Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Ha ha ha, very good, love it!

Here starts the 'exchange the tosser in your life for a hot water bottle or wheat snuggly'

Should be very popular

A lovely cuddly toy for warmth and another with batteries in for the bedroom (ahem) and we're all set for a happy single life :)

A warm frog just sounds wrong. Two rabbits is deffo a better thought!

I was about to sitter on about the three for two on the cuddly things.

Then the two rabbit penny dropped :)

It was really your joke in the first place, Bibi

fool I have no idea how to get a twat to sign something he doesn't want to sign. Maybe learn to hypnotise him????

Hmm do you think the fact that I have made an excuse not to go to counselling tomorrow might mean it's not working quite as I'd hoped? All I do is rabbit on and all she does is tell me how I'm feeling. Like I didn't know Is this what counselling is then? Your experiences on this gratefully received!

Like I have a rant and she says" I can see that makes you really angry Buttons" no shit Sherlock....

buttons Mmmmm wrong sort of counselling for you I think!. Would be for me too. She is doing ego-centric, reflective counselling ie validating your feelings and giving you space to vent them/explore them. For some people merely being heard is enough.
I would guess you would do better with a more directive approach (maybe synthetic counselling where the counsellor picks techniques from different schools and blends them) where you say X s/he says is there anywhere else that you have experienced feelings like in X you say Y and s/he says what helped you cope then....and guides you through self learning/exploration or even does visualisation etc..

Maybe time for a different counsellor?? Or you could ask if they can alter their approach?

No point in doing with a cousellor what you can do more than adequately for free on this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fool exactly, I want someone to make links for me, direct me. I get much better counselling on here. It was useful at first just to be able to vent. But then I thought " what the hell is she being paid for? I could do this, sit in a chair and pull sympathetic faces" Sometimes she bounces back an emotion at me and i tell her that that is wrong. The other week I talked about dreams I was having and she tried to interpret it and i ended up saying that her interpretation was wrong!

Also she is young and I feel doesn't have the life experiences in order to understand where I'm coming from. I want someone older, who's been round the block a few times, you know? The thing is that it's subsidised counselling so I had to take what was offered. I think I'll see out the sessions and then look for someone who can actually help me sort out all this crap!

That just made me laugh buttons 'I could sit in a chair and pull sympathetic faces' - it's how I felt during my counselling.

My counsellor was from the Gestalt stable but I just couldn't bring myself to do the 'talk to the empty chair' type exercises in that. Probably didn't earn me any brownie points with her :)

On the other hand, it was useful to be able to say out loud things I'd never spoken about (childhood etc) - the really heavy emotional stuff just has no place in a chat with a 'normal' RL friend as far as I'm concerned.

Someone who has never suffered abuse, control, manipulation quite rightly would just not be able to respond in an adequate manner and nor did I expect them to (oh hi Bibi, coffee? Love some, thanks btw have I told you how my parents used to feed me dog food for dinner?)

You get the idea :)

I would say, use this counsellor to say out loud what you would never tell anyone otherwise buttons and then move on to a different style of therapy when you're able to.

Posting here is immensely helpful as well (to me anyway) but there's something about actually saying this stuff out loud to a real person which is healing in itself.

Plus the fact that I was paying for her to listen to me so I knew no-one would change the tv channel, put the playstation on and just grunt occasionally

thanks Bibi, what a nice thing to say!

They like to get us of balance, out of control. This means THEY assume control.

By remaining calm, seeing them for what they are, calling them on it and refusing to panic, it makes THEM panic. The more they panic, the more clear headed you need to be, the more calm and quiet. IT WILL DRIVE THEM BATSHIT!

My counsellor barely gets a word in, other than to tell me I'm doing really well!

I keep having these epiphanies, these amazing, weird, out there weeks and I get something else to tell him about. I'm learning to talk positively about myself I suppose!

This week I realised that all this... FEAR, EMOTIONAL STUFF etc is not ME. I realised that I live my life in fear, that fear is what stops me giving myself permission to life.

I realised that where HE may have controlled my life in the past, I am now picking up where he left off. I'm not happy about that ONE BIT.

I wear this fear like a lead overcoat. It's not me, it fits, but I need to ditch it somewhere, but the effort of hauling it about makes me too tired to take it off.

I also see that the fear and HIS RULES/restrictions are what became familiar. I see that life without this is the unknown and that scares me. Mainly because the unknown could have caused repercussions in the past. It's a hang over from then.

So feel the fear and do it anyway I think, keep challenging and pushing my boundaries, and keep moving forward.

I got checked out in the Cafe today. TWICE! By the same VERY NICE man! Almost asked to change the take out cappuccino to a drink in....

Maybe I'll see him again... who knows. [fingers crossed]

Funny when you look up, and see people, that you realise that you are not invisible. It's like that endearing toddler thing, if I cover my face, you can't see me.... Oh yes we can!

I tried really hard to look at the therapist more today. It was a concerted effort, he doesn't know it's my goal. I might not say anything, leave him to note it.

i did discuss my habit of rehearsing conversations though. and also my quick fire twitter sparring. He said it was a good balance. He said it was positive.

I am finding the therapy helpful. For a person that in September couldn't speak about her situation, to one in therapy, one that would rather like a gorgeous hunky man in her life... it's been a bit of a journey eh?

