ExH Access to Children .. Please can I have some advice?

[WarriorQueen]

Hi
I was a regular on this board just over 18 months ago - some of you may remember me.

exH had an affair and left me and our 2 young sons (who are now 3 and 5)

We are now divorced and he sees the children every other weekend (although he sometimes cancels if he has other things to do like holidays - he has been on 4 so far in the last 12 months/weddings/parties/weekends away)

I have a new partner and I am moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Our new home will be about 1hr 30 mins drive from exH.

ExH wants me to do all of the driving.... ie pick teh kids up from school on the friday afternoon and drive them to him (1.5 hours then turn round do the same back to my new home) and then he wants me to pick them up on the sunday and do the 3 hour round trip again - this journey time is assuming that there won't be any traffic.

His reasoning for this is that I am taking his boys away from him and therefore I should bare the brunt of the inconvenience. He also says that if I have custody then I should be the one to suffer in terms of sacrificing moving away and staying near to him so that he can see his boys (he does not want me to move away)

To me this seems very unfair, I have been very flexible in letting him see his kids, even swapping weekends and cancelling my plans so that he coudl see them if he had arranged a social event that meant he coudl not keep to his original weekend.

he has a very good job and can afford the petrol.

I have suggested that I take them to him on the fri (full trip) but he does the full trip on the sun when he brings them back.
His reply was
"that is not happening"

He has been very verbally abusive to me in the past so much so taht I had to tell my solicitor. he has also threatened to make my life hell and other similar things. The next day he will phone me up crying saying that he gets angry as he cant lose his boys as they are all he has.

If anyone here has ever been in a similar situation I would appreciate your advice, or anyone's perspective on it for that matter.

Thank you

ignore his threats then. move communications to email if he continues to bully you.

You're being pretty generous in a far from ideal situation imo.

I get on fine with my XP but I do all the pick ups and drop offs. my reasoning ( as much as i'd like XP to offer ) is that she does the bulk of looking after dd, so the least I can do is the travel.

Remember that you don't have to allow an abusive man access to you. It's OK to insist on all communications being via email, to shut the door in his face if he turns up uninvited, and put the phone down on him if he starts to bully you. Courts will not allow him custody of DC just because he's having a tantrum. As others said, let him waste his time and money on lawyers.

how far do you travel MrGin?

geographically about 30 miles, but it involves crossing London and out to the countryside where I live. Takes about 1:30 hours on the tube + the train.

Driving was ok, but awful if we got stuck in traffic and dd decided she wanted out. I kind of felt it was unfair to keep her strapped in her seat for so long. At least on the train she can bounce around a bit. And I usually take a push chair just in case she needs a nap.

Gosh, that is a fair journey then.

At the moment he lives about a 10 min drive from me and there are no motorways involved so no traffic (we live in the sticks at the moment !!)

Sorry SGB - I missed your post. when he is getting his own way he is as nice as pie but just like you say he is very prone to tantrums. I have taken advice from relate in the past about his behaviour towards me and they pointed me towards a form of DV but as it was always so subtle I am not sure. He has left me worried for my safety in the past though, which I suppose says it all.

As you say, WQ he knows how to push your buttons so I'd advise you to disengage. If he won't agree to mediation get your solicitor to write to him proposing that alternate weekend contact continues after you move with you dropping off on Friday and him returning on Sunday. This would be fair and reasonable.

If he won't agree and wants to take it to court he wouldn't be viewed very favourably if he'd refused reasonable offers.

It is a fair journey yep. And I do feel bad about having to put dd through it. But financially it's a choice between a grungy depressing bedsit in town near to mum's, where I'd never want dd to stay, or a two bedroom house in the sticks where dd has her own room and miles of woodland to run around in.

Right well I have sent him an email with a choice of ways we can do it, both of these ways we both share 50% of the driving.

He has not replied,,,, silent treatment.

Good move.

I'd ponder the different ways he'll likely respond.

I'd also avoid answering the phone from him if possible. I'd guess if he's not happy he'll be brewing like a pressure cooker.

Has he responded yet?

nope (nervous) !!!

Another bullying twat that hasnt got his own way .
How dare you have a life WQ
You ent called warrior queen for nothing ,you will be fine ,give him reasonable options ,then sol s letter.
May the force be with you xxxx

Remember, make reasonable offers, be calm, and don't engage. Hang up the phone, ignore texts, if he sends abusive emails, save them and send a reply along the lines of 'abusive email will not be answered'.

There's no way he wants custody, he's too busy enjoying himself.

My ex once said 'There's no way you're taking my children away from me'. About six months after I moved out I realised that if he couldn't see the DC on his usual days, he NEVER suggested an alternative. From that point I stopped suggesting alternative dates too, and in the past year he has never asked to rearrange any date that he can't make. He even booked a concert on DD's birthday, which was particularly unnecessary. His loss.

Op my sister had the same issue do not allow him to drop them back

Every time her ex was mad he would refuse to drop them back or bring them back really really late allow him to do the pick up If he won't come then its him refusing contact and that's up to him

What would he plan to tell the judge I am allowed to see my kids but I can't be fucked to pick them up I would tell him good luck with that

Also op I would stop giving alternate dates as he will become used to cancelling when he wants to go on a jolly I would suggest certain days and if he can't make it oh bloody well and he will have to wait personally I think its better for children to have set days rather than just as and when

And as they become older and have clubs and play dates that won't really be possible because he will then want you to cancel what you have planned as a family so he can see the kids when he fucked them off on his weekend to go to a bar

I still have not heard form him.

Thank you for all your replies.

Now that we are moving away it will mean that I cant be as flexible as I have been up until now, as it just wont be practical any more due to distance.
I am pretty sure he has gone off to a sol to get advice (my gut feel), let's hope they are sensible!

