sleep and was up till 5.30 doing it. Now I'm about to do the adding up, and I feel very sad and hurt and scared....

MARY! FFS, TELL YOUR MOTHER WHAT YOU TOLD US.

Leave him FGS, there is nothing you can do to make this better. NOTHING.

Mary you will find the strength and it will feel good!

Have not posted much recently as life has been a bit rubbish and he has been behaving badly and finances are shocking.....BUT there is not a day when i don't wake up glad that he is not there beside me and that i can get up and get the (many) Dcs up and out without having to worry about, put up with or facilitate his behaviour.

Today i took my wedding ring off, first time since it was put on. If I doubted what he was before we spit I have no doubts now...it's all out there to be seen (and read). I never had another boyfriend let alone a relationship and I may never now (given the rather crowded life I have)....but it will still be better than what I had with him!!

love and best wishes to all strength and power and may 2012 be the year when things change (or continue to change) for the better for all of us.

don't dare ....goes straight to my head!!!!!!

To echo what has already been said, yes Mary you will find the strength!! and yes it will feel very good. Once you have it, it will grow inside you, you will feel empowered.

There may be set backs along the way...but once you've had a taste of freedom you will strive to maintain it.

Fool...Im so happy for you. I too am now separated from DH.

Just before Xmas I went to his work ( not to see him, he didnt know i was there) I had to wait in reception for a while and whilst waiting I saw a woman walking into the large waiting room. The receptionist stated talking to her. She called her by the same name as the woman who had an affair with my DH. My heart started pounding....it was her!!!

I sat watching her for about 20 mins.....she was so plain....nearly 20 years younger than me, I just thought ' what the hell am I doing???' ' I know she came to my house and used my bed for a period of about 2 years ( ish) She must have been grateful for it...I thought about all the horrid things he had done, the way he treated me!! the mother of his 3dc!!! About the years of lies and abuse.

What sort of woman sleeps with a man in another womans bed? A shit one, one who is just grateful for the attention, delighted that she has claimed another womans man..maybe. Who knows......

He maintains that it is over between them.....yes that old chesnut!!!

Bollox...

I went home that night and told him calmly that if he didn't leave there and then I would ring the police.....he didnt want that..oh no they might find his stash of weed!!

He went.

I am changing...changing back into ME. I truly can feel it coming over me. I know its not going to be easy but I do not care...I am FREE.

sorry for long ramble....Happy New Year...im looking forward to it. Bring it On

How are you doing, Rudolph? Remember, although the memories may be vivid the events are over. You know now, you'll never be taken for a fool like that again, and once you know where you stand today you can start making plans towards where you want to stand tomorrow. Excelsior!

Thanks Annie I thought I had moved beyond those feelings as am divorcing him - the sums hopefully will help me keep more than 50% of what is left. We are still in the same house though, and he has no money to move out till the settlement is agreed and he takes what he can get of mine