Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

No twat gets off my bus or train early I will have to round him up immediately FOTH.

With the benefit of being able to view your twats actions from a detached distance i firmly believe this accusation of you having abused him (as if pffft) and threatening custody is just yet another desperate ploy to 'yank your chain'

A resigned sigh, a severe eyeroll and a 'whatever' is all that shit deserves. One day taking care of all of the children properly would have him running for the hills with his tail firmly between his legs.

Oops, sorry, cooking and posting don't mix - 'running for the hills' as in figure of speech not reference to your user name :)

There ain't no such thing as "custody" of children anyway (unless they're juvenile criminals). It's residence. And he won't get it.

Grab him, Bibi. I'll sit on his head while you hogtie him. (I can't do knots that stay knotted but I sure have a heavy ass.)

@ Annie - my derrière is pretty ample too - poetic justice for an arse to be sat on by two more :)

I was just thinking to myself, I bet these 'men' cannot wrap their tiny brains around the fact their 'slaves' are fighting back. Absolute incredulity and puzzlement I should think which then leads to all of these desperate attempts to bring their possessions back in line.

Long may the rebellion continue!

I could jab him with my pointy elbows????

fool I got the "you are an abuser" speech too and beat myself up about it for a long time. But in fact (and backed up by St Lundy) I was just unhappy and unkind because I was living with a twisty manipulative selfish git. For which I am sorry and ashamed and have apologised.

Now I am not living with him, I am a cheerful kind and friendly person with lots of friends who has only been grumpy ONCE since I left.

It's not you it's him!!!

In the end I looked up my pension forecast, needed for my Form E. :)

oops thread mix up

This is a group I attend. They made a video recently, sadly events conspired to keep me from participating, but I feel that it needs to be shared.

I'm not sending cards this year, I am donating the money I would normally spend to this group to keep it running.

enters to the theme of "the magic roundabout"...oh look it's only 36 hours since I last posted

...so far been through the ..I'm divorcing you and getting the kids speech, You're so awful you are an emotional abuser speech, the I didn't get enough speech , the I'm leaving and you won't see me speech (oh, please please yes!!!!), the I'm getting a flat speech...(also hoping this might actually happen!), the I want to be back by Christmas speech (never in a million years)...It's likeliving in a one man asylum and he isn't even here that much!!!!!!!!!!

Busy going no-where..every time I think i might actually have pinned him down to ANYTHING...off he goes again.

Solicitor being particularly slow too (too much Christmas cheer??) and keeps saying such helpful things as , it would be cheaper if you could get him to sign an agreement voluntarily.

Actually BB and, Annie and Buttons could use all of you to enforce (reasonable) settlement and finally stop going round in circles

Fool, he is flailing around, trying everything and anything to hurt and worry you. It really smacks of desperation, as he must be seeing that you're getting stronger and are seeing through him. Ha!
But it must be exhausting for you. How are you sleeping? Eating? You have a tough enough day job without dealing with his nonsense too.

How's everyone feeling about Christmas? My H is ramping up the lunacy right now as Christmas without me and the DCs approaches. It's always been a bad time to be around him, even when we were together (I don't know why but he always had the mother of all tantrums at Christmas), and I feel like I'm bracing myself for something bad to happen.

Great video, Hissy. Very brave of all the women who took part.
I did my talk for the Freedom Programme yesterday (couldn't work out how to PM you to ask you to have a look) and it went well, I think. The process of reflecting over the past 3 months was really useful too, as I've realised just how much progress I've made. Things (contact with H) can be tough, but apart from that, life in my house with the lovely DCs can be glorious :)

PS lovely to 'see' you Bibi

Funnily enough, I think we will have a nice Christmas, both the stbx's (me and him), our 2 young adult kids for the day, nice food, booze and Dr. Who. And pressies (trickier) and a tree.

So far my preparations have stopped after buying cards but I am doing my forme divorce excel.

Reading your last post Fool, i got a mental image of one of those 'whack-mole' games - your ex is just hammering away at all the 'moles' to see which one still gives a reaction, total desperation I think, keep going you're getting ever closer to complete freedom from him.

