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Original poster

Can I ask a question - what would your husband do?

78 replies

rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 14:07

I just need to know if it's me or him Sad

Supposed to be going out to a Halloween party tonight. Have been before, we both hate it , kids love it.

We're not getting on well at the moment, and have argued as a result of these parties before. DH socially awkward, I get fed up, etc.

Anyway, DH took DS1 out for a costume this morning, and while they were out I started feeling ill. Squitty tummy, etc. Sorry if TMI.

When DH came in I mentioned I wasn't feeling well. He said nothing about the party, but I could sense a tension.

He later said something about "what time are we going?" and I said something like that I didn't feel well enough.

Right...now can I ask what your husbands would have said?

OP posts:
said · 29/10/2011 16:21

TBH, if you both really hate this party, I just wouldn't agree to go in future. For tonight, I think whoever is up to it should take the kids but hide the invite next year.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 29/10/2011 16:22

hmmmmmm to be honest, depends on the mood DH (or me if the shoe was on the other foot) were in and if we were both dreading the party anyway can't say either of us would be unselfish about it...

Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 16:22

I didn't take the mick. It's a great costume. I'd just woken up, ds1 was going 'who does it remind me of?' and I said Ozzy. Long hair and little round blue glasses. It did! But he looks like Dracula as well!

So sensitive. I'm not. Bad mix Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinastocking · 29/10/2011 16:25

Tum okay. I'm going to go with a rictus grin and not let his perpetual embarrassment get to me.

And yes, I sound horrid. But I've had twenty years of this. I just would like an easier life.

OP posts:
Robotindisguise · 29/10/2011 16:42

My DH would have said "So I have to go by myself?" and if I said yes would have said "I'm not going in a costume then if you're not there" and I would have said fine. He'd have pulled a face but he'd have gone.

ScareyFairenuff · 29/10/2011 20:50

I'd love to be married to someone who would say something like, "Oh, poor you. Tell you what, I'll take the kids to this bloody party for a couple of hours. You watch telly and put your feet up - my DH would have said this. In fact he has done on more than one occasion when I've been unwell or we have decided that one of us will stay home.

It seems that you want your DH to behave differently and he's not going to. If he is socially awkward that is something that will probably not change. You could both work on your communication skills though. But personally I don't think it's asking a lot for him to take the kids if it's all been arranged.

Not sure why you agreed to go if you both hate it so much?

Appuskidu · 29/10/2011 21:20

I'd be pissed off that you were being feeble and trying to land me alone in a situation that you didn't want to be in either. DH has done this to me before at the last minute and I've been convinced he just doesn't want to go and fancies 3 hours on his own.

Don't agree to go to things that neither of you want to go to in future.

unavailable · 29/10/2011 21:41

I hope your evening went ok OP, whatever you chose to do.

This struck a chord with me:

"Dh and I usually find ourselves hovering near the buffet feeling awkward.
We don't band together in these situations, we end up hissing at each other.Then he'll wander off and find someone to get merry with, once I'm too wound up to enjoy myself. I'd be all right on my own."

I have been known to project my anxieties onto my partner in some social situations. Only with hindsight can I admit it was my issues that made me feel uncomfortable not his.

I havent read your other thread, so may be way off the mark, but if you would be ok with going alone, why wasnt that the plan?

meltedchocolate · 29/10/2011 22:54

:( Oh no. I have social ishooos. Nearly DP does not. He is very out going. I am easily offended (though he seems to know what he can and cant say to me and has taken the time to find out these things). I am great in my comfort zone (My own hone) but don't like others 'invading' my comfort zone, whereas DP would happily go anywhere and happily have anyone round. I really hope DP does not turn into you OP because I can't help my issues and can't make myself 'man up', hence them being issues... but DP is an amazingly gentle, loving and caring man, so I wouldn't have thought he would turn into you. If he did then I would have no hope with anyone. Your poor poor DP :(

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 29/10/2011 22:56

How was it?

meltedchocolate · 29/10/2011 22:56

PS YABU and sound like an unpleasant 'D'W tbh.

TheSecondComing · 29/10/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startail · 29/10/2011 23:23

He would moan like mad, but probably go depends on age and pester power of the DCs.

KoPo · 29/10/2011 23:47

My DH would have just taken the kids to the party and got on with it. Oh and phoned me every now and again to make sure I was ok.

ScareyFairenuff · 29/10/2011 23:51

I just think you are not suited to each other. I think your personalities are poles apart and you do not communicate well. I think OP that you have, in your head, decided that you do not want to be with him any more and therefore the things he does that used to irritate you now annoy the hell out of you.

I think I remember your other thread, was it about your wedding abroad?

Original poster
rockinastocking · 30/10/2011 07:50

We went. Had a good time , believe it or not. I decided to let him fend for himself and he did. Maybe I have been projecting.

