Is this what marriage is like?

[sickofhusband]

We have been together 17 years ,married for 10 and have got to the stage where we can't communicate any more.
On an evening he goes on pc and listens to music on earphones and that's it no nice conversations or anything.
If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off , on a weekend i do the kids stuff he never wants to join us.
When we go out as a family quite often he's sat messing with his phone and doesn't want to be there.
If i try to discuss things he gets quite abusive and threatens me ,he has hit me before too.
He thinks he has the right to a fantastic sex life and if i say no he gets in a mood and sometimes he ignores me and does it anyway.
Iam about to start some councilling sessions to get my head straight, but wondered am i over reacting or is this all common in a marriage?
This is my only adult relationship so i have no other point of reference.
I just want a relationship where i'm treated as an equal and respected , am i asking too much or thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere?
We have 3 children so that's why ive stayed this far but to be honest it's killing me.

Agree with Clam. This is your time to get everything in place and start getting everything ready for the inevitable. There is absolutely no way that this can be good for you, or more importantly, your DCs - they shouldn't have to see their mother being dragged out of the breakfast room by their father.

In years to come you will look back and wonder why on earth you put up with this for so long. So sorry for you

He is a nasty emotionally and physically abusive man and you should get out NOW.
He is treating you like shit and it will only get worse. His behaviour is disgusting . His violence is horrendous and if you dont leave he is going to break your nose , or even worse kill you.
It always excalates,,,trust me. I have had 2 violent relationships so i know what i am talking about.
your DH is a total nutcase bastard.

Do your children deserve a father who treats their mother this way??

do you want them to grow p thinking this is normal behaviour.... cos they will....
Be careful and see the light.....please.

You are certainly in no way over reacting.
You have done NOTHING wrong, he is the problem and you must see that now. This is not normal acceptable behaviour in a relationship. You must not put up with it. Get out!

Omg, you need to get out of there. You are being physically assaulted, raped and psychologically abused. Contact womens aid and go there with the kids until you can get an injunction to get him out the house. Go to the police and report the rapes and violence. Give statements and press charges. Find a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings. Take photocopies of all your and the cjhildrens documents in' mortgage details, all bank accounts/ debts. Go to cab and get them to work out your benefits/ tax credits entitlements when you leave. You can childmind from rented. If you'd rather keep working then look into private rents which you can move straight into. Withdraw whatever you can from any bank accounts so you have a supply of cash.

Please dont suffer like this any more, 2 women a week are murdered by partners like yours. If you dont get out, you could become one of those statistics.

listen to what margerykemp is saying , she isnt over exaggerating.....

This man is dangerous, fuck the house being done up...just organize quietly to get the hell out. You and your kids have the right to a pleasant life.
dont tell him wht you plan to do, cos he will interfer and make it as difficult as possible for you
IMPORTANTLY I think you should tell the Police the history (really) to make them aware whats going on, because things will get really nasty when your DH knows you are leaving. you need support and practical backup from the Police who can respond quickly if he hits you or gets physical. you have 2 children to protect and nurture and cant do this if he has beaten you up, pushed you over or thrown your belongings away etc.
dont get into arguments with him
dont respond to his nastiness, cos he will try to press you buttons.
Ignore his threats.
Stay strong, knowing you have your support here.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Would the police listen ?
After the kicking incident i told a good friend and she told me to go to the police but funnily enough i didn't have any evidence like bruises although my legs hurt for a few weeks after, i told myself if anything else happened i would go to them.
At the moment he's ok , thinks everythings great so if i don't rile him will be ok.
I was going to get the councelling and get my head straight and all the advice then try to get him out of the house as it's my children's home.
The strange thing is if we went out for the night we would have a perfectly good time and even a bit of a laugh and it's this i can't get my head round.
I know been alone is better than this but it frightens me , as he will go on to find someone else as he is fairly good looking but i worry i'l be on my own forever as who will want me with 3 kids ?

There are plenty of men out there. But honestly, being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in a relationship like this. Nobody would hurt you in your own home. You would never have to sneak around in eggshells worrying how not to upset him or wondering what you have done "wrong" this time.

And the strange thing that you would have a good time sometimes - perfectly normal, good old cycle of abuse. He is nice sometimes, so you start to hope that he might have changed or can change and could be nice all the time. It won't happen though, it's all his plan to keep you from leaving.

Don't have much to add, but didn't want to read and leave. This is not a marriage, it's an abusive relationship. Get all the advice you can (Women's Aid, and on here), make a plan and GO.

Take care, honey.

I understand the confusion about having a good time and a laugh - it's completely normal to wonder about this - but you could have a good time and laugh with anyone. I had a murderer in my house once (honestly!) he was a workman and he'd done his time and he was very pleasant and nice and polite, but.....he was a murderer - he killed two people - I didn't mind having him work on my roof, but I pretty sure I wouldn't want a relationship with him!!! Social functioning and relationship dynamics should not be confused...

