Relationship totally broken since baby 11 months ago- LONG, sorry.

[misskalse]

Hi
I am completely new to this whole forum thing but I need some advice.

I gave birth to my first baby 11 months ago and for the first 3 weeks or so my partner was great, helping out etc with cooking and cleaning etc whilst I breastfed our baby and tried to get over a 32 labour. Feeling extremely tired and hormonal and sore and dealing with a baby who cried all of the time I asked my partner to sleep in the spare room as it seemed silly for us both to be tired (and also, whilst I was pregnant, I read an article in The Times written by a new dad saying it was a good idea to sleep in separate rooms for awhile so that way one person is not exhausted and can do chores etc). So partner went into the other room and I could concentrate on feeding the baby in the night without wanting to punch my partner for either being sleep next to me or ending up niggling in the middle of the night.

10 months later and we are still in separate rooms and barely talk. Basically since he has been in the spare room he has totally given up helping me in any way. He has his own business and was working from home for 8 months (I asked him to get an office as it's not healthy for a relationship to be in eachothers pockets night and day). I became so fed up with him being at home day and night (he has no social life so never goes out) that I said if he didn't get an office then I would have to leave. During those early months I was exhausted and hormonal and very moody with him for not helping so turned into a bit of cow.

To cut a long story short, I have basically spent the last 11 months looking after the baby single handedly AND cooking, cleaning, washing, food shopping, with no help from him and I am SO resentful towards him that I can barely be in the same room as him. Before I had the baby he would cook far more often then me, he was super clean (he has mild OCD) but since the baby has been born he has stopped all that. I asked him if he was punishing me for him being in the spare room and he said yes. On top of this since having a baby I have been diagnosed with an overactive thyroid which has made me extrememly tired

I have tried many times to talk to him about why he does nothing etc...I have tried in a calm way and also in a frustrated horrible angry way...both get the same response. He says (nastily) that as he goes to work that he shouldn't have to work and do things around the house. All he goes on about his how hard he works, how tired he is, why the hell should he have to work and do everything in the house (all I have asked is for washing up to be done)......

As I am not working ( I used to temp but then fell pregnant), he gives me money for the food shopping each month and £40 per week for me to spend on myself (coffee with other mums etc). Last month we realised we could get child tax credit. That money goes to me and he hates that. thinks it should go to him for the mortgage and bills. I have explained that it is for the baby. He now says that from next month he is going to stop giving me money for myself. Therefore the money I get for the baby is the money for me. Now surely this is wrong. I cook, clean, wash, look after the baby and he is going to give me nothing? I don't want to take money that is meant for my baby to use for myself.

I am 38 years old, have been with my partner for 5 years (but broken up many times) and feel utterly utterly trapped and confused and have never felt so resentful in my life. I had a wonderful childhood and come from a very happy middle class family and I want that for my daughter. But, I cannot continue being this unhappy in what is effectively no longer a relationship. Just two people with a baby who barely speak. I am so scared of the future for my beautiful daughter as I can't get a job at the moment as I am looking after her and I don't want to be a single mother on benefits. I want to be able to provide for her. I know for my own happiness I should leave as I just don't love him anymore due to so much resentment and all the hurtful things that have been said.... but I don't want to hurt my partner by taking his daughter away from him (although I would hope he would be an active father if we were to split) and I don't want to hurt my daughter.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Any other stay at home mums who could let me know what they are expected to do, if their partners help, if their partners give them money for themselves etc? All my friends with babies have good careers etc so I don't know what is normal. But this just doesn't feel normal to me.

Thanks so much

I can't understand the number of people who just say leave him. Relationships are just thrown away without trying to save them. There is a child involved. BTW I am not just saying stay and put up with whatever. BUT the first year after having a baby is very very hard and you shouldn't underestimate this. The op admits she has been a cow at times etc (I can understand why I can be one too) we are only seeing one side, maybe he is feeling resentful and unhappy too and saying things he doesn't mean etc. It is such a vicious self perpetuating cycle. Ps I did not suggest sex until YOU wanted to OP

Whatsyourexcuse, the OP has admitted that she does not love him. Do you think it's salvagable? This is a genuine questions, by the way.

"And please dont live your life according to articles in the newspapers or parenting guru books. Talk to your dh."

Could not agree with that more!

I also am not suggesting you jump in to bed to make things better but I really don't understand why he is not allowed in his own bed.

It sounds like things have completely broken down between you and the whole thing has descended into a battle about who gets to sleep where, who has to do what. From what you say it sounds like he is capable of being a proper partner to you, as he did that for the first few weeks but then something went wrong. Does he feel shoved out? Why is he "punishing" you for asking him to sleep in the spare room?

I'd have the hump if I was made the sleep in the spare room, too

On a practical note re houserunning, why not write down everything that needs to be done daily, weekly, monthly whatever. Put down what you can manage and ask him to pick what he can do. If you fancy being anal put down how long each takes and maybe whether its possible to do these when you have a baby to look after (hoovering for example cant be done here unless DD is in bed as she's terrified of the noise). The aim of this is for him to see in black and white what it takes to run a home. If there is too much you can decide things don't get done or get a cleaner.

When you are at home the houserunning side of thing increases substantially versus when you both working (as you are at home making mess and babies are very messy) but I think a lot of dads think it stays the same and therefore think SAHMs are unreasonable as they can't manage a 5 min whip round the house every day.

My DH is a SAHD. I work. But - we are a team. Whatever I earn is our money, I wouldn't dream of giving him an 'allowance' how demeaning is that?

