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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not allowed male friends, normal?

126 replies

ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 14:14

Hi everyone,

I've been friends with an ex-coworker for a few years now. It is completely platonic. My DP is not happy about it at all, and thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them'.

I've been friends with the coworker longer than I've been with DP. it would break my friends heart if I ended the friendship, but my DP says he won't put up with it for long.

WWYD? Help.

OP posts:
Scoundrel · 07/10/2011 14:44

I think it's a bit worrying that you have to ask whether or not this kind of behaviour is normal because it sure as hell isn't normal in my world! I really think you should stop the sad face at the thought of him 'not putting up with it' and leaving. You should be happy about that Wink

I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation and I bet there are other behaviours that are controlling and untrusting too, perhaps a little re-evaluation of what you're prepared to put up with would be a good idea?

Take care, good luck Smile

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 14:49

You can't have a relationship with someone who tells you who you can and can't be friends with, you doesn't trust you and who thinks you don't have the ability or right to say no even if your friend did want to "fuck you".

nailak · 07/10/2011 14:50

i think its a bit worrying when spouses dont take their partners feelings and emotions in to consideration.

why does he feel worried? has he bad previous experiences? is he from a culture where it is frowned upon?

or is he generally possessive and controlling?

if it is only this issue that is making him upset i wouldnt reccommend dismissing his feelings.

if he is controlling and has tried to cut you of from your support network and other families and friends then i would be worried

Original poster
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 14:50

ineedabodytransplant yes he does have female friends, one good one- an ex coworker! Whom I'm fine with. I said to him, what about your female friend and he said she has a DP for over 5 years, whereas my friend is single.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 07/10/2011 14:54

Red flags ahoy.

He won't put up with it for long Shock. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Next it will be........he won't put up with certain friends, family. Before you know it you are on your own.

He then won't put up with you going out, working, wearing certain things.

He then won't put up with "disrespectful" behaviour and your "attitude". Then it'll be good old beating to keep you in line.

DP you say? Run to the far side of fuck and don't look back. You heard it here first.

In before hysterical comments....................I don't care, relationships with blokes like this never end well. EVER.

Original poster
ToPeeOrNotToPee · 07/10/2011 14:55

He isn't controlling in any other way. I don't walk on eggshells but he does have a short temper with things, if something doesn't work etc.

I love him very much and I'm upset this us causing him distress. He said he doesn't want me to not be friends with the guy, but then he says there won't be a me and you for much longer

OP posts:
stayfornoone · 07/10/2011 14:55

FGS, leave the bastard Grin no really. He is a controlling twit that thinks its one rule for him and another for you. If you dont want to leave him, get him told. You will see your friend whether he likes it or not...but you then need to be totally honest with him about when you are seeing this friend. Hiding it, whatever your reasons, makes it look suspect.

Really though, find a decent bloke, this guy does not sound one.

bubblegumpop · 07/10/2011 14:56

short temper with things, if something doesn't work etc.

Oh surprise, surprise. Leave and don't look back, that is actually a really friendly warning. Mark my words.

Scoundrel · 07/10/2011 14:57

Whether she's single or not, surely seeing as how men can't be friends with women without wanting to fuck them, how can he possibly see her without being unfaithful to you? He's an idiot with double standards. Essentially what he's saying is that you're not as good as him as you cannot be trusted to spend time with someone of the opposite sex whereas he is. What would he do if his friend broke up with her boyfriend? would he dump her too as he obviously can't spend time with her in case he can't help himself and ends up fucking her.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 07/10/2011 14:58

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow,dh scored about 13!

ShroudOfHamsters · 07/10/2011 14:58

Dump him pronto.

Controlling, twatty waste of space.

Complete loser.

Tell him you're pleased to report he won't have to 'put up with it' one second longer, because he's dumped.

Find a better man to love - really.

Katisha · 07/10/2011 14:58

Have you asked him outright whether he thinks you are having an affair or are about to?
Can you get your friend to come round for a drink when DH is there as well, so that he is not some threatening unknown rival?

However I dont like the sound of his threats - no way to resolve an adult situation.

