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Original poster

telling DP about my past job - help i've got myself in a panic.

32 replies

wellobviouslyihave · 25/10/2011 23:33

I have named changed for this one.

I have a new DP (just got serious) he is great, is wonderful with my DS who is 4 who loves him.
We were talking the other day about worst jobs we had when we were younger and I suddenly panicked.

When I was in uni (putting myself though) i worked as an escort.

Now I never ever had sex (that was extra) with any of the clients.

But I've got really panicked.

Help!?!?!? do I tell him, is it wrong for me not to, if I do how, will it just ruin everything. Is it wrong to tell him now after months of not telling him?

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 25/10/2011 23:45

If you never actually had sex with these men then just tell him that. Be honest with him.

squeakyfreakytoy · 25/10/2011 23:46

Personally I wouldnt tell him. It was something that you did long before you knew him, and has no bearing on your relationship.

So long as you know that he is not going to find out from anyone else, then it is none of his business.

I know of plenty girls who went on dates with rich blokes while they were younger, purely because the blokes had money... and they DID sleep with them.

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/10/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whattheactualjeff · 26/10/2011 00:08

Agree with the others. Why say anything? I had friends when I was at college who did escort work, someone who 'danced'. no biggie imo and got them through college.

BustersOfDoom · 26/10/2011 00:09

What squeaky and shiney says. Don't tell him, nowt to do with him and nowt to do with your relationship.

I don't get this need that some people have to totally unburden yourself about your past to a partner when you get 'serious'. Some things need to stay in the past and be forgotten. This is one of those things.

ColdTruth · 26/10/2011 00:18

I think why she may feel the need to unburden because if anyone she knows, knew she was an escort it may come out in an unfortunate way.

AnyPhantomFucker · 26/10/2011 00:26

I wouldn't tell

I am a massive proponent for honesty within a relationship, but the past is yours to disclose or not as you see fit

nobody has the right to own all you were before you met them

tell if you think it will help you

if not, don't

BustersOfDoom · 26/10/2011 00:31

Well only the OP knows that and how likely it might be. If it was me and I thought it unlikely my new DP could find out independently I would keep quiet and try to put it behind me. Yes if she worked as an escort in the same town/city as she is in now or her new DP moves in similar business circles as her previous clients it might be a bit tricky and the OP will have to weigh up the risks of that.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/10/2011 04:36

An escort who never had sex with her clients? Sorry, I find that hard to believe. If true, make up a "worst ever job", though if true, I would find it hard to believe that a "worst ever job" involved being wined, dined etc without the shagging!

troisgarcons · 26/10/2011 07:23

Your past has a way of catching up with you. Whether or not you went the whole hog is neither here nor there. You may bump into one of your 'clients', socially at some point and be recognised. Whether or not you slept with him, he may well deduce you slept with others and mention to your DP how he knows you.

If a partner can't take you, warts and all, then it's pointless building a relationship on lies, even if its lying by omission.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 13:16

Don't tell him yet. Wait until you have a better idea of what sort of a person he is. Some men are very dodgy about sex work - either determined to 'rescue' sex workers (and then expect undying gratitude and total sexual access) or extremely judgemental and negative (about the sex worker, not just the sex industry). If he turns out to be one of these, just dump him - without telling him as there is no need to expose yourself to verbal abuse from a misogynistic knob.

pinkdelight · 26/10/2011 13:47

I'd tell him. if he's a great guy and of a like-mind to you, it shouldn't be a big deal. I knew my Dh had been to a prostitute a couple of times in the past and we just laughed about it. It's part of his life and I like to know who he is/was. Do you have worries/insecurities that he might judge you or love you less? if so, then I'd question whether he's the great guy you think he is, or at least that he's the right partner for you. If you're broad-minded enough to have gone in for escort work and strong enough not to have slept with any clients, your DP wouldn't be much cop for being put off by it. Why pretend?

pinkdelight · 26/10/2011 13:48

in the past, before we got together I mean, if that's not clear!

windsorTides · 26/10/2011 16:10

I think it depends on so many factors - and also what you think of the sex industry and the punters who hired you. It also depends on whether you feel you've been damaged by your experience and whether it has had an effect on your responses to situations.

Putting myself in your partner's shoes, I would want to know if a new partner had worked in the sex industry before I got too heavily involved. If he now felt as strongly against the industry as I do and wanted to use that experience to halt the trade of people for their sexuality, then this would make me feel more for him, not less.

Similarly, I'd want to know if a new partner had ever belonged to or worked for, a racist organisation - and what his politics were now. It depends on his values - and yours.

I think before telling him, I'd get it clear in your own mind why you exercised the choice to do this work to put yourself through university - and not other jobs. I wouldn't presume to assume your individual circumstances or why other work wasn't open to you, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you did this and whether there were other options.

