So I facebooked the OW..warning, long!!

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

Namechange here.

To summarise, I discovered for certain that my 'd'p was cheating on me while pregnant about a year ago. it confirmed suspicions that I'd had for a long time but never really allowed myself to believe. I stayed, on the basis that we had counselling, was quite unsure what I wanted to do, the fact I was pregnant and had a 1 yr old DS. I thought I'd give myself some time to decide what to do and to be in a good position to do it. Also because I didnt really have an easy place to go to with a child and pregnant....

So fast forward a year. The counselling really didnt work and he continued to see the OW, which I discovered mid way through. The baby was born, he lost his job and now I am working full time. He is still seeing the OW but apparently now 'just as friends', which I think is actually possible because I do tend to feel it when he's straying but on the other hand i'm not totally sure.

We put our flat on the market for various reasons so I have told myself I am going to wait for an offer that we accept; before I jump/ finally decide. Because, although he is being incredibly sweet at the moment, I just can"t trust him. He has never really committed to stop lying to me and indeed he has password blocked phones and computers. He has this thing where he thinks that if lying will prevent hurt, he will do it.

In the meantime, I also facebooked the OW (blush) because I don't believe the 'just friends' thing. Was not a mean message, just asking for clarification really. But probably not my finest hour and she didnt reply. so now I am in a situation where I wonder whether to send it to her email (in case she doesnt check facebook) or to just leave it well alone.

I just tried to tackle some of these issues with 'd'p - ie not comfortable with him still seeing hte OW, the lying - but he shut me down (on the basis that we were in a cafe). He then is immediately incredibly sweet and pretending that we didnt just open a tin of worms. And then going on about what house we can buy..

So I am incredibly ambivalent about staying (reasons to include of course the DCs and the fact we do mainly have a very nice life together), and in some ways actively planning to go, and there he is planning for the future. I feel like I'm living a lie but on the other hand if I show my hand too soon I feel like he might then be very awkward and it could affect the sale of the flat, the DCs etc. And frankly a couple more months could be good because the baby is only 9 months and very attached to me... argh!! what to do??

AF have you forgotten about mine?

Seriously, this sounds to me as if you are fairy certain you don't want him any more but are worried about the logistics. If money were no object, would you stay? I'm guessing not...

Sounds like a nasty shit of a man. He is just "friends" now with the OW? Do you have "mug" tattooed on some part of your body??

Sorry to be so blunt, as you are clearly vulnerable and must suffering from low self-esteem, but he has not respected you or your kids in this. He is having it all ways he can and you are letting him.

I have never had to leave someone with my children in tow, so I have no place to say "leave him!" as I fully get that it would be an immense thing to do. However, if you have friends or family close by and they could help you out then I would pack up and go. There is nothing to stop him from being a great and supportive father if you leave. Lots of couples split and share the custody of the children, and are free to pursue a life with respect and find new love.

You deserve to be with someone who will love and adore you faithfully. Don't accept this.

FB'ing the other woman, leave it. She does not care about you at all, do not give her the time of day.

Don't stay with him because its hard to leave

easier said than done I know ,is your family supportive?

he tells me he is seeing her as a friend.

I think this is a possibility and I know that he does have a need for 'friends'. he is quite a lonely soul, hard to describe.

I am not naive, in the sense that I also think it's possibly not true that they're only friends.

the question is really how I play all of this. do I make a big fight about it or do I leave it until we've sold? It's almost as though I've kind of given up..

Are you prepared to accept that this man is simply not monogamous? How do you feel about sitting him down and saying, look, shag who you like but be honest about it and carry on doing your share of the housework and childcare?
It's not impossible to live like this if you think that the monogamy-rejecting man is an OK human being otherwise, if he is a good dad, amusing company etc, and if you yourself are not massively bothered about monogamy.

But it's harder to do this from a starting point of having been repeatedly lied to.

i have several problems i think.

One is within me, i hate confrontation. And hurting people, even though objectively I know he has hurt me. This is again why I have to grow a pair.

The other is, well, logistics. I live abroad and have good friends here but moving with 2 babies is not easy. Would be hard to afford rent, deposit etc without having first sold the flat. my family would be supportive but I have a bit of a horror of having to ask my mum for money. I have a friend who might be up for sharing a house but she has her own decisions to make and will not know until the end of the month at least...

Final problem is overnights and sharing the children. Where I live, 5050 is the norm and I would have no chance of more. and frankly i hate the thought for my 9month old. She doesnt yet sleep through the night and I wonder whether a couple of months could make all the difference on that..

So I guess yes I need some balls to make sure it happens, that I actually move. But on the other hand dont flame me for thinking that I should wait a little..

Tell him to leave then. which country are you in?

to solidgoldvampirebat.

I have considered this. But I have realised that I cannot deal with it - on the basis that he hasnt been honest adn I am not sure i can trust him ever to be honest. Also, I am jealous and if I think he's hiding something start going through all his shit, and I suffer, and I hate that dynamic. Or if he goes out to be wondering who he's with.. I dont think there is enough trust for an open relationship. And there are other issues, also linked to the honesty, like I don't appreciate the way he deals with money. On its own might not be a deal breaker but taken together...

Ghahstly would rather not divulge country for the moment! Europe anyway and he's from the country. He wouldnt be able to afford to leave unfortunately, again, until we sell the damn flat.

PS and no chance I coudl come back to the UK - have a good job here and couldn't take the DCs away..

