Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Since I read the book on narcissism, loads of things seem to be coming together in attempting to understand these loonies.

The persecution complex....the idea that something in their world is so unfair for them that it justifies their appalling behaviour, a revenge almost, seems to be at the core of their sense of entitlement.

In the book, it explains that as children, if they were made to feel "special" in some way, even a sick way, like being singled out for sexual abuse, to mere "goldenchilding" the promise of their specialness, never materialises in the real world....triggering the "But I'm special and the world can't see it, it must be because the world is persecuting me" The world is wrong, and I am right!

So all abusers are narcissistic, believing they are special in some way, and because it is not recognised by the world, it justifies them lashing out, either verbally or physically. And their screwed up view of themselves in the world is so at odds with reality, that attempting to control it all is crucial for them...because if they can't control their world, and their "special" image, everything collapses... and I mean everything. It must be terrifying being them...Not that I am about to feel tooooo sorry for them.

Maybe this image of specialness is what makes them such great performing monkeys in public...the life and soul of the party...it's an act...as we all know.

And then, how many of them have favourite children? Thus passing it all on again. And of course their primary "special" relationship should be with their wife....not their kids...."but he's such a great dad" we hear over and over again don't we? No he's not....a REALLY great dad, loves their kids mum...she is the primary love interest...it all gets very Oedipal, but it seems to make a massive amount of sense

Does that make any sense?

yup, makes perfect sense . My special twat thinks he is very special. Uber special, but no one recognise his talents( no word of a lie)

gobby that makes perfect sense [thankyou] WIBU to take DC's out today, it's meant to be his contact day but changed his mind at the last minute, and it's me being left to explain this to 2 very excited DC's this morning! :( He rang again this am, saying can't you wait in until 2pm? I said no, you let the DC's down & I've already made other plans now, Cue X sulking and me saying well it is your fault. I reminded him that my own dad this to me & my DS when we was little & it took us years to forgive him x

think my own personal twat doesn't care that much about his dcs just vehicles for his specialness! but just so long as he's doing stuff with them he manages to keep them reasonably happy. Still sad for them, they deserve to be seen as themselves, to be "appropriately" special.

I'm an outsider here, I don't have kids, I've come here to see what relationships with kids are like, and I just want to say, you all sound so educated, so literate, so thoughtful, so empathetic, so strong. You all sound like lovely people. You all write well. You all think so deeply.
A pox on the men in your lives for not realising just how wonderful a partner they have.
Good luck to you all.

Yes fool it is unimaginably sad that people...mainly men because society supports what happens.... are not "special" just for being themselves. And are so detached from themselves, that they can't see other people as whole entities either. It's desperately sad.

One of the main things I remember feeling when I first met h, was wanting to wrap him up and make him feel safe and warm. Projecting my own need there, but also setting myself up to being a surrogate mother who slowly, over time, became his alcoholic, unavailable real life mother...not me at all. But then...despite his denials...I am aware that his dad has the same persecution complex, and quite possibly drove his mother to drink, with his abuse of her....and I see my sister in law, who reminds me very much of the mother in "muriels wedding"..and the tragedy of the whole thing becomes too much.

Barreal, hello...I have spent the last two years trying to work out why the man I loved was so unimaginably cruel to me. Not a choice I would have made freely! I just needed to understand why.

Bellabing
I'm not sure what I am doing in MN but your story made me cry and I only usually cry over roadkill. Your husband sounds like a beast. You sound lovely. I am so sorry you are going through this. How can people treat others so badly,s say such mean things, and believe they can control another.
All you ladies, I sit here, in my own peace, far away in Japan, and I feel so much empathy for you all, and I want to wring the necks of the men who are giving you so much grief, and I hope you can all sort it out, to your advantage, and start living your lives in peace and happiness.

barreal lol @ ' a pox on them". yes indeed, A pox on them all.

