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Original poster

Open marriages - SGB, can you help?

103 replies

mysecretname · 05/10/2011 20:24

Felt a bit bad PMing you, so am doing it kind of out in the open...except I've namechanged so...

Right, to anyone who isn't SGB, what I don't want is people coming on here and telling me why my DH and I shouldn't have an open marriage. Funnily enough, we've done all the talking and we're both very happy to have a 'see how things go' marriage with lots of communication and respect for each other. So don't tell me off please!

To SGB, and anyone with an open mind, or experience, I have a couple of technical questions...well, one big technical question:

When you meet someone you fancy, I would only ever be honest with them that I'm married. OK, now I have met someone, I have only ever been honest with him that I'm married. And we've flirted, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. But, if we kissed, I don't want him to think badly of me. I don't want him to think I'm the sort of person who cheats on her husband. And I don't want to kiss someone who is thinking that they're cuckolding my husband, who I love and respect.

But how on earth do you tell someone you're in an open marriage? Do you just say 'oh, by the way, I think you fancy me and I fancy you and my husband's fine with me having a fling'?? Which I don't think I could bring myself to do.

Can you help? Or at least point me in the direction of a good, trustworthy, non-weird website I could look at?

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 21:32

MSN, you didn't piss me off until you started taking issue with people's posts that didn't give you complete approbation, that is all

as you know, my earlier posts were pretty supportive, even though if you know me you will know this is very far from my own personal comfort zone

wamster · 07/10/2011 21:33

mysecretname, No offence but I still think that you're not a good candidate for an open marriage.

You don't want him to think badly of you if you kissed? This puzzles the heck out of me. Why would he think badly of you? Why if he is only after a fling would he spend his time thinking deeply about your domestic arrangements?

I have a balanced view of men and, I'm afraid to say men who are after no-strings-attached sex with women in open relationships don't think too deeply about the women they are involved with domestic arrangements, if you can't see this, well what can I say?

AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 21:38

disclaimers in OP's never, ever work

you have to accept the replies, even if you don't like 'em

just thanking the people who agree with you is twatty, IMO

MooncupGoddess · 07/10/2011 21:39

This 'men only care about sex' attitude is a bit weird. Men have emotions just like women do, you know.

I have lots of male friends, whom I don't sleep with but have close relationships with. I have a polyamorous friend and really his lifestyle is just like mine, except that he has sex with his opposite-sex friends and I don't. It requires a totally different way of understanding the world, but I don't see it as any less natural or functional than bourgeois monogamy is.

PeppermintPumpkin · 07/10/2011 21:45

Just going to weigh in with my twopenneth which I suspect you won't thank me for OP, but I did think this post was a bit "look at me" when I first read it through but I did comment in what I hoped was a supportive way but this has all gone a bit downhill really. I mean, why couldn't you have just PM'd SGB? This is an open forum after all so you have to expect the rough with the smooth, the dark with the vanilla, and the mundane of course. Whatever that is.

higgle · 07/10/2011 21:45

OP, why don't you have a look at the Loving Links forum - the people on there are very nice, you can just chat about things in the news, or share a joke and you might meet someone nice. Nothing seedy about it at all.

EightiesChick · 07/10/2011 21:46

If you get this sensitive about anonymous strangers making perfectly reasonable points on the internet, I can't help thinking that negotiating the kind of environment of explanations, justifications and so on that you're talking about is going to be a bit stressful. Ah well. Feel free to ignore my 'unhelpful' opinion.

wamster · 07/10/2011 21:47

See the 'don't want him to think badly of me' is indicative of somebody who is monogamous by nature. If the opening poster were truly the sort of person who could have an open relationship, whether or not he thought badly of her wouldn't cross her mind.

It would be: 'hey, I like you, my husband and I are in an open relationship, let's see each other'.

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 22:28

It would be: 'hey, I like you, my husband and I are in an open relationship, let's see each other'.

Well, yes!

I don't like your gender stereotyping, wamster (I'm used to it by now), but the above is the obvious point.

Which OP doesn't like, because we don't get how speshul she is

Regardless, OP, I wish all three of you (and whoever else joins in) a happy and fulfilling relationship :)

Original poster
mysecretname · 07/10/2011 22:29

Sorry.

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 22:34

Sorry for what ?

Look love, I never agree with wamster, but on this one I think he/she has a point

You don't have the front for this, in simple terms, seriously

If you can't cope with a few questions here, how will you deal with all the things thrown at you when you attempt something outside of the cultural norm

Every single person I know who leads a "different" kind of life has very thick skin and a "fuck you" attitude

You need it, rightly or wrongly, or you will get hurt yourself as well as blundering in and hurting others with your rather rosy view of the wonderful utopia of sex outside your marriage

You don't appear to have an actual clue

solidgoldbrass · 07/10/2011 22:36

Wamster, despite your long history of repeated derailing in the feminist forum with your insistence that men and women are separate species and sexism is 'natural', I'm going to address your point that if the OP were 'suitable' for open relationships she wouldn't care what people think.
Because we live in a sexist, heteromonogamist culture, one of the biggest obstacles to people sorting out the kind of relationships they would actually like to engage in is bullying from mundanes. Rejecting monogamy can lead to a lot of pressure, interference and abuse from mundanes even though you are not having sex with them or seeking sex with their monogamous partners.

