Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

i dont feel much really in a negative way except sad that we wont be having another dc or buying a house but the house thing made me feel scared tbh.

i do feel much more relaxed and not resentful about anything and house proud for the first time in ages because doing housework doesnt feel like an obligation any more!

plus i actually dont feel exhausted all the time!

Sticking my head round the door for the first time in a while.

I'm absolutely slack-jawed at how much progress everyone has been making - huge cheers to old and new :)

Hissy, sounds like you took quite the trip down the 'rabbit hole' for a short while - my heart was pounding reading your description so can imagine how intoxicating it must have been. Kudos to your very strong character for withdrawing after the M word surfaced. This interlude was just a practice to give you a taste of the wonderful emotions you're capable of feeling (imo)

Things in Bibi land have been a bit strange - have spent ages feeling just pure rage at absolutely everything which has thrown me a bit because it's nearly a year after ex left and I thought i was safe in my little bubble 'it's alright, just glad to be out'

Initial embarrassment has given way to thinking it's probably because I've had to be so strong for so long it's taken a while for the full wheel of emotions to come out.

On the upside, all the anger and misery is now leading me on to looking at those things which are good and right and beautiful all around me in life so it's been a useful journey.

Enough of me, me, me - strength and love to you all :)

BIBI! How lovely to see you! You're always such a breath of fresh air!

I think that anger, and sadness/regret at our loss are necessary phases that we must pass through on our path of recovery. Embrace them, don't fight them, OK, manage them, but they must be expressed. I know I have felt as you both have described.

The issue of key importance is that we are honest with ourselves and that we recognise that ALL of our feelings are valid, and that we must listen to them.

Thanks all for the kind words.

Lovely to have you back Bibi - you have been missed!
I think you're right in your analysis of your feelings - obviously just conjecture on my part but it rings true.
Yes, we felt for Hissy, crossed everything never mind our fingers! But you know Hissy that we are here for you. You stepped out of the box that you'd put yourself in, out of your comfort zone, and now you're past that first step and in the aftermath. You're on your way!

Think we all know I was PLUCKED out of that box. I was targeted. Toe dipped in here and there for quite some time before this past week.

But I'm out of the box now, and that is the important thing!

stbx did get a free initial interview, sol told him different to mine about division. But I've got to trust mine, haven't I? Looks like Resolution process won't be happening though.

Asked him to fix the strip lights in the kitchen - "I'm not paying for half and only getting 40%" WTF? Pointed out that house maintenance stuff is mainly coming out of my money. He grudgingly agreed to do it. (Sounds like he thinks I might have a case though, despite advice)

Hate living under the same roof. Hate it.

anyone had a financial fight, and would like to give benefit of experience by PM? I realise all cases are unique.

Just work with your Solicitor. They will remain dispassionate. Let the legal eagles sort it all.

He'll use this as a way of getting to you.

ah that's better!

Just thought that as I seems I may have escaped 2 harmful situations, that I needed to award myself with a better moniker!

twirls

And with two bounds she was free!!

Thanks for support, Hissy. Caught up with another friend today by phone. And at least got stbx to say what he has done so far.

Nose - I'm not entirely free... not really! I think that the reason for my posting about this, on this very thread is not entirely too out of kilter though. Fool stated that she'd be happy to 'wave me off' if I were to find a REALLY nice man. But I don't want or need waving off. I'm not free of this legacy yet. I may never be. But unless I try, then it's a sure thing that I won't.

TBH, these events show how important it would be for me to REMAIN involved with such threads, to continue to monitor, explore and sanity check what is happening all around me. To ask advice and invite external gaze into our fledgeling relationships to make sure that normal is normal. I told him things that made it clear I was fragile. He ignored them. I asked for things to be slow, not to progress but his zeal to push was relentless. When you have been starved of all that hoovering, that consumation of self, it's a heady drug to take.

I want to remind people here that even when you have been through this once and think you've heard it before, that you don't want a relationship, that you have shut yourself down to all outside male advances, that if you fit a bill, you may attract the attention of a person that will not do you any good at all. You may STILL fall for it, unless you are true to yourself.

Perhaps that is a little unfair. In his pursuit of me, he has shown me things that I didn't realise I wanted/enjoyed/missed. Had he not been married, where would I have found the strength? I have to admit I did consider going undercover and continuing the relationship when I'd told everyone I had dumped him. I almost did. The actual cut off was a full 24 hours after I said it was.

When these kinds of men set their sights on you, it's very hard to see the wood for the trees. You crave their attention. I've been feeling physical fall out today. In. a. WEEK.

As is said a million times on here, let your inkling be your guide, allow your instincts to help steer you on a path that is comfortable and compatible with your life.

I think I may have babbled gobbledegook there...

Hissy, just celebrating your new name. I realise it's not as simple as that for you - or any of us. Actually your recent experience sounded quite scary - like a mild hypomanic episode, in fact. Sounds like you may still want validation from someone else as to who you are?

