So I facebooked the OW..warning, long!!

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

Namechange here.

To summarise, I discovered for certain that my 'd'p was cheating on me while pregnant about a year ago. it confirmed suspicions that I'd had for a long time but never really allowed myself to believe. I stayed, on the basis that we had counselling, was quite unsure what I wanted to do, the fact I was pregnant and had a 1 yr old DS. I thought I'd give myself some time to decide what to do and to be in a good position to do it. Also because I didnt really have an easy place to go to with a child and pregnant....

So fast forward a year. The counselling really didnt work and he continued to see the OW, which I discovered mid way through. The baby was born, he lost his job and now I am working full time. He is still seeing the OW but apparently now 'just as friends', which I think is actually possible because I do tend to feel it when he's straying but on the other hand i'm not totally sure.

We put our flat on the market for various reasons so I have told myself I am going to wait for an offer that we accept; before I jump/ finally decide. Because, although he is being incredibly sweet at the moment, I just can"t trust him. He has never really committed to stop lying to me and indeed he has password blocked phones and computers. He has this thing where he thinks that if lying will prevent hurt, he will do it.

In the meantime, I also facebooked the OW (blush) because I don't believe the 'just friends' thing. Was not a mean message, just asking for clarification really. But probably not my finest hour and she didnt reply. so now I am in a situation where I wonder whether to send it to her email (in case she doesnt check facebook) or to just leave it well alone.

I just tried to tackle some of these issues with 'd'p - ie not comfortable with him still seeing hte OW, the lying - but he shut me down (on the basis that we were in a cafe). He then is immediately incredibly sweet and pretending that we didnt just open a tin of worms. And then going on about what house we can buy..

So I am incredibly ambivalent about staying (reasons to include of course the DCs and the fact we do mainly have a very nice life together), and in some ways actively planning to go, and there he is planning for the future. I feel like I'm living a lie but on the other hand if I show my hand too soon I feel like he might then be very awkward and it could affect the sale of the flat, the DCs etc. And frankly a couple more months could be good because the baby is only 9 months and very attached to me... argh!! what to do??

It's awful that you suspect he would not play fair - that shows what kind of man he really is - he has treated you appallingly and yet you know that he isn't going to do the right thing, even now.

IT's really sad the way you describe in your OP, you trying really hard to be honest and discuss some perfectly normal boundaries - and him shutting you down. That shows this is not a 'friend' - and it shows he has no respect for you - sorry, but he is just expecting you to put up with his double life and shut up - and then talking about buying a house with you! he is completely mad!

How dare he push you into staying in this situation - without being honest with you, without being open - cheating throughout your counselling! He cannot be trusted - and I'm sorry to say, but surely it's clear that his feelings for this woman are far, far beyond friendship - he was unable to stop seeing her through an attempt to save the marriage.

How dare he stop you talking about this! He is your partner and effectively he has sealed off his relationship with this woman - the ins and outs of 'friendship' versus 'sex partner' are really irrelevant - it's his other partner, whatever is happening.

He may be also biding his time and screwing you over, so I cannot understand why you would feel bad about spending a couple of months preparing your own escape plan. this man has lied and lied - you should do what you need to do now. he has shut down discussion - so get on with your own life guilt free.

Do you know what the legal situation is there, Ithink? When two people who jointly own a property separate, can one of them force the sale of the joint asset? The trouble is, if he drags his feet over the sale and refuses to move out, and you force a sale by legal means, if that's even possible, the atmosphere might be such that you couldn't stay. How easy is it to get a short-term let where you are, and how expensive are they? And if you needed to keep up payments on any loan / mortgage on the flat to retain a legal right to your share, would you be able to afford that as well as rent?

Might it be as well to obtain advice on these matters? (I'm a great believer in having a Plan B - and in fact a Plan C and so on to about K.)

and unlikely I could get a month out of work.. i only just got back from maternity leave.

I'll give the current 'possible' buyer a week and if nothing materialises I'll have to bite the bullet.....

YOu sound as if you are happy to be sharing your man with someone else.

From what I have read of your OP you aren't in love, just coasting, what kind of life is that?

