ExH Access to Children .. Please can I have some advice?

[WarriorQueen]

Hi
I was a regular on this board just over 18 months ago - some of you may remember me.

exH had an affair and left me and our 2 young sons (who are now 3 and 5)

We are now divorced and he sees the children every other weekend (although he sometimes cancels if he has other things to do like holidays - he has been on 4 so far in the last 12 months/weddings/parties/weekends away)

I have a new partner and I am moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Our new home will be about 1hr 30 mins drive from exH.

ExH wants me to do all of the driving.... ie pick teh kids up from school on the friday afternoon and drive them to him (1.5 hours then turn round do the same back to my new home) and then he wants me to pick them up on the sunday and do the 3 hour round trip again - this journey time is assuming that there won't be any traffic.

His reasoning for this is that I am taking his boys away from him and therefore I should bare the brunt of the inconvenience. He also says that if I have custody then I should be the one to suffer in terms of sacrificing moving away and staying near to him so that he can see his boys (he does not want me to move away)

To me this seems very unfair, I have been very flexible in letting him see his kids, even swapping weekends and cancelling my plans so that he coudl see them if he had arranged a social event that meant he coudl not keep to his original weekend.

he has a very good job and can afford the petrol.

I have suggested that I take them to him on the fri (full trip) but he does the full trip on the sun when he brings them back.
His reply was
"that is not happening"

He has been very verbally abusive to me in the past so much so taht I had to tell my solicitor. he has also threatened to make my life hell and other similar things. The next day he will phone me up crying saying that he gets angry as he cant lose his boys as they are all he has.

If anyone here has ever been in a similar situation I would appreciate your advice, or anyone's perspective on it for that matter.

Thank you

wiseoldowl - Your friend could have got the order enforced if he wanted.

As for, "if your XH wants to see them he does the travelling" - any parent who goes into court with that kind of attitude will be in for a shock. As far as the courts are concerned it is not about whether the ex wants to see the children. It is about the children's right to spend time with their father. The courts do not like parents who are unreasonable. They would regard this attitude as unreasonable, especially coming from the parent who has moved.

prh47bridge I am willing to be reasonable - not because i want to be looked favourably on by the courts (if it ever got that far) but because i think it is the right thing to do.

I think my offer to met him half way is reasonable. In fact there are a few dates already when I will be visiting family back here and it will make sense for me to do both journeys. I asent him an email detailing that and saying that I would do both journeys in these instances as it made sense - this still not provoke a response from him.

It is about the children's right to spend time with their father.

I have always wondered about this from a legal point of view.

I have never once stopped him seeing them but I have many emails where he has changed his dates/missed weekends as he had social things that he prioritized. I always (when possible which is the majority of the time) let him change as I know that the boys would like to see him and if he missed a weekend due to him organising a weekend away (this has happened loads) then it would mean that they would go 3 weeks without seeing him.

So i quite willingly cancel my plans for the sake of the children seeing their dad he has never once shown any appreciation for this. and if i had not rearranged he would (and has done) gone up to four weeks without seeing them, he never asked them to see them in the week (which he coudl easily).

So with this is mind surely there is a line between the children having the right to see him but at the same time he has to have the duty to see them too.
The words bringing a horse to water springs to mind with him.

I sadly have thought for a long time that if did not make the effort and compromise about dates and things he would hardly see them, as at the moment he is putting his girlfriend and social life first.

I think what is happening here with this issue of driving is that he just cant be bothered to drive, it is not about what is best for the kids at all. it is all about the fact that he feels it is unfair for him to have to make additional effort as a result of a choice that I have made.

sorry spelling and grammar went to total pot there !

I know you are trying to be reasonable.

Yes, you are right that the situation isn't entirely even. The courts can make an order telling you to make the children available for contact. They can enforce that order if you don't keep to the arrangements. However, they won't force him to keep his side of the deal. If you make the children available for contact at the appointed time but he doesn't turn up you can't take action to force him to be there. If he persistently fails to turn up you would probably be able to get the contact order changed or removed but, given the perspective that this is about the children's right to a relationship with their father, that is punishing them for his failings. Unfortunately that is the current state of the law. The view of the law, rightly or wrongly, is that they can't force him to have a relationship with his children.

Just one point I would like to pick up on from your post. You say "he feels it is unfair for him to have to make additional effort as a result of a choice that I have made". Imagine that you were staying put and he was moving away. Would you not then feel that it was unfair that you were having to make additional effort as a result of a choice that he has made, especially given that he earns more and it was his choice to leave you in the first place? Indeed, would you not view that situation as another attempt to control you?

Please don't see that last paragraph as a criticism. It is not intended that way. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am not taking his side or trying to say you should offer him more. In the circumstances I think you are being reasonable. I'm just trying to challenge your thinking in the hope that it may help you and your ex to arrive at a compromise rather than ending up battling it out in court. It is easy for these things to turn into pitched battles with both sides taking entrenched positions which really doesn't help anyone.

no that's fine I did not take that as a criticism at all.

if he was to move away then yes i would feel aggrieved if he expected me to up my driving in order to compensate the distance. he has talked about it before (him moving) by the way. if he was to suggest that we meet half way i would probably moan but eventually agree (honest answer there by the way!!).

If I trusted him I would suggest that we would work it out on an as and when basis (ie if it suited me one weekend to do all the driving I would and I would expect it to work the other way too and the rest of the times we share it) but the truth is that I think he would take advantage of that and that i would end up doing it all. So this is why I am trying to get a default formal arrangement in place.

But as yet I had not response from him.

thank you for taking the time to explain to me the legal point. Perhaps I have been making his life too easy for him. I have let him have an inch (for the sake of the kids) and he has taken a mile.

Obviously now that is changing he objecting.

I think from now on I will make the boys available every other weekend and if he cant make that then it means that he is the one who is refusing contact. being flexible has not helped the situation at all.

still appear to have typing issues!!!