You are looking after the baby. HIS baby!

Couldn't agree more melted!!!

Yes some of his behaviour is controlling, but so is yours! Resentment in any relationship is not healthy and can make people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't. You both sound resentful but I feel people on this thread are forgotting that his reasons are just as valid as yours.

I too believe this CTC money should go to him, purely because he manages the money and by the sounds of it all the bills etc so surely that money should go towards your joint out-goings. He gives you money for food plus extra for your coffee morning etc, he pays for everything else so I can't understand why you wouldn't give him that money towards the running of your home??

Don't get me wrong I'm not excusing his bad attitude and lack of willingness to help out but i think he is just crying out to be heard and to feel part of his family. I think your actions have made him feel like a spare part.

I would try relationship counselling.

Also, I often make DH sleep in the spare room - if the kids have been disruptive at night its better that one of us gets a full nights sleep to function the next day. I wish I could sleep in the spare room!

Sooty that is so true!

If she doesn't love him why is she asking for advice on a website to make things better?. Only she knows whether it's worth saving and I think that's their decision alone. Relationships are so complicated I don't understand how people can just post and say leave him when they have just read a few paragraphs of how someone is feeling that day. I posted a couple of months ago because I was feeling so resentful and unhappy and got a barrage of leave him leave him, my dh was also feeling unhappy and we could easily have broken up what is essentially a good relationship. I am not against divorce (my parents are and my childhood was all the better for it) BUT you owe it to yourselves and the child to make it better if at all possible.

whatsyourexcuse I agree with your post... The same happened with me & my DH.
Found the root of the problem...solutions & we saved a good relationship.
It can be done if you want it to work.
But if you are deeply unhappy then other options need to be looked at.

Just read what Olivia said regarding money. All money should be joint, the allowance thing is a bit daft TBH if your both aware of the money going in, the amount it takes to run the home for dd etc then any left over should be joint with perhaps a separate account for savings.

Where does it say that he didn't want to go into the spare room? I appreciate he obviously wasn't happy at some later stage as he admitted "punishing" her etc, but why the hell didn't he make it clear at the time? Like I say he's not a child.

I agree it sounds like it may not be salvagable on both sides, but I just cannot see that she is being unreasonable about money? She has also tried many times to talk to him about this situation.

I read it that he is using her around the house, attempting to control her financially etc . I can't bloody stand people who think that being at home with a baby is an easy ride compared with going out to work and therefore the SAHP should do all the shit at home whilst caring for a child too. But maybe I'm projecting [hgrin]

I ended up sleeping on the sofa after dd was born. combination of one of us getting some sleep ( I was working 10 / 11 hour days + commute) and some snoring on my part. We never went back to co-sleeping.

Basically it resulted in the affection and intimacy between me and ( now ) XP being eroded. No cuddling up in bed, no intimate chats and joking with our heads on the pillow. Created a rift that we never recovered from. XP grew resentful and became critical of almost everything I did.

Certainly there were other problems, but I think sleeping together on a regular frequent basis is fairly key. One tends to be more conciliatory to the other when close. And vis-a-versa.

I did the same hours as your DH, Lala. I did a half-hour to an hour of houseworking during the week and more at weekends, as well as DH having a Sat. lie in (I had Sunday) and each of us having an afternoon or evening 'off'.

When I was single and working those hours, I still had to source my own food and meals, make sure my own clothes were washed, tidy my flat. Why should it all of the sudden be his job because he stays home looking after our child? He didn't become my maid just because I worked.

It's not being a maid for goodness sake. It's doing a fair share of family things.

We slept separately, too, often. He slept with DD1 whilst I slept in the spare bedroom. We'd then trade off, because we are both snappiest when we've had poor sleep. Swings and roundabouts. As adults, we both realised it wasn't forever, eventually, they sleep all night.

And like Olivia, everything we earn is joint. Still is.

The CTC goes to the primary caregiver. They ask about this on the form.

It's not being a maid for goodness sake. It's doing a fair share of family things.

Which he's not.

Sadly, though, this is something you should have discussed long before you got pregnant.

DH and I were always on the same page that we didn't believe in separate money as a married couple or family, that housework and the like are part of life and so there needs to be fair trade in this, flexibility, communication.

We talked a lot before TTC, who'd be doing what, what sex might be like, how long to co-sleep, work and money, long-term plans, etc.

agree with your last post Sansa.

which I should add is their fault, not hers

I dont think the co sleeping thing is necessarily as clear cut as mr Gin suggests..not wanting to share such an intimate and private time as sleeping can be a symptom or a cause of lack of intimacy generally.

Then again not getting enough sleep makes you feel rotten, what are you supposed to do if for whatever reason you're just dont sleep well when sharing?

I think the co-sleeping thing depends on the person. Like MrGin, I would feel neglected and separated from a H if I did not sleep beside him. Perhaps OP's P is one of these people.

Again, cecil, it needs to be something discussed and worked out long before you marry or procreate.

And it can change.

My parents, for example, have been married nearly 50 years, quite happily.

They have a very large bed now, too.

However, he used to snore dreadfully. She has COPD, and so often has unsettled sleep to begin with. Her fitfulness disturbed him, his snoring did, too.

Until they were both treated appropriately, they slept separately with each other's full agreement.

It's swings and roundabouts but the key part is discussing it and communicating rationally beforehand.

I would not have married DH and procreated with him had we had vastly dissimilar ideas about money, parenting and family life.