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Original poster

MIL & Coffee!

119 replies

WindingMeUp · 19/10/2011 12:25

Last year I threw a party for my dcs. I overstretched myself quite a bit and my DH was unwell that week so I was running around like a headless chicken! It was very stressful but all arranged so I had to go ahead.

My MIL I was hoping would offer to help. I had quite a few things going on at once at the party and was hoping she would take one of them on (seriously massive party!)

Anyway she didn't which is her right of course but after an hour or so she came into my tiny little square shaped kitchen where I was trying to do a million and one things and complained that I hadn't offered her a tea or coffee yet!

I wasn't making tea or coffee for anyone as there just wasn't time plus hot drinks and loads of kids don't mix that well. I had put water, juice, wine and sparkly water and lemonade on the table so the parents could just help themselves which was a big help.

I said I wasn't going to be making hot drinks as I didn't have time. She got huffy and said that she would make it then. I said she couldn't as the work surface was covered in cut up cake plus a pile of presents. There really wasn't room. That wasn't good enough for her though. I also explained that the kettle was broken so if she used it the water would go everywhere when she tried to pour it and ruin the presents and cake!

She STILL got huffy. Eventually she moved all the stuff, caused complete fucking chaos, squished the cake, dropped all the presents, all so she could make a drink.

Is it that really bloody awful to have a cold drink? Was it really that hard to see that I was SOOOO busy and that it probably wasn't a good idea to hassle me for stuff? Was it so terrible to wait the extra hour til she went home?

It's that time of year again and we will have another (smaller!) party in November so the memory has come back and I want to kill her!

When her daughter throws parties she practically does all the food/arranging/clearing up and then gives her DD massive pats on the back for doing such a great job. When it's me she just moans, doesn't want to help and is a fucking pain!

OP posts:
headnotheart · 20/10/2011 14:21

malinois it's a myth that tea and coffee are dehydrating, they are mostly water (though even the beeb got it wrong recently)

I am a tea-aholic and it's always the first thing I want when I get somewhere. But in this instance I am with the OP.

Brew
MakesCakesWhenStressed · 20/10/2011 14:26

Winding - no worries. I normally stay away from any contentious issues on MN, but I had a very bad night and am feeling rather frayed today, so it was nice to wade into a contretemps on someone else's behalf and let off some steam :)

malinois · 20/10/2011 14:40

headnotheart - I'll give you tea, but coffee is dehydrating, particularly as it tends to be drunk in small volumes so there isn't much water being consumed in the first place.

headnotheart · 20/10/2011 14:46

I just meant an ordinary sized mug of instant. You could have a point with espresso.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 20/10/2011 14:50

MILs are a law unto themselves. GPs in general. This is the sort of thing they do, IME! If you want her around at all, give her instructions as to what her job is, then put up with her needing a coffee. She is kind of a family member, rather than just one of the other 40 adults at the party!

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 20/10/2011 14:51

You're both right to an extent - it is hydrating, but also diuretic. I think espresso is the only one that would take out more than it puts in.

What baffles me is people who want hot drinks when it's hot - bleurk

sue52 · 20/10/2011 14:52

She's 52! For goodness sake she can do without a hot drink for a couple of hours. The woman sounds a complete pain and slightly unhinged therefore you were very polite to invite her, given her previous behaviour to you and your DH. I would buy her a thermos flask for Christmas to try and avoid any similar incidents.

Yama · 20/10/2011 15:00

Thing is, you must know your MIL. You must've known that she'd want coffee and so to make it difficult for her is a bit sneaky.

Either don't invite her if you really can't provide coffee or provide coffee.

Hullygully · 20/10/2011 15:02

that poor frail doddery old thing desperate for a little cup of coffee in her dying twilight years

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 20/10/2011 15:04
Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:04

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers If I were to give her instructions she would give me a look that would say "fook off"! She would probably make it verbally clear as well that she wasn't prepared to do it in an "how dare you ask" sort of way. Instructions wouldn't go down well at all. I try the more tactful way of asking if she wants to help but she just says no.

sue52 I think that is why I get so annoyed, because I am just polite all the time no matter what she does. If I spoke my mind I would at least get a type of closure so hopefully wouldn't hold onto the anger so much. I did stick up for us once, it was when she was blaming my DH for something which he had told her wouldn't work and which he had absolutely no control over. She had a right go at him in front of extended family and he just took it so I had a right go back. It was clear we were in the right so it stopped her in her tracks. She never apologised but was very quiet for an hour or so after.