Original poster
mysecretname · 07/10/2011 22:41

Seriously? Do you really think that people go from being curious in a 'different' lifestyle to being uber-confident with it instantly, AF?

I agree with you, it can take a lot of guts to go against the flow. I thought I made it clear that we are not yet 'in' this lifestyle, but are doing a lot of unlearning and learning.

Thank you all for your concern for me, and I'm sorry I threw it back in your face.

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 23:53

:) Dignified, OP, thanks :)
Good luck with it all.

Gay40 · 08/10/2011 00:28

I do think that expecting the other person, be they male or female, to give a toss about your husband is unrealistic. I simply believe that they won't give it a second thought.

bethelbeth · 08/10/2011 00:41

I don't agree with it personally, probably more so because I couldn't bear to even imagine DP having anything to do with anyone else.
I don't abhor it though, and I do understand that it works for some couples.

Just take it slow, same as any relationship really? You don't want to jump in too fast without thinking it all over. And also, you can never be sure what they want from the situation either!

Just let it play out. See how you feel about it, and let us know how it ends of course!!!

ike1 · 08/10/2011 01:06

As someone who has to share the presence of an OW in her childrens lives.. well I can accept that indeed the other person can bring positive influences into a child's life and indeed I welcome that. However, sexual jealousy? lack of control? ... I dunno its all a bit sludgy ..

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 08/10/2011 02:41

SGB - I get that you're probably overly sneery about monogamy as you've had to justify your own choices a lot, but what's with synonymising 'monogamy' with 'mundane'? It's odd.

Just because you've (generic) done God knows what in your misspent youth and then ended up in a sexual relationship with one person, doesn't define you, nor make you mundane. Odd that you seem to think it would. Having sex with multiple partners isn't the only way to be an interesting person.

I would also venture that you don't need to be having sex with people to add them to your family's circle and for there to be a variety of people enriching your children's lives. You seem determined to paint people who don't have sex with multiple partners as, yes, mundane and vanilla. And with a limited social circle! Odd.

On the flip side, and for what it's worth, I very much disagree that you can't be intimate with more than one person. The intimacy between any couple (whether a friendship, relationship or sexual) is unique - what I have with my husband is different from what I have with my best friend, say. I fully believe that you can have true intimacy with a husband and another sexual partner.

I also think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time on the naive front. I can understand where she is coming from with her original query, and don't think that you necessarily have to be hard-nosed in order to be able to have an open-relationship at all. Surely she will be looking for like-minded people as any of us doing when entering into a new relationship or friendship, and I don't see why you have to be one particular personality type in order to successfully have sex with more than one partner. You may need a certain amount of steeliness to deal with other people's opinions but not necessarily for the open nature of your relationship.

solidgoldbrass · 08/10/2011 09:10

It's not being monogamous that makes you a mundane. It's insisting that monogamy is the only way to conduct your sex life (despite the fact that monogamy is a patriarchal social construct and not 'natural' at all) that makes you a mundane. Mundanes generally don't like their own lives very much but what really gives them the shits is the idea that other people do things differently and get away with it.

helendigestives · 08/10/2011 10:41

I know a married couple where she has a longterm boyfriend and he has a longterm girlfriend (and the boyfriend and girlfriend each have other partners too). They are quiet, introspective folk and the way to keep it all happy seems to be communication. :) I know it can be an excellent arrangement which makes everyone happy. Best of luck, OP.

wamster · 08/10/2011 12:06

Actually any accusations of sexism on my part are a red herring.

If I were a single female, and a man I fancied very much was in an open relationship I definitely would see it as a chance to have a bit of fun no-strings-attached sex. I wouldn't want to know about his home life to the nth degree. It would be: let's meet up and have fun.

If he started blathering on about how he would never leave his wife for me BLAH BLAH BLAH it would be: 'who the f* do you think you are?! Do you think you're that special'. I'd think him arrogant.

wamster · 08/10/2011 12:08

solidgoldbrass Most people don't give a monkey's about other people's sex lives. They're too wrapped up in their own.

higgle · 08/10/2011 15:19

Wamster - I'd say most people find other people's sex lives absoloutely fascinating - no tabloid press without it!

Gay40 · 08/10/2011 15:29

In every place I've ever worked, there's been an endless fascination with other people's sex lives, regardless of flavour.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 08/10/2011 19:07

Gawd, where has she said that she wants to divulge her entire relationship to the bloke? She simply wants to tell him she has another one, not everything about it.

Nor has she said she will be saying that she'll never leave her husband blah-de-blah. Telling the bloke she's in an open rellie (and therefore has her partner's consent) implies that without actually having to say it.

You're reading too much into things, wamster.