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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this what marriage is like?

99 replies

sickofhusband · 14/10/2011 17:59

We have been together 17 years ,married for 10 and have got to the stage where we can't communicate any more.
On an evening he goes on pc and listens to music on earphones and that's it no nice conversations or anything.
If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off , on a weekend i do the kids stuff he never wants to join us.
When we go out as a family quite often he's sat messing with his phone and doesn't want to be there.
If i try to discuss things he gets quite abusive and threatens me ,he has hit me before too.
He thinks he has the right to a fantastic sex life and if i say no he gets in a mood and sometimes he ignores me and does it anyway.
Iam about to start some councilling sessions to get my head straight, but wondered am i over reacting or is this all common in a marriage?
This is my only adult relationship so i have no other point of reference.
I just want a relationship where i'm treated as an equal and respected , am i asking too much or thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere?
We have 3 children so that's why ive stayed this far but to be honest it's killing me.

OP posts:
DizzyPurple · 14/10/2011 18:02

No, this is not what a good marriage should be. It sounds like he has no respect for you. If you want to try and improve things see if you can get some marriage guidance together. If he's not willing to try seriously consider splitting. Good luck.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 14/10/2011 18:05

No. Being told to "fuck off" is not what marriage is like. Nor is being threatened. Nor is being hit. Nor is raping you.

You are being abused.

HazleNutt · 14/10/2011 18:05

No, in normal relationships people don't tell their partner to fuck off, they don't threaten, hit and they don't rape! Yes, if you say no and he does it anyway, then that's rape.

Yes, everybody has the right to be in a loving, respectful relationship. Most relationships are like that, you just don't hear about the nice ones as much.

And a father who hits and abuses the mother is not a good father.

Please get help.

tranquilitygardens · 14/10/2011 18:07

Someone has kindly put a link to the bill of rights in relationships, that should answer your qeustions.

Xales · 14/10/2011 18:07

If i try to discuss things he gets quite abusive and threatens me ,he has hit me before too. This is abuse

He thinks he has the right to a fantastic sex life and if i say no he gets in a mood and sometimes he ignores me and does it anyway. This is rape.

You are not over reacting in the slightest. In fact from the way you have posted on here I think you are under reacting!

Be totally honest during your sessions! Good luck

LoveInAColdGrave · 14/10/2011 18:08

God, no. Not even a bit. I was expecting you to say that the spark had worn off a bit, not that he was an abusive, raping arsehole. Please, please take action to change this - marriage counselling at the very least, although TBH he sounds so appalling that I think I would have to leave.

IWantWine · 14/10/2011 18:09

Oh dear :( No that isnt right. I have put up with so much for so many years as well so I know how it grinds you down and how it becomes 'normal'. And to be honest I doubt very much if your DH will ever consider marriage guidance, (but I may be wrong).

I would get some counselling for yourself, it helped me enormously, and then decide what you want to do. Knowing what I know now though, I wish I had set a lot of money aside for myself and I urge you to do so wherever/whenever you can.

eurochick · 14/10/2011 18:11

Completely agree with Xales.

Marital rape was made a crime years ago you know. Nice men don't rape their wives when they are not in the mood. Nice men don't hit their wives. This is not normal relationship behaviour.

Pagwatch · 14/10/2011 18:11

Good grief no.

This is not even close to an acceptable relationship.

Don't question yourself. Terrible behaviour by him.

Original poster
sickofhusband · 14/10/2011 18:22

Thanks i have just read the bill of rights it's very helpful .
I knew it wasn't normal but am just not sure how i arrived at this place , ive mentioned it before and he won't leave ,i can't leave as i do work but couldn't afford to rent a place also i'm a childminder so don't know if i could do this in rented.
I'm still fairly young and could start again , i just want a proper life not one where everyone just thinks i'm really jolly and happy but i can't tell them the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofhusband · 14/10/2011 18:23

Also when ive mentioned his behaviour he looks at me like i'm mad and it's completely normal , he says i'm a spoilt brat as he gives me anything i want in the material sense.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/10/2011 19:00

He is a shit. Talk to Women's Aid they will help you either get him out of the house or find somewhere for yourself and DC to live. Don't waste another second worrying about how to please him and make him into a nice partner, he isn't a nice man and isn't capable of being one.
While you may have to placate him temporarily to keep yourself safe, devote all your energies to getting rid of him. He has threatened you, hit you and raped you, you stand a good chance of getting him removed from the home and forbidden to return.

HerScaryness · 14/10/2011 19:02

OP, oh my X would remind me how lucky I was to be in one of the most prestigious addresses in the city, overlooking an ancient harbour.

It was a golden cage FFS!

WRT your work, OF COURSE you can do childminding in rented accommodation! as long as you have permission!

My neighbour recently let out her own home, it's too small, and has rented another around the corner which has more space.

Please read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That.

Oh and don't expect a Eureka moment from your H. He has his entire life invested in keeping you subservient, controlled and on a short lead.

Sorry to tell you, but you won't ever have a proper life while you give this man space in it. he'll destroy every joy there is in your life, and it'll make HIM happy to watch you get sadder and sadder and sadder, because then he'll be happier and greater than you. He can't raise his sad little game, so he has to destroy yours.