I panicked because I have such low sense of self, no confidence. This is a result of an abusive relationship of 10 years, and unsatisfactory relationships/childhood before that.

I'm also a recovering agoraphobic, so new situations/people are stressful at the best of times. Add into this that I am heavier than I should be and he is super (did I say SUPER?) fit.

I didn't see myself as much of a person tbh before he came along. Suddenly there was a funny, full on, energetic guy seemingly eager to know me. This all came after 10 years of not being allowed to have any male contact with anyone at all. Not being allowed out mostly, and when out, trained to keep my eyes lowered at all times for fear that meeting eyes with a man was deemed as a come on. Yes I lived like that.

I hadn't given myself any thought at all for YEARS. So when a new person, a male, wanting more than just chit chat came along, yes I freaked about how I look, wondered if I was ugly etc.

This was in response to the pressure put upon me. it was pretty relentless if I'm honest. Sure as I got more used to it, I craved it and stoked it up to get more of a fix, but I did say to him on more than one occasion "I'm happy the way things are' Let's just leave it as it is. But that was not allowed to happen.

I know now that if a normal relationship, the guy would have listened. He didn't. Even in the space of a conversation, within 5 tweets he'd be back putting pressure on, overstepping lines I'd only just agreed.

The hypomanic thing, was nothing to do with me, it was a panic reflex.

As it says in my new anthem 'Is he worth all this, is it a simple yes. Cos if you have to think, your fucked"

HoudiniHugs!

All I meant was that when you said 'it was a heady drug to take' it reminded me of my own heady states, which have been hypomanic, almost a feeling of the universe rearranging itself for you. A dangerous loss of being in touch with reality. But so good that your self-preservation kicked in. It seems to have given you more insight into yourself.

Hugs yourself!

Something Hissy (nice new Houdini addition there btw :)) sparked me off wanting to share one of the things I'm currently thinking on.

'And the truth shall set you free'

While that's very biblical, in the piece I read the gist of it was explained that your own personal truth will set you (collectively) free.

That has really resonated with me as it feels so right. Really knowing our own truth has and will continue to free us.

Discovering what that means to each of us and then sticking to it and living it no matter what is the challenge of course.

Bibi, I have been saying that very phrase for AGES, it's just now you are ready to hear it.

The ONLY way out through this mess IS the absolute truth. ANY absolute truth.

You find ONE, just one to cling to and it is your benchmark, the life preserver you cling to, to enable you to rise to the top.

Nose, I do feel more in control of myself, but I would tweet that guy in a heartbeat right now. goes off for stealth spy on his yummy avi...

Oh nose, i just realised that you may have thought my post defensive and aggressive didn't mean it, am very calm and circumspect.

ach, sorry, got my twitter punctuation mixed up!

No worries, Hissy, I dimly remember that feeling, and am quite in a way, although actually I am, like Garbo, longing to be alone!

Have just told myself that "Sure, I can stealth tweet him, yes i can get him back, but then he will be taking up the space where a GOOD man can be...."

and anyway I've saved a copy of the avi on my PC

resolute

ooh, what is stealth tweeting? There's a whole world of sophisticated electronic communication which has passed me by (though I know what normal tweeting is).

I was thinking I can just set up a new account and @ him? I don't have to follow someone for them to see my mention do I? Nor does he have to follow me....

enough, enough, not beyond realms of possibility that this could be read now is it, then my entire life is known.... trots off to open saved pic and lick screen not really

Hope I'm not out of order here Hissy but having thought about my dimly remembered feelings, are you sure that you are not currently confusing pain with something else?

Hi all..

feeling so low today. Now 1 month since I asked OH to leave. Nothing has been sorted, I am running out of energy just keeping DCs, me, house and work (self employed) going. he is doing nothing but harassing me. Not working, not being nice, not doing anything with his contact time. he's flitting between threats and promises but not addressing the things i've asked him to. My body is in free fall, Gp nice but there's little concrete to help.

this is what I want
A nice little warm house of my own,
DCs to not have to see him for a while so they can settle
A small holiday so i can actually spend time with my DCs
A small amount of money so I can give them a treat.
SLEEP
Somewhere and some time to bawl my eyes out properly instead of "coping admirably in the circumstances"
A hug

fool I'm giving you lots of virtual hugs here and if I lived near you I'd give you lots of real ones too.
You are allowed to feel shit you know?
Tiredness is an absolute killer IMO. If you can get some rest you WILL feel better.
Your dc's are about the ages of mine aren't they? How much do they help in the house? I have organised a rota in the past where everyone had their jobs on certain days. You can't do it all yourself.
Think what you need, what will buy you a little rest space.
Stuff him and his twatish behaviour, honestly, let him consumed by his own vileness.
Listen: YOU ARE OK
I'll pm you x

Yes it's a constant stress, isn't it, after the initial elation at making the change, then progress being so slow and him settling into a different but still abusive pattern.

I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat, now I want to but can't. Might have to watch a weepie film.

Do as little as you can get away with, grab any rest or sleep you can.