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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this what marriage is like?

99 replies

sickofhusband · 14/10/2011 17:59

We have been together 17 years ,married for 10 and have got to the stage where we can't communicate any more.
On an evening he goes on pc and listens to music on earphones and that's it no nice conversations or anything.
If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off , on a weekend i do the kids stuff he never wants to join us.
When we go out as a family quite often he's sat messing with his phone and doesn't want to be there.
If i try to discuss things he gets quite abusive and threatens me ,he has hit me before too.
He thinks he has the right to a fantastic sex life and if i say no he gets in a mood and sometimes he ignores me and does it anyway.
Iam about to start some councilling sessions to get my head straight, but wondered am i over reacting or is this all common in a marriage?
This is my only adult relationship so i have no other point of reference.
I just want a relationship where i'm treated as an equal and respected , am i asking too much or thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere?
We have 3 children so that's why ive stayed this far but to be honest it's killing me.

OP posts:
bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 13:10

justonemorethread - was in a similar situation to OP. I stayed and tried to stand up for myself - end result, I was disposed of by ex. And, OP, he said to me when he reluctantly had to inconvenience himself by deciding to leave - I could have "hacked" it. That's how much the marriage meant to him. Reality check.

justonemorethread · 17/10/2011 13:25

Bullies - Ok, so it could also go that way, fair enough. However - do you feel better off without him now?

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 13:39

Mine left me, too. I just wasn't obedient enough for him ... His actual word was "grateful" [hhmm]

I still had to 'help' him divorce me, though!

Original poster
sickofhusband · 17/10/2011 13:48

Justonemore i was 18 when we got together and he was lovely for a few years ,the first time something happened was when we were drunk so i excused it .
All was well for a while no physical violence but he would accuse me of seeing others etc ,we moved in together and all was well a few months before our marriage the accusations started again but no violence.
Our first child was born 18months after we married and a few months after the accusations started again ,our 2nd child was born 18months later and it got bad for a while constant accusations etc then some violence but i was financially dependant on him ,i tried to leave but couldn't find the information i needed and ended up staying . He would be ok for ages before anything else happened obviously my 3rd child was concieved in a good period and wasn't planned he didn't want another baby but wasn't violent just nasty and did threaten me.
I thought i was going in to labour a couple of days before my planned c section and he still went to southend to watch football (we live up north) so he wouldn't have been able to get back.
Things have declined rapidly since her birth he loves her to bits but doesn't do anything with the kids so i may as well be on my own.
I think i was young niave and incredably stupid but to me all this became normal so when abuse was suggested i was very shocked and feel like i'm just waking up ,god only knows why i accepted it i just did!

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofhusband · 17/10/2011 13:50

And to be honest i don't think he will actually care about loosing me as someone who kicks their wife isn't feeling love.

OP posts:
bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 13:53

Hard to say. Overwhelming feelings of anger towards him and feeling of being a very STUPID person for the timebeing because I let him get away with so much.

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 13:56

sickofhusband - if he is like my ex, he wouldn't give a s... about it, just how it will affect him financially and with the dc.

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 13:59

And no, if he kicks you, and there are no consequences for him, then not only does he value you so little that he will kick you if he wants to with no fear of losing you, but he will know when he did it, there was no comeback, so he can do it again if he gets pissed off with you.

justonemorethread · 17/10/2011 14:05

Well, I wish no one would have to go through what you (and bullies) have gone through. From my very distant, chat on mumsnet point of view, I think you would be soo much better without him. And should not kick yourself for having put up with it, we all, to a larger or lesser degree, accept things that we know we shouldn't. It really does sound as that part of his character was there from the beginning and is not just a 'phase', although it probably has got worse with the years (his excuse I'd guess - 'the stress of having 3 small children...' no excuse for his behaviour!)

I'm sure you will have friends (unless he managed to also alienate you from them) and/or family that will support you through this. If you open up to someone close you may be very pleasantly surprised by the reaction you get. Infact I really think you should open up to someone you can talk to, apart from a counsellor.

I really really hope you manage to sort it out quickly so that you can enjoy your life and your children to the fullest!

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:06

OP, he ignores it and does it anyway - he won't value any woman, as a human being, as he is capable of doing this.

