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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyone ever decided to look for someone else without leaving their OH?

83 replies

livingonthedge · 24/10/2011 21:21

Am just wondering - leaving oh does not seem possible at present (please do not all post saying that I should leave him as it just isn't feasible at the moment for lots of reasons but maybe one day) but I really miss having someone to talk to - am not so bothered about the physical side - I sort of want an emotional affair I guess - I just get so lonely sometimes. I just want someone to tell about my day and to confide in.

OP posts:
turquoisetumble · 26/10/2011 01:51

OP - I hear you loud and clear. I'm married to an emotionally abusive man. I have an exit strategy in place (for September), but until then, I have to (have chosen to) keep living the false life. I would also love for a wonderful man to come into my life and experience closeness, intimacy and fabulous sex. But we are both old enough to know that Prince Charming doesn't exist, aren't we?

Ultimately, you need to leave this man. You need to put yourself first and decide once and for all that your happiness is more important than a house or a job or a sham marriage that gives a bad template to your kids. Get a strategy in place as to how you can do this, when can you leave, what do you need to know first? It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but there does have to be a deadline. Do you want to wake up at 65/75/85 thinking, that was it? My life wasted?

I am interested in your 'lack' of friends. It seems to me that you have lots of opportunities to make friends/find allies, but you don't tell them the truth. Sometimes, people need to know about our weaknesses to really like us. You are probably so used to portraying a false front in you marriage that you no longer know how to be genuine, and other people will pick up on this. Find someone you really like and tell her the truth. You are not giving friends a chance and playing his game. He's keeping you isolated this way.

AnyPhantomFucker · 26/10/2011 09:56

Scary, yes you are right

What I was tring to drive home was the point that just because someone feels she has invested so much in to a relationship for X number of years, that they have to carry on to somehow make it "right"

bellsring · 26/10/2011 10:21

HerScaryness - did you really know at the time all the signs that were present in the beginning of your ten year relationship? I didn't. And then, by the time I'd worked them out, I was a very damaged person.

bellsring · 26/10/2011 11:03

OP, the effects of being in your relationship are impacting on how you relate with other people socially; this, as another poster has said, will isolate you.

BertieBotts · 26/10/2011 11:10

Thing is, even if you did have an affair, you'd probably find out after some time that he turns out to not be a very nice or trustworthy partner. Because nice guys tend to run a mile if you're already in a relationship.

On the subject of the wasting time/trying to make the enormous amount of effort you've already expended worth it, see this and also this.

AnyPhantomFucker · 26/10/2011 11:16

BB, I like that site

banana87 · 26/10/2011 11:26

I have a friend in a similar situation so I can completely see things from your POV, OP.

In the end it was better for her to have the emotional affair, and at least now she is happy. Do what you need to do. I wouldn't intentionally go out seeking an affair, but be open to any potential opportunities that arise.

singleandhappy · 26/10/2011 19:16

I did want an emotional affair to get out of my marriage. I wished for it really, Blush it was about 6 months after the discovery of my XH's affair. I didn't go looking but it did come along via bloody facebook. An old school friend.....he was a terrible manipulator and married Sad and someone I would never have got involved with if I hadn't been coping with so much crap. He relentlessly persued me (after discovering I was in an unhappy marriage) and I gave in, being a weak, unhappy specimen I was back then. I think I actually wanted my XH to stop the affair to validate me in some way. I totally accept I was responsible for all my actions, but it all ended horribly and it turns out he was looking for his exit affair. Neither he or I were in any place to start a new relationship and I still have terrible regrets.

Thankfully it was the right decision to get out of my marriage and I am now happy in a brand new relationship 2 years later. I am still actually at times grieving my marriage though (and dealing with many issues around the emotional afffair), so it is a rocky ride for my new partner at times (I still have contact with my XH due to DC's).

I am saying really that it sometimes does feel like the only way out, but I wholeheartedly wish I had had teh strength to leave without the involvement of anyone else.

Please look for ways to find the strength inside you...... .xxx

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