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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask a question - what would your husband do?

78 replies

rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 14:07

I just need to know if it's me or him Sad

Supposed to be going out to a Halloween party tonight. Have been before, we both hate it , kids love it.

We're not getting on well at the moment, and have argued as a result of these parties before. DH socially awkward, I get fed up, etc.

Anyway, DH took DS1 out for a costume this morning, and while they were out I started feeling ill. Squitty tummy, etc. Sorry if TMI.

When DH came in I mentioned I wasn't feeling well. He said nothing about the party, but I could sense a tension.

He later said something about "what time are we going?" and I said something like that I didn't feel well enough.

Right...now can I ask what your husbands would have said?

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 14:44

isn't

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 29/10/2011 14:45

Can you not just gobble a couple of Immodium and take the kids? Your H does sound like a prick and you might want to think about getting rid of him, but in the meantime it seems a bit of a shame that the DC miss out on a party because the adults can't stop squabbling.

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 14:47

I've already decided that, SGVB.

I'm also thinking of getting rid...you've advised me before on the matter, under a different name.

This is the sort of stuff he promises will change, but it never bloody does.

I think the squits probably are nerves, come to think of it. Considering this particular party has ended in a row the last two years.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 29/10/2011 14:47

If I was you I would be pissed off. It sounds though as this is a straw that broke the camels back type situation?

If you feel up to it, take some immodium, take the kids and stuff him. Are there people you know and can have a drink chat with when you get there?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 29/10/2011 14:48

What SGB said.
Also, I am horrendously shy but would still not have hesitated for a moment to take my DCs and sit in a corner for a couple of hours for their sake.
He's being monumentally selfish. It's not about him.

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 14:50

ThatsNotMy - one of many straws. My poor camel is in traction.

He is selfish, I think.

OP posts:
noonar · 29/10/2011 15:02

are the dc old enough to be left? could you say that dh has to work and that you're not well. so... dh could drop them but cant stay?

my dh used to be a bit selfish in this sort of situation too, until I point out to him that I too would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to a soft play party, or whatever. i think that as you don't complain, then they somehow think its less unpleasant for you.

an example of this is the Shock look I get from dh if i suggest that he takes the dds to dancing on his own. I mean, i just love wasting my saturday morning in a church hall Hmm. it's as if they don't want you to get off that hook either!

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 15:05

Has to work no good. He works from home.

They are old enough, and ds1 would be okay, but ds2 wouldn't. He's younger and shyer and he wouldn't enjoy it.

Oh, he knows how I feel about stuff, all right. Tbh, I don't mind taking them places. Never have. It's going to parties with him I hate. I feel like I have to look after him, until he finds his feet and buggers off.

We're both so tense by the time we get there that there's no way we can enjoy ourselves.

I just wish he was easier, and that he'd sort his issues out.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 15:06

I need to leave, don't I ? Sad

I've just read this back. My poor kids.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 29/10/2011 15:14

Is he doing/has he tried to do anything about his social anxiety? Does he realise how much it affects you?
Do the two of you have other problems? Is he equally selfish the rest of the time?
Because from what you've said so far, leaving sounds a very drastic way of dealing with the situation!

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 15:16

Sorry, I don't mean as a result of this!

Long history of massive problems, fault on both sides, have more or less decided to split after Christmas, he wants to make it work.

But reading this back, my utter dislike and lack of respect is shining through.

Sorry.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 29/10/2011 15:35

So he "wants to make it work"...but isn't willing to change his behaviour or put himself out to make a difference?
That's what's shining through.

BalloonSlayer · 29/10/2011 15:43

I think I'd struggle to stop myself saying:

"You know I want to split up but you want it to work? Well, being kind to me when I am ill and taking your children to a party they desperately want to go to when I am too unwell to take them myself might just be the first step on that particular journey."

Tortington · 29/10/2011 15:46

if dh didn't like going

if i didn't like going

i wouldn;t go.

martyrdom for children is over rated, they will hate you when they are 15 no matter what you do love.

Kayano · 29/10/2011 15:52

I don't know what DH would do but I would go all über bitch on him lol

'oh really?'
'how bloody convenient'

Etc etc

And I would be pissed ad skeptical if it seemed to come from nowhere

Kayano · 29/10/2011 15:54

Fully admit
To not readig thread btw, but I have a DH who always has a 'bad back' whenever he needs to pick something up from the bottom shelf at supermarket, but is miraculously cured in time for a game of badminton

HauntyMython · 29/10/2011 15:55

My DH is very shy but would put the DCs first and go for a bit - or stay and look after me if I was that unwell.

This is about more than a party anyway though, so our answers aren't really relevant :(

Kayano · 29/10/2011 15:59

But is she that unwell though or just an upset tummy? It would surely depend on symptoms/ state of the person involved as to the reaction they would get from their OH, ESP if both hadn't wanted to go anyway.

I know no history of your relationship btw but there has to be a lot more to it f you are going to 'get rid' for this?

Chandon · 29/10/2011 16:04

well, how serious is the squitts thing? every 10 minutes, are you in bed with cramps? in that case, my DH would have grumbled but taken them.

If I would say I have a bad tummy, but had been having a normal lunch, and it was just a few extra loo visits, then he would probably say: "well, If you're not going, I'm not going"

my Dh HATES socialising. And I just act as a single mum and often go alone. i don't even ask him to come, I do tell him "We are going to a party tomorrow".

Funnily, he then often feels left out, especially when the DC come back full of stories and giggles and ask him why he didn't go.

Then again, I think nothing of going on my own to a party as I am very chatty and sociable Blush and like to meet new people as well as catching up with old friends.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2011 16:09

My (now ex) husband would have said, "I'll take the kids on my own" and would have tried to cop off with someone.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2011 16:10

What's gone wrong at the last two parties, OP?

He doesn't sound desperately shy if he's in the kitchen with the other guys. Do you mean he's a bit snobby about who he talks to and won't make any effort to talk to anyone?

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 16:10

Thanks for replies.

I think the tummy and the party are red herrings. It's just a rerun of the same old issues.

I don't want to go - with him. That's the sad truth.

He's just had a small dummy spit because I said his costume looks like Ozzy Osbourne when it's supposed to be Gary Oldman in Dracula. Can't wear it now. Fgs.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 16:15

Problem at party is that it's full of acquaintances who all know each other well. I know the hostess well, everyone else, nodding terms. Dh and I usually find ourselves hovering near the buffet feeling awkward.

We don't band together in these situations, we end up hissing at each other. Then he'll wander off and find someone to get merry with, once I'm too wound up to enjoy myself.

I'd be all right on my own.

OP posts:
Chandon · 29/10/2011 16:17

o God, you are both dressing up too!

the horror the horror....

that makes it all worse, for you, somehow

How's the tum?

Kayano · 29/10/2011 16:18

Well maybe that didn't help op if you are already leaving him to do the running around and he hates it,

A sudden upset stomach

And ongoing issues,,, maybe you shouldn't take the mick out of his costume and then be 'Fgs' when he gets upset/ annoyed

I would too and I wouldnt wear it anymore. Obv it wasn't good enough? He can prob feel your resentment of him btw...