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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Open marriages - SGB, can you help?

103 replies

mysecretname · 05/10/2011 20:24

Felt a bit bad PMing you, so am doing it kind of out in the open...except I've namechanged so...

Right, to anyone who isn't SGB, what I don't want is people coming on here and telling me why my DH and I shouldn't have an open marriage. Funnily enough, we've done all the talking and we're both very happy to have a 'see how things go' marriage with lots of communication and respect for each other. So don't tell me off please!

To SGB, and anyone with an open mind, or experience, I have a couple of technical questions...well, one big technical question:

When you meet someone you fancy, I would only ever be honest with them that I'm married. OK, now I have met someone, I have only ever been honest with him that I'm married. And we've flirted, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. But, if we kissed, I don't want him to think badly of me. I don't want him to think I'm the sort of person who cheats on her husband. And I don't want to kiss someone who is thinking that they're cuckolding my husband, who I love and respect.

But how on earth do you tell someone you're in an open marriage? Do you just say 'oh, by the way, I think you fancy me and I fancy you and my husband's fine with me having a fling'?? Which I don't think I could bring myself to do.

Can you help? Or at least point me in the direction of a good, trustworthy, non-weird website I could look at?

OP posts:

corinewmoon · 07/10/2011 18:46

Just popping in to add my own story.
I seperated from My H about 3 years ago. I am now in a relationship with someone who has another long term GF(20 years) , She knows all about me and we all went out to dinner the other night for the first time. I have been seeing my BF for about 18 months. (took a long time to over come anxieties about meeting he primary partner, she is monogamus)He previously had a secondary relationship for 10 years ( they all wnet on holiday together etc )
this style of relationship has taught me a llot about my own communciation skills and improving them.
This style of relationship works for me because i do not want bring another man into my Ds s life. Dating a single man could add pressure i dont want.

I have also been to swingers clubs and i think they are a good introduction for couples wantign to explore open relationships, there is no pressure at all everyone was very respecful.

wamster · 07/10/2011 19:08

The opening poster says that she does not want to kiss somebody who is thinking that she is cuckholding her husband. Well, fair enough, but where is the acknowledgement that how other people feel is out of her hands?
Where is the realistic-OK perhaps a bit cynical attitude that comes with experience and age? Surely that is essential if a person is to play with situations that could possibly turn unpleasant or, if not, unpleasant needing a wide scope of knowledge of how others feel?
I don't know; I think she came on here expecting people to be all judgemental of her wanting an open marriage, I don't think many are.
But I would question if the opening poster is right kind of person to have one. I don't think that she is. Only she knows but, hey, if you're going to ask questions on a forum, expect people to add their twopenny worth.

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 19:31

That's how I felt, wamster. With due apologies for no doubt being wrong: your OP seemed rather manipulative to me. You're concerned about how to manage OM's concerns, before you've even given him a chance to be concerned! You're clearly in love with the secret glances and giggles, etc, but how does tingly secrecy match up with the principles of an open relationship? In short, you sound as if you're contemplating an affair.

Can't for the life of me see why you don't just go for it, complete with DH's approval - by text/phone to OM if needs be.

Original poster

mysecretname · 07/10/2011 20:28

Sorry for not responding sooner -have been out all day.

Ignoring judgemental and unkind posts.

MrMan - thank you :)

Corine - that's really helpful. DH and my talks have extended to the thought that actually having other adults in our lives (not to live, I hasten to add - our house is far too small to start with, and I don't want this to be too public, because of the attitudes of most people) could be an amazingly positive thing. I love the idea of another woman being a close (very) friend of the family. I'm really surprised I feel this way!

OP posts:

wamster · 07/10/2011 20:33

Yes, if she wishes to go down this route (although I really do not think she is right for it, I'm not dumb enough to assume that a few words on an internet forum are going to change her mind) she should just say that she is an open relationship and leave it at that.

I'd personally leave out all the spiel about him 'respecting her husband' and all that stuff. I would also avoid giving him a lecture about how she will never leave her husband for him.

If he is only after a quick fling, he won't care what she comes out with-he'll just want a leg over.
If, however, he wants a relationship with her, he'll run a mile because he'll be scared off- I mean who the heck goes down the 'I won't have a long-term relationship with you' spiel on a first 'date'. ?
I'd think: arrogant bloody so-and-so, I may not want a relationship with the person who told me that!

It's a very female view, though, to think that this guy is after a relationship, isn't it? He may just be after a quick and not give a shit about her domestic arrangements.

wamster · 07/10/2011 20:34

Nobody is being judgemental about the fact that you want an open relationship, can't you see that? Nobody cares.

Saying that you may not be right for one is not passing judgement on open relationships themselves. I'm no fount of morality- I can tell you that for certain.

corinewmoon · 07/10/2011 20:36

sounds like what you may be contemplating is a polyamorous life style :)
Here is a link to a poly forum
www.polyamory.com/

incognitopenguingirl · 07/10/2011 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mysecretname · 07/10/2011 20:42

I'm ignoring posts that aren't answering the question I asked, as I said I would do in my OP.

