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Original poster

has anyone ever decided to look for someone else without leaving their OH?

83 replies

livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 21:21

Am just wondering - leaving oh does not seem possible at present (please do not all post saying that I should leave him as it just isn't feasible at the moment for lots of reasons but maybe one day) but I really miss having someone to talk to - am not so bothered about the physical side - I sort of want an emotional affair I guess - I just get so lonely sometimes. I just want someone to tell about my day and to confide in.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 22:38

ok, you don't want a solution, you want us to rubber stamp you having an affair

not.going.to.happen

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/10/2011 22:39

LOTE: It's possible to get night-time childcare (I know this because I used to work for a company that involved night shifts and some of my staff were single parents who used night-time childcare); talk to a nanny agency or something. If you become a working single parent, you will get working tax credit if your income is low, and that includes a contribution towards childcare.

Kayano · 24/10/2011 22:40

Right ok Hmm
You obviously know best. I'm with A(P)F here.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/10/2011 22:40

Also, while your H may be a shitty partner, if he is a decent parent he will probably be able to do some nighttime childcare ie have DC to stay in his new home.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 24/10/2011 22:41

so your love of your job means more than your happiness?

notlettingthefearshow · 24/10/2011 22:46

You sound very lonely and I feel for you. I don't think you sound like a selfish bitch at all, but I don't think now is the time to look for a new soulmate. I know some people do meet a new partner when they're still in a relationship, but it's not usually intentional and I don't think they would recommend it (unless I am being naive?) because it's just too messy. If you're lonely and vulnerable, I don't think you are in the best place to meet someone new.

Instead I would try to deepen the friendships you have. Perhaps by having closer friends you can talk to, you can build your confidence and move forward with your life.

babyhammock · 24/10/2011 22:57

Yo sound so unhappy.. and in your other posts :(
Leaving isn't that easy, as everyone knows esp when your confidence is so worn down and you can't see the wood for the trees... so then you think how can I make staying work, which I guess is why you came up with this plan.

Seems like you are desperately unhappy and want to cling onto the bit of security that you have, namely job and the support network you do have, and leaving is too scary.

FWIW I wouldn't worry about hurting H as he's been so horribly EA to you. I do think ling term though that you need to leave. I do understand that you want someone else to lean on..totally.

I would start formulating an exit strategy... slowly and surely,that's water tight and don't give him anything to use against you IYSWIM. He sounds the type to be very nasty in a break up.

xx

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 22:58

He won't let her have friendships

But she could have an affair

Something not adding up here

babyhammock · 24/10/2011 23:08

AF... I could be wrong (often happens Wink) but I think that normal friendships are too hard becase of the restraints imposed on her whereas an emotional affair type thing would be more predisposed/tolerant of when and how they can meet (supportive texts etc).. you know that a normal mum with kids couldn't be doing with type of thing...arghh I know what I'm trying to say Grin

That said, Ithink she should be putting her energies into escape plans, and not giving her horrid H any amo he could use

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 23:12

I see what you are saying, babyh

but I agree

instead of trying to find some poor bloke to have an EA with (why has nobody mentioned that she would be using some poor sap ???) she should just leave her partner

staying with someone so horrible is never to be recommended, even if you did find someone to "help" you through it ?

Original poster
livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 23:30

ok, you don't want a solution, you want us to rubber stamp you having an affair actually no - I was genuine in my original post - ie I just wondered if I was the only one considering this. I don't want your approval (and know that I'm not going to get it Grin) and I'd rather not be judged (but guess that I cannot avoid that :) ) but I did wonder if I was alone in considering this.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 23:37

your love of your job means more than your happiness? my job is the only thing making me happy at the moment - maybe "job" is giving the wrong idea - I would gladly do it for nothing Grin

trying to find some poor bloke to have an EA with but he'd know the situation.

He won't let her have friendships
But she could have an affair

as bh said - I can only form proper relationships if I keep them a secret. Anyone that I try to form a friendship with thinks that I'm being off or wierd when I do not return texts or can't help out if they ask me to/see them at weekends/put teh phone down half way through a call etc etc. It is very hard to be friends with someone

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 23:41

I don't understand why you are prioritising this awful relationship ahead of a normal life

You are so matter of fact... "I can only form relationships if I keep them secret"

Are you so brainwashed this is now your normal ?

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 23:43

LOTE...do you seriously think some bloke would strike a relationship with you under these circumstanes ?

You do realise don't you, that the sort of men who would do that, are not the sort of ones you should be interacting with at all

HerScaryness · 24/10/2011 23:43

You are not being judged, but your thinking is skewed.

You are in a supposed abusive relationship, you need to deal with that first and foremost.

You want an affair so that you can carry on in the abusive relationship, which perpetuates your own children being directly abused too btw.

This is a sexual version of Anit-depressants/Tranquillisers. Medication to enable you to Shut Up and Get On With It, but in this case you want to 'use' another person, a bloke.

You don't have female friends, your H won't let you.

