MIL & Coffee!

[WindingMeUp]

Last year I threw a party for my dcs. I overstretched myself quite a bit and my DH was unwell that week so I was running around like a headless chicken! It was very stressful but all arranged so I had to go ahead.

My MIL I was hoping would offer to help. I had quite a few things going on at once at the party and was hoping she would take one of them on (seriously massive party!)

Anyway she didn't which is her right of course but after an hour or so she came into my tiny little square shaped kitchen where I was trying to do a million and one things and complained that I hadn't offered her a tea or coffee yet!

I wasn't making tea or coffee for anyone as there just wasn't time plus hot drinks and loads of kids don't mix that well. I had put water, juice, wine and sparkly water and lemonade on the table so the parents could just help themselves which was a big help.

I said I wasn't going to be making hot drinks as I didn't have time. She got huffy and said that she would make it then. I said she couldn't as the work surface was covered in cut up cake plus a pile of presents. There really wasn't room. That wasn't good enough for her though. I also explained that the kettle was broken so if she used it the water would go everywhere when she tried to pour it and ruin the presents and cake!

She STILL got huffy. Eventually she moved all the stuff, caused complete fucking chaos, squished the cake, dropped all the presents, all so she could make a drink.

Is it that really bloody awful to have a cold drink? Was it really that hard to see that I was SOOOO busy and that it probably wasn't a good idea to hassle me for stuff? Was it so terrible to wait the extra hour til she went home?

It's that time of year again and we will have another (smaller!) party in November so the memory has come back and I want to kill her!

When her daughter throws parties she practically does all the food/arranging/clearing up and then gives her DD massive pats on the back for doing such a great job. When it's me she just moans, doesn't want to help and is a fucking pain!

Yeuch. I'd ditch the whole bloody lot of them.

pink4ever It may be just a kettle but I am not made of cash so need to make my purchases wisely. If you don't have the same problem then you are very lucky, it is not something to judge me on though. I also think I am not legally obliged to have a kettle in my home. I don't believe I am commiting any crime, legally or morally by not having one for a period of time.

For us, GPs were only invited until the children had parties-and we were in Germany by then.

IIRC ILs never came as the children never had a b/day falling at the weekend-meaning that their PFB would have been at work & God forbid, they would have had a day with me & their only GC

I've never invited grandparents to my kids' parties once they were old enough to have them like Diddl. They came if convenient for all (they live some hours away) when the kids were small and just having family celebrations but having them around as well as kids for a party would be a pain as they'd need to stay etc. They often see the kids around their birthdays but not party day.
Not inviting them is easy, you just don't do it. if they mentioned wanting to come round then you say you'll be too busy with the party to entertain more people. You could mention the hot water incident as an example of extra people just getting in the way.
My grandparents never came to my birthday parties as a child. We often went swimming etc though and my kids and their friends often go to various activities.
I think for a child's birthday you either have an extended family get together or a kids' party. Your mistake is in trying to mix the two.

You don't know the other people going to the hen do. And you're never going to see them again! Send the e-mail!

Apologies, posted on wrong thread

Someone said I was smug about op being disorganised earlier

Just wanted to address that....
I am not or was not smug... Just saying an incident a year ago this minor to have caused this much aggro... It DID seem like op was stressed and has looked too much into it.

Fair enough to not offer tea, but to winge about her making her own...
A year later...
I just can't get my head around it tbh.

I thought she was just anticipating thus year's party and remembering last year's. As opposed to actively nursing a grudge.

I'd love to be your MIL, Winding. Sounds like you do a good party. I might even be prevailed upon to flit round with a bin liner afterwards, nothing too demanding you understand [terminally lazy emoticon].

at "not legally obliged to have a kettle in my home". If my sister were in Parliament she'd make sure such a law was passed as a major priority! (Mind you she's a dab hand with the bin liner too, although she wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near a 30-child party.)

I did do the birthday get togethers seperately for a while but I found it just too much. Having kids round one day and then family around on the next! It meant that I spent the weekend around my dcs birthday constantly entertaining other people and it left no real time to have quality time with my dc which was what I really wanted. It also meant that if I had my dad here and also the ILs then my dad felt uncomfortable as they can be standoffish and unfriendly. At least if my dad is here when my friends (and their dc) are I know that at least a few of my friends will make a real effort to chat to my dad and help make him feel at ease. It's not ideal but then neither is the other way. I'd rather get it over and done with. Plus it's nice for my dad to see my dcs enjoying themselves and to mix with more people as he is isolated. Can you imagine if I invited my dad but not the ILs! They do though have the option of not coming if they don't want to. I wouldn't mind at all.

WinkyWinkola Exactly

Anniegetyourgun

WhereYouLeftIt Yes I will send the email!

There are some VERY strange people on this thread, OP, but you aren't one of them!

Your MIL should be ashamed of herself, seeing you stressed out and then making further demands.

She's my age (though I don't have grandchildren yet, thank god!) and she's young enough to be running round helping you, rather than acting like a cantankerous old goat.

I think the reason you're thinking about it now is because it's nearly time for the next party, isn't it, rather than dwelling on it non-stop for the the last year, as so many people have suggested.

For those making snidey remarks along the lines of its only a cup of coffee/what a disorganised party etc its pretty clear its not really about the coffee. The incidence is just a tiny example of how OP feels that she is shoddily treated by the MIL and rightly so.

OP you so NBU I have similar issues. I still get cross remembering the scene in my kitchen the night after I got back from hospital with a premature baby who wasnt breastfeeding properly so I was expressing every 3 hours day and night. My ILs were sitting at the dining room table and asked me what was for dinner. I went mad (in my head only) but said I wasnt up to cooking either they could cook or get a takeway. FIL said plaintively "but I dont like curry" it took all my mental strength not to reply I really dont fucking care luckily I didnt but still...

ImperialBlether Yes, I'm dreading a similar thing happening!

kerala That's awful!

If you want to have an extended family event again as well as a kids' party maybe make it clearer to the relatives that they won't be getting hot drinks for the duration of the party and they are welcome if they help. You won'rt have time to look after them.

2rebecca Yeah will make it clearer.

Winding it comes across that the coffee at the party is just the tip of the iceberg - FWIW, she could and should have waited. My mum is forever 'gasping' for a cup of tea, but she'd have kept out of the way and waited ( and offered to make drinks for everyone, not just herself).

But this clearly runs deeper - the issue of repeatedly letting you down with child care looks like she's instigating a power struggle.

Only read a few replies, but can't believe those I have read. YANBU. Obviously, in an ideal world you would have made her a coffee, but it was a difficult day for you and your DH was ill. This year I would either say upfront 'do you think you could help with x' or not invite her. It sounds to me like she wants to see you fail OP .

Inertia That's a good point actually, she didn't offer to make anyone else a drink! I didn't even notice that in my stressed state!

pinkpanettone I know . . . you always get a few daft people posting who think that the OP should be able to do EVERYTHING perfectly in spite of unexpected circumstances, and anything less is to be condemned! You might be right about my MIL wanting to see me fail actually. The parties I have done have generally been pretty good (tons of planning, thinking and worrying) and people have really liked them, she has never once though said that she thought it was good or well done or anything despite people saying it to me while she's been there. She never says "yeah that was a good idea". It has never occured to me before that that's a bit strange but actually it is a little. To not at least say something like that while leaving. I used to be quite shy as is MIL but is recent years I have really come out of myself . . . perhaps she feels put out by that.