I shall just sit here for a mo. OK? It's been a bit of a week. [understatement]
The one where Hissy learns that there is more to life than hiding. That there are MEN out there, and that it'd be rather nice, perhaps, to have a drop dead gorgeous years younger than me, athletic, funny, full on man to spend time conversing with.
OK so it all ended spectacularly badly married, but has taught me IMMENSE stuff.
Importantly that I saw red flags, that the radar is still there, and it is finely tuned.
The 'thing' started on twitter and turned into a conversation that lasted a week. It was full on, totally hell for leather. I was freaking out at times, and still it kept on coming. I asked it to slow down, it didn't, or it did for a moment or 2, then back onto FULL VOLUME. That I know was scary in itself, and rang bells. I lost huge amounts of sleep over it, 4 days of practically no sleep, questioned myself, my attractiveness, my readiness, it was excruciating, but maddeningly enjoyable. Utterly addictive, I was consumed. I was switched on, a swagger so powerful came back that even I struggled to recognise myself. I only just managed to keep my feet on terra firma, I felt as if I were floating, merely 1mm above the ground! I felt ALIVE, I felt funny, the world around me vanished and I was bigger than everything. I felt INVINCIBLE.
Then, after a week of non-stop, surreal, intense, funny, flirty conversations, and a couple of nagging thoughts, I asked The Question and back came the M word.
It was so incredibly hard to give up all that attention, but I knew there was no choice. I kept thinking, what would I tell me if I were on here recounting that story. I would FLAME her arse to kingdom come, and so would absolutely EVERYONE I know here. I also recognise that I have dealt out enough harsh and no shit commentary on here, that I am kind of 'known for it' to some to know that given half a chance, there would be HOARDS of posters drawn to giving me a damned good kicking telling off and not wasting a second of the irony that was laid bare. And FWIW I'd deserve every. single. word.
I chose to take the deepest breath I have taken in years and NOT just go along with the situation, despite knowing that losing his 'company' in my life would leave a gaping hole, and make the rest of the little life I have created for myself feel so flaming empty it physically hurts. (It has, and it does btw)
I think I recognised the OMFG so much fitter in every sense of the word English version of my X. There were a lot of similarities, a lot of traits that made hackles go up. A comment here and there about women, things he take the mickey out of, stuff like that. I ignored them all, but they registered. I worry about the DW in some respect. I wonder if she is one of us
Perhaps the most important message it shown me is that I have no life. I have no ME, I have ceased to exist. I survived, but only just. Now I realise that I have to live. If I allow this to continue, fuck-face X will have succeeded in destroying me, by training me to destroy myself.
I have to resume living, for me, enjoy the FULL array of enjoyment that life has to offer, but naturally without hurting anyone.
I know the married bit was the Deal breaker, but I rather worry that if he was not, what could have potentially happened. I don't think he was a good one.
I think as painful as it is today, how empty and utterly lonely my life is right now, I think I have to admit I may have dodged a bullet.
Ladies, I give you the song that came out of all this. Please listen to the words. 
90% is scarily reflective of the last 7 days for me. Whatever this guy is, was or could have been. He was thrown into my life for a reason. And that reason is ME.