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:15

garlic - in what context did he use 'grateful'? Grateful he stayed with you, grateful he was leaving?

garlicScaresVampires · 17/10/2011 14:23

It was his thing. Apparently he liked that I was grateful Confused
I took this to mean I'm well-mannered, as you would, but it very slowly dawned that his idea of gratitude was unquestioning loyalty. He said the dogs were 'grateful', which was a bit of a giveaway!
I stopped taking all his shit lying down, so obviously I wasn't grateful enough [hhmm]

With some prompting, he divorced me for emotional abuse. Fair enough Wink

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:26

Typical, garlic, twisting it round to portray you as the baddie.

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:31

Garlic, not only was I not grateful, I was not obedient enough. Unquestioning loyalty, yes, no matter what treatment you get, and, even after you've received whatever treatment, it didn't happen in the first place, you (I) was making it all up, so I was a liar too, and had mental problems.

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:33

[hconfused][hhmm]

bulliesclearoff · 17/10/2011 14:52

sickof husband - the traits in his character were probably there at the start, but very subtle, your only relationship, and these bad behaviours creep in, gradually, quite often. And now a light has been switched on for you where you can see more and more things he does which are not right.

Counselling would be good, though, to talk through this with someone in RL, and help you process it because it can be quite mindblowing. And you need support from friends, family.

Original poster
sickofhusband · 17/10/2011 16:12

Thanks i've booked in for some more counselling and also one rl friend knows,she has known a while and can't wait for me to get out.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 17/10/2011 16:19

Call the Women's Aid 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247. You need a free half hour session with a solicitor who's up to speed on family law and divorce and WA will be able to point you in the right direction.

If he threatens you or is violent again, call the police immediately - they'll remove him from the house and, if you're not referred, you should ask to be put in touch the Police Domestic Violence Unit.

flatbellyfella · 17/10/2011 17:18

Sickofhusband, & all of the other posters of having had abusive violent partners , many of your posts have brought a tear to my eye at the shocking way you have been treated over the years ,I hope if anything like this ever happend to one of my two daughters they would be out of there in an instant.it's not acceptable to be abusive to anyone you are in a relationship with, let alone lay hands on or rape them. My best wishes go to all that find themselves in this awful position,

Original poster
sickofhusband · 17/10/2011 17:41

Thank you ,funnily enough the one person i don't want to find out is my dad and i have been thinking lately if my husband would agree to it happening to our daughter.

OP posts:
nametapes · 17/10/2011 20:03

dont think too much about what you husband would think or is thinking.,,,, he doesnt deserve the time of day.. . ..

mathanxiety · 18/10/2011 16:42

Sickofhusband -- don't feel stupid. It creeps up little by little. You get used to it, like a boiled frog. It doesn't say anything about you, but speaks volumes about him.

Talk with your counsellor about how to talk with people in RL (your dad and family) in a way where you can be confident you can get them to respect your boundaries and help you in the ways you wish to be helped.

Original poster
sickofhusband · 24/10/2011 08:37

I've restarted the counselling and am getting some advice about any benefits i'm entitiled to etc later in the week .
My husband is been ok ,we had a few words at the weekend and i told him he can't continue to treat me like this .
I'm a bit shocked as he doesn't see he is doing anything wrong , he will not move out so me and the kids will have to leave .
I have a few questions - as i'm a childminder do i ask any estate agents if i would be allowed to do this before i look round ? so i'm not wasting my time, if i found somewhere should i just move out without telling him ? Also if he's been ok with me will i just end up looking like the bad guy for going?
Thanks for any replies it's just the silly things on my mind!

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoison · 24/10/2011 08:43

Sickof. Your husband has always been like this, you just didn't know it....abusers are good at what they do.

He doesn't need to agree to move out, you get to keep the house, the police can remove him.

Have you phoned Women's Aid yet?

Original poster
sickofhusband · 24/10/2011 08:59

No i haven't rung womens aid ,ive got an appointment with citizens advice later in the week .
I know all advice will be not to leave the house but to be honest it's in an unfinished state and we would get a nicer home renting ,the work on the house is underway but i don't even think there's enough money in the pot to finish it.
I've had enough and just want to end the whole sorry saga ,it's only a building.

OP posts: