has anyone ever decided to look for someone else without leaving their OH?

[livingonthedge]

Am just wondering - leaving oh does not seem possible at present (please do not all post saying that I should leave him as it just isn't feasible at the moment for lots of reasons but maybe one day) but I really miss having someone to talk to - am not so bothered about the physical side - I sort of want an emotional affair I guess - I just get so lonely sometimes. I just want someone to tell about my day and to confide in.

I do understand what you mean about female relationships. We moved from a quite laid back town which had a lot of like minded people in it, to a small village when DS was 1.
I was surprised to find what you say about the 'Middle class' thing was applicable. Sometimes I thought I was going insane, it was all v Stepford wives. I don't do 'Girly' nights out but it seemed that was the only kind of socialising that went on.
My support network of like minded single mums went out of the window overnight, and although I still live in the village, I don't have any girlfriends here really. It seems that if you're not married and mortgaged then all you will ever be is a curiosity.
I couldn't talk to anyone about my relationship problems as it was too far out of the 'coffee morning' safe zone. I think they saw me as a car crash and kept their distance. I was welcomed if I saw them in the pub but never got invited over anyone's threshold.
I'm sorry LOTE, I have no advice here but wanted you to know that it's not just you feeling this way. You are not a freak and don't worry if you can't conform to their world. Thank goodness for the internet, hey?

LOTE, in the cold light of day I wish I had shown you more sympathy last night and not responded purely to your title's question

Please accept my apologies

...I don't do 'Girly' nights out...

it is similar here - they really do look around one another houses and then sit talking about how they are "minging" and sit describing how unmade the beds are or how stained the carpet is :( . If not then they talk about make up and clothes and hair styles. My background is theoretical physics - not much of an overlap really

your title's question - it was probably not a brilliant title but I just felt really desparate when I typed it.

I was in a similar situation to you- and know what you mean about not being able to confide in friends. My cnut of an ex worker in the same sector as I did, and nobody would have ever believed me.

But I did fall in love with someone else- and LUCKILY because that other person was decent and fair minded he refused to 'do' anything until I had dumped my ex. It was just the impetus I needed.

It seems like you are in the end stages where you are thinking of leaving but the actual deed seems too scary so you think of more and more ridiculous ways to Make It Work.
Of course, you have to eventually realise that even if you won the lottery/ transformed into a 16 year old blonde with huge tits/ cooked like Nigella- he would NEVER be happy.

i wanted to add i so sympathise with your loneliness. i live in village where friendships wd appear to be v shallow. if you are a sahm with demanding kids , distant partner and no parents it is v tough. friends from before have busy lives and honestly you are busy too. i think some of these seemingly shallow folks feel like you - it is just that as you all live in same place no one wants to rock the boat. church/chapel cd help - Godly people...

OP, it seems to me this is what you have said:

• You are lonely and isolated

• ?Last time I tried to talk to him about how I felt he just said "okay say what you want to say and then shut the door on your way out [of the living room??

• I really, really love my job which involves working nights and I cannot see how to do this without oh looking after the children. Leaving him would mean that I would have to move

• he is uninterested in anything I do"

• You can only have friends secretly.... if you have friends openly, you cant see them , and you need to put down the phone if he comes in? He ?makes it impossible for me to do these things.?

• If you see people, he ?he wants to know what they have said etc and then rips it all apart (ie the usual "they are not good enough for you because..." and "they do not like you because), I know that it is seemingly easy to ignore this but the drip drip nature really gets to me?

Are you saying that he will not let you speak with friends or that he criticises the friends you do make, and is generally unsupportive? They are not the same thing, and you need to be clear about this. The latter is horrible anyway, but the former is a worse layer, it seems to me.

Why would you put down the phone if he walks in, or not accept invitations/agree to help friends out, simply because he doesn?t like it? Are you afraid of him? He wont ?let? you see them? Really, if things are this bad, another man is the least of your problems.

I am sure that I am not the only woman here who has delayed getting out of a past/current relationship because of the ?story? we tell ourselves, when we are afraid of the future in some way. Eg ?he wont let....?, or ?I cant, because...?.

Is this a possibility with you?

If you left him (and I can see from what you say that you think it is over with him), the practical matters really can be sorted out, some way or another. Childcare/aupairs can help (mine became a good friend, actually), child maintenance has to be paid, etc etc. What else might be holding you back?

Have you considered, OP, that while currently the job is the only thing keeping you sane - if you broke up with your oh, you wouldn't be in an insane-making situation?

Don't let the job which you feel is your life-saver actually be your trap.

I feel for you, OP. It's soul-destroying when your partner is dismissive as in your example - okay, say what you want to say, and then close the door on your way out.

My ex would wave me away as if he was dismissing me in a derogatory way when I tried to speak to him.

Are you saying that he will not let you speak with friends or that he criticizes the friends you do make, and is generally unsupportive?

