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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends husbands strangeness spilling over. Worried

38 replies

lolaflores · 16/10/2011 16:27

Friend has borderline abusive (erm not sure how to define that) with H. he has strange views on what constitutes family life. Basically, no one but wife looks after him. She has new baby Hmm and is tired. I offered to collect her DS from school with my DD and come to mine for a bit of a play after school

All hell erupted at hers later when he learned of this. He was verbally very abusive to her about letting this happen. Accused her of being a liar and a cheat as she had not said anything to him, delivering all this tirade as she breast fed little one. . Because of his work, he is able to be with them at morning drop off. To say I got some dirty looks is an understatment. Mean while she was in the middle blithering about something to try an lift the general air of pissed of emenating from him. She later told me what had happened.

In conclusion, I shall not offer again. She has left him before and they are in a nearly permanent state of crisis. I am fucked off that his aggression is seeping into my life. She knows where I stand regards him, I have made efforts to get to know him, but choke on anything further than civillity. I also feel aggrieved at her for some reason. Want to kick the pair of them

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 16/10/2011 16:32

Really sorry, I'm not sure I understand. When you say no-one looks after him but wife, do you mean DH or DS?

Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 16:39

Sorry, meant the DS. Got away with meself there. He did not want DS going to pre-school or her returning to work. the child has never spent a night away from them.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 16/10/2011 16:41

So you want to kick your friend who is in an abusive relationship. What a lovely supportive friend you are.

Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 16:46

I want to kick both of them. I have supported her through leaving him, through endless nights of shit, through his tantrums and I am a bit fucked off about becoming a target for him too. How much is enough? Does my safety have to be compromised too?

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 16:49

By the way, kick both of them was merely a figure of speech. I am not in the business of physically assaulting people.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 16/10/2011 16:56

Doesn't sound, from what you have written, that your safety is comprom
ised?

What do you want to do?

GypsyMoth · 16/10/2011 16:58

What do you mean about 'your safety'?

bejeezus · 16/10/2011 16:58

As someone just exiting an abusive relationship, I am glad you are not my friend

Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 17:02

he looked at me like I was mud. She was between us and I very much got the feeling that had she not been around I would have received much more. It was horrible

i don't know what to do is the problem. He seems to think I am part of a conspiricy to undermine him and that the pair of us are in cahoots. This is how he sees life. Him against the world. I am worried that I have attracted his ire by simply having the kid round to play

OP posts:
MollieO · 16/10/2011 17:07

I don't see how being giving a look affects your life. It sounds as if your friend is in great need of your friendship. However if you feel you are unable to provide this because of looks from her dh then you better be honest and let her know now. Personally I'm rather Hmm that you seem to place being looked at in an odd way above being supportive to your friend.

Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 17:14

I sort of feel burnt out by it all to be honest. The relentless fighting and clashes that seem to go on and on without any resolution and then this. I suppose I don't understand how she can continue with this level of aggression from him all the time. It is wearing me down. I was trying to be supportive by having DS round to play and it seems to have caused more grief. I don't want to be the source of more shit for her, but it seems I am without meaning to.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 16/10/2011 17:18

Well you probably have pissed him off. Abusive men tend to want to isolate their partners so they have no support, therefore it is harder for them to leave. So being there for your friend is most probably annoying him.

If you're scared of him and all you've received is a dirty look, imagine how scared your friend must feel of him. Don't you think it would be so much harder for her if she then lost you as her friend?

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 17:18

can you still see and support your friend without seeing her dh? i wouldn't fancy being on the receiving end of a load of aggro and scary stares either!

KatieMortician · 16/10/2011 17:23

I can understand your frustration. She is your friend and you want her away from an abusive situation but she won't leave. That must be very difficult and now you are feeling more involved than you have chosen to be.