I know I sound unpleasant, MeltedChocolate. Believe me, I'm well aware. One of the reasons I think I need to leave. DH would be better off without me.

But he's not always shy and retiring - he can be very strong when it suits him.

No foreign wedding here, btw.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 30/10/2011 08:01

I don't think you sound unpleasant OP! You are being searingly honest, you have endured years of frustration and you are in the throes of marital problems.
My dh is not socially awkward but, though he's wonderful for the most part, has a very selfish streak and often can't be arsed with kids' activities unless it's something he really enjoys like sports.
I do nearly all the kids' parties stuff on weekends, ocassionally I will make it clear it's a three line whip but even then he will do what he wants!
But sometimes it really gets to me that he does things with bad grace and grumbles at the dc, and I feel resentful. In your scenario, he'd have probably taken the kids with a face like a slapped arse, stayed for an hour, come home and opened a bottle of wine!
Glad it all went well though.

mycherubs · 30/10/2011 08:33

you sound really cheesed off - at the end of your tether - ive been there myself and when like that in the past i know my DH could do no right! i was going to say that with regards to the party attendance with him being 'socially inadequate' that it would be a little unreasonable for him to attend alone. i know youve said hes like another child and it would irritate me aswell but i think perhaps on this occasion you were expecting something that he just couldnt deliver. i know plenty of men who dont stand up to the plate and let their partner relax and put their feet up ... yes they are like children too. sometimes i think their partners let them get away with murder.

ive just read the bottom of the post and read you had a good time anyhow at the party, great. you know how it is just when we are expecting the worst it turns out rosey. then when we expect the best it goes tits up! so he can do it, perhaps he feels uneasy at the initial pressure of it. about your marriage - is there nothing this man does for you? emotionally ? sexually ? or does he just not 'get you' ? i hope you manage to work this out - i know youve said youve been wanting things to chnage for 20 years - but im a big advocate of people staying together and working things through - not if one partner is unhappy to the point of depression of course!! and not were one partner (usually the female) is being treated like a doormat - good luck with everything, hope he starts to open his ears and engage his brain! some men are so slow on the uptake sometimes - this has been written superfast so advance apology for my grammar

Original poster
rockinastocking · 30/10/2011 08:58

That's a really kind post, mycherubs, thank you.

He doesn't 'get me ', no. He's trying very hard but it's all too late.

He's a very nice man, and his next partner will be a very lucky woman.

We just aren't suited. It's not him, and it's not me. It's 'us' that's wrong.Sad

OP posts:
WibblyBibble · 30/10/2011 15:18

I'm socially awkward and actually diagnosed (not by myself, by a psychologist) with mild asd and anxiety. I still take my kids to things because I am a parent and that is my job. He needs to grow the fuck up and not think that being male excuses him from the duty to socialise his kids.

flippingstupidnickname · 30/10/2011 17:52

Wow rockinastocking I could have written most of your posts.

My H is a very nice bloke but we're just not suited. We bring out the worst in each other. Years ago I absolutely adored and worshipped him. I would have done anything for him and always put his feelings ahead of my own. I never got that returned.

I always felt he was somewhat ambivilent towards me and is inherrently selfish (even noted by my family members). He's the type of person who will always prioritise his needs and wants (even sometimes ahead of our DC).

Fast forward 10 years and I am now a horrible person to live with. I resent him and have no respect for him.To me, a situation like you describe would just be another example of him putting his needs ahead of everyone elses when, on the surface, it seems a very trivial situation.

Particularly your latest post pretty much sums me and H up exactly Sad

meltedchocolate · 30/10/2011 19:12

"I know I sound unpleasant, MeltedChocolate. Believe me, I'm well aware. One of the reasons I think I need to leave. DH would be better off without me."

Always a lovely excuse to give yourself. BTW Grass isn't greener, but have fun finding that out for yourself.

MoaninMinny · 30/10/2011 19:37

No concern for how I'm feeling.

probs cos he doesnt believe you. I dont think i would believe anyone who cried off a party they didnt really want to go to with an "upset tummy". its too convenient an excuse

Original poster
rockinastocking · 30/10/2011 20:19

flippingstupidnickname

Our situations sound exactly the same. I could have written that post, you've summed up my situation exactly.

meltedchocolate You seem very angry with me. I'm sorry about that. Believe me, I'm not having much fun here.

OP posts:
ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 19:54

Sorry rockin I got you mixed up with another poster with a similar name Blush, whoops!

I was just wondering, have you already decided to separate from your DH?

He doesn't 'get me ', no. He's trying very hard but it's all too late.

He's a very nice man, and his next partner will be a very lucky woman.

I know the whole 'horrible party' thing has blown over now, but this was just one example of what life together is like for you two, isn't it. You were trying to get some perspective and I think some of the responses have made you think that you have already (mentally at least) given up on the relationship.