So I facebooked the OW..warning, long!!

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

Namechange here.

To summarise, I discovered for certain that my 'd'p was cheating on me while pregnant about a year ago. it confirmed suspicions that I'd had for a long time but never really allowed myself to believe. I stayed, on the basis that we had counselling, was quite unsure what I wanted to do, the fact I was pregnant and had a 1 yr old DS. I thought I'd give myself some time to decide what to do and to be in a good position to do it. Also because I didnt really have an easy place to go to with a child and pregnant....

So fast forward a year. The counselling really didnt work and he continued to see the OW, which I discovered mid way through. The baby was born, he lost his job and now I am working full time. He is still seeing the OW but apparently now 'just as friends', which I think is actually possible because I do tend to feel it when he's straying but on the other hand i'm not totally sure.

We put our flat on the market for various reasons so I have told myself I am going to wait for an offer that we accept; before I jump/ finally decide. Because, although he is being incredibly sweet at the moment, I just can"t trust him. He has never really committed to stop lying to me and indeed he has password blocked phones and computers. He has this thing where he thinks that if lying will prevent hurt, he will do it.

In the meantime, I also facebooked the OW (blush) because I don't believe the 'just friends' thing. Was not a mean message, just asking for clarification really. But probably not my finest hour and she didnt reply. so now I am in a situation where I wonder whether to send it to her email (in case she doesnt check facebook) or to just leave it well alone.

I just tried to tackle some of these issues with 'd'p - ie not comfortable with him still seeing hte OW, the lying - but he shut me down (on the basis that we were in a cafe). He then is immediately incredibly sweet and pretending that we didnt just open a tin of worms. And then going on about what house we can buy..

So I am incredibly ambivalent about staying (reasons to include of course the DCs and the fact we do mainly have a very nice life together), and in some ways actively planning to go, and there he is planning for the future. I feel like I'm living a lie but on the other hand if I show my hand too soon I feel like he might then be very awkward and it could affect the sale of the flat, the DCs etc. And frankly a couple more months could be good because the baby is only 9 months and very attached to me... argh!! what to do??

Thanks Imjustaman, but indeed things have since moved on, and I'm moving on..

Next question - what should I know/ expect about this kind of breakup.??? ie with babies/ me leaving/ STBXP in total denial that he ever did anything wrong

maybe deserves its own thread...

sorry *imjustabloke

hello there, OP

I am very relieved (for you) that you pushed through with your plans to extricate yourself

A new thread may be in order, so you can have a title that includes your current thought processes

Or post on the Lone parents board ?

evidence - you need some or he will more than likely deny it and can actually refuse a petition to divorce if you cite infidelity as the reason.

quick note as well - afaik ... you can only cite infidelity as a reason for divorce if you have evidence (or it if it is uncontested) and it has to have happened in the past 6 months. After 6 months it is deemed 'forgiven' ;-(

Be very careful as well that he doesn't suddenly want half the sale of your flat along with 50-50 on your DC. I would expect most judges to give just visiting rights (alternate weekends) to him, unless there's some history of you having issues or a criminal record.

If you can talk to him rationaly, men usually like logic.
Get out a pen and paper with him and, one last time, try to make it work.

...solicitors are expensive

she doesn't want to try to make it work, ImJustABloke

and this man isn't rational, unless it involves him getting all his own way (or permission to carry on cheating on his wife, perhaps...)

try to make it work in relation to visitation rights, money, etc
(i.e. the splitup)

She's not married ImJustABloke

Good luck OP, handholding here if needed, it sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing wrt yourself and the children.

I do in fact have evidence ;-) But in any case, not married, so that's not an issue. We legally have 50 - 50 on the flat so that's the way it will go when it's sold.

Having an argh moment though, it was all going so calmly but this morning STBXDP comes in the kitchen looking rough Then goes and sits on the sofa in the dark. I didn't comfort him but asked if OK, to which he didnt reply, and got a sad text message at work now about how I dont care, turns out he was crying all night, and should have given him a hug.

I guess we have reached the guilt trip phase....

And by the way in his opinion it's all my fault that we're breaking up, because he has tried to be incredibly sweet to me for months and if I'd just tried just a little bit..blah blah. No understanding that if there is no trust and no engagement from his end to change regarding lying/ cheating etc, then he can be as sweet as he likes, it wont change anything.

