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Original poster

ExH Access to Children .. Please can I have some advice?

81 replies

WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:16

Hi
I was a regular on this board just over 18 months ago - some of you may remember me.

exH had an affair and left me and our 2 young sons (who are now 3 and 5)

We are now divorced and he sees the children every other weekend (although he sometimes cancels if he has other things to do like holidays - he has been on 4 so far in the last 12 months/weddings/parties/weekends away)

I have a new partner and I am moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Our new home will be about 1hr 30 mins drive from exH.

ExH wants me to do all of the driving.... ie pick teh kids up from school on the friday afternoon and drive them to him (1.5 hours then turn round do the same back to my new home) and then he wants me to pick them up on the sunday and do the 3 hour round trip again - this journey time is assuming that there won't be any traffic.

His reasoning for this is that I am taking his boys away from him and therefore I should bare the brunt of the inconvenience. He also says that if I have custody then I should be the one to suffer in terms of sacrificing moving away and staying near to him so that he can see his boys (he does not want me to move away)

To me this seems very unfair, I have been very flexible in letting him see his kids, even swapping weekends and cancelling my plans so that he coudl see them if he had arranged a social event that meant he coudl not keep to his original weekend.

he has a very good job and can afford the petrol.

I have suggested that I take them to him on the fri (full trip) but he does the full trip on the sun when he brings them back.
His reply was
"that is not happening"

He has been very verbally abusive to me in the past so much so taht I had to tell my solicitor. he has also threatened to make my life hell and other similar things. The next day he will phone me up crying saying that he gets angry as he cant lose his boys as they are all he has.

If anyone here has ever been in a similar situation I would appreciate your advice, or anyone's perspective on it for that matter.

Thank you

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 10:20

Never rely on him to bring them back.....do it the other way round, so he collects on the fri.

Offer him a reduction in maintenance to cover petrol. And extra time in the hols

I can kind of see his point here!!

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:23

I can kind of see his point too, to be honest, but I don't think I should be doing all of the running around.

he says he cant do the friday as he wont be able to leave work until 5 which means the boys wont be back at his house until about 8/9pm which is way past their bedtime.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 10:26

Can you trust him to return them?

GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 10:27

I would be looking at suitable 'halfway' points. But that would involve good communication

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:28

Yes I think I can.

But H wont even agree to this, he wants me to do all of the driving. We are kind of at a stalemate.

OP posts:
Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:29

Sorry xposted. He wont even meet me halfway.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/11/2011 10:29

Mediation? Would he attend? And pay for it of course

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:31

Not thought of that, that might be the way to go.

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 01/11/2011 10:34

If you know (and it sounds likely) that your XH's motivation is to inconvenience and hassle you, then work out a compromise (eg meeting half-way or him doing one journey) and stand firm on it. And do as much as possible via email so you have a record of it. When you have court orders for contact, they will involve making DC available for contact at agreed times, they will not involve you having to run yourself ragged to indulge an XP who keeps mucking around and moving the goalposts.

windsorTides · 01/11/2011 10:37

I think this is his way of punishing you for moving on with your life and think he's trying to control you still. I'm assuming you've got a legal framework in place though?

I'd stand firm and say that if he can't pick them up on Fridays, he'll have to do so on Saturday morning. This would probably be much better for the boys too, as at their age they will be very tired on Friday evenings and it seems very unfair putting them through a long car journey at night.

You'll soon see whether this is really about the boys' welfare and his desire to be a good Dad.

WibblyBibble · 01/11/2011 10:37

Honestly, this just seems like an attempt by him to control you. Lots of parents live much further apart than that and still travel, not expecting ex to do it all. He's doing it to 'punish' you for moving, which he has no right to do as he can't expect you to restrict your life just so he doesn't have a relatively minor journey. What if you'd been offered a job elsewhere- then it really would be no choice and he couldn't reasonably expect you not to work just in order to live where it's convenient for him (actually I think my ex might expect this, but I'm not having it- people need to continue their lives after separation and since it was his choice to fuck up the relationship then he can just deal the fuck with it). You need to be really assertive and ask him to suggest reasonable things e.g. sharing the journey time, not you doing all of it!

