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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I facebooked the OW..warning, long!!

128 replies

ithinkineedtogrowapair · 19/10/2011 14:27

Namechange here.

To summarise, I discovered for certain that my 'd'p was cheating on me while pregnant about a year ago. it confirmed suspicions that I'd had for a long time but never really allowed myself to believe. I stayed, on the basis that we had counselling, was quite unsure what I wanted to do, the fact I was pregnant and had a 1 yr old DS. I thought I'd give myself some time to decide what to do and to be in a good position to do it. Also because I didnt really have an easy place to go to with a child and pregnant....

So fast forward a year. The counselling really didnt work and he continued to see the OW, which I discovered mid way through. The baby was born, he lost his job and now I am working full time. He is still seeing the OW but apparently now 'just as friends', which I think is actually possible because I do tend to feel it when he's straying but on the other hand i'm not totally sure.

We put our flat on the market for various reasons so I have told myself I am going to wait for an offer that we accept; before I jump/ finally decide. Because, although he is being incredibly sweet at the moment, I just can"t trust him. He has never really committed to stop lying to me and indeed he has password blocked phones and computers. He has this thing where he thinks that if lying will prevent hurt, he will do it.

In the meantime, I also facebooked the OW (blush) because I don't believe the 'just friends' thing. Was not a mean message, just asking for clarification really. But probably not my finest hour and she didnt reply. so now I am in a situation where I wonder whether to send it to her email (in case she doesnt check facebook) or to just leave it well alone.

I just tried to tackle some of these issues with 'd'p - ie not comfortable with him still seeing hte OW, the lying - but he shut me down (on the basis that we were in a cafe). He then is immediately incredibly sweet and pretending that we didnt just open a tin of worms. And then going on about what house we can buy..

So I am incredibly ambivalent about staying (reasons to include of course the DCs and the fact we do mainly have a very nice life together), and in some ways actively planning to go, and there he is planning for the future. I feel like I'm living a lie but on the other hand if I show my hand too soon I feel like he might then be very awkward and it could affect the sale of the flat, the DCs etc. And frankly a couple more months could be good because the baby is only 9 months and very attached to me... argh!! what to do??

OP posts:
springydaffs · 20/10/2011 00:07

o-ho! this chappy is not as helpless as he likes to make you think. You feel sorry for him? Sweetie, he's playing you.

I wouldn't confront him all guns blazing myself. He's a slippery sort and these types can make life extremely uncomfortable, given half the chance (you would see, in all its glory, exactly how helpless he isn't). iiwy I would sneak away somehow. Do all your research, bide your time. Yes, wait for the flat to sell (PLEASE GOD), act as reasonable as reasonable can be, play along with your plan in your back pocket.

There you are, being mrs reasonable, mrs moral and kind - I bet he can hardly believe his luck. Actually, he can believe it, because he's played you and he holds great store in his powers of manipulation persuasion. he knows you're a Decent Sort and he's using that, playing it for all it's worth. It's working, for a start. And how Sad

If you could just fall out of love with him then that would be a good move. Alas, not so easy as writing it down huh. I hope something happens, somehow, in some way, that tears the veil from your eyes and you Rise Up! Take back your life! oh, I do hope so OP.

You are also vulnerable in that you are a nursing mother. It's not so easy to be boudicca (sp) when your hormones are in mummy gear. You are also in his country, which certainly gives him an unfair advantage. Bide your time girl. You sound lovely. Do what you have to do for your children if you can't do it for yourself. I'm afraid I know from bitter experience what happens to our kids if we hang around in a damaging, manipulative relationship [weep]

SolidGoldVampireBat · 20/10/2011 00:23

Springydaffs is right: it's OK for the moment to play along with Cockface and be ever so nice and reasonable as long as you understand and accept that he is a Bad person. He's not your friend. He's not going to 'wake up' and start treating you properly, fairly, kiindly. Because there's only room in his life for his needs. So make your plans, step by step, it sounds like you have some good possibilities in place anyway. Make sure you have all the necessary information about your legal position. Document and log anything bad he does in case you need it later (eg taking sums of money out of joint accounts, violence etc - unfortunately breaches of monogamy don't count in court actions). But all the time remember, this is your enemy, a person who is quite happy to hurt your feelings in the pursuit of his own wishes. Then when you are ready, dump him and enjoy your life.

PattyPenguin · 20/10/2011 06:34

Trouble is, if Ithink dumps her cheating man, I imagine it will be difficult for her to enjoy her life when she has to be without her (very young) children half the time.

The poor girl is going to be hurt whatever she decides to do. The bloke is such a shit for doing this to the woman who loved him and to his kids.

I really do feel for you, Ithink.

ShowerGel · 20/10/2011 21:59

I wasn't suggesting that you sit it out. I just recognized some of the traits in our respective partners - they just don't seem to acknowledge that they are hurting us because they can only see their point of view. You have your children to consider and they need a stable environment not one where you are twitched about whether he is going to be with you or with the OW.

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 23:21

A "stable" environment is one where you make the decisions

Not one where you passively sit by waiting for him to make his mind up

What a fucking awful example to show your children that would be

ChocHobNob · 21/10/2011 09:43

One of the biggest steps for any recovery after an affair is for the wayward spouse to cut all contact with the other person. If they don't, the relationship cannot go forward. How can it?

