MIL & Coffee!

[WindingMeUp]

Last year I threw a party for my dcs. I overstretched myself quite a bit and my DH was unwell that week so I was running around like a headless chicken! It was very stressful but all arranged so I had to go ahead.

My MIL I was hoping would offer to help. I had quite a few things going on at once at the party and was hoping she would take one of them on (seriously massive party!)

Anyway she didn't which is her right of course but after an hour or so she came into my tiny little square shaped kitchen where I was trying to do a million and one things and complained that I hadn't offered her a tea or coffee yet!

I wasn't making tea or coffee for anyone as there just wasn't time plus hot drinks and loads of kids don't mix that well. I had put water, juice, wine and sparkly water and lemonade on the table so the parents could just help themselves which was a big help.

I said I wasn't going to be making hot drinks as I didn't have time. She got huffy and said that she would make it then. I said she couldn't as the work surface was covered in cut up cake plus a pile of presents. There really wasn't room. That wasn't good enough for her though. I also explained that the kettle was broken so if she used it the water would go everywhere when she tried to pour it and ruin the presents and cake!

She STILL got huffy. Eventually she moved all the stuff, caused complete fucking chaos, squished the cake, dropped all the presents, all so she could make a drink.

Is it that really bloody awful to have a cold drink? Was it really that hard to see that I was SOOOO busy and that it probably wasn't a good idea to hassle me for stuff? Was it so terrible to wait the extra hour til she went home?

It's that time of year again and we will have another (smaller!) party in November so the memory has come back and I want to kill her!

When her daughter throws parties she practically does all the food/arranging/clearing up and then gives her DD massive pats on the back for doing such a great job. When it's me she just moans, doesn't want to help and is a fucking pain!

I know - they're totally toxic and I wish he'd just ditch the whole load of them, including his chavvy freeloading sisters, but he has a strong sense of duty and feels he owes them something just because they're related to him. Gah - I knew I should have stayed off an in-law thread this week, it's just too close to home.

Is your SiL awful too, or just quietly benefits from her mother's help and stays out of things?

MakesCakesWhenStressed I am so sorry you don;t have your own mum to help and support you. I don;t know what I would do without mine.

That really touched me for some reason.

he has a strong sense of duty and feels he owes them something just because they're related to him

My DH is the same!

My SIL is strange. She can be fine but then flips. Not in a violent way, but she'll suddenly be very selfish. She is also judgemental. And doesn't appreciate any help she gets. She thinks she has it hard in life but when I pointed out once that she was lucky with the help for her mum she went nuts. She is also very entitled and things she should get her own way and everything should go how she wants it to. I can't make her out and have given up trying.

Well... I personally would never dream of not offering people a hot drink, let alone restrict them from making their own.

Very much an over reaction to still be annoyed 10 minutes later, let alone a year! Is this real?

You prob just stressed yourself out being so disorganised? Just my first thoughts...

There, I guessed it wasn't a dear little silver-haired old granny. I'm a 52-year-old MIL myself, and I don't appreciate being called "elderly" even in jest. I also hope my manners are a wee bit better than to force myself into someone else's kitchen - even my own son's - when they're clearly extremely busy and cluttered, just because I had to have a particular kind of drink right nooowwwww or I would die of thirst or turn into a pumpkin or something. Actually I don't think I'd force my way into my own kitchen if some poor soul was madly trying to organise a party in there.

I was raised on tea, I believe in tea, my dad was one of a huge family who were always dropping in and out of each other's houses and the kettle going on was the first sound we heard in all of them. But all this "how rude not to offer tea" makes a lot less sense to me than "how rude to demand tea, and then make a mess in the kitchen helping yourself".

It's a minor irritation though, WindingMeUp. It's just a small example of her not-very-niceness. It's worth an eye-roll at best, not a year's suppressed fury. Maybe you're agonising over the kitchen incident in order to stop thinking about things that would really make you angry...?

I think Annie has hit the nail on the head - easier to focus on this one small annoyance than think about all the ways you feel let down. How are you doing today?

Sounds like a terribly organized party if one cup of tea causes so much noise. OP you should not have "30-40" adults plus kids and no properly arranged help next time.

