Can I ask a question - what would your husband do?

[rockinastocking]

I just need to know if it's me or him

Supposed to be going out to a Halloween party tonight. Have been before, we both hate it , kids love it.

We're not getting on well at the moment, and have argued as a result of these parties before. DH socially awkward, I get fed up, etc.

Anyway, DH took DS1 out for a costume this morning, and while they were out I started feeling ill. Squitty tummy, etc. Sorry if TMI.

When DH came in I mentioned I wasn't feeling well. He said nothing about the party, but I could sense a tension.

He later said something about "what time are we going?" and I said something like that I didn't feel well enough.

Right...now can I ask what your husbands would have said?

DP reckons that if it was causing such anxiety (I get the symptoms you describe when I'm worried about something) then we just wouldn't go.

Why?

In that situation you describe, whichever one of us said we were ill, the other would've said something selfish and unsympathetic about how you weren't getting out of going to the sodding party. At least then i suppose we'd be united in enduring the misery. Was he really horrible or just self-centered/unsympathetic?

If we both hated it we would have made an excuse not to go in the first place. If we agreed and I then felt ill, DH would take the DCs on his own for a short while and put a fake smile on his face. What's happened?

DH - "Have you taken anything for it?" - ie get better quick cos I really don't fancy taking the DCs so would rather you were better so you we could take them.

I don't think it's anxiety. More like something I ate.

The children are very excited. They would be gutted not to go.

Maybe it's me then. I just assumed the normal thing would be for him to take them.

He gave me chapter and verse on how he can't stand there like a prick by himself, he'd never put me in this position, he was waiting for something like this, he doesn't know the people well enough to go without me , well, none of us should go then, etc etc.

No concern for how I'm feeling.

But maybe the bloke can't do right for doing wrong.

Thanks.

Nb. If it was something more serious he'd be sympathetic, but squits (without vom presumably?) is, as other poster said, just as likely to be nerves.

Should add DH is socially awkward too - borderline aspergers (family history of autism)

I think DH would just take the kids on his own as they would miss out, and leave me to convalesce on the sofa. He wouldn't have a sulk, I know that much!

Mine would offer not to go.
especially if he didn't want to go himself.

Yes, maybe I'm asking too much.

I just don't like him very much tbh

It sometimes feel like I have an extra child. I'd love to be married to someone who would say something like, "Oh, poor you. Tell you what, I'll take the kids to this bloody party for a couple of hours. You watch telly and put your feet up."

But I'm not. We have to have a drama.

Sorry, x-posted. But squits is still low on sympathy here unless proper bad food poisoning. He would also have tried to get out of going if I wasn't going. Sorry you're putting yourselves through this tho. Hope the kids make it worthwhile.

Mine would, after a bit of huffing, probably take the kids himself for an hour or so.

Too right, BluddyMoFo.

my husband would offer to go himself, and take the kids. he has actually done this (for playgroup) a good few times.

there is no way he would disappoint the kids by not taking them.

It just seems that he puts himself and his shyness first every time.

His first solution was that he drop the kids off and leave them by themselves. Fgs.

I just wish he would man up, tbh.

I don't think he's autistic.

He's done presentations for his degree, and one year at this self same party he asked me if I wanted a drink getting and then buggered off for half an hour leaving me on my own. I finally tracked him down having a beer and a laugh with a group of blokes in the kitchen, my drink forgotten.

Desperately shy, though

Ah ok. Autism is a spectrum, though, and the things you describe sound like they could be traits. Also, most of the "Communicating with someone with Autism" stuff is pretty sound common sense advice that I've found myself using in real life (although my DP sometimes tells me off for patronising him because I can't always help it I've been working in that environment for too many years!)

My dh would prob not have agreed to go in the first place. Didn't even want to come to dds party in our own home. It's just not his thing and I don't mind (am quite jealous of him though!)

i dont have a DP but if i did have one and it was him that wasn't feeling well i would probably just say," we'll not go then, we can take the kids to something else over the half term break" and then i would have gotten the dcs bathed and suppered early and into bed so him and i culd slob out on the sofa, i wouldn't even mind terribly if his symptoms had disappeared by that stage either as niether of us had wanted to go in the first place.

next year dont agree to go. it's causing more trouble between yu than it's worth. there is always lots on ver hallowe'en so tell the dcs you will take them to semthing else.

I might.

They'll be gutted, though.

Bugger.

I think I just look for ways to get offended these days.

If the dc's wanted to go whoever felt okay would take them.

While neither of us are socially anxious, it doesn't sound like your DH is either. If he was ill would he have just presumed you would have taken the dc's?

I'd have just taken them. No question.

He wasn't socially anxious when he's in his comfort zone.

Out of it? Useless.