I would advise that you offer your ex the options of either HIM doing the pick up on a Friday (Thus if he doesn't come it is him REFUSING access) and you picking up on a Sunday, OR meeting at a halfway point on each journey.

Don't offer the option of him doing the Sunday drop-off, or he will more than likely refuse to do it, thus meaning you either HAVE to drive to pick them up, or he will keep the dc there.

Don't offer other days - if he is too busy prioritising what HE wants to do above seeing his dc, and he decides to go to court at any point - it will look bad on him. My Ex-P gave me a load of guff and blow about how his new employer wouldn't let him have set shifts to finish at 5pm on a Tuesday and Thursday so he could spend 3 hrs with his dc midweek twice a week (3hrs Tue, 3hrs Thur). When I took legal advice and told him to request it as flexible working, as I wasn't going to offer other weekdays except in school holidays - funilly enough, he has made sure he finishes at 5pm every Tuesday and Thursday.

Stop being so flexible, set access and if he doesn't turn up - it's HIM that the courts will look down on, and it's HIM that your dc will be frustrated with. Yes you may have to pick up the pieces sometimes with your dc, but sooner or later, provided you don't badmouth your ex in front of them, they will make their own assumptions and decisions about where their father's priorities lie.

And on the don't badmouth your ex in front of the dc - MN is brilliant when your ex's behaviour has got you wanting to rant about his twuntiness from the rooftops, without it affecting your dc. Just one of te many reasons I love MN. .

I am really, really sorry to bring this one up, and I don't remember your previous thread so there will be a lot of back story that i don't know (and that you certainly don't have to trawl through again) but... how essential is it that you move?

Joan why is that relevant ,just asking cos as i see it wq is divorced and doesnt need to explain her move,life goes on and both parents have to adapt and remain flexible.

My story in brief......

my ex had an affair and left on my eldest son's 4th birthday. this was about 18months ago now. he then moved straight in with the young girl he had the affair with.

we have lived about 10 mins from each other ever since as i moved into rented when we sold the family home. we are now divorced.

i since have met a lovely man and we want to be together, he lives in the place where i am moving to as this is where his work is. I work from home so i can live anywhere. it makes sense for me to move to be with him or he would have 1.5 hour commute each day to work (when the dc and i move we will be living with him).

i want to move on with my life. I have met a lovely man and i want to be with him

my exh also hates where we live now and he even told me that he woudl move to follow me wherever i went so i started to make plans and looked at schools etc. i kept him informed when i was looking at the possible shortlist of schools as he said that he wanted to check them out too (he never made the effort) we have now been offered a school place in what i think is a brilliant school

i have kept my ex informed the whole way through this process - he has had months of notice and has never once objected - as i said he was planning to move too, as he wants to leave the area where we are at the moment.

in fact he has also told me that in a few years he will probably move abroad as and i quote "the children won't need him as much"

i understand (truly) that this will be hard for him. and I am willing to do all i can to help. His access to his children will not change he only sees them alternate weekends and does not take full advantage of living so close, so his access will in no way will be cut.

the only thing that is changing is that he will have to drive more (as will i)

he is now not responding to my emails where i am offering to meet him half way on all of the journeys (i have never once expected him to do all the driving)

I have a tendency to worry(!!!)

and I am now worried that he has been to a sol and I been googling things like prohibited steps orders that could stop me moving.

all i am trying to do is create a good future for me and my boys with the man i want to be with.

it seems at odds to me that exh can put a stop to this (not even sure he could) when he was the one who left. Surely a judge would never rule that I could not leave the town where i am now and not allow me to get on with my life?

WarriorQueen

Relax.

Undoubtedly he has been to see a Sol unless he's just blown a fuse and incapacitated. But it'd be highly, highly unlikely he could stop you moving unless he had a very very good reason. A friend of mine's XW moved the family 3 hours away and there was nothing he could do other than look to move too.

Relax. Have a cuppa, post in legal if you're that worried.

I haven't read all of this thread but I'm afraid I disagree with the general thrust of a lot of the advice.

If this goes to court the courts will want to ensure that access arrangements are modified appropriately to take account of the extra distance between you, which may involve, for example, fewer visits lasting longer. As you are the one moving away the starting point is likely to be that you pay the extra costs of contact and take the additional inconvenience.

I understand you feel this is unfair but imagine it was him moving away. Wouldn't you then feel it was fair for him to do all the driving and pay for all the petrol? After all, in that situation the increased costs would be due to his action in moving away, not down to anything you had done.

I must emphasise that you paying the extra costs and taking the additional inconvenience is only the starting point. The outcome may be different. But the best thing is to agree a compromise and avoid going to court if that is possible.

And by the way I note that he has been verbally abusive and you think this is his way of controlling you. That could have some bearing on the outcome if this does go to court.

I note in your latest post you speculate that he may try to stop you from moving. It is possible he could get a prohibited steps order to stop you moving but such orders are rare where the parent is moving within the UK. They have generally only been granted where it is clear that the move is purely intended to frustrate contact. So, whilst I wouldn't completely rule it out, I think it is unlikely your ex would be able to stop you.

I think it is unfair that HE was the one who had the affair and that HE was the one who left and that HE can move anywhere he wants but I could possibly have to stay around him at his convenience?

That seems like twisted logic to me!

not getting at you prh47 by the way.

I would not be able to afford to pay for all of the extra costs as he pays me the min CSA amount as it is. Plus I work from home and I use the weekends he has the children to do a lot of my work, so from a time point of view I can't really afford to spend 6 hours out of a weekend driving.

He has a very good job with a company car and he has pots of spare cash (he has been on 4 holidays already this year).