Oh for goodness sake - did nobody except me read the bit where her husband was suddenly ill? Presumably he was her 'properly arranged help' until he got sick.

What is wrong with all you people? Are you all secretly nightmare MiL's and are here jumping to the defence of this unhelpful and difficult woman just in case your DiL is slagging you off somewhere else?

The OP is getting a very hard time on here - I agree that it's a small annoyance in the scheme of things, but I would have been cross (and kayano and bemybebe, I'm not sure why you're being so smug about how disorganised the OP must be for this to have been a problem: did you not notice that the OP's DH was taken ill just before the party?).

Actually, OP, I think you've been admirably restrained. If my MIL (who is lovely, incidentally, and would never do such a thing) repeatedly let me down over babysitting and then had the nerve to complain that I stopped asking her, I would have told her exactly why I wasn't asking any more and not spared her feelings.

X-posted, MakesCakes!

Even 2 people are not really enough to keep a party of 30-40 adults PLUS kids running smoothly. Not being smug, just pointing out that OP had a disaster waiting to happen and if the tea cup incident was the only problem, she got away very lightly... And no, I do not have parties that large at my house for the reason that you need to be super organized and super chilled to pull them off successfully.

I like tea and coffee but some people do have an obsession with it tbh.My Mum is the same and it does drive me mad.Ill be rushing about trying to prepare a meal ive invited everyone to and she will be faffing about in the kitchen making tea,i think its ridiculous,you arent going to pass out without a hot drink fgs.

I think if you have 30 adults then making coffee or tea for them all will take ages, plus I don't have that many mugs and wouldn't want 30 cups of hot drink around the place when full of tiny children.
I've never held a party in my house where parents were expected to stay, I waited until the children were old enough to come alone and the only adults allowed to stay were those who were willing to help, so no grandparents unless they are willing to muck in.
If my kitchen was that chaotic I would have shooed MIL out telling her that it's too dangerous to have hot drinks with the children and given her a job to do.
I suspect you should have made it clearer to her before the party that she could only come to the party if she would help and there would be no hot drinks. She can come later or earlier if she wanted drinks.
The hot water only got spilled because you didn't shoo her out of your kitchen firmly enough.

I can't believe some of the responses on here. Of course she was rude. If she needed a hot drink that desperately there were many other, not so unpleasant ways to ask. She was being a royal pain in the backside. This year I would either tell her in advance that there will be not hot drinks or present her with a travel mug of coffee on entrance.

Rise above it as much as you can. Whatever relative she is to you, she is nasty.

bemybebe, that's rather harsh! OP's DH would have been helping but was ill. MIL refuses to help OP even when asked. And did you skim-read and miss "... my tiny little square shaped kitchen ... there just wasn't time plus hot drinks and loads of kids don't mix that well... the work surface was covered in cut up cake plus a pile of presents. There really wasn't room."??

swap u for my xmil.....i had a static caravan and she decided she was coming to stay with me and dd for a few days....(dd sn and didn't sleep) dd would get to sleep at about 5-30am....mil would wake me up at 5-45am to make her breakfast and tea....she walked past the kettle to wake me up to flick the kettle switch,and make her breakfast and cup of tea, i was so tired by mid morning i would want a sit down, mil said can't sit down it's not allowed, as i might fall asleep and thats not allowed during the day......she wanted fish n chips for lunch and it was a mile walk (pouring with rain) i said i would go as long as dd could stay with her so i could hurry......she said ok....i put my coat on to go and she said i had to take dd with me as she needed a sleep as she had been up since 5-45......

What is "harsh" where? Pointing out that 30-40 people plus kids entertainment should be well planned and sufficient help secured otherwise chaos will ensure? Well, what OP said about the party and her being stressed out just proves my point. Just because I do not join in condemnation of a person asking for a cup of tea at a party does not mean i am not sympathetic, but I happen to think it is due to OP, rather than the "evil" MIL.

bemybebe, I was responding to your sentence "Sounds like a terribly organized party if one cup of tea causes so much noise.". For one person to be able to run such a party suggested that to the contrary it was incredibly well organised.