My twat has been really revolting today. He tried staring me out in a menacing sort of way during one fit he had. I looked deep into his eyes and must say I smirked. That didn't go down too well

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it, thank you. Such lovely people to take the time to think about a complete stranger. Thank you so much. Xx

hi again - would like your verdict on most recent dh behaviour...

i am an only child on my mums side and she is fiercely loyal to me (dad DV divorce etc). dh has taken to texting her now if we argue to 'give her a heads up' that i may 'be going on about him'. this one mum completely ignored.

next thing was that dh asked about collecting dc at specific time - i sent text straight back say 'yes ok' or something like that. then he texted about trying to bully into talking to him about realtionship stuff (cornering me and insisting everything is my fault aggressively). i ignored about a dozen of these texts over a couple of hours. then i got 'are you and dc ok?? i am sooo worriede because you didn't reply' (even though i had replied earlier and given him no cause for concern plus he knew hat my plans for the day were anyway). so he texts my mum with fake (i think) panic that he cant get in touch with me and that he's frantic (about 2 hours have passed since my reply) mum dutifully texts me - i reply straight away. then he tries to get mum t phone him to talk about me. she refuses. he says 'ok i wont text again'. then he does, for ages going on about the relationship and how its all my fauts etc and that its unhealthy i refuse to talk to him. this is exhausting and i sincerely believe he is tryinh to manipulate/control. i even feel like i have to over justify this on an AR thread!!! i know for a fact the the concern over dc and i is utter bullshit and just a tactic to get attention.

i wont speak to him face to face because he has been agressive and hysterical this week. we are separated i dont have to tolerate this -right?

too right. Its all an act. he is trying to force you to speak to him so that he can try to gain control. When you refuse he is trying to draw in your mum to make you play the game. Luckily she seems switched on and can probably see through his games. You are spot on when you say he is not hysterically worried about you - its just a useful phrase to bandy about as it gives validity to his need to contact you to an outsider - he is not going to say 'Halley wont answer my incessent cals and I cant get her to bend to my will, and thaTS what I am frantic about' can he. Narcs hate it when you wont join in the game anymore.......
I'd stick to the non face to face, and step it up to the 'only text me to confirm times to collect/drop off DC's. I will not engage in any further conversation, and will be switching my phone off/not answering my phone to you any more until you can converse in a civil and respectful manner'

the sad thing is even though i know he is barking i actually feel really in need of others confirming that his actions are as they appear to me......he really has got to me over the years and made me question myself

I dont know either what to think , mine is quiet, cant deal with money so I have sole management of everything even buying him razor blades, underwear, everything , but he sometimes has that way of making me feel that he can hit me if he is not happy with my upfront and honest attitude, I dont know what to do I feel so strong at times and so small when he does that and when I want to react back he says that I am not a responsible mother , I should not do anything like hitting him back in front of the kids , I am really upset , I am disabled with three damaged discs in my back so I cant bend to do anything but I spent the day in pain doing chores as I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

Halley- I think its really common amongst us to need confirmation that we have interrpreted things correctly. For me, I kept thinking well I must be wrong, I must be missing summat, maybe my judgement is all wrong- because WHY else would he say/do that? There must be some explanation, he wouldn't just do/say that unprovoked. That would be INSANE.

thanks bejeezus. i think i have always known he is VU and manipulative but i had to go along with a lot just to get through the day as that was lawaus his biggest weapon - sabotaging things ranging from just generally messing me about somehow to making me late on purpose (he would rather die than admit this and i have thought i was going mad on occasion) to wrecking planned days out/weekends away/even trips to bloody tesco by making sure i have cried at least once. he has done this on dc birthdays and xmas before to the point where i get really anxious about occasions like this because the risk is always there.

meanwhile i am so bloody happy about all the stuff i can do now he cant control me - 1st on the list is a real xmas tree :-)

Yep, me too, always saboutaging occasions, days out etc. At the very least he would be late, or forget and not turn up or be ill at the last minute, or be so fucking objectionable and obstructive that he killed all the joy in it. I missed a very very good friends wedding because of him.