That's an incredibly courageous video your group made, Hissy. Messages like that really need to be seen and heard far more than they are now.

It's a video made to try to encourage women to come forward, to trust the police and to let them help.

I can't tell you how lucky we are to be in a country that when you call the police, things get better, people come that might be on our side, that can stop the madness, even for just a moment, or a few hours. The rest is up to us.

Fool. Step back. TGTF, you too. OBSERVE. your collective instints are finely tuned, are bang on the nail.

this is the panic I endured for the trip from my house to the airport, in over 10 years i'd never seen him panic at full volume before and it was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen. I have no idea where where I found the strength to do so, but I just focussed on getting to where I needed to go and blanked everything else out.

I called him out on all his individual techniques, naming them one by one and suggesting that it was too late, that he had no chance and to remain quiet would go further if he was hoping to endear himself to me.

The more they panic, means the closer you are to the goal of freeing yourself. The madder it gets, the harder you hold on to the truth, to what you know has to happen.

If it helps to just have an expression for example 'It's over', to repeat over and over and over, then find yours and use it as your protective shield. The more often you use it, the stronger it becomes.

Trust me.

Bi bi LOL exactly wack a mole...now where's my extra huge hammer...for him!

hissy thanks I was thinking about your OH "unravelling" whilst you were escaping to the airport all through the mad Monday....mine just keeps getting madder, horrid to see. Fortunately here I do have physical help at the end of a phone, unfortunately I keep having to see him due to DCs...but perhaps he'll unravel enough to make that impossible? Don't really wish him ill though, just wish him truly, properly gone.

Maybe eventually?

I listen to my Buffy CD a lot, many of the songs are quite relevant I have found. The one I am thinking of at the moment is called 'Virgin State of Mind', and I think that phrase sums up a state I've found useful - one that leaves aside all the shit that has happened, so that it is not feeding into my reaction, also it's a state where I don't get mixed up with his head state in any interactions. don't always succeed, but it helps.

Fool, if he uses the DC visits to abuse you, you can stop the visits. You CAN dictate the terms on which you will be treated/spoken to.

You HAVE that power, you have that right.

Fool, sorry, meant to say, you saw what was happening, and you called it correctly.

Stay steely calm, stay absolutely focussed and resolute. 'I want you to leave' over and over. If he won't, call the police. Seriously. Show you mean business.

He's banking on the fact that you will eventually lose your nerve, STFU and ask him back. he knows if he puts enough pressure, you will cave.

But you won't, will you?

oh no...actually his bizzarre behaviour has just left me feeling/thinking ????who are you actually??? how did I ever fall for you?

I got that. It's the weirdest thing EVER isn't it.

It really helped me afterwards actually, there was no person to grieve, he vanished.

I drove all the way from LHR to Fleet Services without even realising. I was in DEEP shock.

yyy to vanishing person. I was trying to treat him like the person I knew he could be. And when I realised he wasn't going to be that person, ever, he just sort of, well, vanished. Now I am documenting his cock lodging in cold hard figures.

Fool I agree with Hissy. Dig those heels in hard and stay resolute. It's all a show. Tie yourself to the ship's rudder m'dear and you'll be alright xxxxx

lashes self to rudder firmly in "away from him" position.........

Any tips for getting complete lunatic to sign financial agreement????

Don't think I've ever agreed with someone so much as i do with Hissy (RL and t'internet)

No bright ideas as to how to get ex twat to sign anything Fool but do keep tethered to that rudder, I like that image.

Just came on to share a lighthearted tidbit - I'm sitting cuddling a microwavable cat which i bought myself as a present earlier and it's dee-lightful :) sooooo soft and warm :)

Yes I know I have the real ones but they tend to object to being microwaved, sniffed (lavender) and squeezed

It's blissful to be able to do even a simple thing like this - believe it or not, ex twat used to get really jealous of anything I was holding/cuddling up to that wasn't him. Used to induce a right whining session - how ridiculous.

Ps - everyone needs one of these microwaveable wheat creatures for winter (they do different creatures, there's a rabbit and a frog too)

Yes.....since split I have dug out my trusty hot-water-bottle...and wondered why I ever thought HE was an improvement on it???? Snuggle.