He is a dangerous man though - agree with everyone. Make a plan, get some money, get out. Not necessarily in that order.

Nothing to add but agree with everyone. Wishing you luck and strength.

As with everyone else this is not normal, get out!!!

From a different perspective, you may think you are hiding it from the kids, but my dad was like this with my mum, she was terrified of him and in the end after 25 years totally dependant on him, but I do remember hiding upstairs listening to him hitting her, and him telling her how shit she was, and how she could never do any better than him etc, and then what do you think happened, he was a control freak so started on me and my brother, by this point my mum was so scared she couldn't do anything, this went on for years until I turned 17 and knocked 7 bells out of him (I have a mean left hook when riled apparently), he'd finally lost control and left for some other poor woman, my mum is still struggling to come to terms with how she ended up in that situation 10 years on, but realises she was lucky that he did leave as I still don't think she could have done it herself.

I don't see my dad (and never ever will), and I love my mum dearly, however I still think that she was weak for allowing it to happen (although I would never ever share that with anyone in RL) and she has no idea what emotionally it did to me and my brother. It isn't just you in the house, you have three kids who will see what is happening and will also become scared of their father. Please please please listen to all the advice and get out while you still can and your kids aren't damaged.

your self esteem will just go down and down and down, until you feel its what you deserve, and you feel so awful about yourself (prob as you do now) that you havnt the strength to get out.
All abusers are charming and manipulative and can be so nice one minute and the next, they snap. He is like my Ex,,. . . if he doesnt get the answer he wants or what he wants he starts giving you a hard time. This is not acceptable behaviour, it is manipulative. It is not fare or right to live as if you are walking on egg shells.

He thinks you will put up, and shut up because you have tolerated all this treatment for so long.
The more the put up with it, the greater the abuse.
Seek help, and dont forget, if things get really awful there is the Womens Refuge in every town in UK.
You can just turn up without any warning / calls.
Keep us posted!

its not what my 30 year marriage is like

never, not one time, has either one of us done this :- "If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off "

i would have been out the door first time

God that's terrible.

Personally, if it won't take too long to finish the house I would use this time to try and prepare - squirrel some cash away, take legal advice, enquire about tax credits etc etc.

Once it's done - Bam! Get rid of him. Sounds like you have grounds for a restraining order so you should hopefully be able to get him out of the house.

Verbal abuse
Threats of violence
Assault
and
Rape
are all crimes.
Of course the police will listen to you.

I am very sad to hear you've been living this life for years. I'll come back and read properly when I'm not so tired, but am sure you're receiving good advice. Please speak to Womens Aid and the DV officer at your police station.
Stay safe.
Try not to let him know you've opened the door until you're actually going out through it! Delete your mumsnet history and use private browsing.
Take care of yourself.

sickofhusband-my ex treated me similarly;how do you feel when you have been kicked out of your bed by a man's heavy feet? Crap, isn't it. Hurts doesn't it physically? It makes you feel like a piece of shit, does't it.

No - marriage should not be like this.

Oh love, no of course it's not supposed to be like this. He may be able to be nice sometimes, but that's because he has trained you to do EXACTLY what he wants you to do. Of course he's happy about it, you are living like a slave. :(

Have you had a chance to call Women's Aid yet? He is a criminal and you need backup to get him away from you and your children.

go to counselling
plan to leave, call womens aid make a plan - money documents etc.
any further incident report to police
build up a journal dates times

abusers dont abuse 24/7 - it is the cycle of abuse
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

OP, your H is typical of 'cherry-picking'. Of course, he can do the going out and having a nice time bit - so what, if he can do that? Big deal.

Thank you for all your advice and kind words .
I don't know why i've never done anything about it before , i just burried my head in the sand i suppose hoping it might just stop but i know now it never will so i have to stop it.
I've arranged some more counselling as i only attended 1 session then stopped because that made it real and i couldn't accept that the person i married knew what he was doing.
I still can't get my head round it but i'm going to use this time wisely and get all the advice i need to get him out.
I just feel like such an idiot for letting it go on and am ashamed for having children in this relationship .

You weren't an idiot, you were manipulated.

No, it's abusive, exploitative, crap and you should leave.

It makes me very sad to read your post..! Sorry if I haven't read everything thoroughly, but has he always been like this or just recently?
Staying for the sake of the children is not a good enough reason. No child would want to know that their mum put up with all that just for the sake of them. They would be prod of you for sticking up for yourself and you would be setting an amazing example of how to be strong and what people should not put up with in life. I really hope everything works out for you. If you've had the strenght to bring up your three children in the midst of all this then you will find it a doddle (by comparison) when you are actually free and independent.

One day he will find out that you want to stand up for yourself, change things, maybe even leave (the latter being my recommended course of action based on what you wrote, but don't know the whole story of course).
Be prepared for him to crumble like a child, declare his undying love and maybe even become devoted for a short time. Don't fall for it. Sorry if I sound too cynical.