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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What next? DV and SS involved

61 replies

emmie78 · 18/10/2011 09:47

I was called round to my friend?s house a couple of nights ago by his concerned neighbour who had heard a huge fight between him and his girlfriend.

I arrived to find broken glass and plates everywhere, food and blood up the walls. My friend?s girlfriend was standing over him as he lay on the floor and she continued throwing heavy objects at his head.
The saddest thing was that their eight year old son witnessed it all and as I tried to get him out of the house his mum banged into him and he hit his head on the wall Sad

The upshot is the police arrived, handcuffed her and took her away. They?re not pressing charges because he didn?t want to but she has received a caution.They told us because there was violence involved and their son witnessed it they would have to involve SS.

Just wondering if anyone knows what is likely to happen now. They are coming today to interview their DS and my friend is terrified they are going to take him away. How likely (or not) is this?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/10/2011 09:50

Oh dear OP. She continued to throw heavy objects even though you were there?? That is some seriously fucked up shit. Your poor poor friend.

I know nothing about the procedures of SS, but I would've thought the kids, should the worst come to the worst, would stay with him?

Is he making plans to split with her now?

pictish · 18/10/2011 09:51

Sorry, I should say 'their son' .

bellsring · 18/10/2011 09:55

SS will do a full investigation into the family. If her dv continues, his capabilities for looking after their son will be in question also.

KRITIQ · 18/10/2011 09:55

You might want to ring up the NSPCC confidential advice line. They can explain more about what is likely to happen and how you can best support the family, particularly the young lad. It may be that if the father is too unwell to look after the child for a while, he could be placed with a foster family, or preferably with another relative if one is nearby.

So long both adults are in safe places and where applicable, receiving treatment, the priority has to be the welfare of the wee boy. If you are close to him, he may be needing your support at some stage.

RitaMorgan · 18/10/2011 09:56

I think SS will want to know that your friend is able to protect his son from the violence - either getting her out of the house, or removing himself and the child.

pictish · 18/10/2011 09:57

Yes of course - SS will be very concerned with sheltering the lad from witnessing further violence won't they?

Original poster
emmie78 · 18/10/2011 10:02

She has admitted she instigated it and the only harm he did to her was when he was trying to restrain her. He is saying that whatever happens he doesn't want her back.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/10/2011 10:06

Good for him. She sounds like a nutter! What's her problem??

bellsring · 18/10/2011 10:18

Then, without her, his parenting ability will be more secure with SS.

Apocalypto · 18/10/2011 10:45

I can't believe this thread has got to 10+ posts without anyone wading in to say he must have provoked her and she should leave with her son now.

It's not too late for someone to suggest that due to the injuries she has inflicted he may no longer be capable of looking after his son and so he should live with his mother.

Come on, all the usual suspects, where are you? The silence is deafening!

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 10:48

Where is the ds living now? And are their other dc too?

GypsyMoth · 18/10/2011 10:50

Ss will check with sch/docs for any concerns, and usually work with the family. They don't routinely remove dc who have witnessed dv in the first instance

KRITIQ · 18/10/2011 11:00

Looks like bit of baiting going on upthread!

The welfare of the wee boy is paramount. That's what Social Services will be concerned with. If the father needs support or to leave the situation or for the mother to leave to make that happen, that will be on the cards. If the mother needs treatment or to be removed from the situation (or both) to make that happen, that will also be in the plan. Separately, it looks like there would be a police investigation, considering the seriousness of the assault.

I thought the op was asking what she/he could do to support the child and her friend (who was assaulted) in the situation.

bubblegumpop · 18/10/2011 11:02

LOL @ apoc, I read the op and was gobsmacked, I didn't once see a post saying she must have goaded him.

Op he'll be ok, he has made the decision to end it, the child will be safe from the violence.

It is very likely if this is his decision, ss, will support him and seek to remove the mother from the house.

All the best.

ScarlettIsWalking · 18/10/2011 11:07

Jesus Christ

Thzumbazombiewitch · 18/10/2011 11:10

I doubt that he could have provoked her to the extent that she carried on doing him violence once a non-family member arrived on the scene!
However, she could have been drunk, high, or having a psychotic episode - or she could just be a nasty bitch, but usually this last type would stop when being observed.