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 20/10/2011 15:06

Hmm, sounds as though she'll bully you if she can but if you fight back she'll shut up - that definitely suggests you should speak your mind more often when she behaves unreasonably / tries to guilt trip your DH.

Does your DH actually want to spend time with her? If she's a complete drain on both of you you could always see less of her...

Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:08

Yama That's rather harsh! Assuming I made it difficult for her on purpose! Do you not think I had better things to do at the party than place obstacles in front of the kettle? Do you think I deliberately sabotaged the kettle as well? Is there a known way of deliberately making a kettle very old and leaky? So you are suggesting that I don't invite my MIL round if my kettle isn't working or there is some other reason that I won't be able to make a hot drink? Do you think she will die without it?

OP posts:
LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 20/10/2011 15:10

If she has her instructions in advance, she will know whether or not she wants to come! Otherwise invite her round for coffee when everyone has gone, then hand her a binliner to help tidy up. Don't forget to [hsmile][hwink]

Yama · 20/10/2011 15:10

I think if she winds you up this much you should stop inviting her round. If she makes you this angry stop seeing her.

Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:13

TadlowDogIncident I think you are right, that she is actually a bit of a bully. I hate to think that about my DHs mum but everything points to it. The whole family is the same except for my DH who just tries to placate the rest of them. My DH does want to see her, he loves her as you would imagine and I wouldn't try to stop him. She has asked to babysit next week and DH agreed but I have really mixed feelings about it. My DCs will love it but she has used babysitting before (previously mentioned) as a power tool and screwed us over with it. At least this time it's not on a day we are doing anything important so if she changes her mind no harm done.

OP posts:
Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:15

Yama How do you not invite a GP to their GCs party?! If she was violent or something then that's different. But a bit of a bullying twat with passive agressive tendencies . . . ?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 15:16

"Hmm, sounds as though she'll bully you if she can but if you fight back she'll shut up - that definitely suggests you should speak your mind more often when she behaves unreasonably / tries to guilt trip your DH."
TadlowDogIncident is spot on there.

What's the worst that can happen? She never comes round less? That would be a win, in my book.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with shite from them.

pink4ever · 20/10/2011 15:17

Eh you can buy a new kettle for a fiver? surely if you can afford a lavish party then you could stretch to that?

This has nowt to do with coffee though has it?-mil pisses you off because she is a twisted cow-as is mine!-but stop being so passive agressive. Next time just tell her you are busy and to get the feck out of your kitchenGrin

Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:19

WhereYouLeftIt Her DH I would imagine would stick up for her til the ends of the earth no matter what she did. He is very quick witted, I am not. He is very scary when he is angry. The SIL has a chip on her shoulder and her and her mum are joined at the hip almost like they are glue. They express exactly the same opinions about everything word for word. Neither is independent from the other and they do everything together. The SIL and FIL would both likely be very scary in such a situation. She has more balls when they are around.

OP posts:
Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:20

pink4ever How am I being passive agressive?

OP posts:
Original poster
WindingMeUp · 20/10/2011 15:20

pink4ever I put off buying the kettle til after the party as we couldn't afford both. Plus I couldn't make a bloody decision on which one to get!

OP posts:
Yama · 20/10/2011 15:21

I have a family party and a kids party on different days. That's what I do.

I love my MIL so I suppose I am lacking in empathy for what you are going through. Apologies. I also don't take crap off people in my own home. Again, that's where my lack of empathy comes into play. Apologies again.

pink4ever · 20/10/2011 15:22

winding-because you didnt just tell her to feck offGrin
I am currently in my mil bad books as have told her we are not going there for xmas. Its great!!

pink4ever · 20/10/2011 15:23

Eh you couldnt decide which kettle to get do you mean? sorry you have now lost all sympathy from me-its a kettle ffs!!