At the moment it's just a few dirty looks - are you worried it will escalate?

susiedaisy · 16/10/2011 17:27

I can see where your coming from OP and if she is going to be shouted at when you offer then I would stand back a bit, let her know you are there for her if she needs you but don't step in and offer to do things anymore, just be there patiently on the sidelines, like someone else said abusive partners isolate their spouse and hate their spouses friends as it undermines them and shows the abused person that there is life outside of the abusive relationship, until your friend decides for herself that she had had enough, which may takes many years sadly there not much more you can doSad

MollieO · 16/10/2011 17:29

Sounds really hard. Can you talk to your friend about how to offer support without it having an adverse effect on her?

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 17:37

One way to look at this is: You're feeling worn out, pissed off and scared by some sporadic, second-hand abuse from this charmer. Imagine what it's like getting it all the time, first-hand and all to yourself! No wonder she hasn't the energy to get him out of their lives.

He's a bully. All bullies act tougher than they are. When you see him again, give him the hard stare and a curl of the lip ... and greet your friend & DC warmly. No, he won't like it. Really, are you going to alter the kind of person you are because some bloke doesn't like it??

In your shoes, I'd carry on having DS if there's no immediate danger of his beating the shit out of his wife for it. Apart from anything else, the child will benefit from regular acquaintance with a normal home & family life.

I would also have a stonking go at him, aiming to get his respect by the only means that works on bullies (threats of violence) and would try to get a big bloke for backup, to add realism to my threats! I only say that after a lifetime of being bullied, though, so don't expect many would do the same.
I do feel most would do the rest - continuing to offer support and ignoring the fucker.

bejeezus · 16/10/2011 17:41

If you can't deal with getting bad looks off her H then do her a favour and leave her and 'the kid' alone. The last thing she needs is you causing drama that she can feel guilty about.

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 17:44

Oh, Lola, she's got a baby so she's got a health visitor, right? Has she talked to her/him about the weirdness at home?

Original poster
lolaflores · 16/10/2011 18:04

Erm Bejeezus I believe the drama queen here is her shit of a husband. I feel sucked into the shit storm he creates.

I do worry that any stepping out of line on her behalf will actually result in more crap at home. I have only seen some of what he can get up to. And I do believe he is an absolute tyrant at home when the doors are closed.

Her health visitor has got the notes from previous episodes, but I don't know if she has opened up about recent behaviour. She went back before and doesn't feel that she deserves any help now. He is isolating her, totally.

I am a bit scared of him tbh.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 18:51

lola , I really feel for you. I think you have got a bit of a hard time on this thread (but I am of course coming in late...so it can read very differently then)

are you thinking perhaps you need to distance yourelf slightly before you get sucked further into their toxic relationship ?

and yes, he is the fucking problem and we know many people do stay too long, or totally frustrtae their friends/family by constantly saying it's the end but then taking them back. But their relationship is toxic...

I had a similar experience a while ago with my best friend

I was frustrated beyond belief and it was affecting our friendship. I was also aware I was sooooo insanely angry with him, and was able to see his behaviour in ways that she could not (at the time) that it was only a matter of time before I completely played in his hands.

you see he wanted me to have the almighty row that would push her into choosing between us...him or staying friends with me

so I did back off a little bit....but with the express knowledge for her that I was available if the situation changed in any way

playing the longer game helped...she did eventually see sense and we are still good friends

you cannot force someone to see what you see...it will come eventually, and the best thing you could do now is to preserve your friendship in the best way you can, without compromising your own life and your own sense of what is safe for you

good luck x

AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 18:52

into his hands

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 20:23

I see what you mean.

Yes, it is all very well for me to be cocky sitting here in my kitchen! But I could, then, cause a rift and make things harder for her. So I guess the right thing to do is back-pedal a bit and find ways to still be friends.

All the same, Lola, I hope your pal can be encouraged to talk openly with her HV.

garlicScaresVampires · 16/10/2011 20:24

(That was badly written. I couldn't cause a rift by sitting in my kitchen ... [hblush])

AnyPhantomFucker · 16/10/2011 20:30

ha ! the kitchen warrior ! Grin

lola..you still there ?