Not allowed male friends, normal?

[ToPeeOrNotToPee]

Hi everyone,

I've been friends with an ex-coworker for a few years now. It is completely platonic. My DP is not happy about it at all, and thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them'.

I've been friends with the coworker longer than I've been with DP. it would break my friends heart if I ended the friendship, but my DP says he won't put up with it for long.

WWYD? Help.

Just bin this man. Life is much too short to spend any of it pandering to an abusive dickhead's insecurities.

DH is the same... Cheated on before by a previous GF, has real difficulties trusting me although he has no reason to worry.

TBH, he is (to me at least) perfect in every other way. I love him, trust him and respect him and he is an excellent husband, friend and father. Rightly or wrongly I have chosen to forgo friendships with other men, because I don't care about any of them as much as I care about my DH... So whilst I know everyone else will disagree here, if he is PERFECT (to you!) in every other way, perhaps it is worth putting up with his problem with other males.

Skimming before I go to bed so sorry if this has already been said but it sounds to me like he is projecting.

He cant be friends with a woman as he will want to sleep with her (he says he doesnt fancy his ex co worker but I suspect that isnt true) so he is assuming that is the same for everyone.

He is a twat. And you will never be in the right, my ex was like this, I even got accused of having an affair with my female best friend :o I got rid and I think you should too.

"not allowed"

is not normal.

Doesn't even matter what it is you are "not allowed"

Nobody has the right to tell their partner that they are "not allowed" anything.

If they do, they are controlling.

Ruth, who asked you to forgo your friendships with men?
I find that quite odd actually.
It's not like friendship is gender specific: good people are good people. Having a great partner usually means more friends, anyway, not fewer.

Ruth Jesus Christ. That has to be the worst advice I have ever seen. Just because you have chosen been forced to give up male friendships. Don't try and advocate that as remotely normal and non abusive. It's screwed up.

It's so sad to hear women pleased to have given up the opportunity of possible great friendships, with half the worlds population. To appease the golden cock at home with trust control issues.

"He has been cheated on before and is well aware of his trust issues, I want to work through them with him"

This isn't for you not work through. You can be there and support him and even wait for him while he works through it, but it's his problem not yours. You are not his rescuer, you cannot heal him. It's easy to fall into that trap, done it myself.

I agree with Sugar when she says "He is talking about his view of himself when he befriends women; the reason he befriends them is because he wants to fuck them. He views women as things to be fucked which is exactly what you will be if you try to help him work through his mysogyny problem."

Bertie, those are exactly the phrases XH used. However much I didn't shag around, hardly ever went out, told him exactly where I was going and who with, kept him informed and always came home when I said - and tried to take him along too wherever possible, though he was strongly resistant to that - he never got over his "trust issues". There were other problems, but that's the one we finally broke up over, after 25 years and four children.

They don't change because they don't want to; they want to change you.

My ex said the same Annie.

And I agree too - just show him tis thread.

DOn't show him the thread. He will tell you that MN is full of frustrated feminist bitches, and then probably fuck you to demonstrate to you how 'real' women relate to men.
Just get rid of him.

God no, don't show him this thread at all! He will just use it to hurt you more.

What sgb said.

What SGB says in her post of 10.37.

When we got married, Dh and I agreed not to see friends of the opposite sex alone. I would find it as uncomfortable knowing he was having a cosy drink with another woman as he would if the situations were reversed. Why actively create the situations where affairs can occur?

I am not at all unhappy with the decision, although I understand other people can choose differently.

onehandflapping just because you think this is a normal and healthy situation, doesn't mean it is.

My DH is alone with women frequently through work. He won't have an affair because he doesn't want to. If you and your DH have to be physically kept away from other people in case you end up shagging them, the problems in your marriage are far greater than the OP's.

Do you or your DH have opposite sex colleagues? How does it work? Does he have to have a chaperone in case he rips their clothes off? Do you?

Problem with situations like this is the OP divorces the One Bad Thing from the rest of the angelic behaviour and decides she can put up with it. I men, no relationship is perfect, right?
Except in this case, the One Bad Thing is a bit more than poor timekeeping or snoring or grumpiness in the mornings.
His attitude to you is that of a possession. If he is mostly ok in other areas, it is because you toe the line and behave as he expects you to. This recent behaviour is what happens when you do NOT conform to his idea of How His Woman Should Behave.

There are plenty of abusive men who do not hit women because they believe it is out of order to hit a woman. It is nothing to do with respect, since the same man will think nothing of verbally abusing and controlling his partner.
Similarly there are plenty of men who would never hit a child, but will backhand their partner and feel entitled to do so.

A decent man is decent right across the board. He sees you as an equal with the freedom to make your own decisions. Including who you choose to be friends with. if he doesnt like it, it is HIS problem. Why should it be yours? Why should you be emotionally blackmailed into restricting your life?

I mean , not I men!

SGB - I do see your point. I posted on AIBU about something my DH did and everyone agreed he was BU, I showed DH the thread and he apologised to me. This is different, this chap seems to be excessively jealous and I don't suppose reason will work. Plan B, just ditch him.

I'm fascinated by the conversation you must have to have to agree not to see anyone of the opposite sex. I can only assume it involves lines such as,
" Now look here Mrs Handflapping, I want to make darn sure you don't run around getting into other men's beds. Now, we don't want to bother ourselves with any of that trust, respect and love nonsense so how about we both forbid each other from being in the company of anyone with a penis for you and a vagina for me?"

That "one bad thing" actually trumps all the good things, IMO

No person should ever tolerate being told what they can/cannot do wrt same sex friendships that haven't even developed yet. I understand in some cases there might be concern about an individual situation... but vetoing everything ? No way

Any man who told who I could/couldn't be friends with wold be shown the door

OHF please don't try to tell the OP it's ok to live like this, just because you do. Doesn't the rest of the reactions on this thread tell you something about your own relationship ?

Men who try and control their partners friendships with other men are projecting their own fucked-up attitude towards women

A decent person just would not do this

Millicent, I don't have a problem with anyone else making a different arrangement that suits them. Hell, I don't even have a problem with people who have open marriages, if it is mutually agreed.

My point is that this what DH and I have agreed. He wasn't trying to control me, nor I him.

And I think one on one social situations are slightly different to working with the opposite sex.

Obviously not normal. But you know that, right?

Well, most affairs are with colleagues.
Can you not just trust each other?