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Original poster

Open marriages - SGB, can you help?

103 replies

mysecretname · 05/10/2011 20:24

Felt a bit bad PMing you, so am doing it kind of out in the open...except I've namechanged so...

Right, to anyone who isn't SGB, what I don't want is people coming on here and telling me why my DH and I shouldn't have an open marriage. Funnily enough, we've done all the talking and we're both very happy to have a 'see how things go' marriage with lots of communication and respect for each other. So don't tell me off please!

To SGB, and anyone with an open mind, or experience, I have a couple of technical questions...well, one big technical question:

When you meet someone you fancy, I would only ever be honest with them that I'm married. OK, now I have met someone, I have only ever been honest with him that I'm married. And we've flirted, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. But, if we kissed, I don't want him to think badly of me. I don't want him to think I'm the sort of person who cheats on her husband. And I don't want to kiss someone who is thinking that they're cuckolding my husband, who I love and respect.

But how on earth do you tell someone you're in an open marriage? Do you just say 'oh, by the way, I think you fancy me and I fancy you and my husband's fine with me having a fling'?? Which I don't think I could bring myself to do.

Can you help? Or at least point me in the direction of a good, trustworthy, non-weird website I could look at?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 06/10/2011 11:45

When younger I thought I'd end up in an open marriage, I was a big Simone de Beauvoir fan and thought her relationship with Satre sounded better than many marriages I'd seen even if the openness made them both miserable at times.
I now don't think I have the temperament for it. I'm more of a seriel monogomist and suspect if I started seeing another bloke all interest in my husband would fade.
We still talk about swinging as a possibility though, but are too terrified to do anything. Programmes on swingers don't help as the folk in them always seem thick and strange.

AnyF · 06/10/2011 13:14

Showing my ignorance there wrt to the swinging

What I mean is, it's a safe environment where the "rules" are accepted by those within the community IYSWIM

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 16:28

Curious: Opening up a relationship that is already in big trouble is always going to make things worse, I'm afraid. To make an open marriage work you have to have respect for each other, patience, a sense of fairness and the ability to be honest with yourself and other people. If one partner in a marriage is unreasonable, selfish, inclined to tell lies and feels superior to the other partner, better to dump that person and move on, regardless of the monogamy-status of the marriage.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 18:47

Was stiffing stiffs not to your taste AF, or are you waiting 'til the end of the month for more nefarious necro encounters?

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:58

Not all men like sharing, and finding someone who will share you with your husband will be hard, the only thing you will get out of a relationship is sex. I guess that is really all you want anyway.

Try Adult Friend Finder for men who only want sex, as that is all you have to offer.

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 19:35

izzy...work MN'ing does not lend itself to shagging corpses

bloody boring, but essential to have non-sweary name (filters and all that)

AttillaTheMum · 06/10/2011 19:44

A friend of mine outwardly says - I am in an open marriage

Original poster

mysecretname · 06/10/2011 20:58

That's interesing, Attilla - how does that work for her? How do the men respond, do you know?

Fabby - that's a bit of a generalisation, and a snotty response. Not sure what the point of it was, but thanks anyway

SGB - been thinking about what you said in your first response to me. I don't think I'll be telling too many people about our open marriage, simply because of ignorant responses. However, would be very interested to know yours, or people you know's, experiences of starting relationships with people as one half of an open marriage. How do you or they broach it? What sort of responses do they get? Do they get believed?

I'm not sure TES really answered those questions for me, so I guess I'll invest in the other book you mentioned too, but would love to actually talk to someone about it!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 23:47

MSN: Hmm. Most of the people I know who are living in monogamy-free set ups do tend to socialise (and have sex with) people who already know the score, whether that's swingers or people on the BDSM/poly/generally alternative scene. Or morris dancers for some reason, an awful lot of my morris/folky friends have at least dabbled.
I think that it is a bit trickier starting anything with someone whose views on monogamy you don't yet know. They might run off screaming and let loose the Monogamy Police. Or they might want to meet your OH and reassure themselves that you are not bullshitting, before they will agree to go on a date or have sex with you.

IN general I would still always say: be true to yourself and fair to other people, and if other people can't cope with you being Not Like Them then they are the ones with a problem.

Original poster

mysecretname · 06/10/2011 23:58

Thank you x

OP posts:

Gay40 · 07/10/2011 09:58

I like to think I'm open minded about most things, but the thought of morris dancers (just in general) makes me feel a bit Victorian Dad.

solidgoldbrass · 07/10/2011 10:03

Morris dancers have an awful lot more sex than most mundanes assume, you know .

