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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not allowed male friends, normal?

126 replies

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 14:14

Hi everyone,

I've been friends with an ex-coworker for a few years now. It is completely platonic. My DP is not happy about it at all, and thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them'.

I've been friends with the coworker longer than I've been with DP. it would break my friends heart if I ended the friendship, but my DP says he won't put up with it for long.

WWYD? Help.

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 08/10/2011 14:47

Interesting question from Milicent, OHF - why don't you trust one another? And what precautions do you take wrt colleagues, etc?

higgle · 08/10/2011 15:30

A friend of mine was a male nurse, before he changed jobs some years ago. Most of his friends were female and when he married someone who was not a nurse who he had not known for long she moaned and carried onuntil he gave up his friendships with his colleagues and didnot see them outside work. He came to resent his wife's take on this very much and is now qute depressed and overweight because she took things even further and is just foul and unpleasant to any women he has contact with at all. This whole jealous attitude has ruined his marriage, though his wife seems to get smug satisfaction from her behaviour.

OneHandFlapping · 08/10/2011 15:43

"OHF please don't try to tell the OP it's ok to live like this, just because you do. "

I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to live. I'm just saying there can be more than one point of view.

I'm surprised that people are telling me how to live tbh, or at least telling me I'm doing it wrong. It works for us.

And now,since this is not my thread, I'm not going to post on it any more.

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 16:04

That is for the best, I think

Original poster
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 08/10/2011 18:24

My friend knows my DP isn't exactly fond of him and Thinks he should get to know him as they've only met once and it was extremely awkward.

My DP is not a overly jealous guy, I check out other men irl and on the tv and he laughs. It's just this friend he doesn't feel at ease with because he texts me a lot

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 08/10/2011 20:53

Your friend is worth hanging on to. You will need him when you get rid of the DP, who will turn troublesome when dumped. Your friend sees that the P is abusive and bad for you. Because your friend knows and cares about you as a human being, whereas your partner is a foursquare loser who hates women and considers them less than human.

PierceDeere · 08/10/2011 21:02

Isn't it amazing how many men use having been cheated on in the past as an excuse to behave like a knoboid now?

bubblegumpop · 08/10/2011 21:10

She isn't listening.

Everyone here who has been there, or has a balanced healthy relationship can see this for what it is.

Controlling, abusive, nasty, women hating, emotional blackmail, nasty temper the list goes on.

What op sees is the lovely, not really jealous guy, who needs her help. He's perfect and wonderful, he just has ishoos and it's only one guy. He isn't a bully, he's not abusive. It's just this one thing.

Sadly I think for op, shes at the stage that she isn't going to realise whats going on, until it's escalated and hit rock bottom. She is at the stage where she is excusing nasty behaviour and can't see the wood for the trees.

garlicScaresVampires · 08/10/2011 21:11

Yes, Pierce, it's almost as if their previous partners looked elsewhere because they were fed up.

SirSugar · 08/10/2011 21:31

abusive H was of the opinion that calling round to some friends of ours house, married couple, with my mother and DCs as we were in the area would 'alert' the wife of the couple that I wanted to fuck/was having an affair with the husband.

abusive H shouted at me for talking to male aquaintance in the street. He told me that I shamed him for talking to 'my boyfriend'.

abusive H was the one in our relationship who was fucking about. Projection.

Your DP is an idiot, stop selling yourself cheap OP

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 22:12

Good advice, SS

Original poster
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 09/10/2011 07:58

I definately am listening bubblegum.

I've used this thread to tell him I won't give up my friend. I've told him he cannot tell me whom I am friends with. He has accepted that and has said he respects me for that and agrees I shouldn't give up my friend because of his insecurities.

Believe me I am not the little woman in this relationship who doesn't stand up for herself or put him in his place when needs be.

OP posts:
LeoTheLateBloomer · 09/10/2011 08:07

Believe me I am not the little woman in this relationship who doesn't stand up for herself or put him in his place when needs be.

A relationship shouldn't be about putting people in their place OP, it should be about mutual respect.

You say he's accepted what you say and agrees with you. So did mine. All the time, but it never changed a thing. The goal posts keep moving until you start to think you're losing your mind. You'll probably be told that you're the one moving the goal posts.

It's mind games and manipulation. Please be very careful.

IvyAndGold · 09/10/2011 08:20

ToPee, is your DP my ex?! Seriously, this will go from bad to worse. ExDP started off with eyeballing any guy that spoke to me; we met at work, and I was a waitress so I've no idea how he expected me to not talk to any men!

