Is this what marriage is like?

[sickofhusband]

We have been together 17 years ,married for 10 and have got to the stage where we can't communicate any more.
On an evening he goes on pc and listens to music on earphones and that's it no nice conversations or anything.
If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off , on a weekend i do the kids stuff he never wants to join us.
When we go out as a family quite often he's sat messing with his phone and doesn't want to be there.
If i try to discuss things he gets quite abusive and threatens me ,he has hit me before too.
He thinks he has the right to a fantastic sex life and if i say no he gets in a mood and sometimes he ignores me and does it anyway.
Iam about to start some councilling sessions to get my head straight, but wondered am i over reacting or is this all common in a marriage?
This is my only adult relationship so i have no other point of reference.
I just want a relationship where i'm treated as an equal and respected , am i asking too much or thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere?
We have 3 children so that's why ive stayed this far but to be honest it's killing me.

You might get some help on the question of childminding in a rented house on the Childminders, nannies, au pairs section in MN. It would be worth posting there for advice I am sure.

But as Posie says you should be staying in the house, he should be going.

The CAB will help you look at the finances of staying in the house or moving out. Take as many financial papers with you as you can find so they can help you analyse the options.

Hi ,I've found a house to rent which i can childmind from i'm currently sorting all this and finances out ,ive had legal advice so know where i stand there.
How do i leave ? do i just go one day without saying anything and then get the solicitor to send a letter re divorce ?
I know i don't owe him anything but all this sneaking around is horrid, does everyone feel like this and wonder if they are doing the right thing or am i been a baby?

Well done for sorting all that out.

You feel horrid because you are a kind person. But in the case of abusive men, it is reasonable - and better, really - to just leave without an explanation. It wouldn't reach him anyway, as they are made of Teflon for anything resembling criticism. All you would get is a manipulative scene, containing all or any of: crying, empty promises to change, emotional blackmail, and intimidation. All communications should, for this reason, happen through your solicitor only. Change your SIM card and e-mail address so you don't risk getting sucked back in at the first wobble while he works to manipulate you back where he wants you.

Just go. Leave a note if you feel like. Your new life awaits. Enjoy it!

yes jsut leave.
if you build up to it he will try to stop you.

get a friend get your stuff and go.

leave a note sayingthe facts.

i have left. we need to divorce.

i suggest you see the Dc on xx day at xx time at xx place.
please refer to my solciitor on xxxxxx

OK so ive put in for a rented house which i will hopefully get,ive had financial advice/legal advice ,have told my family so have a support network.
But i'm a mess i can't stop crying /feeling guilty about leaving , my head says it's absolutly the right thing to do , my heart says another , is this normal? surely i should just think h is a complete twat and not care.
I'm worried about been alone and if there is life after divorce ?

You'll be grieving for the relationship you should have had. You're being really strong and taking positive steps to turn your life around. Don't worry about being alone - you pretty much have been anyway whilst with him. You can concentrate on building your new life with the kids in a house with a lovely, calm atmosphere. It's also a big and scary thing to do, so give yourself a pat on the back for getting this far, grit your teeth and then just wait until you do the deed. The very best of luck to you.

I changed my MN name to head not heart a few weeks back to remind me which one to go with! Actually, then my heart started to heal, and OH's behaviour since I filed for divorce, plus re-evaluating my life, has made me realise I only loved a self-made illusion of who I wished he was :(

Noseinbook - what has he been like since you filed for divorce?

Thanks Madlizzy you are right it's just so bloody hard and i'm also feeling crap as i can't tell the kids we are moving so it will be a case of finding out one day after school and i feel so bad about that, how confused will they be !

Good luck - you're being really brave and therefore, almost by definition, life after divorce is guaranteed. It may not be hearts and roses immediately but you are doing the right thing.

Actually, soh, he has been much like before, with added nastiness as I have increased my grip on the finances - such as warning him that he needed to cancel a DD from our joint account for his self-employed NI or I would do it (have mentioned it on and off since start of year, but divorce proceedings are empowering me). And then, when he had done nothing after 24 hours, doing it myself as I had warned.

His reaction? 'well you're happy enought to have the WTC paid into the joint account' - which is irrelevant (plus I am at us having to claim it - our kids are young adults!!)

His latest threat is to transfer the WTC to his account - apparently I will be 'the last to know.' If he does, I'll tell them that we are living separately under the same roof and he can reclaim for himself!

He isn't violent, though I assumed he might become so, and made plans accordingly. Just not very nice to share a house with. But I have managed to detach fairly well, and I spend time thinking through various scenarios, so that when he tries his verbal twists, I don't go into the brainfog spin that I used to, and know what my position is.

Funny, I thought he'd try to be nice to prove me wrong about his unreasonable behaviour!

I hope it works out for you in the end , why are you both still in the house? that must be hell on earth.
My dream is that when i file for divorce he may have a jolt into reality and realise what he's been doing to me all these years and act in a reasonable manor , however i seriously doubt it and am expecting more nastiness than ever.

Long and short of it, we are income poor, capital rich, and most of that came from me. He has no income to speak of, so till the financial settlement we can't afford for one of us to move out. That's the current thinking, if things worsen I'll speak to the solicitor about what the possibilities are.

Hi,So i have everything all ready to go but i'm having a bit of a crisis , not sure why but i thought it would be easy to leave given the circumstances.
I'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing can a person change? Should i have one last try to make him aware of how serious it is ? I know that when he gets home to an empty house he will then realise do i just need to grit my teeth and get on with it?

Of course it isn't easy! No-one leaves a relationship in which they invested time and emotion with a blithe song in their heart.

You are absolutely doing the right thing: re-read your posts on this thread about his behaviour!

Few people change. And only those who truly want to, for themselves, and put in the time and effort can achieve it.

Grit those teeth.

Thank you i could move in at the end of the week , i just feel crap cause i'm taking half of the money in the joint account which is enough to last me a good while!
Also i think i'm sad about what i wanted my marriage to be and for the kids lot's of different things really.
Please tell me it gets easier.

You are entitled to half the money in the joint account: let go the guilt.

Do, however, grieve the marriage and family life you hoped for. This is a loss. Of course you are sad.

It will get better, I promise, but there will be a lot of emotions to process before it gets easier, notably grief and anger.

Have you recently left someone puppy ? how long did it take you to feel normal again?

If i try to talk to him he tells me to fuck off

I would do precisely that. This is not a life, not a marriage, and not anything that anyone should have to put up with. I understand it's easy to let things drift over such a long period of time, but I think you know that things have reached a head, no? He doesn't deserve you and I hope you find the strength to make a decision that's best for you and your children.

I left my husband 9 months ago. It led to a massive slump, but ADs, therapy, and good friends saw me through.

I can't tell you how fantastic I feel now! This is not the life I had planned, but I have grieved that dream, and now I am free to be myself, and to fully enjoy the life I do have. It's great.

Took about 8 months to get there, though. But there's no timetable.

Your husband sounds very much like my stbxh, btw.

Been lurking. Just want to say you are absolutely doing the right thing and I wish you all the luck in the world

Yes I'd fuck off , take the kids, and not look back.

What a nasty man.
Good luck

Someone very close to me put up with this sort of behaviour for over 20 years. You need to get out. It must be so scary but you deserve so much better than this. Sending hugs to you and your kids and the hope of a much better life. Xxx