Wamster - you're making judgements about me which is far more unpleasant than judging something that no one would blame you for not understanding.

Corine - thank you.

OP posts:

wamster · 07/10/2011 20:46

There aren't any unkind posts. Apart from one or two people, nobody has said that open relationships are wrong. Nobody.

Saying, 'hey, are you sure about this? You sound a bit naive as to men actually work. This guy may not actually give a toss about your domestic arrangements and just be after a leg over' is not being unkind. It's giving a realistic assessment of how some men are'.

solidgoldbrass · 07/10/2011 20:46

I've seen a few stupid posts from monogamist mundanes, but that's only to be expected. Oh and don't listen to Wamster, OP, she/he/it has terribly rigid and ignorant views on gender (men think with their dicks, women are all about lurve).
And that is another good point about monogamy-free living: more people to be part of your family's life. Children, mostly, are quite happy to have other nice, friendly, loving adults in their lives - and children can also cope with other adults going out of their lives as well. Don't forget that all the alleged bad things that might happen in open relationships can happen in monogamist ones, too. People fall out with each other (enough threads on here about people who fall out with siblings and in-laws who are then out of the DC's lives whatever the DC think about it). People reveal themselves to be less than nice and have to be cut off. And people sometimes die.

wamster · 07/10/2011 20:47

Of course I'm making judgements about you -this is an internet forum! You seem to have it in your head that this guy will care about your domestic arrangements. Most guys after a fling with a married woman don't care as long as some irate husband is not after them. You seem so naive.

wamster · 07/10/2011 20:49

solidgoldbrass, no I don't think women are all about 'lurve' actually, and, yes, men who have flings with married women are usually after only sex.

Original poster

mysecretname · 07/10/2011 20:59

I think it's really sad you have that view of men, Wamster :( You must think very little of them. It's certainly not the case for the men I have in my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

mysecretname · 07/10/2011 21:00

Wamster - I said right at the beginning that I wasn't posting here to be advised not to do this.

SGB - Would you mind if I PMd you about this? This thread is beginning to feel far less pleasant than it was initially.

OP posts:

wamster · 07/10/2011 21:01

The trouble with solidgoldbrass is that she/he/it whatever, is that they are so into their alternative lifestyles that it becomes like some kind of a religion and alternative lifestyles can never be criticised at all by anybody lest they get accused of being narrow-minded.

I mean this idea that open relationships are some kind of haven and that the only people involved in them are 'nice, friendly adults'. People are no more likely to be nice and friendly in an open relationship than a normal one.

wamster · 07/10/2011 21:03

So pointing out that a man who wants no-strings-attached sex with you may not actually give a shit about you is having a low opinion of men? .

AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 21:05

OP, I don't think anyone is advising you not to do this

Why are you thinking that ?

There have been a couple of eeww posts but you can safely ignore those

But the posters going into more detail are flagging up potental difficulties you may not have even thought about. Tbh, if anyone is narrow minded on this thread it is you

You have decided you are doing this

You should have just p,m'ed sgb and be done with it

You are not so naive you didn't know you would people who question you here

People who start threads then get pissed off when people post alternative suggestions piss me off, tbh

You are attempting to direct your replies

This is Mumsnet...that will never happen

solidgoldbrass · 07/10/2011 21:07

OP, you're welcome to PM me. As is anyone else with similar queries.

AnyCorpseFucker · 07/10/2011 21:07

You are not so naive you didn't know you would people who question you here

I don't know what that sentence means either ...

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 21:12

I'm in a very good mood :)
So here you go, OP:

Of course you should snog this man, ask him out and hit him with the news just as you're about to rip each other's clothes off.
Is that better?

balia · 07/10/2011 21:18

"is that she/he/it whatever"

What an utterly foul thing to say. SGB gives fantastic, non-judgemental advice, when asked, and is a real asset to any forum. Implying that somehow living an alternative lifestyle renders someone somehow subhuman ('it') is the nastiest thing I have seen on mumsnet.

wamster · 07/10/2011 21:22

balia Read, her post about me before passing judgement.

Original poster

mysecretname · 07/10/2011 21:23

Wamster and garlic both said that they thought I wasn't a good candidate for an open marriage.

AF - sorry I've pissed you off. I respect you, so that's a bit hard to read, but hey ho! I tried putting a disclaimer in the OP, and also didn't want to presume that it would be OK to PM SGB. Now I know it is, I will do so, and not post further on this thread.

Thank you to everyone who has commented. Whatever you think I have read and absorbed everything you've written.

OP posts:

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 21:25

I said that? Blimey, I didn't notice!

Apologies on behalf of my invisible posting twin!

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