Teaandcakeplease · 01/11/2011 10:54

Agree with the others WQ he's definitely trying to control and punish you for moving away.

He's angry with you. I can kind of see his point but he needs to focus on the facts here (trying to find a mutually agreeable way forward on contact) and not let his feelings get in the way. Easier said than done.

A good mediator may actually help you to find a way forward, or do you have a neutral friend who can sit down with you both as you try and find a way forward? As others have said don't give in until you find a fair agreement.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 10:55

I think this is definite way to punish me.

Whenever I don't agree to things that suit him (changing weekends/ even petty things like the amount of time the dcs see my mum and dad) he always threatens me with cutting maintenance payments or taking me to court for custody of the boys. If I don't do as I am told I get verbal abuse/threats even now we are divorced.

With regards to the legal framework in place for access to the children, the divorce says that he will see them every other weekend and at other times to be mutually agreed.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 01/11/2011 11:00

Does he have money to burn on lawyers? Angry I'd end up calling his bluff.

Sorry that's childish of me. I just remember your original thread WQ.

windsorTides · 01/11/2011 11:01

Well just say "No" to this request and see how far he gets with his empty threats. He's a bully and you need to stand up to him, just like any other.

MrGin · 01/11/2011 11:03

I think , as you've acknowledged, flexibility is important. Yes I can see his point about you being the one to move away, but such is life. If he can't see that, you could perhaps suggest a less flexible agreement fixed schedule where his social events result in him missing out on seeing his kids.

It does sound very much like the past gripes between the two of you are still festering lingering on. He's seen a great opportunity to get all righteous and indignant without looking at the wider picture.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 11:07

For example: he has not seen them for 3 consecutive weekends as he had other stuff planned.
It was his gf's birthday so he took her away
They had a wedding to attend
and he had a concert to go to.

I only know all this because when he said he coudl not do the first wkend I offered to rearrange and reset the weekends so he could see them but he declined this as he had plans for th other weekends too.

OP posts:
Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 11:08

the thing is I have always had trouble standing up to him. I find the threat that he uses to take me to court to get the kids too much to handle and always back down through the fear of losing my kids. he knows this is my weak spot and so always pushes this button.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 01/11/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pickadaytocelebrate · 01/11/2011 11:17

And that's why he keeps threatening it because it always gets him what he wants. You need to stand up to him, offer the compromise of one way each and stick to it. No one is going to take your children away for that and he knows it. Use email as much as you can so you have a record of your reasonableness and his responses.

Pickadaytocelebrate · 01/11/2011 11:19

I think the suggestion of a solicitors letter is excellent and would show him you mean business.

Mymymble · 01/11/2011 11:47

My x is very similar. You have to stick to your guns. He has a point about Fridays - and it would be rushhour - worse after 5 so even longer for the kids. He's lucky you are available to do it. He will have to bring them back Sundays. One danger of course is that it will mean he stops seeing the kids which wouldn't be good for them. I'm assuming you get child support but not spousal maintenance so there's really nothing he can threaten you with apart from not seeing the kids or going back to get a court order - which the courts probably wouldn't award him. Try & get a mediator. good luck!

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 11:52

sorry i dont understand what you mean by a court order?

OP posts:
MrGin · 01/11/2011 12:27

I think Mymymble means ( in terms of his threat to take the kids ) that all he could do is go to court and get a 'court order' that spells out when he sees the kids and how that is facilitated ( i.e. a judge would rule on who takes the kids to-and-fro )

Unless there is something lurking in the background, the chances of him getting residency of the kids seems pretty slim.

i.e. don't be bullied by him, it's hot air.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 01/11/2011 12:55

Ok I understand (thanks)

There is nothing lurking in the background. I was always their primary carer and I work from home so I can be there for them when they come back from school

OP posts:
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