How is your friend, OP? apart from being sure he doesn't want to take her back, is he ok to look after his DS? If he is fit to do so, and there are no reasons why he shouldn't (previous history of violence himself, drug addict himself, that kind of thing) then I don't see why they would want to remove his son, since he won't allow the mother back into the house.

LindenAvery · 18/10/2011 11:19

Welcome to mumsnet Emmie. Why did the neighbour call you and not the police? Do you know the neighbour too?

Just support your friend and be willing to listen - and I recommend you suggest the links contained in the note at the top of the relationship board. No one here will be able to answer your question - but there are plenty of people willing to support you and your friend.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 11:21

Why do some people come onto sensitive threads to attempt to provoke yet another argument Confused

it says so much more about you than anyone else... do you really give a shit about the real people behind the post at all or is this just a convenient soapbox ?

you can of course reply and have the floor now, but I shan't respond thus prolonging your time in the spotlight you so clearly hanker after

you know who you are, and the more you post, the more everyone else will see you for what you are too

OP all the best in supporting your friend at a truly terrible time...look after yourself too, you must be devastated at getting drawn into this awful situation. I feel very sorry for the poor boy x

Ormirian · 18/10/2011 11:25

Poor little boy Sad

No advice but thinking of you all.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 12:06

I take it that, despite the blood and carnage and the heavy objects thown at his head, your friend hasn't sustained any serious injury and that the ds did not require hospital treatment for the accidental bump on his head?

If this is the first visit from SS they'll be looking to fill in the gaps left by the police referral prior to making a preliminary report on their findings. They'll take a family history and will no doubt make contact with the child's school and other agencies such as the family GP if they haven't already done so

If SS are intending to interview the child today, they will take on board what he says to them before making any decision as to whether he is at risk and/or whether consideration should be given to placing him on the Child Protection Register.

It's highly unlikely that a decision will be made today to remove the child to a place of safety unless his responses warrant immediate action, or unless it appears that your friend is unable to care for him.

The ds's wishes with regard to contact with his dm will be taken into account and it may be advisable for your friend to ask that SS facilitate supervised contact outside of the family home until such time as any investigations are concluded.

If this is a one-off incident it is probable that SS's obligatory investigations will be speedily concluded and that their future involvement in the child's welfare will be minimal.

Your friend is best advised to be honest about the extent of any previous dv that has occurred in the home and act on any suggestions that SS make with regard to his ds's welfare.

Original poster
emmie78 · 18/10/2011 12:45

Fortunately neither of them have any serious injuries.

SS are here now and have said that she is to have no immediate contact with DS and when she does it will be supervised access only.
He says he feels awful that he has separated a mother from her child and it is the worse thing in the world you could do. I have tried telling him it isn?t his fault but he?s pretty upset right now.

He is also concerned that once she is told that she can?t see DS she will flip and make accusations against him and he will be put in foster care (she is unhinged in my opinion and has serious issues with alcohol).

Apparently she gets family tax credits paid into her bank account today which will probably go straight on alcohol. Is it a simple process to get this changed and get future payments paid direct to him?

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 12:56

You're here Apocolypto, and, at the time of writing, I can see another of your ilk which accounts for two of the usual suspects.

I suggest you make contact with your other club members and ask them to account for their absence.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 18/10/2011 12:58

Does the child's mother have a history of alcohol abuse?

Thzumbazombiewitch · 18/10/2011 13:11

emmie, explain to your friend that the worst thing you can do to a child is to leave them in the care of someone who is likely to harm them - whether that is their mother or not.
In this case, the mother presents a clear danger to the child's wellbeing, especially while under alcoholic influence - so it is kinder to keep him safe.

Re. the counter-accusations, that could get interesting but there would probably need to be evidence of any accusations she makes before the SS decide against leaving the son in his father's custody.

bubblegumpop · 18/10/2011 13:25

That is no surprise. I had a friend in that exact same position near enough. The mother was denied contact with the child immediately, unless supervised. So I could see that happening, straight away, due to the level of violence.

He shouldn't be ashamed, upset or anything else. This is her doing. He should be relieved his child does not have to witness such outbursts.

Considering she has now got form as well, counter accusations are quite common, ss, will take it as they see it. They aren't stupid, she is the only one with form here atm. They won't be rushing to take the child of him at all.

WRT ctc, he needs to inform HMRC immediately, get the claim made from joint to single and paid into his account. He needs to also tell child benefit separately. SS can help in the short term, with finances, such as vouchers. If he struggles in the mean time.

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