If your partner really cared about mending his relationship with you, the least he could do is not to see the OW anymore.

umf · 21/10/2011 13:36

Yeah, but penguin's right, isn't she? It's a very sticky situation. The 50:50 rule looks all very progressive, but here it means the OP either has to stay with a cheating and generally difficult man, or let him have sole care of their baby and toddler half the week. I think it's understandable that she's taking her time.

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 16:41

Unless there are issues around abuse of the child with one of the parents, why is this a problem ?

he is the child's parent

he may be a shit husband, however

if I ever split from DH, I would push for 50/50

my goodness, there has to be some advantages to a wrecked relationship...having half of the week (or however it is worked out) childfree is a definite plus point

it relies on both partners being reasonable and collaborative though...that is most likely to be the sticking point

Original poster
ithinkineedtogrowapair · 21/10/2011 21:45

hello everyone.

well APF would you really feel like that about 50 50 with a 9 month old that isnt sleeping through and which you're still bf and you mainly cosleep?

I get it for the 2 yr old.. and it is a fringe benefit in some ways, especially as a working mother, but right now it just feels like she's too little.

But mind you it is getting to the stage where a month or so could make a lot of difference in terms of my comfort levels on this..going to start the sleep training eg...

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 22:31

I think the bf should be taken into account, for purely practical purposes

after that, no

they don't stay bf 9mo's for ever though, do they

Charbon · 21/10/2011 22:41

Oh this 50-50 stuff is such a smokescreen!

It's highly unlikely that he will want to spend 50% of the days and nights with a baby, but if he did and you put the breastfeeding barrier up, no-one would think that was in the slightest bit unreasonable.

I think you are putting these barriers in the way to stop yourself making a decision.

Original poster
ithinkineedtogrowapair · 21/10/2011 23:09

APF that's exactly what I'm saying! I mean a few months could make all the difference..

I kind of feel we're going in circles here, I mean I get it, I need to leave, but is it weird to not want to leave now, this second? 1st hurdle flat/ flat price?

Charbon - hmm I wouldn't be so sure to be honest. I don't think he'll settle for less and I don't think the authorities care about the BF in terms of official policy on child sharing... but it's true, I don't know for sure what he'll want and it's not a reason not to start the process...

i can get a special mumsnet kicking if I keep making excuses once we have a bit more clarity on the flat sale...

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 21/10/2011 23:17

Have you had any proper legal advice or are you going on what your dp has said?

Original poster
ithinkineedtogrowapair · 21/10/2011 23:20

I've seen a lawyer and also done a bit of internet searching on local forums (or is it fora.. ) full of mothers going 'oh no I have to let my 4 month old go 50 50 etc' etc etc

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 21/10/2011 23:21

Jeez. Sad

Charbon · 22/10/2011 00:19

On Wednesday you said it was time to see a lawyer, so you've seen one in the last 2 days? If so, good for you, but I still get the feeling that you are putting obstacles in the way that might not even exist.

I can see how a selfish git might cut his own nose off to spite his face by insisting on 50-50 contact.......that is until the reality of sleepless nights kicked in. If it ever came to that, I expect you'd find that he would be only too pleased to relinquish overnight care PDQ.

Is there still some residual hope here OP that he will come good in the end?

I do hope not.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 22/10/2011 08:40

Well I think a good family lawyer would take into account a BF baby, no?

What did your lawyer tell you?

I am still all for getting your mum to come over and stay in your falt with you till it sold. Nothing like a bit of outnumbering to shake the fucker up.

Abitwobblynow · 20/12/2011 20:15

Funnily enough I don't see cowardice I see caution and thinking things through before making a move.

Good luck w the flat sale - I think you will act then.

Unfortunately you have really chosen one to share genes with: I am reading conflict avoidant, passive aggressive, emotionally unavailable (to ALL of you, including his kids), he comes with previous..., selfish... this is not a whole human being.

Take care of you, OK? Wait till you get the money - then act.

LadyMedea · 20/12/2011 20:36

First step in recovering from an affair is him promising never to see the OW again. Period. If he won't do that, get our stuff in order then leave. You are worth more than half a man.

BayPolar · 20/12/2011 20:44

I can't believe what some women allow their partners to get away with.
Unbelievable.
I guess you don't really love him so it wasn't the deal breaker it should have been.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2011 23:18

this thread is 2 months old

although an update from the OP would be welcome

I hope she is ok

Original poster
Ithinkineedtogrowapair · 17/01/2012 20:49

Well hello again and thanks to eg AF for checking back on me!

The news is that the appartment is nearly sold (cross fingers) I have found an almost perfect place to live and we are in a) separate bedrooms and b) working out the separation details. Remarkably calmly, lets hope it lasts. In any case if it all kicks off I can leave immediately, my next home is free.

Am effing terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinkineedtogrowapair · 17/01/2012 20:50

Ps handholding may be required while I become a single mum, admittedly we'll be sharing a lot of the child care

OP posts:
ImJustABloke · 18/01/2012 12:38

ImJustABloke.... but I'd say he's still shagging her too.
If you're not over it now, chances are you might never be.
Better to cut your losses now; it gives you more time going forward

ImJustABloke · 18/01/2012 12:38

*not to say you should be over it yet, I'm just saying a year on is a long time to be unsure and doubtful, you know?

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