Who the hell does he think he is? Sort HIM out, or KICK him out, or better yet, get yourself down to the CAB and find out what help you can get in the way of benefits etc. You may be pleasantly surprised.

So if you do find a magic bloke to offload to, what happens when you go back home? what will make your X more bearable? NOTHING.

In fact, the minute you find a willing fuck-buddy, the more you will resent your abusive H. He'll spot it from a mile off too.

Slow down love. Your happy day will come, but not until you free yourself and your DC from his abuse.

AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 23:44

Or do you have someone lined up already ?

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts · 24/10/2011 23:44

Well if he's not interested in you at all and doesn't want to listen when you try to talk to him then fuck him! I say go for it.

trulyscrumptious43 · 24/10/2011 23:45

No you not alone. Definitely not. I can't believe that I'm the first person to say this either (unless I've missed something).
And if some window shopping is going to help to spur you on into making a life change that is good for you, then good for you. You go, girl.

Hope you don't mind me giving you my example:
I was in a really desperately unhappy relationship with DS's father. I think he actually wanted me to leave but I couldn't do it. It went on for years with him making me feel worthless. One weekend I picked myself up and went to a friend's party. There was a man there who flirted with me - I was amazed that anyone would even look at me. I ended up snogging him.
I went home, and I felt like my life had flipped over. It gave me the guts to leave DP. I left that week. I saw the snog man once again and that was the only time. It didn't matter; I had realised that I did have some value after all.
DP wasn't in the slightest bothered and later on I found he's been having an affair or two locally anyway.

I think it depends how strong you are feeling as to whether you can just up sticks and go. Sometimes you need to feel that you have something to hold onto in the next stage, I know that. It is sometimes just a concept (like, 'someone else actually likes me').

HerScaryness · 24/10/2011 23:45

Keep talking to us OP, you need to read more normal, your version of life is totally OFF at the moment.

Don't worry, we have all been there. Your Normal is not normal to others.
We can help you find Normal normal! Grin

off load to us? please?

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts · 24/10/2011 23:46

Ok, haven't read whole thread, whos being abused? If he's abusing the dc then leave, if not then do as you like.

ripitupandstartagain · 24/10/2011 23:46

By the sound of it your oh is very controlling and just think what would happen if he found out Confused

trulyscrumptious43 · 24/10/2011 23:47

Sorry, other people have said go for it while I was typing.

Charbon · 25/10/2011 00:10

A decent man who actually cared for your wellbeing wouldn't get involved with you. He would realise that having an affair of any sort with an abused women would give her abuser substantially more ammunition to use against her. The only sort of man who would engage with you under these circumstances would be a man who also had a lot to lose if it was discovered i.e. was in a relationship himself.

You haven't responded to any of the suggestions about night-time childcare and so it seems that something else is stopping you from leaving this terrible relationship - despite the impact it must be having on your children, as well as you.

Having an affair like you suggest will mean your children's situation will get worse, not better. Your attention will be distracted all the time and when it all ends, you'll be an absolute mess.

Regarding female friendships, I don't understand what's stopping you from confiding in people about the state of your marriage and why you feel you can't behave normally. If it means you pursue friendships secretly with people who are in the know about your situation, then that would be so much healthier than an affair.

Original poster
livingonthedge · 25/10/2011 00:50

Regarding female friendships, I don't understand what's stopping you from confiding in people about the state of your marriage I have tried but either people do not want to know or don't believe it - probably a mixture of both. oh comes across as very charming, very polite, very good conversationalist etc. Very middle class. Not at all "the type" and most of what he does is very subtle. He does not actively prevent me from doing much - just makes life hell if I do.

If it means you pursue friendships secretly with people who are in the know about your situation people (most people) just aren't like that - not that bothered (not about me any way :) ). They want someone who is fun to go out with, not someone who moans about their relationship all the time. I have couple of friends who are also is pretty bad relationships (one is gettgin divorced) but they tend to want to talk about how rough life is for them, not listen to me. I guess that is why I'm here Grin

I tried to talk to oh just now - I asked him how he felt and said that I felt miserable and explained that the thing that was really getting to me was the thought that no one woudld ever make me a cup of coffee, or pour me a glass of wine - that I would always have to do that for myself (as oh would never do that sort of thing). The end result of the conversation was my agreeing to cook something different as my standard "easy" meal as he didn't like what we were having this evening. I then though about that and pointed it out - the fact that he had twisted the conversation from my saying "I'm unhappy because you never make me a drink or open a bottle of wine" to his complaining that one of the meals that I cook wasn't something that he particularly liked but he could not see anything wrong with this.

OP posts:
LittleHouseofHorror · 25/10/2011 01:42

LOTE have you read any of the links on the Support Thread for those in Abusive Relationships? You are living with a mind bender. It's not you it is him!!

Come over and join us on the thread, or just read and lurk for a bit. You sound like light has dawned and you have realised what is going on. That is the first step towards freedom.