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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal in a sexual relationship is it?

42 replies

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 14:51

Been single for a while now and am hoping to get back into dating again soon. I had bad experiences with my ex though regarding sex/disrespect and I just want to confirm that this is NOT normal or is it me that's a bit "uptight"?

Basically we would have gone to bed. I would turn my back to him and start trying to fall asleep. He would move up close behind me (spoon?) and hug me. He'd then start trying to direct his penis into me and say stuff like "am I on target? do I need to be up or down?" etc even though I was not responding to him at all and making it obvious I wasn't interested. Everytime I heard those words "am I on target" I just wanted to punch him. So I just need to confirm, this wasn't normal was it? normal men don't try and direct themselves into their partner when she has her back turned to him do they?

Finally, could aspergers be to blame for this? he had many signs of aspergers, I'm just wondering if this could be one of them.

OP posts:

Threaders · 05/10/2011 15:00

In a word, no. Not normal at all. I'm a bloke and wouldn't ever dream of acting in that way. That's just bizarre. Yes, you might try and cosy up in that way and see whether your partner responds, but if there was no response at all I think most men would get the message very quickly.

Sorry, no idea about the aspergers as I have no experience of it.

Loobyloo1902 · 05/10/2011 15:02

Agreeing with Threaders, that doesn't qualify as foreplay in my book.

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:03

Threaders, thanks for your reply, even more interesting coming from a man (we need more of you on here!).

He would carry this on for over an hour sometimes despite no response from me and when I did get annoyed he'd go off in a huff. Good to know it's not normal and that I won't have to put up with that again!

OP posts:

bellsring · 05/10/2011 15:03

Lack of respect of you/no respect by him of boundaries or none clearly laid down by you in the past/did it because he could.

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:03

Sorry Looby, crossed post.

OP posts:

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:04

double crossed post with Bells!

OP posts:

prh47bridge · 05/10/2011 15:04

Whilst I do sometimes direct myself into my wife when she has her back turned on me this is always very much with her consent and follows a period of foreplay. I would never cuddle up behind her and immediately attempt to penetrate, nor would I use phrases such as "am I on target". This is not normal behaviour. Sadly I have known a number of men who don't seem to know how to behave when they are living with someone. I remember one acquaintance whose approach to seducing his wife was to say, "I wonder if I'm going to get lucky tonight". He genuinely couldn't understand why his wife reacted negatively to this approach.

I have no idea if this behaviour could be blamed on Aspergers.

prh47bridge · 05/10/2011 15:05

Cross posted with everyone!

prh47bridge · 05/10/2011 15:06

But carrying on in this way for over an hour when you were not responding is definitely not normal.

krispykremeaddict · 05/10/2011 15:08

No it is not normal. Spooning is lovely, sometimes it can lead to sex, but sometimes it's just cuddly and cute - spooning shouldn't have to be followed by forking (geddit?). One of my exes tried to hump me while I was sleeping, and whilst at first, there's not necessarily anything wrong with putting some nice moves on, sleepy sex when both kind of waking up can be lovely, when one party has made it clear they're not interested, it's just not acceptable. I agree with Threaders.

I have since been involved with a man that often asks if I'm happy going to the bedroom or if I'm okay with having sex. He is a breath of fresh air (and it's not in a feathery stroker way either).

Grumpla · 05/10/2011 15:11

Ewwww! No, no, NO!

That is really... icky. You are not just a "target" FFS.

Next time you choose a sexual partner, you need to choose one who a) respects you b) has at least a basic knowledge of female anatomy and c) who wants to have sex WITH you not just in / to you.

I'm a bit concerned that you would even THINK this was normal or acceptable behaviour or that you were in any way 'uptight' for not enjoying this.

Perhaps a good rule you could adopt is "no penetration before orgasm" (yours, obviously!) that would certainly help to filter the men from the boys IYSWIM.

He could go on for an hour like this?!?!? Jesus, I would have punched him in the face had major issues with that kind of behaviour.