Shamelessly pats self on back.

hissy pom poms and all the razzle dazzle!

unfortunately, whilst it sounds good to have driven OH crazy it is actually awful for me to deal with, i want stability, calm , quiet and some space, not a man and father disintegrating before my eyes!

You pat away Hissy god knows you deserve it! Sounds like you're on a roll with the therapy progress and the noticing of nice men :)

You saying about looking at people more has really struck a chord here, I've been terrible for that all my life. Can't look a shopkeeper in the eye properly most days, when I see someone look at me full on I still feel like they're looking at me and thinking about how terrible I look/sound/act and how dare push myself into their consciousness.

Not good, I know, something to work on.

I've been thinking a lot about the whole man and relationship thing. My interest and libido have recovered enough to frequently find men attractive and the company would be nice.

However, I'm also thinking about whether company needs to automatically be a relationship and with a male, whether I've just been so conditioned towards that it seems the only way to have long term caring company in my life or whether I just need to be braver about making connections with lots of people to share my life and time with.

Got to go finish off my secret Santa pressie for tomorrow now (nothing like the pressure of a deadline for me :))

Am hand-painting a drinking glass and i share that as much to brag :) and also to share my delight in the fact I have mental space and time nowadays to do nice things like that.

Hello,

Can I sneak in? I haven't read all the posts, so apologies for all the me me me stuff.

four days ago my 'D'P grabbed hold of me by the throat whilst I was holding our DD. I screamed, DD cried. 'D'P apolgised - blah blah blah. It's not the first time, over the last few years he's pushed me over, kicked me, grabbed hold of me, thrown stuff at me and physically thrown me out. Never enough to leave a mark and I've never been to the police. Tis gradually getting worse though (he's such a stereotype) Happens at roughly 6 monthly intervals.

I hate him, he disgusts me. I'm lucky to come from a lovely family and have lovely friends and I know full well how everyone deserves to be treated in a relationship.

I don't want my own thread as I'll get flamed for this, but I could do with a bit of handholding at the moment. For now, I'm staying (sort of, I don't talk to him unless I have to and there's certainly no physical contact). The only reason is because I don't want to have to hand DD over to him on a weekly/fortnightly basis. Aside from anything else, he's a drunk and I don't trust him to look after her. If I'm around I can protect her.

I'm sure lots of people will tell me that it'll all be fine, but I've read enough posts on here to know that some men do far far worse and the courts still force the mum's to hand their kids over.

sorry. that was very me me.

I used to watch Prisoner Cell Block H

I know for a fact no-one on this thread will tell you 'it will all be fine' and nor should it be. What a horrible situation you've ended up in prisoner but you don't have to, in fact you mustn't think you have to stay in it.

Glad you found your way here, it's an excellent place full of wonderful people who have been where you are and are getting out or have already left.

Please stick around, read and post and gain the realisation that you're really worth something as a person.

Welcome!

hello PcbH

Welcome to the thread. Sorry you need us all on your journey.
You do realise that this is just one step of the way? Rest your weary legs for now and maybe flop on the virtual bean bag and nibble a mince pie.

After you have rested and read some of the links you will begin to see more. Once your eyes have been opened and you understand what is happening to you and your DC you won't be able to sit still. You won't be able to tolerate the status quo and see your DC learning awful patterns of behaviour and being subjected to abuse.

You will be like the prisoner planning an escape. You can get advice on your legal position, finances and tactics and how to move towards the safe future you and the DC need. Then you will have to start digging a secret tunnel and working slowly towards the day when you burst free.

But for now just take it easy and relax.

Hi Bibi want a virtual mince pie? No calories, and they have pastry stars on...

awesome advice so far. Don't you worry you'resafe ! Noone will flame you. They'll have US to deal with, and we've all had EXPERT training in arguments and bun fights! :)

Do some reading, ask questions, bounce stuff off us. This is the beginning of your journey. We're all here to hold your hand as far as you need us to.

Calories pffft haven't given a rats arse about them for the last year and I'm two stone lighter

We 'wimmin' need to free ourselves from calorie slaver :)

I have grabbed two of your mince pies LGH, warmed them slightly in the microwave and addded a scoop of ice-cream, lovely!

arrgh, slavery not slaver!

Wow well done Bibi and don't forget the 15 stone of useless blubber you lost too!

Sadly I have put back all the weight I lost in the spring since I got all happy and relaxed with my Very Nice Man and cooked him so many meals...

Did I tell you we are going away to a city in Europe to see the Christmas Markets next week? I'm so excited!! It's really romantic

If it's anywhere near the german speaking region I have to go with you you know.

I can order Bratwurst und Gluhwein in a weird English/german hybrid accent :)

Weight schmeight - only weighed myself twice then threw the damn scales in the bin. If you feel good within yourself then great. If however, like me last year you get stitches while tying your shoelaces it may be time to ease off a bit

Hi PCBH welcome. No it's not automatically easier once they are gone but sometimes (or is it just at the right time) people have to go anyway, at least in my case so i can spend 4 days of the week repairing the damage done by the contact, instead of fire fighting constantly. But each one is different. Glad and sorry that you are here in equal measure.

love mince pies, unfortunately still struggling with eating in RL so these are perfect..................adds sprinkle of cinamon sugar.............

Yum to mince pies. Tired of numbers now

ah German christmas markets, how I miss them......

Did you know you have to drink the gluhwein very quickly indeed because it's only tasty when hot. The German's have got it sussed. Get your punters drunk and they'll buy anything!!