MIL & Coffee!

[WindingMeUp]

Last year I threw a party for my dcs. I overstretched myself quite a bit and my DH was unwell that week so I was running around like a headless chicken! It was very stressful but all arranged so I had to go ahead.

My MIL I was hoping would offer to help. I had quite a few things going on at once at the party and was hoping she would take one of them on (seriously massive party!)

Anyway she didn't which is her right of course but after an hour or so she came into my tiny little square shaped kitchen where I was trying to do a million and one things and complained that I hadn't offered her a tea or coffee yet!

I wasn't making tea or coffee for anyone as there just wasn't time plus hot drinks and loads of kids don't mix that well. I had put water, juice, wine and sparkly water and lemonade on the table so the parents could just help themselves which was a big help.

I said I wasn't going to be making hot drinks as I didn't have time. She got huffy and said that she would make it then. I said she couldn't as the work surface was covered in cut up cake plus a pile of presents. There really wasn't room. That wasn't good enough for her though. I also explained that the kettle was broken so if she used it the water would go everywhere when she tried to pour it and ruin the presents and cake!

She STILL got huffy. Eventually she moved all the stuff, caused complete fucking chaos, squished the cake, dropped all the presents, all so she could make a drink.

Is it that really bloody awful to have a cold drink? Was it really that hard to see that I was SOOOO busy and that it probably wasn't a good idea to hassle me for stuff? Was it so terrible to wait the extra hour til she went home?

It's that time of year again and we will have another (smaller!) party in November so the memory has come back and I want to kill her!

When her daughter throws parties she practically does all the food/arranging/clearing up and then gives her DD massive pats on the back for doing such a great job. When it's me she just moans, doesn't want to help and is a fucking pain!

Op should have headed it "Guest who is helping me throw large birthday party for my dcs having the temerity to want a coffee - aibu?"

Why do you think that usualsuspect, OP's reason for being upset are reasonable, she wasnt going ot serve hot drinks aroudn young children anyway, the kettle was broken, there was not room for any person to come along and start doing their own thing in the kitchen, MIL dropped presents and squished cake in her determination to make herself tea. Tea is not something one can will die from lack of, I love tea but I wouldnt have behaved like that at someone else's house where I was a guest.

OP you have my sympathy too, I agree with bran, tell her before hand there won't be any hot drinks served at the party and throw the kettle away.

I doubt any woman on this thread who has a little consideration will end up as a disliked MIL.

Because MILs can't do anything right on MN can they?

YANBU to have been annoyed at the time - it was ridiculous, even my Mum who mainlines coffee could wait a while. Although, to give my Mum her due she'd be right in there sorting everything out, making drinks for 40, whipping up a cake, tidying up the presents & entertaining the kids... not complaining you hadn't made her coffee... though, she would also be shaking her head at your lack of organisation

I hope your DH is going to be able to be more help this year!! Although it sounds like you are having a more manageable party this year.

Find a place for people to put the presents that is not in the kitchen.

Have fun - have wine - lots of it!!

& let it go...................

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow As the hostess it's your duty to make everyone feel welcome. Can't quite believe you wouldn't allow your elderly MIL to make herself a hot drink at her grandchilds party.

That is wrong on many levels. For a start she's not elderly, she's 52! Secondly the party was for the children, although I provided drinks for the adults. Thirdly "her grandchilds party"!!!! How about my dcs party. As the grandparent why does she need to be waited on hand and foot to the detriment of the children who the party was for, as though she is some kind of royalty. She was a guest, the same as all the others!

QuintessentialShadyHallows I am sorry, but if you are throwing a mahoosive party, with both adults and kids, you need to organize it better. --- Did you not read that my DH was taken ill?

Why not replace a broken kettle? How is your mil supposed to know the kettle is broken? If it splatters water everywhere, it is a hazard! --- My MIL knew the kettle was broken as I told her many times.

Why did you squash the presents into the kitchen, if you knew you needed the space for preparations and food? Could somebody not have carried the presents elsewhere? --- Because I don't live in a mansion. The only other place I could have put them was the living room where they would have got trampled and ripped open by the kids or the shed!