Agreed, WhereYouLeftIt: if the worst that happened was that MIL made an avoidable mess in the kitchen because she couldn't wait for her hot drink, the OP must have been amazingly organised!

Really shocked at some of the mad responses to this thread. It's by no means a given that you will be offered hot drinks at a party, and your mil was extremely rude to force the issue. As for those posts suggesting that if you are rushed at a children's party it shows poor organisation on your part - what?? Bizarre.

That said, you probably shouldn't be holding a grudge a year later.

OP, you have my sympathy. I don't understand the near-obsession that older generations have with tea and coffee. My DPs and PILs are like this. They also have some sort of unspoken code on what can be drunk at different times of the day and I always get it wrong:

Mal: can I get you an, ermm, cup of tea?
Loon: What??? It's nearly 11am!! Are you insane? I'll have a coffee!

And the fact that they constantly complain they are thirsty (getting worse as they get older) but refuse to drink water but just drink more dehydrating coffee and tea.

Having said that they think I'm weird as I often ask for water when offered a drink, which they begrudgingly serve in a thimble-sized glass.

Personally, if I see someone struggling, I'd try to help them out and not make extra demands on them.

That is common courtesy.

At a child's party, I think one should realise hot drinks aren't really suitable and perhaps wait an hour until the party is over. Whether you are a mil or not. It won't kill you and would make things a little easier. After all, nobody wants to make life difficult for someone, do they?

In future, if any poster has a beef with their mil, can I suggest that you fib about the relation and say it's your sister or friend instead? Because you will not get a balanced response from those on here who see the word 'mil' and either automatically pile in or defend, regardless of the situation.

"For one person to be able to run such a party suggested that to the contrary it was incredibly well organised."

We have different standards of "well organized" then .

The reason there are a lot of IL bashing threads is because mn is sometimes the only place you can off load. If your own mother annoyed you you could say "Mum, I love you but that is annoying so STOP!". If your DPs mother annoys you you have to keep your mouth shut as it is not your place.

My MIL is a stone cold bitch (to the point of both physical and mental abuse of DH). If she were my mother I would have told her so and cut all contact years ago. But it isn't my place so on the (now rare) occassion that I do see her I just nod politely and avoid as much as possible. On the plus side there is less than no chance she will ever turn up to my house for a party of any kind.

The basic issue is one of good manners.

Dh would be hugging the OP in solidarity.

We had a Christmas drinks party a few years ago and dh is - like the OP - still going on at intervals about how one or two people turned up and even though they could see us flapping about with trays of glasses and nibbles, still felt it was appropriate to ask for a "cup of tea". Aaaaggghhhh. (And it's not a case of the drivers/non-drinkers/pregnant people not being catered for - plenty of soft drinks on offer.)

Anniegetyourgun Perhaps you would be my MIL . . . pleeeaasee? And yes you hit the nail on the head, the real thing I am angry about is that she refused to help me when I wasn't coping and going through such an awful time, in fact she did and still does just make things harder for me rather then helping in any way.

MakesCakesWhenStressed & TadlowDogIncident Thanks for 'getting it' and sticking up for me. I wish I did stick up for myself more with my ILs. My DH has always felt that it is his family and for him to sort out, but he doesn't. It's like he's scared of upsetting then for fear of rejection. He has low self esteem I think. It's got to the stage now though where I have bottled it up so much that even he realises that he has to be ok with me sticking up for us if he is not able to.

WhereYouLeftIt For one person to be able to run such a party suggested that to the contrary it was incredibly well organised. ---why thank you! I planned it to within an inch of it's life. It was the pulling if off single handedly after my DH became ill that was the difficult bit. Amazingly everyone thought it was great which is always nice [relieved emoticon]

bemybebe You clearly have not read properly. Perhaps I should have "organised" my DH into NOT getting ill or into getting better the moment I demanded it? . . . I suggested you stuff your "standards of "well organized" where the sun don't shine.

malinois Mal: can I get you an, ermm, cup of tea? Loon: What??? It's nearly 11am!! Are you insane? I'll have a coffee! --- That made me laugh!