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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not allowed male friends, normal?

126 replies

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 14:14

Hi everyone,

I've been friends with an ex-coworker for a few years now. It is completely platonic. My DP is not happy about it at all, and thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them'.

I've been friends with the coworker longer than I've been with DP. it would break my friends heart if I ended the friendship, but my DP says he won't put up with it for long.

WWYD? Help.

OP posts:

LapsedPacifist · 07/10/2011 15:29

I hope to god you aren't already living with this person.

"I know I'm at fault a bit because I don't tell him when he pops round to my work for a coffee and I should".

Err, WHY? Are you his property? Why do you "love" someone who thinks you are a thing to own? Were you raised to think women have to "obey" men? 'Cos if not, you need to wake up and recognise what's going on.

If he gets "so upset" at the idea of you male friend, he needs to get help. It's HIS problem. Don't let it become yours.

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 07/10/2011 15:31

This man is giving off a lot of big red warning signs.

You know its not right deep down. Stop it now when its easy enough to stop and don't get in any deeper.

Its not normal. Its not right and you're on the top of a very slippery slope.

I have a lot of male friends. I've even been on weekends away with them and my DH doesn't give a crap as he knows that they're just friends. One of his best friends is a woman. She's lovely. Its perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex even if they are not married or with someone else.

buzzskeleton · 07/10/2011 15:44

No, not normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2011 16:27

ToPeeornottoPee,

Re your comment:-

"He isn't controlling in any other way. I don't walk on eggshells but he does have a short temper with things, if something doesn't work etc.
I love him very much and I'm upset this us causing him distress. He said he doesn't want me to not be friends with the guy, but then he says there won't be a me and you for much longer"

Your partner does not know the meaning of the word love; he is treating you like a possession. He is being distressed because of his own paranoia towards the situation.

You must remain friends with this co-worker; your man cannot dictate who you are friends with. Can't you see that its wrong for him to be acting like that?.

I would also ask how long you two have been together.

What is there to love about this guy of yours exactly; he is a controller and controlling behaviours are abusive ones.

You need to get out of this so called relationship with this partner of yours ASAP before he does you any more emotional harm. Because mark my words he will keep upping the control ante and go onto manipulate your every thought and word.

I would also read "Why does he go that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because this so called partner bloke of yours is certainly within those pages.

Squitten · 07/10/2011 16:33

Agree with everyone else really. Big alarm bells!

He does not get to dictate your friends, especially when he has different standards for himself. For all he knows, his own brother or cousin might want to shag the pants off you - the only person he has to trust is YOU. The fact that he evidently doesn't is the problem and you can't be with someone who is that paranoid

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2011 16:49

XH had a big problem with me having male friends - and I do have some excellent ones. Well, he's history, and I still have my good friends, although guess what: I haven't shagged any of them.

nailak · 07/10/2011 17:07

kenobi Fri 07-Oct-11 15:07:50
I have two male friends, both single. One is an ex (very short, painless relationship). I have lunch with them and on very rare occasions dinner - just the two of us. DH doesn't particularly like it and would rather I didn't, but as he trusts me implicitly and knows it isn't his place to tell me who I can and can't be friends with, he accepts it.
His is the normal reaction.

i would agree with this, it is not normal for a man to dictate in a relationship

Original poster

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 17:24

We've been together for 2 years.

Thanks to all of you I've grown a backbone and sent him a message saying I will not give up my friendship and I would never ask him to and that he needs to trust me. He sent a message back saying he appreciated what I had said.

Hopefully this will show him he can't tell me who I can or cannot be friends with.

He does have a good heart. He has been cheated on before and is well aware of his trust issues, I want to work through them with him

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/10/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzskeleton · 07/10/2011 17:32

Remember it's actually his issue, not yours. Don't take responsibility where you have none. It's nice that you want to be supportive, but don't let 'working through it together' become you dancing to his tune.

bubblegumpop · 07/10/2011 17:32

I want to be happy for you op. But can't be. You need to at least store what women who have been there are saying to you.

This man is probably shocked you called his bluff. So he obviously still needs to wear you down a bit.

A man telling you who you can be friends with, short temper, threatening you with ending things. Or that he won't be putting up with it.

All hallmarks of an abuser and sadly they all do seem to blame previous women.....

Keep your wits, there will be more to come and it won't end well. It's like clockwork. Sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2011 17:34

"He does have a good heart. He has been cheated on before and is well aware of his trust issues, I want to work through them with him"

As Stewie has correctly stated, these are control issues not trust issues. He may well back down this time so its you 1 him 0 but he will exert control again over you at some point as surely as night follows day. You need to read Lundy Bancroft's book.

Controlling men are angry men as well; you have already mentioned his short temper.

You are not there to be his rescuer and or saviour in this relationship (this with regards to your comment I want to work through his trust issues with him). No because either appraoch does not work out. What do you actually know about him and his ex, she could probably tell you a different story as to how and why it actually ended. She probably ended up being controlled as well:( but saw sense to bin him.

lubeybooby · 07/10/2011 17:38

You are NOT at fault at all. You 'd'p is being a totally unreasonable arse. if he wants to leave over it let him!

DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOU! You deserve and can do better.

Onemorning · 07/10/2011 17:42

This isn't normal. Don't let him cut you off from your friends.

fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 17:44

You know it's not normal.

Red flag HUGE big red flag sweeheart he's using emotional blackmail to get you to do what he wants.

He's a controlling arse. And voice of 20+ years of bitter experience he won't change.

hairylights · 07/10/2011 17:47

It is dysfunctional for a partner to tell their partner what they are or aren't "allowed" to do.

Breaklegs · 07/10/2011 17:47

"He does have a good heart. He has been cheated on before and is well aware of his trust issues, I want to work through them with him"

Not trust issues. Control. Definitely.
This man is an abuser as the others have said.
EVERYTHING YOU SAY happened to me in year 1 and 2 and now 3 4 5 ...etc of our relationship.
When I met him I had many male friends platonic, and one that i had been seeing ten years before for about 3wks . He was particularly steaming jealous over the last one who he accused me of cheating on him with at every opportunity and I thought like you. I tried to understand his insecurities, felt sorry for him - stopped talking to my friends. Became distant.
It was just what he wanted. He had isolated me from people who cared about me. Did it stop his behaviour?
No.
Further down the line any male I become friends with or interact with I must be cheating on him with OR want to cheat. Or think about. Or any other manner of things.

Its not just the fact he's jealous. Its bloody insulting to me as well because I've never been unfaithful to anyone least not him, and believe me this twunt is the epitomy of controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive.

GET OUT NOW. BE HAPPY. Don't answer to any man. Please don't end up in a position like me I implore you. Its not easy to get out of once he sucks you in and has you under his control.

Annie421 · 07/10/2011 19:48

Its completely not normal - i've been there, ex would say who i could speak to and who i couldn't, if i dared make eye contact with a male there would be all hell to pay, since getting out of this abusive relationship i have seen just how wrong he was to tell me who i could speak to and who i couldn't, who the bloody hell does he thin he is?! .... you need to sort this out now, it has taken me a while even to raise my head to meet eye contact when a man talks to me ... its not a good place to be.

SirSugar · 07/10/2011 20:08

He says ' men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women - they want to fuck them '

He is talking about his view of himself when he befriends women; the reason he befriends them is because he wants to fuck them. He views women as things to be fucked which is exactly what you will be if you try to help him work through his mysogyny problem.

Decent, respectful men do not hold this view

SirSugar · 07/10/2011 20:13

BTW what does your male friend think of all this?

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 20:32

Oh dear. I want to be really pleased for you, 2P, but when you have to grow a backbone just to tell him you reserve the right to have friends ... it's not looking good :(

Well done on the backbone, though!

When your P said he thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them', he's telling you about men, in his own view, right? He's a man, right? So this is what he's like. He doesn't believe a man can be friends with a woman because [something like] he doesn't actually see women as people worth being friends with - women are only for fucking. Now, if that's his view - so it's what he's like, as a man - then what does it say about how he sees women? Including you :(

Sorry ...

rockinastocking · 07/10/2011 21:22

My dh is like this. Was for years.

I ended up getting so used to hiding stuff, and so angry with him, I had an affair.

Not recommended as a course of action.

HedleyLamarr · 07/10/2011 21:30

"SirSugar Fri 07-Oct-11 20:08:15

He says ' men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women - they want to fuck them '

Decent, respectful men do not hold this view"

SirSugar speaks wise words.

BertieBotts · 07/10/2011 21:50

While it is a wonderful thing that you care so much for this man that you want to "help him work through" his issues, lovely, you are his girlfriend, not a counsellor. You are too closely involved to be of any help at all, sadly. If he really wanted to face up to his issues, he would do that himself, with professional help. These kind of guys never do though. They think counselling is a load of rubbish, doesn't work, too expensive/they don't have time, or that it's for "crazy people".

I can predict also that he says things like "It's not you I don't trust, it's other men," "I trust you, but not when you're drunk," thinks it's acceptable to seek revenge on men who his girlfriends have cheated on him with, insists that all (or 90%) of his exes have cheated on him (Possible, but unlikely. More likely he thinks they did.) And he hates cheating with every fibre of his being and would never ever do it. (Hate to say this, but someone who is that certain, and that fanatically opposed, usually has a guilty conscience.)

Plus SirSugar is spot on - he's projecting. Most men don't think about women like this at all. Some do, yes. The fact he thinks they all do probably means he also thinks like this. Including about you. That is a hard thing to realise. I remember when I had a conversation like this with XP and he said "Well no, I wouldn't have ever bothered talking to you if I didn't fancy you." I always saw him as a friend, turns out he never saw me as one. Women were a completely different category. I never ever felt so lonely as I did that night. :( (Happy ending though - I'm now living with a man who I'd count as one of my best friends and I know he considers me the same :))

ShriekingLisa · 08/10/2011 01:06

His behavour will get worse.

Its a shame the ones in the same situation cant listen to thier own advice.

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