I think this is the kind of situation where you have yourself shown a martyred face, while in fact the situation probably called for a "Oh, so sorry Louisa, I did not think about that, as I had put refreshments out, and I am so stressed and busy. Would you mind just moving the presents up to our bedroom, and I shall meanwhile put the kettle on for you". --- It was obvious that I was struggling and rushed off my feet. She knew I needed help but didn't want to do it. At one point I asked her to cut the cake up and she said no cos she wanted her coffee whilst tutting and giving me evils! So no I couldn't have done that. The fact that her ds was ill didn't seem to change her opinion either. Who was going on entertain the kids (yes I was doing that too as my DH was in too much pain to do anything) while I was making her coffee?

usualsuspect I doubt the op would have been bothered by it ,if it wasn't the MIL who wanted a hot drink

Wow that's some assumption! I would have been bothered if anyone had been that selfish and inconsiderate.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe Op should have headed it "Guest who is helping me throw large birthday party for my dcs having the temerity to want a coffee - aibu?"

This isn't AIBU. My MIL in no way helped me throw the party . . . in no way whatsoever. What makes you think different? She turned up, did nothing, refused to help, moaned about coffee, gave me dirty looks and then left. Some help!

Well, you've obviously got all the answers op.

Hope the party is less stressful this year.

I'm assuming you're in the UK. The rules quite clearly state that adults should be get the chance to have a tea or coffee. You were being unreasonable

wolfhound I think it's the right move. It's extremely time consuming unless you have lots of helpers.

natwebb79* I think that's why it's been on my mind, because I am thinking she'll do the same. This year the party is a lot more manageable and my DH is better but I'll be doing games and crafts with the kids so won't have time to make drinks. I'll just put out a selection like last year and if she complains I might use your Starbucks suggestion!

steben Sympathise.

usualsuspect This isn't a MIL bashing thread. I'd feel the same no matter who it was.

bran We couldn't afford to replace the kettle at the time so kept it on the draining board and poured over the sink away from children. My DH is a tea addict! (although he more than lasted the duration of the party!) It's been replaced now though.

No doubt you will now get many stories about other unreasonable MILs

I will leave you all to it

I'm a lone voice with you, OP!

I know what it's like when you're hosting an event, whizzing about like a blue-arsed fly, and when you say to an arrival, "Wine, beer, lemonade, coke etc etc etc?" they reply "I'll have a cup of tea, please." Aaaaggghhhh! In the case of bil, he would also add "Can you make it in a tea pot, please, and put in enough bags..." whilst failing to see that you are trying to do 50 other things simultaneously.

Not as bad as one aged aunt, who helpfully asked, in the middle of a friend's Christening party, for "a cup of coffee made with all milk, in a saucepan - not microwaved - with half a spoon of coffee and can you put some grated chocolate on the top?" Er - this ain't the M&S cafe, you know.

Someone else with not enough to worry about. How on earth can this be a big deal?

fuzzywuzzy Exactly!

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern Your mum sounds amazing. I no longer have mine around which makes me very sad at times like that. My mum would have helped but because she can't I sort of think my MIL will offer but she never ever does. Even when I tell her that I really need help like when I was very ill with PND and practically begged her to help me she just pulls a face and says that she is too busy. She almost seems to get some enjoyment out of it. I feel as though she is punishing me for something but I don't know what. Her and FIL treat my DH completely different to his sister and they seem still pissed off now that he was a difficult baby! So when we had ours and our baby had problems and then my mum died it was almost like they got pleasure out of watching us struggle. Whilst at the same time practically wiping DHs sisters arse for her!

As you can probably tell the coffee is the tip of the iceberg and by far the pettiest problem I have had with them. I just feel abandoned.