BE the spoilt brat! BE the FEISTY one, BE outspoken, BE every single word these controlling manipulative bullies use to try and smack us back down to the level they think we should be at.

Keep posting, keep talking, we'll be with you all the way.

Have you found the emotional abuse support thread 5 on here? pop by and say hello.

TheSecondComing · 14/10/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 14/10/2011 19:12

Dear God no Shock

What you've described is absolutely, categorically not what marriage is like. I've been with DH for 17 years too, and thought that your post was going to be along the usual lines of him not doing enough to help around the house. What you've described sounds hideous - you need to start thinking about leaving him before he destroys what's left of you. Have you thought about calling Women's Aid to start things moving?

Good luck - you don't have to put up with him for one more day, nor should you have to.

mathanxiety · 14/10/2011 19:14

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Keep ringing if they can't answer first time, They are often busy.

The only thing you can change about this situation is where you are/where he is. He will not change unless he gets hit by some sort of bolt of lightning. It is up to you to make a careful plan and leave, or explore what can be done about giving him the heave ho. Those are your options. Don't waste any more time trying to find some middle path. You will be fine and so will the DCs once he is physically apart from you and you have got back on your feet emotionally. He will be obliged to provide financial support.

Please tell the truth to people you know. Smiling protects no-one but him. No-one will judge you or find you lacking. You might be surprised how many people have guessed.

Post here about it -- it might help to put words on it before you start opening up to actual RL people.

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 19:16

Honey, save yourself as much money as you can, fritter it away in a savings account, leave this fucking arsehole he is an abusive, manipulating shit and you deserve better.

You are living a god awful life, I'd certainly not sleep with someone who never interacted with me, who treated me like shit on their shoe.

Move into a childs bedroom immediatley, cease to share his bed. If he hits you call the police get him done for assault.

exoticfruits · 14/10/2011 19:16

It isn't normal-it isn't acceptable in any way. Take the advice that others have given.

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 19:20

If he has sex with you against your will, that is rape. Nothing you describe in your marriage is normal or acceptable. He's a rapist and an abuser.

Pollykitten · 14/10/2011 19:27

This is appalling, you poor thing. At best you can feel sorry for him, spoilt depressed child that he is, but worse he is a joyless bully. Life is meant to be enjoyed and no-one has the right to make your life into a grey desert. You already know the answer to your question, right? Enacting is more difficult, because you need to find the reserves of energy to make a plan, sort some money out (can you borrow off a family member or friend?) and take decisive action. Have no doubt, when you leave, he will say he can't manage without you and is sorry etc etc - but NOTHING will change if you relent. In an ideal world, get him out of your house, but failing that, get yourself out - life is too short to let someone rob you of it like this. Once you have taken action, you will find all kinds of strength and support. You have to be brave.

bellsring · 14/10/2011 19:29

OP, from what you have said - NO, he will never treat you as an equal and respect you. And yes, they do think they have the right to a fantastic sex life, and, understandably when you don't respond naturally and freely as you would in a healthy sexual relationship, they complain that sex with you is rubbish, boring, no fun. He will get away with as much as he is able to - that's the truth.

HerScaryness is right. He will thrive on seeing you getting sadder and sadder; it will increase his sense of power. It's just about control - not love.

tranquilitygardens · 14/10/2011 19:30

I agree with FabbyChic, minus the moving into the kids room, as that will alert him you are planning to leave, which is the most dangerous time.

Get your birth certs/passports/bankbooks and cards that type of thing put aside with some cash, and essentials for you and the kids, if you can get them to someone's house, before you leave.

Be carefull, don't let him know you are going.

Women's aid will advise you.

Original poster
sickofhusband · 16/10/2011 09:08

Thanks for all the support, i think i didn't realise for a long time what was happening as it was kind of spread out over the years it wasn't like i was being beaten up every day/week.
He has harmed me physically probably about 10 times in our relationship but if we argued he always pushes me about and tries to scare me .
Ive read some of the lundy book and he has done a lot of it the driving dangerously etc.
Because it's spaced out i just thaught i was over reacting , before the summer it had been a year since and i thought i had managed to get through to him .
At the beginning of summer we had woken up and he wanted sex i had to get up to get the kids ready as they do activities on a saturday morning so said no , he went mad pushed me out of the bed and started kicking me , i just waited for it to stop then got dressed and took the kids out and this scared the hell out of me as i just accepted it like it was normal.
When i got home he just kissed my head and that was it no sorry nothing only just to say me turning him down is hurting him and what am i doing to him?
At the end of summer we went on holiday and on the last day we argued over i had done something very trivial he didn't like ,we were at breakfast in a room full of people and i refused to do something to rectify this as it was ridicolous so he started ranting at me grabbed hold of my arm and started dragging me out to try and get me back to the room i managed to get away and took the kids to the pool but felt utterly humiliated like a child. it was then i realised i needed to change things.
The problem is we have never finished our house and i have kind of been waiting for that ,it's an extremly sore point something we cant discuss as he gets irrate , if i want to ask when something is going to happen i have to think for ages what i'm going to say etc
Anyway now we are having the work done but it's his father doing it and i feel if i ask him to leave now he'll stop the work and it will never get sorted.

OP posts:
clam · 16/10/2011 09:14

So use the time to prepare, as tranquility said.

This sounds horrendous. So sorry.

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