Friends husbands strangeness spilling over. Worried

[lolaflores]

Friend has borderline abusive (erm not sure how to define that) with H. he has strange views on what constitutes family life. Basically, no one but wife looks after him. She has new baby and is tired. I offered to collect her DS from school with my DD and come to mine for a bit of a play after school

All hell erupted at hers later when he learned of this. He was verbally very abusive to her about letting this happen. Accused her of being a liar and a cheat as she had not said anything to him, delivering all this tirade as she breast fed little one. . Because of his work, he is able to be with them at morning drop off. To say I got some dirty looks is an understatment. Mean while she was in the middle blithering about something to try an lift the general air of pissed of emenating from him. She later told me what had happened.

In conclusion, I shall not offer again. She has left him before and they are in a nearly permanent state of crisis. I am fucked off that his aggression is seeping into my life. She knows where I stand regards him, I have made efforts to get to know him, but choke on anything further than civillity. I also feel aggrieved at her for some reason. Want to kick the pair of them

sorry lads, there was a computer problem here last night. thanks for all the input people.

I am frustrated by it and that is getting in the way of being just friends. He limits her life so much, there has to be all this nonsense over the simplest things. But, I will ask her to talk to her HV. Or at least go to the local women's centre. You can do no more than that. I don't mind being a bit told off by folk on here. I kind of lost it when he starts pulling faces at me and I'm not even fucking married to him! Possible over reaction from me.....ooohhh thats a first. I wish it would just stop.

Have a look at WA site on supporting experiencing abuse. Is there a time when you can see your friend during the day? He is making you angry so you are getting a little taste of what she probably experiences most of the time - a passive/aggressive way of curtailing her life outside the relationship and putting her into a position where she can't help. Take some time out and think what you can do to help = you can't push her to deciding what to do, she needs to work through this in her own time, but be supportive if you feel you can. Perhaps meet her and DCs in the park after school? Or say you are there for practical help but really can't cope with listening to the ins and outs of her relationship.

@ garlicscaresvampires

He's a bully. All bullies act tougher than they are.

I'm not convinced this common myth is true.

In my experience, bullies are often bullies because they are genuinely in a stronger place than everyone else and enjoy the opportunities this brings.

The male bullies I remember from school were physically stronger than those they bullied and quite happy to beat others up if challenged. The female bullies always had a coterie of other bullies who were their mates and supported the bullying. Actually, so did the males. They were both quite large groups of loud kids who regarded themselves as popular. 10 to 12 such individuals can make 100 others' lives wretched, because the 100 others are divided and individually weak.

Real life isn't Tom Brown's Schooldays. Just like whistleblowers in the workplace, standing up against bullies is likely to leave you worse off. Escape is the better strategy - leave the school, the workplace, the relationship.

I have backtracked on this thread, Apocalypto. But let me tell you about my ex-boss, who was a narcissistic monster named Peter. He gaslighted, stole my work, insulted me in public, raged at full volume, alienated my clients, spread false rumours about me, issued veiled threats, etc, etc, etc. I was the latest in a long string of victims and I got him fired when he did it to my replacment.

The guys at work told me they admired my 'strength and dignity' (which, as I was simultaneously being 'strong and dignified' wrt my husband, gave me a massive breakdown). They also told me what they'd done when he started on them: they physically attacked him. Boss was a tall and muscular man - much fitter than the others - but, it turns out, was terrified of real violence. (Perhaps he was scared of damage to his handsome face.) Point being, I had no idea these men had also been Peter's targets because a single attacked had been completely successful.

I'm aware, too, that my bastard of a father was susceptible to physical violence and used myself when I was big enough - he "respected" me (his term) after I knocked him out. I have other stories.

I didn't say bullies are cowards, or poor little misunderstoods, etc. Bullies only understand the language of bullying, and interpret 'respect' to mean fear. In order to stop them, you must frighten them more than they frighten you.

Apols for typos in the above. I must also stress that I'm talking about adult bullies. Strategies have to be modified with children, as there are opportunities to alter the course of their development.

@ garlic

fair enough, but surely your bullying boss was able to be a bully because most of the time he was in the stronger position, i.e. your boss?

I have had one lying, bullying, thieving boss and he got away with it because he was regarded as a bit of a character by his peers. I lost my job over completely fabricated "non performance", he's still going strong.

This was my recollection of bullying at school. It was done by people in a position of strength, whether physically or socially, by groups of people who applauded the bullying.

the lone and cowardly bully may exist but I've never met him.

Yes, of course, and that reinforces my point. The bully gathers authority and support so as to carry on bullying. To her/him, respect means fear. So the only way to make them respect you is to frighten them. I thought my last para summed that up; not sure whether we disagree at all! [hconfused]

no probably not, I am just suggesting that physically standing up to a physical bully may be a bad idea....to an office bully maybe different.

it's not strictly related but years ago I was in a car with a friend of mine. She was driving. We were cut up by a woman in another car, who then wound down the window and started hurling foul mouthed abuse at her. During a pause my friend stared at the other driver and said, in a completely even tone of voice, "you know what? you are going to die poor".

honestly I have never seen anyone literally speechless. her mouth was opening and shutting but no words were coming out - it was a completely unexpected retort. she could have exchanged abuse like a fishwife all day but had no answer to someone telling her fortune and you could see she actually believed it....

same thing in a way...do the unexpected but don't trade the same sort of abuse.

Great story!

Your poor friend.
The only thing you can do is be there when she really does have the strength to leave him.

Have you thought of referring her to this message board, lola?
It's a bad time on here ... but that means there are loads of threads she could relate to.

apocalyto

She dips in and out, but I don't know if she would discuss it. Maybe she has and kept it to herself?!