Anyway it's all too late, my feelings have changed, through constantly being trampled on.

my, he is really outrageous. good for you, op.

thanks tantepiste. Unfortunately I think he is also actually deluded, ie he has convinced himself that he is the victim. So I can't actually be bothered to argue about it anymore, I am trying to disengage..

Argh, need to vent a bit.

It's all getting a bit much, I am exhausted and a bit coldy and STBXP keeps getting upset in the middle of the night and coming into my room for reassurance. (sounds like a toddler). Last night he was pretty drunk and up for it and it was a nightmare kicking him out.

This morning he keeps asking for a quicky!!! And as I'm at work is difficult to really email him to f**k the hell off. The faster I move out the better I think.

In addition, I have the feeling that he's trying to play me, ie he doesnt want any external advice on eg child sharing/ sorting out the flat we still own. And then he has these hyper rational moments where we discuss everything very calmly.

Just so tiring...

And now i just had to pop home for something and he's all over me, telling me that we had something good, why ruin it etc, he obviously is NOT ACCEPTING THAT IT'S OVER!

Feeling very insecure about everything right now. All of a sudden he wants to talk and be honest about stuff that happened a long time ago. Something I've been asking for for a long time. But also feeling that I don't want to hear it. And he says I'm ruining the life of my children and that I should just try....but what I also feel is that he's trying everything to make me stay. If sweetness won't work it's threats. And finally the promise of full disclosure...and if that doesn't work it's pity because he's ill.

too little too late ?

how pathetic he is being, no wonder you have lost all respect for him

oh, and tell him to stop assaulting you, or you will call the police

Chuck him out and preserve your self-respect, girl! Seems like a complete tosser! Good luck!

I would suspect that this sudden attitude shift was because the OW had dumped him (or he her).

He had an affair while you were pregnant, continued while you had counselling, refused to cut contact - and the break up is your fault? The man is deluded.

Full disclosure - clearly he thinks this is some kind of glittering golden chalice, rather than the basic bare minimum required at the outset. As if you could believe him anyway.

The sexual harassment and disturbing your sleep are not because he loves you - it's an effort to exert control now that you are doing such a good job of breaking free.

I would also suspect OW doesn't want him full time. Or maybe costs/ logistics of a separation are starting to hit home.

Don't cave now, you've come so far !

What an awful man. I think that you should go ASAP. Regarding shared care- he is expressing and demonstrating rather worrying behaviour- up crying, mood swings, what does he mean 'hes ill'? If he pleads mental instability, surely he cannot commit to soley caring for dc for any length of time? not that I believe his claims- he sounds very manipulative.
It is not your fault that this partnership didn't work. How dare he absolve himself of blame! Whats more, it is not hurting the dc to split, it is removing them from a poisonous family life where they have resentful and mistrusting parents as their role models.

Thanks for the pep talk MNERs!! Very helpful.

Am steeling myself and getting everything in order.

inertia you are right about the financial aspect, he is going to be very badly off I think.. (another thing for me to feel guilty about...but am telling myself it's not my fault he's failed to get another job.. )

pregnantpause he's ill refers not to mental illness, but to a chronic condition he has. Currently doesn't have too big an impact on him but it might in the future, so obviously he's terrified about this (and another reason he doesn't want me to leave).

You need to get your head out of the sand. He cheated while you were pg, he continued to cheat while you were in counselling and now he is friends with the woman he cheated on you with and has password protected everything?

If my DH cheated, I don't think I would be able to forgive him, but for me to even try he would have to cut all contact with the OW even if that meant changing jobs AND be totally open with passwords for emails and phones and be willing to take part in random checks and to explain himself if I felt usure about something, at leats at the start.

In short I would be laying down the conditions which he could accept or leave.

Are you afraid of being on your own OP, because really you deserve better than you have in him.

ok, should read more than one page before posting. Good for you in deciding to leave

well i just thought I should let you know that I moved.. it's done! things going ok; XP is behaving ok; we're not fighting in front of the children and he's helped them transition.. right now I'm feeling quite relieved but also knackered, so it's all a bit unreal. I guess it'll hit me one of these days! On the other hand; its somehow a lot less upsetting than I thought it would be, I obviously separated myself successfully emotionally some time ago...

hello, OP

thanks for the update

you did good, well done for gettig away but more importanlty staying away

Oh well done . I'm glad you're out of there.