Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

and now, and this is thanks to you Bibi, I have RL choc cake, from the co-op but is pretty good for bought

Well, I'm glad to have been of cake service Rudolph.

I was just about to cry that I don't have any cake but remembered the slice of cheesecake I treated myself to - time to stick the kettle on :)

Dear Bibi, Prost!
Alles gute zum Geburtstag!

Vielen Dank, struwelpeter - ich denke gerade an bei der familie anzurufen und ich kann das deutsch uben :)

Rubbish german speaker now which is terrible considering i was bleddy born there!

Hey BIBI! Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag!!

It was DS birthday party today (BD proper is on Weds) 10 6yos at the local ice rink... it was a BLAST!!!! They ALL had a GREAT TIME! So I have had cake! I will raid the wine box later tho...

So today was a 'Good Mummy Day' Today I don't feel I failed. Today I did a good job.

Ah Ha So, jetzt sprechen wir alle Deutsch oder?
Ja Bibi herlizlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag

Excellent Hissy, sounds like a blast, wish I could have joined in. We have no ice rinks round here sadly

I loooove ice skating - used to do that as a regular birthday treat. You NEVER fail btw, not just today. Can just see you whizzing round on your skates :)

Was singing along to one of my current play again and again songs while preparing my snacks - Christina Perry's Jar of Hearts.

Not in a maudlin way but a belt it out thank fuck I'm not stuck in the old life anymore way.

I'd like to dedicate the lyrics to everyone on this thread (it's still my birthday :)) because they're just so apt and great.

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul so don't come back for me WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I hear you're asking all around, if I'm anywhere to be found but I HAVE GROWN TOO STRONG TO EVER FALL BACK IN YOUR ARMS.

I learned to live HALF A LIFE and now you want me one more time.

And it took so long to feel alright, REMEBER HOW TO PUT THE LIGHT BACK IN MY EYES.

And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart, you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul so don't come back for me DON'T COME BACK AT ALL.

*favourite parts sung with most loud conviction in bold.

Thank you all for letting me put that down. Lovely birthday pressie, just what I wanted :)

Boxing day was the day that finished it for ex, year 2002. Living in annexe of parent's house, had told him there was no relationship for a year but he wouldnt go, so had continued to share a space and a bed for a whole year (though with nothing going on in that bed)
Extra christmas present opening and dinner with all the family, mum dad, me, him, 2 year old DD, my sister, sister's fiance (not husband) and his parents. Ex trying to monopolise all conversation and 'can I help you mum' brown arsing to my mum, but couldnt wait to get out. Said he needed to pop out to get something, he would be back in an hour, made a BIG THING of saying 'see you in a bit' to sis's PIL, who then hung around for him to come back, despite the mother being very ill. Waited and waited. I knew he wouldnt come back. My parents knew he was unlikely to come back, but PIL had been swept away by his charm (was 1st time they had met him and he'd done the whole show for them) so they were not going til they saw him, as he had promised he would only be an hour. Needless to say he never came back or phoned that night, and my sister had to try to diffuse the situation of a now quite drunk and ill MIL who was getting morose, and basically forcing them out of the house. she was furious. My dad was furious. especially as ex always gave out about family and about people not respecting him. Next day he didnt turn up either until I had gone to bed, so by following day my dad was ready to blow a fuse at the 'to use one of his own phrases, the total disrespect shown to us when we have never shown him anything but good hospitality'
I went back into our annexe, he refused to get up, I told him my dad wanted to speak to him, and then I went back into the main house and let my dad loose on him. Twat had managed to pack before he got there as if to demonstate that it was already his idea to leave! Twat swore at my mum and my dad nearly swung for him, mum held him back. my dad is not a violent man. And then, thank god, he was gone.
And then on to the crapness of contact..........

sorry, should have been fiance (NOW husband)

Gosh nettle Can I borrow your Dad??

Ohh Christmas stories.....this is the one that is about to happen here I think!!

OH refuses to talk about Christmas because he's "going to be back or he will divorce me"
I have made 3 separate plans involving his family with the potential to involve him (behind his back due to above) which he has managed to blow out of the water.....he didn't even know he was!
Now due to his blooming awful behaviour to DCs he's going to see them Christmas eve morning, and that's it!!!!
If I can stick to it it is going to prove to be my best Christmas EVER!!!!

cue evil laugh he he he he he

Happy Birthday Bibi and well done on the fantastic progress you have made since last December. It is lovely hearing you cheerful and happy.

Fool well done on laying down some ground rules. This is a difficult time of year because everybody has such high expectations of Family Life. Stick to the Plan!

Nettle it must make you doubly pleased you have Got Rid, and well done to your Dad.

I have just got in from supper with my DC and H at his (our) house as they are all home. It was lovely to see them all and hear the banter between them and they were pleased I was there. H made a big effort with the cooking.

I was aware of how much materially I have given up for my freedom sitting there. But equally as the New Improved Little House without my sharp tongue and fierce temper to protect me I felt naked and defenseless in the face of the harshness that H uses without meaning to or realising he is doing it. I am too soft to cope with it now. I could never survive in that house it would crush me.

I need the gentleness and kindness of my Very Nice Man now, and the safety of my Little House!! and some of Bibi's cake!

