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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex question

26 replies

bitofapersonalquestion · 17/10/2011 07:56

I suppose I am interested in ahem, length of time it takes your partner.

DP is very quick. Mostly he literally only lasts seconds but never more than a couple of minutes at the maximum. I have rarely had an orgasm through intercourse in previous relationships anyway, so we "sort me out" first and this generally works well.

He seems happy enough and seems to think that he is perfectly normal and that the only men who last longer than a minute or so are in porn films.

If I'm honest I do miss the intimacy of intercourse even though it didn't really hit all the right buttons for me. I suppose I wonder if it would be nicer for him to have it last a bit longer too? Sometimes it feels a bit clinical, that I am "done" and then he just puts it in to sort himself out. Sorry, if that's a bit too much information for a Monday morning!

OP posts:
Gay40 · 17/10/2011 08:37

Even I know this isn't normal.

Cheeptrickortreat · 17/10/2011 08:44

Its not normal.

You need to talk to him and maybe make it a game of how long he can holdout for to make it last longer?

Fairyloo · 17/10/2011 08:46

@gay that's helpful!!

Similar experience here op and I'm bloody glad, better things to do in all honesty. My dh lasts bit longer then seconds but a few mins is all I want

Malificence · 17/10/2011 11:24

It's not normal, he's missing out on great sex along with you.
You need to change the way you have sex, the fact that he gives you an orgasm first is giving him permission to come quickly.
A few minutes is "normal" for full on , fast thrusting, so you need to slow it right down, get on top and figure out what works best, i.e. slow grinding etc.
Your normal way of sex sounds so, well, boring tbh.

Once he's had great, slow, long lasting, intimate sex and a slow-burning orgasm, he won't want to go back when he realises what he's been missing.

Original poster
bitofapersonalquestion · 17/10/2011 13:17

I have tried what is suggested above but a couple of small wiggles and its over. I've tried stopping but sometimes it still happens anyway. When we first got together it took him a while to be able to manage it at all which I put down to stage fright and was very patient.

He says his ex was up for it all the time (there are other reasons why this has been mentioned between us, he wasn't boasting) which makes me wonder if I shouldn't mind.

We do lots of varied things so its not boring but I always feel like i'm dealing with an uncontrolled undetonated hand grenade! Lol

He is either burying his head in the sand or he just thinks everything is great.

OP posts:
mummakaz · 17/10/2011 13:55

I agree with others, it isn't normal...have you tried using a condom? sometimes that can slow things down. You can buy 'delay' creams but I don't know if they work or not, cock rings are supposed to help too. 'Love honey' sell some on there website called 'China Brush Delay Solution 3ml' it's pricey at £8.99 but it has good reviews (there are cheaper ones on there) :)

Original poster
bitofapersonalquestion · 17/10/2011 14:03

I tried condoms when we were first together. They stopped play altogether. I'm going to try and talk to him and see if we can try some thing else. Trouble is i'm a bit scared I'll frighten him off.

OP posts:
confidence · 17/10/2011 14:04

I wouldn't be too worried about "normality" personally. Everyone's different, and it's hard enough to sustain a mutually satisfying sex life without trying to match it up to expectations from outside the relationship. What matters is that you are both happy and reasonably satisfied, not that you're like everyone else.

It's certainly very common for women not to orgasm during intercourse itself, and to find satisfaction separately from it.

It's unclear from your OP to what extent the brevity of intercourse is a problem for you, and to what extent you worry that it's a problem for him. If you miss intimacy, does this have to be through intercourse? Could the process of "sorting you out beforehand" be longer, more gradual or whatever? Some women would consider as much of that as they want, with minimal intercourse alongside it, as their dream come true.

If it's about his experience, I wouldn't worry too much unless he says it's a problem. You could try going a second round, which usually takes the man considerably longer. But don't feel you "ought" to unless either or both of you really want to.

Malificence · 17/10/2011 14:09

So by the sound of it, you're not having a lot of sex then?
Frequent sex is the only answer in all honesty, anything less than once or twice a week will likely be a problem for him, he sounds over eager due to not having very much sex.
Try having sex every day for a week and see if it slows him down any.

mumofamonkey · 17/10/2011 14:16

i have to say i agree, hair-trigger trouble often occurs because of too much anticipation, regular sex might help a bit, having him see to himself beforehand might also help, might be worth a go. Wink

villagegossip · 17/10/2011 14:17

Have you tried using your hands and or mouth on him first until he finishes? Then you and he can enjoy full sex together without feeling that you have to be "sorted out" and he may last longer?