In the end, he was trying to tell me what to wear (no shorts, etc) was going through my phone if I left it anywhere, accusing me of sleeping with his best friend (who always got full apologies/grovelling while I just had to 'move on') He even accused one of my gay friends of FAKING being gay so that he could get closer to me and 'make a move'. Just before I finally broke up with him I found out he'd downloaded a password hacking program and was accessing all my emails and Facebook account.

It's really not worth it. When I was with him I couldn't see an end to it, but almost as soon as I left... you can literally feel the weight lifting from your shoulders. Don't let this arse get away with it.

Original poster
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 09/10/2011 08:57

ivy no your ex sounds nothing like my DP, sorry. He doesn't mind if I compliment a good looking man or vice versa. He's never told me what to wear, and compliments me when I dress up. Hes never gone through my phone or laptop and respects my privacy. He knows my passwords to fb and I know his.
Not sure why you thought my DP reminded you of your ex?

As I said earlier, he just feels this friend oversteps the mark by communicating with me so much. And he said why doesn't he get his own gf?

OP posts:
lagrandissima · 09/10/2011 09:00

He's being unreasonable. In a good relationship you trust each other. The world is populated by men and women; short of staying at home what are you going to do? Your DP needs to have some trust in you.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 09:13

You aren't listening at all. To all the women who have been there.

They can see it from your posts, the way he talks, the temper, the veiled threats, the break up warnings.

Then telling you who to be friends with. He's backed off for now, because you shocked him with a comeback.

It starts slowly, see behaviours in my first paragraph. It then progresses onto trying to cut friendships.

Slowly but surely, it then does escalate to other controlling behaviours. Such as, what you wear, checking your phone, and more.

So much so, first time around, you don't see it coming, it's gradual control and "mild" emotional abuse (threats, breakup, etc) that several years down the line. You do become that little meek woman and wonder how the fuck you got there.

People are telling you this is what will happen, it's always the same. But you aren't listening.

IvyAndGold · 09/10/2011 09:23

Sorry, reading back I didn't explain properly. I meant it sounded like exDP about year or so into the relationship. He also used to compliment me when he thought I looked nice too, and never told me what to wear. He never used to go through my phone, or look at emails. Didn't mind me having male friends. He also said he had trust issues due to being cheated on previously. He also said he'd 'work on it.'

It all changes so, so gradually that I didn't even clock on it was happening until it had gone so far.

It's COMPLETELY about control. Totally.

I'm glad you've stuck by your friendship, but I wouldn't be surprised if you end up coming back to this issue with him before long again.

Maybe (and I really, really hope) I'm wrong. But it all sounds very familiar territory to me.

exoticfruits · 09/10/2011 09:33

The words 'not allowed' rings alarm bells-you are an adult and it is not up to him to 'allow' or 'not allow' anything. Ignore-don't get into an argument-just ignore.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 10:55

Fingers in ears, innit

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/10/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 11:24

Yes indeedy

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 09/10/2011 11:46

No, no, no, its not normal. Unfortunately it seems to be a fairly common attitude, and I have some friends with partners who act that way. My ex still tries to control my friendships (male and female) on the pretext that its in the interest of the children i.e. he NEEDS to know who my friends are, when I'm seeing them, where we are going etc and he almost had me on it, my solicitor said its utter bollocks (exact words) but I still have a regular battle with him over this.

I haven't read all the responses but I'd be really surprised if no-one has already pointed out that this can often be a precursor to other controlling behaviours.

Good luck op and I hope you manage to sort it out for the best.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:50

What sgm said. Remember this place is here, people will always help you. For the next time.

SirSugar · 09/10/2011 13:44

OP, ther are pages and pages of threads here from women who have been/still are in relationships with varying degrees of abuse and plenty of tragic aftermath threads.

Trouble is many women find themselves 'caught' with a couple of DCs, no money and an arsehole of a DP/DH who makes their lives miserable and hellish, wondering how they got there. However, if you ask most of them, it was a slippery slide with a couple of red flags at first which they either thought they could sort out or consigned to the back of their subconcious only realising later that, deep down, they knew all along the relationship just wasn't quite right.

You have posted your issue with DP here and you know full well that hes wrong yet you then defend his ridiculous demands of you because he has issues; which you then think you can help him with.

He is telling you about his view of women, if he is friendly with them, he wants to fuck them, he has an ulterior motive. Hes not concerned with your feelings otherwise he wouldn't make such a demand that you give up a friend of yours. You cannot speak for him, help him or change him.

If you want the best a relationship can give you, you have to listen to what you want first and I would bet if you think about it, there are more ways in which your DP is upsetting you than you will freely admit to at this time.

Don't wait until its too late to really make a difference, don't accept second best and above all, listen to your inner voice as it can reveal an awful lot