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:12

Oh prh, he did that too "I wonder if I will get lucky tonight" he would also somehow get me to agree on schedueled sex (this would often happen by me turning him down, him going in a mood and saying something like "tommorow then?" and me just saying "yeah whatever"), he'd then nag and nag and pressure all that day "reminding" me of our "deal". It was such a turn off and turned it into a chore.

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 05/10/2011 15:16

No, it's not normal, or ok

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:21

Tab that was what I was thinking. He would often complain that I didn't make it obvious that I didn't want to but short of kicking him in the balls I don't see how much more obvious I could make it. I did often simply tell him "I don't feel like it tonight so please don't do that" but he'd still carry on and say things like "but I can get you in the mood".

OP posts:

Original poster

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:22

Or another gem of his: "But you don't need to do anything, just lay there". (I know that one isn't right!)

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 05/10/2011 15:32

well if you're at the point where you're saying it - then I think that's more just to do with him being an arse, lol

BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 15:37

Finally, could aspergers be to blame for this? he had many signs of aspergers, I'm just wondering if this could be one of them.

what does that matter? if you arent happy with his behaviour, you arent happy regardless of labels

wamster · 05/10/2011 15:44

I think it is safe to say that he was an useless lover who had little idea of what turned women on.
You could very well be right about it having something to do with Apserger's. In which case, feel sorry for his condition while at the same time congratulate yourself that his behaviour is no longer wearing you down and you are free of it. Be glad you are rid of him, OK from what you say here he never forced himself upon you, and that is -obviously- good, but, what a massive pain in the rear to tell a man over and over that you don't want sex with him.
Breathe a sigh of relief and move on.

prh47bridge · 05/10/2011 16:37

I don't ever want to have sex with a woman who just lays there. Where's the fun in that?

He obviously had no idea how to behave with women. I'm sure you will do better next time.

toddlerama · 05/10/2011 16:44

My only experience of aspergers is in small children, but they do often lack the ability to decode others behaviour into a feeling. For example a sad face means nothing. You would have to explicitly say "you are making me feel sad when you do that". So possibly it is why he couldn't pick up on your cues of ignoring, turning your back etc.

Also, it is very typical to be a stickler for holding people to appointments or dates. Changing plans on some one with aspergers can cause them a huge amount of distress. So saying, "tomorrow instead" and then not wanting to have sex tomorrow would be a huge issue for him.

HOWEVER, if he can't overcome these issues in a sexual context he simply shouldn't be in a sexual relationship. They certainly aren't things that you should be happy to accomodate because he may or may not be able to help his behaviour. So whilst what you describe does sound quite typically aspergers, you don't have to be in a relationship like that if it makes you uncomfortable in any way. I certainly wouldn't consider putting up with those behaviours in a sexual context!

kunahero · 05/10/2011 19:51

Another 'male' view here.

'Am I on target?' I thinks he is confusing japseye with bullseye!

This is not normal behaviour.

As for the aspergers again I only have experience with small children so couldnt comment on this but his actions are just wrong on every level.

Fairenuff · 05/10/2011 22:37

I am curious as to whether he has always done this. What was it like in the begining when he surely could not have assumed that he had a right to demand sex from you. He must have had some other moves. Did he just get lazy?

And no, this is not normal, or acceptable, behaviour.

BibiBlocksberg · 05/10/2011 22:55

So THAT'S where my ex is now! Sorry OP, bit flippant there but by the time i read his 'gem' of 'you don't need to do anything' I was convinced.

I endured ten years of that crap and blamed myself for the unacceptable
pressuring and whining and all the rest of it.

It's not you, he's being an unreasonable arse who thinks to have sex 'on you' and not with you is his right (it bloody isn't!!!)

solidgoldbrass · 05/10/2011 23:14

It's not normal.

It's pretty much rape. You say no, you move away, you keep saying no, you keep moving away, but he doesn't stop until he's got his cock into you.
That's rape.

susiedaisy · 06/10/2011 09:28

Had similar problems with my exH it seems some idiots never got the memo that said NO means fucking NO!

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