Try not to see it as something that needs to be over and done with and set aside time if you can to play around together and find out what works. If it's game over too soon, well then build up slowly again Smile

izzywhizzysfritenite · 17/10/2011 17:41

Loads of sex - morning and night every day or 3 times a night at weekends (or week nights if there's no need to get up for work in the morning) - should sort your 'problem'.

flatbellyfella · 17/10/2011 20:21

Are your "juices " acidic? sometimes the tingling sensation on the penis is so strong they induce an instant ejaculation ,
An old method to stop premature ejaculation was to penetrate then withdraw squeeze with finger & thumb quite firmly behind the penis head for a short while then re enter, keep doing this , see if it slows him up. When he masters it he should be able to keep it up for hours ,(if needed). The Ann Summers delay cream does work .

nocake · 17/10/2011 20:34

On the odd occasion when I've been that quick, normally when DW has been busy with her hand before penetration, she takes the piss and asks if I'm 18 again Grin

MangoMonster · 17/10/2011 20:36

I don't think it's normal but there are techniques to slow it down.

heleninahandcart · 17/10/2011 22:05

Some of suggestions on here may work but if your DP has premature ejaculation this is usually psychological. In this case even sex all day would still get hair trigger sex all day.

Suggest you try some of the ideas here and ultimately he should be responsible for learning to control his own orgasm/fine some techniques that work for him

ArtyFartyPants · 17/10/2011 22:17

I used to have this problem with my DP, annoying as it was, he'd keep stopping just so he wouldn't ejaculate fast. Which in turn spoilt the heat of the moment for me. He has now 'trained' himself to only ejaculate a small amount, which allows him to carry on for at least 20mins+!!!! Grin

RubyPink · 17/10/2011 22:19

My DH has had this problem all of our married life (long time) and I have come to the conclusion it is psychological. What gets me is that he has never really tried to do anything about it... and now even complains about 'sorting me out' first because it makes it less exciting for him!
He seems to be in denial that he has a problem as with so many things.

RubyPink · 17/10/2011 22:20

Plus every time he started he would say 'sorry this isn't going to last long'... talk about a passion killer!

zombiebillysolloxx · 17/10/2011 22:39

he can train himself to last longer though masterbation.
Also tell him you would like more forplay to prolong your pleasure maybe say that you would like to cum first instead for a change also an old trick is when his jack the lad is standing to attention drape a wet hand towel (while hes stood up) over his mister then tell him to flex his doodaa up and down he should know what you mean by that if he does this a few times a week he will strengthen his muscle (cant remember what its called) down there and will find it way easier to hold off a premature explosion.
Read up on tantrick sex too theres some great tips for prolonging sex as long as you want to. Hope this makes sense if he does this right it will work.

zombiebillysolloxx · 17/10/2011 22:48

if all else fails two extra safe jonnies he wont be sensative at all with two of them bad boys on [hgrin] good luck OP you should be screaming down the house in no time (or should that be more time nerr mind) [hwink]

Selks · 17/10/2011 22:53

It might help if he has a wank an hour or so before you have sex....but I guess that takes the spontaneity out of things. But I know some guys do this if they feel they might be on a 'hair trigger' otherwise.

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 23:37

Have you tried squeezing the base of his penis (quite hard) just before he comes? It's supposed to roll things back, as it were, so you can carry on. Probably best if he does it himself - but if he won't, you try it.

The other things I can think of all require him to be on board with the project: good old "think of something boring"; low-penetration positions; Tantric sex; the CAT technique; pelvic floor exercises.

If he doesn't actually believe you when you say it might be better another way, then there's a bit of a mutuality problem here and I'm not surprised you've got ishoos :( I agree, it's a good idea to switch things around so he "does" you afterwards, if nothing else because it'll be a change and might prompt some others. Good luck.

Original poster
bitofapersonalquestion · 21/10/2011 07:22

Thanks for replies. Dp and I have sex roughly every other day. When e have had it every day or even twice a day its no different. He says can't cum again any time soon after he has had an orgasm so we would have to leave it half a day.

I tried asking him the other night how I could make it last longer for him and he just looked at me blankly and said he just wanted me to orgasm first.

I too think its psychological and he doesn't wasn't to admit there's a problem.

OP posts:
Beaverfeaver · 21/10/2011 08:38

I agree with the odd few comments saying how everyones different and what only matters is if you are happy.

I don't last long myself at all and find it hard to hold off until DP does. Luckily being female I can hide it better!