OK

Relationship well and truly over.

If you cannot trust him not to shaft his partner and children, then you may as well be shacked up with Dick Fucking Turpin, Ronnie Biggs, the Chancellor of The Exchequer or (insert your own thief and blackguard)

Being scared of how he may react is the best reason on earth to finish it

What on earth is keeping you with him other than practical issues

Sort the practical issues. Women all over the world manage it. Yes, you may have to suck up a temporary drop in living standards.

Better that than living with this fucking shithead.

yy to legal advice I am also a bit concerned that you said you were "scared of how he might react", do you mean he might be violent? Or abusive, do something to the children? You need to protect yourself.

One last option-- would your mum/sister (?) come out and stay with you for a week or 2 to help you sort this mess out and give you some much needed moral support.

I would still be demanding that he moved out short term.
I would still be demanding that all passwords etc be removed.
I would still be demanding that all contact with OW is cut, or else he moves out and in with her.

Keep thinking, warrior not victim.

I wouldn't be asking him to do anything. He wil not do it.

I would be making my own plans...and he would not be in them

pattypenguin

getting a short term let might be problematic if not impossible. and honestly difficult for me to pay.

i saw a lawyer at the beginning of this story and I think it's time I went back. I can force a sale, but it would be oh so much easier to do it sneakily. i know that he would play games, and heard some horror stories about what happened with his ex (recent discovery).

OK Plan A: we accept an offer on the flat in the next week. I read the riot act and we wend our separate ways, finding rental/short term solutions. But problem would be overnight with baby... hmm.

Plan B: no offer in sight. make an agreement to lower price slightly with estate agents then read the riot act. By then I know whether my friend is up for house sharing (her deadline for decision making is end oct, she's on a separation). So either go for it with her or look for my own solution. Might try some friendly fora (incl local mumsnetters) to see if someone has a couple of bedrooms up for letting on a short term basis while I find my feet... What happens with babies in the meantime is still problematic but I guess nothing is insoluable.

Plan C: same as above but for the time before we find a buyer and the four months between the sale of the appart and the actual handing over we have some kind of system in place for baby care in the flat... kind of co-parenting. at a certain point we could perhaps do something where we sleep at a friends house when its not our baby night. It seems that people often do this in Sweden by the way, the children keep the house and the parents take turns!!

I'm scared because I know he'll play hardball to get exactly what he wants. ANd he's kind of a fantasist I reckon in that he'll have made a script in his head that doesnt go with reality. He'll either pretend it's not happening or he'll write some script where I am the evil bitch from hell.

when I ask myself why I'm with him; it's because whenever I've tried to bring up the shall we finish it conversation, he just twists it and then plays like we never had it. I know that if he had integrity he would actually deal with some of this stuff. And when i've said I'm leaving he's done the dead dog impression.

And i was taken in.. ANd somehow I'll just bounce up and forget stuff really quickly, I dont know why I do that, everything will be shit but then the sun will be out and I'll want to go and enjoy the day rather than spoil it.

And then I'll think about the fact i'll have to leave my baby overnight and nothing is as shit as that

and beyond that I do still have feelings for him. Sadly. Or at least a strong connection and if I'm really honest, we jsut have a good time and a relaxed lifestyle, which I know will change.

Anyway, thank you everyone for giving me a kick up the arse. give me a week or two to put myself in the best position possible before armageddon..

One last thing. When you see a lawyer, tell him/her what you know about the horror stories with his ex. You probably won't be able to prove anything, but forewarned is forearmed for the lawyer. He/She needs to know of any possible curve balls that might be thrown, in order to have a strategy to deal with them.

Oh! It's you! and an un-mn hug.

I think you need to get legal advice from a family law specialist straight away. Like emailing tonight for an appointment. They'll know the likely custody scenarios and help you find solutions where at the moment you're just seeing lots of problems. And btw are you still bf DC2?

But really you need to stop feeling that you have to fix this situation for everyone. All you need to worry about is you and your DCs. You're too capable and you feel too much responsibility. You've been looking after this man in all kinds of ways for years, giving him your care and understanding, explaining him to people... If you're ending it, you can stop doing that. You can feel sorry for him (too few friends, messing up with his children) but you don't have to fix his life for him.