QuietNinjaZombie · 07/10/2011 14:59

Listen carefully. Get. Out. Now. Huge huge red flag, alarm bell. What exactly will happen if you don't dump your friend? How long have you Been together? My abusive ex started like this. Because his ex 'cheated' on him (I have no way of knowing if this is true or not) I wasn't allowed male friends, then female friends then he started getting uppity about seeing my family.
I repeat. Get. Out. Now. Don't care what his reasons are he has no right whatsoever to ask/tell you to do this.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/10/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 07/10/2011 14:59

Cheese I'm not surprised, just from your one example upthread.

Do come join us here

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 07/10/2011 15:00

hes threatening youSad.dont feel bad for upsetting him.you are allowed male friends.

Proon · 07/10/2011 15:00

I can't see this ending well, if he is as you say and you stay with him.
"I don't tell him when he pops round for coffee, and I should" - Sad

windsorTides · 07/10/2011 15:02

In relation to his female friend, I suspect what he means is that she is the property of another man and so he wouldn't go there.....

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 15:05

Do you live with him? If not have a break and give yourself time to think.

PeppermintPumpkin · 07/10/2011 15:06

Another vote for massively massively unreasonable I'm afraid. These are his insecurities that he needs to deal with. From what you've said I can't see that any of this is your fault. How long have you ben together btw? Has he always been like this?

kenobi · 07/10/2011 15:07

I have two male friends, both single. One is an ex (very short, painless relationship). I have lunch with them and on very rare occasions dinner - just the two of us. DH doesn't particularly like it and would rather I didn't, but as he trusts me implicitly and knows it isn't his place to tell me who I can and can't be friends with, he accepts it.
His is the normal reaction.

Quite apart from the control issues going on here, he's being incredibly rude to you. Does he think you aren't capable of having a coffee with a man without you flinging yourself at him? Does he believe you are a deceitful slut?

Because even if (and I don't believe this at all btw) all men do want to have sex with all women they know, all the time, you have to agree. And by suggesting you can't control yourself, what's the next step? Not being able to work with men in case you fling yourself at them as well? Does he think you should be chaperoned everywhere?

I think this is a slippery slope and at the very least you need to find out why he is so untrusting. His threatening you with leaving you for having coffee with someone is really worrying.

Xales · 07/10/2011 15:12

How long have you been together? You have known the co worker for a few years and dated your P for less than this. What right does he have to say who you see or when?

You don't mention it because it is meaningless not because you are hiding something Hmm I think this says a lot about your P. He doesn't think men and women can be friends because they will shag because that is what he would do.

We overlay our morals and standards on to those we know and expect them to behave as we would. i.e a liar expects every one to lie to them, a thief expects everyone to steal and a potential cheat expects everyone else to be a cheat.

What would I do?

I would tell him he was entitled to his opinion. It was his opinion. He was insulting me by implying that I was about to cheat on him.

And that if 'he wasn't going to put up with it for long' there is the door it is his decision to walk out of it.

Do not let yourself be bullied or threatened into dropping this friend.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 07/10/2011 15:14

"He said he doesn't want me to not be friends with the guy, but then he says there won't be a me and you for much longer"

That's also a threat. And emotional blackmail.

OP, you've posted a couple threads on here recently that clearly show that you are unhappy with this guy, and also - as I read it - that you are still wondering if/hoping that he can change.

Look, I'm sure you've made it obvious to him when certain behaviours of his upset you. If he hasn't changed them despite that, it's because he doesn't want to. You can't change him, and you can't make him want to change, and waiting around and hoping he will change is only going to make you more and more miserable, and less and less your own person.

What do you want to do: continue to give him chance after chance as he erodes your freedom and your self-esteem? Or give yourself a chance at a life that contains freedom and self-esteem?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 07/10/2011 15:14

When I was 22 I was in a newish relationship with a man I thought was amazing. I had recently left a job and one evening received a text from a former male colleague. It went down badly and in the end I sent this friend a text saying (exact words) "please don't contact me again". Credit to him, he never did.

That was 10 years ago and I'm now in the process of divorcing that same man who had been so amazing in my 22 year old's mind. He was a controlling, manipulative bully who built a wall between me and many many friends. I didn't see the red flag when I was young and naive.

I'm not going to be one of those dramatics who declares you should 'Leave the bastard!' but I do suggest that you think carefully about your relationship. No one has the right to tell you who you can or can't be friends with.

Good luck.

NellieForbush · 07/10/2011 15:22

To answer your OP. No its not normal. Far from it. I don't even know anyone like this. Nor have I been out with anyone like this, although I'm sure there are plenty of such knobs.

He doesn't trust you.

You know what to do.