It varies (which is part of the problem [grins]). He can be very verbally abusive (lots of shouting you fcking btch" at me etc) when he loses it and things like texting a friend can set him off so I don't like doing it in case he loses it. I can e-mail (as he thinks that I am working ). He "allows" [his word] me to see friends, especially during the day; but this then (in his mind) absolves him from any responsibility for any house work (so if I ask him to help with xxx I get "why should I do xxx when you are swanning around with your mates all day" similarly if something around the house that he thinks needs doing by me isn't done. He also gives me an interested-sounding (ie not aggresive) interrigation when I get back as to who said what and then goes on about how they are not good enough for me/none o fthem like me etc when I get back (gettign cross that I'm "sulky" if I do not tell him). So it ends up almost more hassle than it's worth.

Why would you put down the phone if he walks in, or not accept invitations/agree to help friends out because it often involves him. He works from home but doing a job which involves accasional visits to clients with occasional nights away. Last time I baby sat for a frined I ended up having to take all my kids with me as he was "unavoidably called away" - with the phone some crisis will develop - whoever your talking to tends to say "oh bye now" when they can hear your oh shoutign in the background etc etc. So he doesn't rip the phone away or lock me in - just makes my life miserable if he doesn't get his way.

he sounds awful, truly awful..

livingontheedge, you need to leave him. it is THAT simple.

Living, your last post is exactly what my ex used to do. You know you'll be punished one way or another for it, so its just not worth it :(
Mine even wrote in his statement that he 'allowed' me to go out in the day ... and then if you don't go anywhere ( so have nothing to confess) you get accused of sneaking around...

So re my other points, are you sure you need to stay with him?

Are you sure you could not work out a life without him, it would be impossible?

Is there anything else in it for you, other than some childcare? If so, what might that be?

I may be wrong, but I think you are youngish- under 35? I think you are wasting your life, and that he will drag you down further, from what I am hearing you say.

Hello LOTE. You don't love him, do you? And you don't love yourself either right now I think. This bloke has shattered your self worth. You are in a difficult situation it's true.
One thing is this - you owe it to your kids not to grow up believing that this is the right way for a man to treat a woman. Their happiness must be affected by your situation, and your staying in it. Kids are resilient, but you need to put them first (sorry, I would have hated someone saying this to me during the 6 yrs I stayed with abusive dh).
If I was anywhere near you I would come round and scoop you and the kids up and try to help you get a new start.

I think you are youngish- under 35? - no - mid forties - that is part of the problem as I am concerned that if I mess up this career (which is already a career change) then I'l really struggle to get work as I'll start to hit the age discrimination barrier.

I do think that I probably need to leave him (ie I know that he will not change). It is just that I really do need to get myself established career wise first and I'd say that I'm about half way to established (after 3-4 years of trying to break into the area) and I really do not want to pull out now. I have thought about the au pair thing but I know people locally with au pairs and it is never that simple - there seem to be lot of teething problems with many (especially re driving etc).

livingonthedge, you deserve so much more than this.

When are you going to run out of excuses not to leave him now?

You will never achieve the goal of having done 'this and that' so now is the right time to leave. I'm sorry but it's true.
This the equivalent of cleaning out he cupboard under the sink and rearranging your cutlery drawer before you can start your homework (that's what I do anyway).
Also you are using the excuse of sticking around to collect the dubious support this bloke gives you in the childcare dept. Well he is never going to come up to scratch, certainly not enough to launch you into your desired career trajectory.

If you look at your situation I think you'll find that you are already doing the lion's share (without his support). Believe me, living without a man isn't really that hard. I did it and I thought I never could.

Start visualising your new home without him (don't worry about visualising a new lover for now, time for that later). Start making tiny plans for your new life - like a cushion you have seen or a meal you might cook for just you and the kids. Keep your little secrets safe just for you and give yourself something to look forward to.

You will never achieve the goal of having done 'this and that' so now is the right time to leave

One of the hardest things of all which you have to do is admit that you were wrong. We hate the reality of our actions sometimes, and you need to admit to yourself that the decision to be with him this long may have been flawed for a while.
It's never going to feel like the right time while you procrastinate and fall back on 'reasons'. But I know that posters here and lots of people on MN will be here for you while you get the strength together.
This is your network, maybe it's the best it's going to get, but it's better than nothing.

you have zero support network because he destroyed it

but now you have us

I find it so, so sad when women come to the realisation that they have wasted X number of years with an abusive partner

and their only solution to that is to waste even more

yes...you made a mistake

X number of years with him is on the past and not under your control now

X years+1 day is under your control

really, it is...if you wanted it enough

LOTH.

I recently ended a 10 year relationship.

I kick myself daily for having spent as long as I did, when the signs were all there. I knew what was going on at the beginning, but was determined to pass his tests and win.

Please don't do as I did. The regret only grows, not diminishes.

You have US as your support, gradually we will help you find more RL support. You will never be alone again.

MN is 24 hours, 365 days a year. It has no time zones. this is the best friend you will ever have, never to late to ask a question, and usually someone about day or night to hold your hand.

AF...

a mistake?

erm, I don't actually think so. Believe me, I know where you are coming from, I have wailed the same on many occasions.

BUT... both the DV group I attend, the Freedom Programme and actually the WA help line have ALL told me that this was not about me. It would have happened to anyone he involved himself with.

HE chose to do what he did, we were conditioned into accepting it. groomed, manipulated, persuaded, headfucked, but did we consciously set out to make a mistake? No.

There is blame. It's ALL on him.

Read Lundy Bancroft.