(I have no idea where to put the presents)

Bennifer Is that tongue in cheek?

usualsuspect No doubt you will now get many stories about other unreasonable MILs I will leave you all to it

For the last time this isn't about hating MILs! I only have one and I've only ever had one so I couldn't possibly bash them in general, plus I'll probably be one one day. All I know is what I have said about this one person. I would say the same about anyone else. Surely people should be able to say they are upset with their MIL without it being MIL bashing?

gramercy

Fucks's sake, is there something in the water today? Foaming berserkers of the world unite, preferably on the threads of MumsNet!

WindingMeUp, you have my sympathies. Get a flask made for her this year and hand it to her as she comes through the door. If it pisses her off, so much the better. Nobody needs that sort of nonsense when they're up to their eyes in birthday party.

I will leave it to your own discretion whether you put laxatives in the flask. She doesn't sound they type who shares, so I doubt it would affect anyone else.

Windingmeup, not entirely, but then I come from a tea/coffee family - it's one of the firsts you do when you invite anyone round. "Do you want a cup of tea of coffee?"

Bennifer Yes sure if you invite them round on an ordinary day . . . Not when you invite them round for a party with 30 kids and at least as many other adults, and you tell them to help themselves to drinks which are in the living room, and if they turn up after all the kids so the party is in full swing. Even if they had turned up early I wouldn't have been able to I was too busy. I was hoping they would come early and help out but they chose not to do that despite knowing DH was ill and I was arranging and getting ready for the party with my dcs to look after as well.

whereyouleftit
I would suggest taking the fuse out if the kettle plug. Should solve the problem
Hope thus year's party goes more smoothly. It must be hard when your own mum is sadly not around any more. It must make MIL problems grate even more.

wheelshavefallenoffthebus Yes it does

I'd have ordered her out of the kitchen and, in fact, booted her out of the house strongly suggested that she go to a cafe for a takeaway coffee, and while she was at it make herself useful and take orders for other people.

Doesn't matter that it was your MIL. Anyone being so inconsiderate and wilfully unaware deserves very short shrift.

OP - I sympathise utterly, she sounds like a right pain. I suggest making the kitchen out of bounds and telling her to fuck off to Starbucks, but since my in-laws made my DH cry this week I am feeling rather anti-in-law, so am probably not the best person to ask.

Wow what did they do to your DH MakesCakes?

LadyClariceCannockMonty Anyone being so inconsiderate and wilfully unaware deserves very short shrift.

She is like this a lot. It gets me down, because as my MIL I have to just let it go all the time. Like I said earlier she refused to help me when I wasn't coping after losing my mum and having PND. She actually lost me a job as she said she would babysit on my first day while I sorted something permanent out and then changed her mind . . . that morning! I used to ask if she wanted to babysit while we went to non child things such as weddings but she would say yes "I would love to" and then change her mind on the morning and say she could only do half day so we missed the reception.

She even said no once when my DH (her son) had an accident and needed to go to the hospital. I had 2 preschoolers and an injured DH who couldn't walk to get around the hospital. Said no to when we were moving house and also while I was giving birth. I don't know why she's like this. A lot of these times I have found out that she said no to me and looked after her daughters children instead.

I stopped asking and then she got the hump that we never asked and about how much she missed the dcs! She gets the hump and sulks if she doesn't get her own way as well. A while back she wanted my DH to do her a favour. He would happily have done it but it was very short notice (night before) and I had a medical appointment so he couldn't do it as he'd have the dcs. She sulked! Talka bout emotional blackmail. My DH was really upset as she was making him feel so bad.

It's things like this that make me sometimes feel as though I hate her and I don't want to feel like that! She just causes me and my DH so much stress.

Sorry ranting.

I have never catered for adults at my children's parties and no one has ever complained.

Well let's just say it started with an hour long phone call during DH's lunchbreak spewing invective and cursing our soon-to-be-born baby and leave it there, shall we? Needless to say it has never been a 'model' parent-child relationship and my poor DH thinks it's normal to have to put up with such things, or did until he faced the position of Daddy himself and realised that no parent should behave that way to their child.

Anyway, sorry for threadjacking, but I completely sympathise and understand and I am so sorry you don;t have your own mum to help and support you. I don;t know what I would do without mine.

MakesCakes That's awful!