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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal in a sexual relationship is it?

42 replies

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 14:51

Been single for a while now and am hoping to get back into dating again soon. I had bad experiences with my ex though regarding sex/disrespect and I just want to confirm that this is NOT normal or is it me that's a bit "uptight"?

Basically we would have gone to bed. I would turn my back to him and start trying to fall asleep. He would move up close behind me (spoon?) and hug me. He'd then start trying to direct his penis into me and say stuff like "am I on target? do I need to be up or down?" etc even though I was not responding to him at all and making it obvious I wasn't interested. Everytime I heard those words "am I on target" I just wanted to punch him. So I just need to confirm, this wasn't normal was it? normal men don't try and direct themselves into their partner when she has her back turned to him do they?

Finally, could aspergers be to blame for this? he had many signs of aspergers, I'm just wondering if this could be one of them.

OP posts:

bellsring · 06/10/2011 09:44

No doesn't mean no to a controlling person (or an immature one?).HullEnzia-Somehow,I don't think you'll be accepting this selfish pig/entitled kind of behaviour in the future.

wamster · 06/10/2011 13:15

Rape occurs when a man actually puts his penis inside a woman without her consent. He actually has to do it. Nagging somebody to have sex but accepting their refusal is a major pain in the arse for the person being asked and is harassing them. If, however, the 'asker' does not proceed to place his penis inside the woman, he has not raped her.

I do not know -and cannot know- if the op's ex did have sex with her against her will, nevertheless, I think it is completely irresponsible to hint in any way shape or form that he is guilty of actual rape based upon her words here

Hullygully · 06/10/2011 13:21

am I on target?

At least he was trying

GiveMeSomeSpace · 06/10/2011 13:30

OP - another bloker here. No it isn't normal

GiveMeSomeSpace · 06/10/2011 13:31

bloker - what's a bloker?

Bizkit · 06/10/2011 13:44

Sounds very similar to my ex, he said sometimes when I say no I dont actually mean it and he could get me in the mood, that was probably my own fault as at times I did give in. We are currently separated but have had some really good sex a few times since we split, so I suppose the pressure was just eased off a bit.
He wants to make a go of things but Im still unsure of what to do, your post has reminded me of the reasons we split in the first place.

bubblegumpop · 06/10/2011 14:06

Why is it, when men behave like shits, and are total arseholes. WHY WHY WHY do people insist more and more, that it must be an undiagnosed mental disability on the ASD spectrum such as Aspergers.

It really annoys me and is bloody insulting to those who really do suffer with these mental disabilities. No wonder children and adults really struggle to get understanding and are judged by society. It's becoming that throw around label, to unofficially diagnose all shitty behaviour with, as people start looking for a reason, for just shit behaviour.

No it's not normal.

carernotasaint · 06/10/2011 16:42

Bubblegumpop i totally agree. Ive noticed on many forums that the Aspergers excuse is used a lot to justify mens behaviour but women usually dont get nearly as many excuses made for us. We usually get told it must be PMT or that we are bitches.

Strangedays · 06/10/2011 16:51

The words he used could well be because of ASD traits. They would problably not refer to 'target' in a destructive way, just Am I in the right place? Using that phrase consistently would be typical of ASD. However, in future, if you wanted to continue in a relationship with someone with ASD, it would be important to be very direct and say you don't like those words. Give him other words to use. Also, it would be worth making it very clear that turning your back to him means you are not in the mood. Laying out ground rules would make both partners happier.

Men with ASD can be as varied and wonderful as other men but they need a willingness from their partner to understand their condition and be far more frank than usual. Tony Attwood is a good author to read.

bubblegumpop · 06/10/2011 17:18

That's my point, he isn't ASD, op thinks he maybe due to other things, so has no doubt researched the "traits". People can make things fit, if it gives them a reason. If people Google too much, you'll all be asd, have cancer, heart disease, etc. He dosen't have a diagnosis. In op's opinion he had other traits. Another example of how this quite serious mental disability is being minimised. People reading self diagnosis as gospel.

I'm noticing it more and more on here and in real life. That women are throwing around the label of ASPIE, with no medical diagnosis, to try and justify hugely shitty behaviour.

Men can be obsessive, inconsiderate rude arseholes, ok without being "aspie" so can women.

It's this label that seems the new fad to chuck around to justify bad behaviour.

It is offensive. As it makes it harder and harder for people genuinely, mentally disabled, to get help. As it's just seen as the "shit behaviour excuse".

No wonder kids with this life long DISABILITY, get funny looks when they can queue jump or claim DLA (Dependant on severity). As it seems to be the "in" thing to self diagnose everyone who acts like a shit as ASD. As an excuse to help reason or justify said behaviour. Some people are just wankers that's that.

valiumredhead · 06/10/2011 17:19

I think your behaviour sounds odd too tbh, you say you lay there for over an hour while he did this? Didn't you just tell him to just fuck off? Was he violent, were you scared of him?

bellsring · 06/10/2011 17:41

HullEnzia How was this ex in other aspects of your relationship?Other than the sex?

TheSecondComing · 06/10/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryLittleGraveEaters · 06/10/2011 18:24

I was just about to write a long ranty post about Aspergers(usually self-diagnosed) being used to excuse all kinds of egregious behaviour,but bubblegumpop beat me to it.

My exH was like this, even down to the 'well you don't have to do anything, just lie there' spiel and he certainly didn't have Aspergers; he was just a selfish, over-entitled twat.

And a rapist.

garlicScaresVampires · 06/10/2011 18:34

I also think he has an undiagnosed disorder - Entitled Wanker Who Thinks Women Don't Count syndrome (known as EWS).

No, OP, it's not normal or desirable. People are only entitled to have sex with you when you're participating fully and enthusiastically. No buts, maybes or exceptions.

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 20:20

I am glad he is your ex

The End

Ratata · 06/10/2011 21:26

When you say "even though I was not responding to him at all and making it obvious I wasn't interested" - do you actually say to him that you aren't wanting to have sex? Or are you doing nothing at all? If you are saying to him you don't want it then fair enough he's an arse. I really don't think it's rape though unless he's actually putting it in there and you are saying 'no'.

Dunno... me and DP are different. We will both do this to each other and test the waters while spooning. If one says they don't want anything though we stop. Someone mentioned sex while the other person is sleeping is wrong... not to us ;) It's a total turn on to wake up having sex! Well for us anyway...

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