And although I know you don't like conflict at all, you're actually entitled to be Really Angry here. Screaming "Get the fuck out of our home, I don't care if you have to sleep on your mother's doorstep" wouldn't be unreasonable. We'd all cheer.

But I can quite see why you feel it's difficult to summon the energy to do all this. Two small ones and a fulltime job would be an exhausting scenario even with a supportive DP. I really do think you'll feel better once you're rid of him, though.

oops was obviously a bit too recognisable umf.

but i guess you're the only one who'll know.

I am still bf DD which is a consideration. although tbh at 9 months it's not the end of the world if that has to end.

time for the lawyer then I guess... I'm thinking of asking work to go to 4 days as well which could help, although not necessarily financially....

Gah, hope didn't make you uncomfortable. Felt bad reading and then not saying something. Wouldn't have recognised if hadn't known all about it already.

I'd be astonished if 50:50 custody could be insisted on for a bf baby. Will have to see what the lawyer says.

4 days sounds more manageable.

Good luck. [And get that goddamn lawyer.]

I mean, even if once you've got more information you decide to stick it out for a bit longer/give it another proper try, then you'll be making an informed and positive decision, rather than just hanging on and wondering.

I think I'm married to an older version of your 'd'p, ithink-etc.
My DP had a 'friend' who he got to know during the early days of our relationship. I found a hotel receipt and he assured me that 'nothing had happened' blah, blah. We were invited to many dinners at her & her partners house. Long story short - DP and I eventually married, she, naturally did not congratulate us. DP and she worked at the same place. My DP would go around and visit her/them on a weekend but he knew I was not a happy bunny about this and so would not admit it. Her number came up as 'family and friends' on the landline. She made friends with DPs friends and also his family, which I found kind of creepy. DP would insist that she was just a friend and in time I came to believe him but I knew she had ulterior motives. Eventually she split from her partner and then found someone else. She finally blotted her copybook in DPs eyes when his mother died and she sent a condolence card to DP and his sister (who of course she was great friends with, unlike me) and omitted to include me, who had just lost a much-loved ma-in-law. Total time for this awakening - circa 12 years. His ego could not see how it affected me, even when I invited him to imagine the reverse situation - what if I was seeing a 'friend' without letting him know. I may be viewed as a doormat by some of the more feisty of you but I think I brazened it out and DP finally saw the light.
Good luck - what ever you decide.

Gosh showergel, you certainly persisted when many of us would have given up long ago

I hope your "prize" was worth clinging on to in the end

and that your self respect was not completely destroyed in the process [hsad]

btw, are you advising OP to do what you did ?

that is shit advice, if so

showergel your post made me feel really sad for you, and I know you have given us a snap shot, but really, would you tell your daughter to brazen it out for 12 years to see her DP to "see the light"?

Feel sorry for you ShowwerGel how you lasted 12 years l don't know, my self respect would have made me walk away long long before that.

Please please OP don't listen to that advice--it's shite

Does anyone else think showergel's partner will find another "special friend" to fixate on before too long, thus rendering her 12 years of "brazening it out" as somewhat of a waste of some of the best years of her life ?

So sad, so predictable [hsad]

You are recognisable - but it really doesn't matter does it?

I think you should bide your time and wait until the place has sold. Take a lower offer than you might otherwise - look at it this way, you are only taking half of the drop - so it's not so bad.

If you tell him you want to split up now, he will be a wanker over selling the place and you will be stuck there.

no worries umf, it's ok, just kind of funny having mumsnet coincide with rl for a moment there.

showergel I appreciate hearing your story. but I suspect this is a different situation, since I'm not planning to share my dp and I also have the nasty suspicion that mine will not change.

you know I honestly think that my bf wouldnt make a massive difference here, basically it's the 50 50 rule unless the parents decide something else and I dont think that DP would go for less.

argh do i know you too ChippingintothePumkinlantern???

I don't know you [hsmile]

phew.

it's not like I'm famous or anything AFF.