Hi All,
RL is obviously busy for all of us at the moment!
Happy BD BiBi (late ...as usual).

fully immersed in school Chrismas shows/concerts (done 8 now, 3 to go) many many opportunities for OH to rattle my cage, be horrid, manipulative and generally yuk...almost lost it yesterday as he called me a bully an "NHS Automaton" who is not intelligent (that's not quite how he put it), amongst other things...all in fron t of the children...and all because I refused to go Christmas shopping with him.......
Can't wait for the new year...sad cos I love Christmas...just too difficult this year.

still wishing you all a happy time wherever you may be

Wow Fool 11 Christmas things

And he's going to them all? Has he done this in previous years?

Still on with the bloody figures, nearly there, had yesterday off from them and saw friends. Hardly started Christmas, must do some buying on-line and write some cards today.

Of course he's never managed them all before...but now he can suddenly get there!!!! Although TBH he did come to the main ones even when he was here...he's a performer himself, can't be arsed to help the DCs with, lines, music, costumes or anything else but be sure he'll be there for the applause.

Funny thing the way he sees DS1...DS1 has stopped playing an instrument because of the abuse, kept up with the other one but this particular instrument became so much the focus of EA that he can't bear it. BUT Caught OH bragging about DS's achievements on that inst. during yesterday's concert.....he lives in cukoo land he KNOWS DS isn't playing, has given away instrument...but it's so identifies OH with DS that he is not allowed to give up. I have risked wrath cos I'm letting him start an alternative, with the schools blessing........OH needs to get real!

Poor you...finances. yuk.
I can't get anywhere with ours...but there's not much there. OH barely qualifies to give any maintenance because he's so LAZY.

Ditto on the laziness. We've been living on my money, mostly. A little from my earnings (when I've had pt job - but it made me ill again), some from family money - my family, his inheritance went towards this house. TBF he has earned some over the years - not a huge amount, and he didn't go looking for more work, just accepted the bits that dropped into his lap. I'm the one with a mh issue, too! Now he is working all hours selling his collectables on ebay, I think he is living in lala land TBH if he thinks he can make a half-decent living. His plan is to take half of what's left, my plan is to use excel to prove cocklodging and hold over him as bargaining tool. Mwa ha ha ha. Hope it works.

Yes hope it works for you!!

Hello ladies , its been a while

It's been a hectic few months and I haven't been able to keep up with the thread I'm afraid. I just wanted to let you all know that I finally moved out of the marital home and back into my house at the end of September. I re-joined my old company (full time) after three years as a SAHM and the girls started nursery. It continues to be hectic but I'm so much happier. Single parenthood is tough but not as bad as I was expecting. I'm still not fully shot of my H, he is still insisting that I give him (another) chance to change. He has been having anger counselling and is more patient and tolerant of the DC but I feel very little for him now. I tried to spell it out for him last weekend but he wasn't having it. I didn't want to but I'm going to have to be brutal.

Anyway, just wanted to say Hi :)

WDIM well done you!!! So glad you are coping and good to 'see' you. Keep us posted

WDIM, well done.

TBH, he won't 'get it' he won't accept it's over because YOU'RE not entitled to end the relationship. Even if you are totally brutal they still don't get it mostly.

Maybe he will see it one day, probably not. Your only concern is to carry on the best you can and never to look (or go back)

Congratulations to you love, have a superb, peaceful and enjoyable christmas!

Hello.. I'm still watching and wanted to mark my place in the hope that I work up the nerve to post again.

Lovely to see all the newcomers, wish we didn't need the space.

wondering if any of you ladies wanted to add comment/suggestions to this thread.

I have changed my name......again!

I have given Surreydad a piece of my mind too...ignorant twat. (In the news)

hi everyone,
does anyone have any advice on the EA to Dcs?...I am at my wits end.

Yesterday he was here (theoretically moving out...small cheer), and started on DS1 and the rest of us...it was horrible, of course by the end of the process he was draped in children grinning and saying "see how much they love me" "you do want daddy to stay don't you"...now I know that they are well conditioned to pandering and playing roles to keep him sweet, and the older DCs will confided later that they don't want to go to their Dads place without me, younger ones are more straightforward and just see it as an adventure....but they are all in harms way.

Is there anything I can do?
I started out thinking that without me in the picture he would be better behaved and made sure he has had plenty of contact with DCs MISTAKE...now I just want to disappear...forever or better still for him to go..(back to fantasising about alien abduction)_ is there any way to be free when they are still around...not me, for the DCs

fool what does Lundy's book advise? I haven't got to that part yet, just the depressing " this is what he's doing to them" bit

Btw twat is doing the same sort of motional manipulation on my kids. My younger ones see thorugh it, the older ones are dazzled by it all. When they ask why we have to leave I say it's because I can't live with him and he makes me sad. I say that's the decision i have made and nothing's going to change that.
So when your twat's doing the " see how much they love me they want daddy to stay" bollocks just say " yes that may be true but I am not living with you ever again and that's an end to it"
He can't manipulate you through them as much if you make it very clear to them that you do not want to live with him and will not consider it as an option at any point. You are very sorry they are sad, you wish it could have all worked out but daddy makes you feel bad and you don't want to feel bad any more.