I'd also sound him out about his views on the sex industry. If he puts the blame where it's deserved - on the punters and the industry as a whole and you also get the sense that he respects women too much to buy them for sex or adornment, then it's likely that he will understand your choices. If however he takes a very misogynist stance and is perjorative about sex workers alone - and female sexuality especially, well he's probably not a good bet at all and not deserving of your honesty.

matana · 26/10/2011 16:18

I think for a relationship to have legs it helps to be as open as possible, because it tends to sort the wheat from the chaff. My DH knows everything about me and my past and vice versa. I think it helps build a stronger and more lasting relationship to know your OH inside out. I don't really see how you working as an escort is such a big deal tbh. If the guy is worth his salt he'll stick around. If not, he'll use it as a perfect excuse to run a mile and really, do you want an OH like that?

elastamum · 26/10/2011 16:21

I wouldnt. I also have a new DP. We know a fair bit about our past lives (both 50 ish so a lot to tell!) But I wouldnt give him all the gory details on past relatonships etc and wouldnt expect to know his.

It is who we are now that is important

SirHumphreyAppleby · 26/10/2011 16:23

There's no need to tell him if you'd rather not. As SGB says, make sure that you can trust him if you do decide to tell him, as you could find it being used against you if he's not a nice person.

Original poster
wellobviouslyihave · 27/10/2011 00:58

Thank you - you have given me somethings to think about.
oldlady you want to do it? i may not have has sex with them but (i felt) it to be increasingly degrading but at the time i could see no other way of earning any money (and i had very complex circumstances)
Ohh and thanks windsor

OP posts:
ravenAK · 27/10/2011 01:22

I think I'd think very carefully about how likely it was that he'd find out without me telling him.

'Working in Uni town 200 miles away 20 years ago' would be much lower risk in that respect than 'recently & regularly dining with clients in a local hotel owned by his Auntie Mabel', sort of thing.

If I was sure it was up to me whether he knew about it or not, I'd see it as absolutely none of his business unless/until I wanted to discuss it, maybe months or years down the line, or never.

If there was every likelihood that he'd hear stories about my past from anyone else, I'd probably prefer him to hear it from me - then at least if he's going to be shocked/horrified, I'd know before I got any more involved.

Possibly that's not very honest; but it's your past & your business.

AliGrylls · 27/10/2011 01:43

I wouldn't tell immediately (if ever). AFAIC all relationships are capable of having little secrets and in 10 years time it will not be important. After 7 years of being together DH doesn't know all about my past and it is no longer important.

frutilla · 27/10/2011 01:59

I wouldn't tell him. There is a big chance that even if he supports you outwardly, it will upset him in some way....or he won't be able to handle it. Of course it might not be like that, but it's too much of a chance to take.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 27/10/2011 04:23

In theory I'm an advocate for honesty being the best policy but in practice it can be more politic and certainly less prejudicial to be, in a certain Mr Aitken's immortal words, 'economical with the actualite'.

In your case I would counsel you against telling your new dp about your forays into the somewhat murky realms of 'escorting' in order to fund your studies but, if you weren't having sex with the punters, I'm surprised you were able to make ends meet and I doubt that you got any repeat business unless your clients were impotent.

Do you not have anything else on your cv that qualifies as a 'worst job' such as chicken plucking or a stint in Maccy D's? If not, you're best advised not to invent something although I see no harm in coming up with the 'worst job' you never had, i.e 'I nearly applied for x job until I realised y and z', as long as it doesn't trump his otherwise you may be called upon to go into fine detail.

If the subject comes up again, I'd simply say 'I can't match your experience' and make sympathetic noises about how awful his worst job must have been for him before refreshing his drink and changing the subject - as an experienced diner-out with strangers, you surely have an extensive repertoire of small talk that can amuse and divert?

Should troigarcon's prediction that 'you may bump into one of your 'clients' come true, I suspect that s/he would be as anxious to avoid you as you'd be to avoid them and, if you were attending an event where an introduction was de rigeur or inevitable, they'd doubtless be equally as anxious to avoid any reference to anY earlier meeting.

If that unlikely event occurs, I suggest you cover your blushes by feigning ignorance of any prior acquaintance and simply say 'How do you do?' as you shake their hand before turning away to latch on to a genuine unknown.

Should you experience any twinges of guilt at committing a sin by omission assail your conscience, repeat the mantra 'discretion is the better part of valour' until they disappear.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/10/2011 05:02

Izzy, you have it just right. OP, take note.

DeadFromTheNeckUp · 27/10/2011 05:27

It's in the past - I wouldn't tell him ever.

A revelation like this would put me off a new partner.

Just hope that your former clients are as discreet as you about it and not having a laugh about you with their current partner like pinkdelight's DH! Hmm

FearfulYank · 27/10/2011 05:39

I would tell at some point, but that's just me. I don't think you should have to tell.