Could he buy you out?

What are you must haves then?

These would be mine in this situation

No contact with other woman
No passwords/blocks on any electronic devices
joint bank account which you manage
Return to counselling with a view to making it work
Sell the flat, split the money, trial seperation

Why cannot he go to a friend/families house if it is his country of origin?

buzz, neither of us can afford to buy the other out... we have managed to substantially raise the value of the appartment through renovation and because it was cheap at the time.. which is also good because have made money on it, but at teh same time means that buying each other out would not be an option. And frankly it is expensive to maintain.

interesting Ghastly.

well he could potentially go to a friend's but then there's the DCs, neither of us have friends with two spare bedrooms!! And his family is small, and either have NO space or live a couple of hours away.

The must haves are interesting to be honest. I agree, although I dont think he'd go for the trial separation thing.

the sad thing is I'm reaching the point where I don't care enough...

so I have to leave, it's just getting the balls in action IYKWIM

I think you are making excuses for him TBH. He has to know that what he is doing is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. So he has to go. And if that means he cannot have his kids overnight, then that is a shit consequence of his actions that will be short lived as soon as flat has been sold

So he wants to stay with you, do you want that? What are your "must haves" for that scenario.

Start thinking it all out, making your lists. Do not worry too much about the logistics-- baby sleeping through space for sleep overs, where will I go etc etc. You KNOW you could go back to your mums short term with the children. That is your back up. You have an out. You KNOW he could stay at a friends house till the flat sold. His has created a fucking mess, he needs to take responsibility for that.

Start thinking like a warrior and not a victim.

I take it the OP's mother lives in the UK. Then, as the OP is living in another country and the children's father is from that country, she can't move back to her mother's in the UK even if she wanted to and even if she were willing to give up her job and her flat, if the father objects. The courts in the other country would be very, very unlikely to allow it.

OP, you seem to have forgotten at least one very important fact here...

HE'S CHEATING ON YOU!

Kick him OUT. It's HIS problem where he stays. It's down to HIM to find somewhere that he can see the DC. If he hasn't got somewhere suitable, that is HIS look out. Your baby is 9m old, way too young for overnights away from you. HE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE HE STARTED FFING SOMEONE ELSE.

He's not going to get to call the shots here. Not while he's STILL betraying you all.

Your nickname may be true, but IME the possession of a pair of testicles doesn't automatically make a person a great person. A strong confident, independent woman, who knows her worth and commands respect is more than a mere bloke with a wandering knob will ever be.

You are mountains upon mountains above this creep. Get mad, and get your life back. Kick this poor excuse out and don't look back.

The 50/50 care would only relate to when you agree this in court. Until then, you do what you know is right.

exactly pattypenguin!!

i appreciate what you're saying HerScaryness, but here there'd be no way that I could put off the 50 50 maybe for a month or so but here the way it works is that we'd agree something that would be rubber stamped by court, there'd be no way I could restrict 5050 even if in my opinion it would be too early for the baby.

No real way I could force him out either since we co-own the flat. unfortunately he'd not the type to fall on his sword.

SOO I'm back to the do I play along for a month or two? I dont really see an alternative..

I agree with ghastly - you're making excuses for his behaviour and you're making pretty flimsy excuses not to separate from him. If you want to stay together because it's convenient then so so be it - but you need to accept that he will treat you like a doormat the rest of your relationship, and there will be more OW. Imho.

Could you not agree to seperate as soon as the appartment sells and live as co parents while waiting for it to sell.
split evrything 50/50--he does his own washing cooking shopping etc

Let him see you mean business, that the relationship in your eyes is over.

Can you not come back to the UK for a longish holiday One month while the flat sold? I know not of the custody/law arrangements and appreciate that what i might be saying is in conflict with that.

He has to leave the home i think for the short term, even if just to recognise that he has messed it up and you need him out.

Do not play along, do not be compliant. Do not accept his boundaries. Draw your own.

"you wont leave the flat, you leave me no choice. i am heading back to the UK for a short time while the flat sells, you can come back and visit within that month, i have bought a return ticket for all of us, it is just a holiday. I cannot stay here, you will not leave."

Why is that not possible?

Sorry that you are in this situation. It must be very stressful for you.

It might be an idea to take a holiday if your employer will give you the time off, Ithink, though would they give you a month? What's the housing market like where you are and how quickly do sales normally go through? If the flat is unlikely to sell quickly, FWIW I think Doha's idea is good. You could even draw up a written list of ground rules.

OK

Split parenting and care of the flat completely 50/50 while you are selling it. This is how it goes...

1. He can shag the other women when you are looking after the dc (he is anyway...nothing new there)...erm, just as an aside, if she is a "friend" why doesn't she come and socialise with you too, she is a friend of the family, yes ? no!

2. you can shag anybody you fancy when he is looking after the dc

50/50 means just that

Half the shitwork. Half the fun.

Do you think he would go for that ?

< doubts it >

I have considered this option, kind of separated flat mates. I'm a little worried that he might play games when it came to selling it. I'm not sure he would be 'rational'. I guess that one of my problems is also that I'm scared of how he might react.

frankly however if there are no buyers in sight soon this is what I may have to do.. this kind of double life is killing me.

OK, fair enough, you need to dump his sorry arse right now then. Because you can;'t trust him. He probably is the sort of bloke who puts his dick and his ego ahead of everything else so would never be trustworthy.