the flip side of it was that he would never cancel or delay ANYTHING that was his thing even if he had made me exhausted from crying or he would simply abandon me. this included his nights out which he would go on hell or highwater but he would try to pick a fight with me and sabotage mine. the dc came in really handy for him to yank me back home from the v few social occasions i could attend. dont get me wrong im not bothered aobut going out much but i do expect a dp to support a night out every few months.

your words 'objectionable and obstructive' are exactly, exactly it.

i was never really included in mines social life at all- i made huge efforts to get to know his friends, but he would try his very best to prevent it. Or drop them as soon as i got any where near close. never never invited me to anything.

i was always allowed to go out, obviously if it didnt clash with anything he wanted to do, because naturally without discussion that would take priority. But it was so stressful in that dd1 would normally be upset in some way, barely looked after-not dressed/fed/groomed/taken out at all; house would be a bomb site and i would never get a morning off duty if he had had the kids the evening before- so if i was hungover or just knackered, any rejuvination from night out socialising was soon cancelled out by trying to get everything back on course

i have just had a memory of coming home after a few hours out one afternoon when dd1 was about 10 months old i think- she was asleep in a shitty nappy on the floor in the sitting room (wooden floor mind!!) whilst he watched tv.

crikey thats awful! poor dd :-( i cant claim dh ever did much like that thats overtly neglectful. his thing is much more subtle than that. i went out once when dd was quite little and he summoned me home to bf (not in itself an issue) but when i got back he was quite drunk but carrying dd around in a sling. i was really horrified. i didnt go out for months after that bevause i was so scared he would get plastered and drop her etc. his excuse for that was 'i didnt realise i was that drunk' i fucking ask you......im pretty sure dd was about 4 - 6 months at the time and it was probably my 2nd night out since she was born - where was the necessity to drink a single sip of alcohol? it had the desired effect - i was scared to go out

am on a bit of a roll now Im afraid!

i need to vent about my day; Unusually (and unfortunately) stbxh decided to come with us on a day out today because it was dd2s 1st birthday.

i spent the early morning making cake/packed lunch/preparing dinner for later/ getting bags ready fr 6yo 1yo dds and stuff we needed for trip to zoo. the whole time there is this constant background noise of him nagging dd1. He is always like this with her, it usually involves him telling her to stop doing something to dd2. Admittedly she tends to carry her around like a sack of potatoes but she is a big strong and very capable girl who I trust completely with her sister and she is actually a HUGE help in looking sfter her. I have to remind her every so often that her sister is a little person and not a dolly but on the whole its fine. And dd2 adores her. so his CONSTANT criticisim and trying to seperate them is really unnecessary.

It came to a head when he threatened to bang dd1 on the head if she continued to carry dd2 [because she might drop her on the pavement]. I asked him to 'please not threaten to bang her head'. I got in return a massive rant about how I have ruined dd1 (this is a common theme!), he cant stand me or her, he wished he had never met me, I always undermine him, i had tried to make him and dd1 enemies and now they are!, just wait 2 weeks and then I can be mum and dad to dds. I stayed calm and said I wasnt undermining him about carrying dd2 but it isnt nice to threaten to bang a childs head and its not ok. He called me a fucking idiot. This is all in front of the dds. So now I imagine the messages dd1 is receiving is that he hates her, she is 'ruined', and it is mummies fault?

He said he wasnt coming with us after all (this is whilst loading kids into the car) I said good because i didnt want him to come anywhere with us if he was going to talk like that. this got dd1 crying that she wanted daddy to come, and it doesnt matter about the horrid things he said to her, she doesnt mind . Anyway, he came with us. I have talked to her since to say it really DOES matter about the horrid things he said and he shouldnt have been allowed to come with us....

but he's a fucking moron isnt he? How can I ever compensate for the damage that he is causing her??? why does he think it is ok?

it is awful isnt it? i made that ok in my head

yes, he is a fucking moron and if he has his way dd1 will end up being a doormat to a carbon copy of him :( its 100% not ok to speak to a 6 year old like that.