AnyF · 07/10/2011 10:47

fiventhree · 07/10/2011 11:42

I have a friend in an open marriage and, although I dont ask the details, these days, I think she still does and he doesnt.I dont know whether her partner sees others too, as she says she hasnt asked. It seems to work well, in that they have alot of respect and affection for each other. The has always been very honest with him about the situation, from what she has told me. It has gone on for some years, and they have kids together.

Its a damn sight better than the situation which some of us are in, where an open partnership was offered at the outset and firmly rejected, but we think they are not entirely faithful anyway, on down the line.

AnyF · 07/10/2011 12:05

fiventhree you see I would say that is the ultimate in selfishness

to dabble outside of the marriage yourself, but don't sanction the other partner doing it

not fair

and shouldn't be tolerated

fiventhree · 07/10/2011 12:11

Too true.

Although that isnt the situation my friend is in. She is doing it and honest, and fine with him doing same. So she sanctions him doing it. She doesnt ask for details, and he doesnt offer any details, of whether he is or isnt. She tells him if he asks.

DrunkenDaisy · 07/10/2011 12:11

Morris Dancers!! Hilarious. Sorry but that totally reinforces my prejudice against all this.

wamster · 07/10/2011 14:46

Actually, I think fabbychic's response treads just the right balance between non-judgementalism and reality.
After all, all you want from these other men is sex and excitement (nothing wrong with that at all. I suspect most of us would have different sexual partners if it were socially acceptable) , right? I mean what else is there to have with them? Emotional intimacy? How can emotional intimacy be had with more than one person? Intimacy, by definition, can only really be between two people else it is just something that is shared with everybody else.

Face it, it's about sex and excitement for you, but don't pretend it's some altruistic venture because it is not.

I don't think you need worry that much as no-strings-attached sex appeals to a hell of a lot of men and once they've got over initial shock of an open marriage-and it is still shocking to some, not because it is wrong, but because it is unusual- they'll be more than happy to go along with it. As long as they're sure there'll be no irate husband wanting to punch them!

AnyF · 07/10/2011 14:49

I reckon sgb is a secret morris dancer

wamster · 07/10/2011 15:02

I have dug up some stats from the university of the bleedin' obvious that say that 99.9% of men are open to the idea of no-strings-attached sex with an attractive woman. Problem solved.

PeppermintPumpkin · 07/10/2011 15:26

I think I agree with you wamster. I think it's a realistic appraisal of all this and I agree that it's the social norms that prevent more people from thinking this way. It's really no big deal, if all involved know the score and are ok with it. I'm not sure if you were expecting shock and/or disgust OP, and I make that observation kindly, but to me it's just another way of living the life.

The big problem here, as with all other set-ups, is trust and respect, and honesty.

wamster · 07/10/2011 16:09

The opening poster did ask if there was any reason why she should not do this and I think that there may be one.
It's not that I am against open marriages (live and let live) that I think she should think very carefully about this, it's not because of any moral judgement on open marriages at all.
But, as a person, the opening poster seems a bit naive about how men work. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it does seem that way to me.
I mean the business about not wanting the guy she mentioned to think badly of her, to be honest, he knows she is married and they are flirting -does he even care? Maybe he doesn't really give two hoots about her and is after sex only. Maybe her personal morality does not matter one jot to him.

His attitude may well be: 'I don't give a shit about her as a person. I just want a leg over'.

In other words, she is not wise to the ways of men. Should a person so naive about men be in an open marriage? No, is my answer.

MrMan · 07/10/2011 16:30

It's really hard for me to understand. Faithfulness & loyalty are top of the 'what's important' list for me in a relationship, both emotional and physical. I don't get how that's possible to keep.

That said - if both parties are honest and agree then it is their choice. OP has every right to ask for advice and support in setting up her lifestyle, and moral flag-waving posts are not going to help anyone. So best of luck OP and hope it all works out for you.

wamster · 07/10/2011 16:35

If you need advice and support on how to set up an open marriage, you shouldn't be in one . OK, bit harsh, but there's truth there all the same.

I mean she doesn't want her prospective lover to think this way or that way about her. He may not think anything of her other than a sexual partner.
Of course, he may think more of her and want a relationship with her, but there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement that he may -like a lot of men- be after a quick leg-over with a married woman and that's that.

Gay40 · 07/10/2011 18:32

I am not a man, but I have to say IF I was single and an attractive woman was showing a definite interest and she said she was married but not monogamous and wanted a fling (and that was all I wanted similarly), I wouldn't be dwelling on the nature of their non-monogamous agreement. I don't think I'd give it much thought, and I certainly wouldn't spend any time respecting her husband or any of that blah.
If I wanted a relationship, then that's another matter.

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