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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyone ever decided to look for someone else without leaving their OH?

83 replies

livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 21:21

Am just wondering - leaving oh does not seem possible at present (please do not all post saying that I should leave him as it just isn't feasible at the moment for lots of reasons but maybe one day) but I really miss having someone to talk to - am not so bothered about the physical side - I sort of want an emotional affair I guess - I just get so lonely sometimes. I just want someone to tell about my day and to confide in.

OP posts:
Kayano · 24/10/2011 21:25

Why does it
Need to be an emotional affair?! Why not try get a GF to talk to?
Do you not see threads on here where the EA hurt people more than if it had been just sex?

.... Does your OH know it's over or are u trying to do this behind his back?

Why do you feel like this?

MigratingCoconuts · 24/10/2011 21:27

I can't imagine a situation where what you describe is acceptable. Its too hurtful.

Surely female friends would do for what you need?

Ladylou83 · 24/10/2011 21:29

Yes my H did, needless to say he has gone now

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 24/10/2011 21:30

oh thats fine if you only want an emotional affair,not a sexual one!
if youve 'decided to look for someone else' goodluck but let your dh know first.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 21:32

can't you just find a female friend ? Confused

SoupDragon · 24/10/2011 21:40

Grow up.

FabbyChic · 24/10/2011 21:41

My sister never finishes a relationship until she has someone else, if it doesnt work out she goes backwards, fucks up their heads until someone else comes along, gets engaged and goes backwards again, for her though the deciding factor is who can pay and score the most coke.

I have nothing to do with her it's no way to treat people.

As AF said get a female friend.

GreenMonkies · 24/10/2011 21:44

Yes, my ex did. He had about 3 affairs (I'm not entirely sure exactly how many) until we eventually split. He's on Great Love Of His Life #4 now.

Don't do it. Wait until you have left.

ripitupandstartagain · 24/10/2011 21:45

Hi livingontheedge
I'm sure lots of people have decided to do just that if they are in a so-so or unhappy relationship, but obviously it is not recommended as far as potentially causing hassle, hurt and emotional upset is concerned. If you just want a emotional support and not sex why not get a female friend as ^ said above? I would imaging it's not that simple though for you is it - a women friend isn't going to boost your ego, make you feel desirable etc etc?

buzzskeleton · 24/10/2011 21:47

If you're not bothered about the physical side, it doesn't sound like you actually need it to be a 'someone else' but need a friend. Or are you really looking for a white knight to come and rescue you?

SansaLannister · 24/10/2011 21:47

Get a dog.

FabbyChic · 24/10/2011 21:49

I recommend a dog, just me and my dog here, unconditional love, someone to talk to whose opinion never contradicts your own.

It's neat.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/10/2011 21:53

If you are in a crap relationship and planning to leave but need to take your time, it's actually better to aim to spend some time single before looking for a new partner. Relationships are not compulsory and often get in the way of having a life anyway, especially bad ones, as your head just becomes full of The Relationship and How To Fix It. So what you need is some time to make friends, take up hobbies, discover who you are and what you want.

MigratingCoconuts · 24/10/2011 21:55

excellent advice SGvB!!

Original poster
livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 22:03

....Why not try get a GF to talk to?

I've tried but can't. oh is (I think) emotionally abusive and makes it very hard for me to have proper friends. Also it isn't that easy to find a good friend - how would I get one? Where I guess that what I want is a really good friend but I've only ever had one good female friend - the rest have always been male (when I worked I worked in a very male dominated environment, was the only woman on my course at uni so only met men there). We moved about 5 years ago and I have lots of people that I can lunch with locally, can chat to but no one that I woudl describe as "close" - they all have close "best friends" that they have known for years whereas I am the "new person". Whenever I try to get close to someone sooner or later (usually sooner) they want to do things as "two couples" - go out for a meal or meet up with the kids etc and oh will not and so it is hard. They just drift off and find anothe rperson who will meet up occasionally for Sunday lunch etc etc.

.... Does your OH know it's over or are u trying to do this behind his back?

he is uninterested in anything I do (as long as I cook and clean etc etc). Last time I tried to talk to him about how I felt he just said "okay say what you want to say and then shut the door on your way out [of the living room]" so hardly sympathetic :(

I know that I sound like I'm the evil b*tch from hell but I donot know how I can carry on feeling as lonely and isolated as I do. If I did ever find a friend then they'd expect me to do all the normal "friend things" which are just about impossible given what oh is like so the only kind of close relationship that I can see working is a clandestine one. If OH knows that I have seen someone he wants to know what they have said etc and then rips it all apart (ie the usual "they are not good enough for you because..." and "they do not like you becuse...". I know that it is seemingly easy to ignore this but the drip drip nature really gets to me (and yes I do know that this is emotional abuse :) )

OP posts:
Original poster
livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 22:06

So what you need is some time to make friends, take up hobbies, discover who you are and what you want.
but that is exactly what I'd never have any of if I actually left oh as I'd have to give up my PT job (which is the only thing that keeps me sane) and never go out as I'd have the children to look after. And yes I know that I'm effectively using oh as childcare so that I can work but he is effectively using me as an unpaid housekeeper/cook/nanny so I refuse to feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/10/2011 22:09

you see, you've banned us from saying the onlly reasonable thing to do in this situation...which is to to leave.

I can't see what else there is accept to try the things people have suggested.

Your worst option though, is to hurt others by having an affair.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 24/10/2011 22:11

OK, then. So stay in your damaging relationship, keep considering the nice people you have lunch with as acquaintances rather than friends, and have an affair. Is that your plan? That'll work out well.

Or: leave the bastard, deepen your acquaintance with the nice people you already do spend time with, and work on your issues to regain your own sense of self-worth. Not necessarily in that order.

bubblegumpop · 24/10/2011 22:12

ermmmmmm leave!

buzzskeleton · 24/10/2011 22:14

Why would splitting up with your oh mean you'd have to give up your job? Could you not get a babysitter/childminder? Have you looked into what tax credits etc you'd be entitled to?

EricNorthmansMistress · 24/10/2011 22:15

I cannot for the life of me work out why you aren't leaving him.

buzzskeleton · 24/10/2011 22:19

Also, if you're in an abusive relationship now, you're very likely to attract the same sort of man and end up with another abusive situation (not to mention the fact that any guy you did attract while in a relationship might not be of the most decent sort: being willing to cheat with you may also be willing to cheat on you). You'd be best getting free somehow, and working on your man radar before you got involved with anyone again.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 22:20

What reason can there possibly be to stay in an abusive relationship like this. I would rather live in poverty than misery, if it is down to finances.

Kayano · 24/10/2011 22:22

I also can't quite get got he is so Emotionally abusive that you can't have a girlfriend or any proper friends but yet he does
Not care enough so that you could consider an affair behind his back? Iyswim?

Not saying he is not abusive, just saying that surely if you can have an affair you could have a female friend?

Confused

Original poster
livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 22:35

Why would splitting up with your oh mean you'd have to give up your job? Could you not get a babysitter/childminder? I work nights.

if you can have an affair you could have a female friend because I've tried and it doesn't work because the freinds all expect me to be "normal" - ie do things like baby sit for them occasionally or help them out if they are stuck or go out at weekends as couples, invite them round for coffee and oh makes it impossible for me to do these things. I am still trying to form close female freindships but so far it just isn't working.

"What reason can there possibly be to stay in an abusive relationship like this" because I really, really love my job which involves working nights and I cannot see how to do this without oh looking after the children. Leaving him would mean that I woudl have to move (so would lose the people that I do know to see) and I'd tehn be stuck somewhere with absolutely no support network, no friends, no job

OP posts:
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