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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do with a husband who is about to cheat?

34 replies

confusedperson · 05/10/2011 20:29

I am a married with two kids, 3 and 1yo. Relationship in our marriage has always been so-so, but we managed it so far. Our sex life was 2-3 times a week, until recently, when we did not have sex for about a month, firstly I was too tired, then he was away for 2 weeks, then I rejected him because again of two weeks managing kids on my own. The next date after rejection he registered with a dating agency. Obviously, he doesn't know that I know... Since then, we revived our sex life, even quite intensively, but he is still on the dating website emailing other woman for casual relationships. He does not have a clue that I know. What do I do now???
(this is the first time in our 5 year relationship)

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 05/10/2011 20:30

Confront him.

DaydreamDolly · 05/10/2011 20:30

You confront him and you both discuss where you go from here. Why haven't you taken him to task on it yet??

Northernlurker · 05/10/2011 20:32

Well is random casual cheating a deal breaker for you? If you're not bothered then don't do anything. However I guess you are bothered so you need to say ' I know you are doing this. If you want to stay married it stops now'

Then see what happens.

GeekLove · 05/10/2011 20:34

At the risk of sounding like the Mumsnet massif. Dump him. If you try and hold in to this relationship it will jus allow him to have his cake and eat it while you humiliate yourself. He has already detected.
What you can do is check out what you are entitled to with expect to benefits and maintenance.
From your OP it doesnt look like you are going to lose much in terms of support.

Northernlurker · 05/10/2011 20:41

I wouldn't dump him. I would scare him with my cunning and guile.

Original poster
confusedperson · 05/10/2011 20:41

I don't want to dump him (yet) because it is not convenient time in our lives, for at least another year. I don't want to confront him, because I will lose access to his emails, which I accidently gained 1.5 years ago. At the moment I feel that I have an advantage of "being informed". Obviously he got offended when I rejected him in bed, but continues to try his luck even after we reconciled. What about if I delete his account on a dating website and leave him wondering where did it disappear?

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 05/10/2011 20:43

How about you stop playing games and ask your husband if he wants to stay married?

ColdSancerre · 05/10/2011 20:45

He started looking for alternatives after one month of no sex between you? I would confrnt him if you do have definite proof.

KidderminsterKate · 05/10/2011 20:46

I'd register under a fake name and contact him through the website......

Xales · 05/10/2011 20:46

Have a conversation and let it be known what is acceptable for you within your relationship and what is a dealbreaker preferably while chopping some carrots with a large scary knife for dinner.

I wouldn't hold out much hope of a man who is off looking within roughly one month of drought at home, with 2 young children and being away for a fortnight. If you were ill for a month or longer would he think it was acceptable to allow himself to go elsewhere? Sad

Merlotmonster · 05/10/2011 20:46

it all sounds a bit clinical...you dont want to dump him because its not convenient yet??!!!??? strange

Flowerista · 05/10/2011 20:48

Cunning and guile. Hmmm...

Register with the online agency and contact him yourself in alias mode. Arrange to meet. Then you be at the place, say the park, with the kids all casual like at th appropriate time.

HTH Detective Inspector Flowerista

scarlettsmummy2 · 05/10/2011 20:49

you poor thing. Why do you want to stay with him when he is behaving like this? and why have you not confronted him at all?

Flowerista · 05/10/2011 20:49

X post with Kate x

Charbon · 05/10/2011 20:51

This sounds like a cat and mouse relationship.

You secretly managed to hack his E mails 18 months ago and by the sounds of it, have been snooping ever since and sex appears to be a means of barter on your side.

Meanwhile he leaves the family for 2 weeks (I'm assuming this wasn't work and that you were pissed off for a reason) and is now actively looking to be unfaithful with randoms. I'd guess he's done this before.

This is damaging you far more than you realise. Confront now and either sort it out or go your separate ways.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2011 20:53

I agree that it's important you have access to his email if he's up to this sort of thing.

Does he have a photo on the website? If so, you could say a friend has told you he's on there.

You could join yourself and email him, then out him, saying you are a friend, IYSWIM. Oh I know what I mean!

issey6cats · 05/10/2011 20:54

believe me having been exactly where you are now for the last year and a half this will eat you up knowing what he is doing, trying to find proof, (print out his messages on dating site) you will get to the stage where everytime he walks out the door you will wonder if hes meeting one of these women, you will find yourself obsessivly checking his e mails and profile on the site, checking his phone and feeling awful because you want to trust him but wont, and 12 months of this (in your words) will drive you crazy

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 05/10/2011 20:55

Are you thinking that if you confront him he'll simply 'go underground', change passwords etc, and you won't know what he's up to?

If you're trying to amass evidence to divorce him, you've already got enough (provided you've printed out what you've found) and, as the majority of divorces these days are on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' there's little point in waiting until he commits adultery.

If you want to save your marriage you're best advised to confront him now and work on your relationship, but I get the feeling that you don't love him and you're happy to delay the inevitable until it suits you.

Original poster
confusedperson · 05/10/2011 20:57

Knowing his nature, I bet, if I confront him, he would get scared, stop his dating activities, change his email password... and if he will start doing the same in the future, I will not know. I will loose an advantage of knowing what he is up to.
I am a bit lazy to register a fake account and organize a date with him, but maybe it is worth that? If I approach him with the children on his date, he would be scared for life!!
I guess I am looking at it practically, about inconvenience in time. He is looking after our children 3 days/week and it would be difficult to start being single mum. I would wait at least until the older child goes to school next year. To be honest, it is not pleasant, but we had our ups and downs and it is not the worst of them. But obviously, it is not acceptable. Maybe I am just a little tolerant of this because I saw, he got very very offended - not because he didn't get sex, but probably because I pushed him away physically. In a way, I also would like to see how far he would dare to go. Would he dare to go and actually meet someone? He hasn't even registered a proper dating account, just a couple of details... but has responded to some lady yesterday, after having a great night with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedperson · 05/10/2011 21:02

I am not sure how to confront him.. "darling I have been checking your email for 1.5 years and noticed.." Hmm

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 05/10/2011 21:08

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DuelingFanjo · 05/10/2011 21:08

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acrunchieandacupoftea · 05/10/2011 21:18

What about, if you're too afraid of talking to him/confronting him, talking to him about if he is happy and rekindling the romance between the two of you...

...sadly though it sounds as though you cannot trust him.

CoteDAzur · 05/10/2011 21:19

Is it a webmail account like Yahoo, Hotmail, or Gmail? If so, you need to find an opportunity to pass some time on his computer. Something like installing a new program, copying music or photos on a CD. Then you say you opened Internet Explorer/Safari and his account came automatically on because he didn't log out of it. That is how the mails and found out, not because you normally have access to his mails.

Original poster
confusedperson · 05/10/2011 21:41

We have our own laptops, so it is difficult to think of a reason why I needed his laptop. And yes, I am afraid to confront him. I am afraid that I will have to ask to leave, and I am not ready for that mentally. I am just not ready. Everything is too unexpected to me. Also, I always thought that you divorce when it is really bad, when you realise that you will be better off without him, and I am not sure, at least for practical reasons.
Sadly we had three great nights in a row (in my opinion), but it didn't stop him from going to the website. In a way, I see his behaviour as childish and immature and hope he will realise and stop soon, but on the other hand, I am not his mother..

OP posts: