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Original poster

help re Asperger'ssyndrome

66 replies

catdoctor · 04/10/2011 11:45

I've posted this in health too, but anyone out there with experience on Asperger's syndrome in adults? I've been with DH 20yrs and not sure how much more of his weirdness I can take - I am v suspcious he has AS and so maybe there's help out there for him or me? Any info on symptoms?

OP posts:
RhinoKey · 04/10/2011 11:49

What traits does he have that make you think AS?

issey6cats · 04/10/2011 13:04

being a spectrum not everyone has the same traits or habits, but my STBXh has aspergers and so has one of his sons all i can add is from personal experience, very little empathy if your upset dont expect sympathy and cuddles expect why you crying its stupid, expect him not to have any or many friends, expect everything to have an order that its got to be done in any change in order of day or something done spontainiously without checking with them first results in sulk on thier part and trying to make you rescind your idea, fixed ideas, fixed food preferences will watch a program or film they like over and over again to the point where you the partner wants to scream i dont want to watch this bloody film again there is and autism forum loads of knowledgeable people on there

Original poster
catdoctor · 04/10/2011 13:50

Thanx for replies - main thing is lack of empathy/sympathy, talking on and on at people when their eyes glaze over, no friends really, doesn't do the rigid order thing but does move from hobby to hobby and is obsessive about each one, then cast aside, becomes obsessed to finish a job/make something happen when inappropriate regards time/place, doesn't have the stereotypical behviour but when in obsessive mode willlierally walk through other people in the way, dyslexic, very bright and good at job, doesn't learn from experience- does the same thing over and over and gets angry when gets the same outcome, can't see the bleeding obvious.
What distresses me most is lack of communication - I don;t feel we ever tal about anything beyond bare facts.
So, is it me??

OP posts:
Original poster
catdoctor · 04/10/2011 13:51

Of course what worries me now is now we have a babe - DS 14mo and I feel a need to loo out for signs in him ?how much genetic basis, do you know?

OP posts:
suburbandream · 04/10/2011 14:10

The SEN boards are probably the best place - there are lots of very knowledgeable and friendly people over there. Also NAS has lots of info, here's a link to them www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx HTH

issey6cats · 04/10/2011 15:57

hi sorry had to go out my xh has aspergers his oldest son is high functioning autistic and his younger son is aspergers so a big genetic link and more in boys than girls so yes look out for signs in your son about 2 yrs old is normally when differences start to show and though i did a quick run through earlier yes a lot of what your DH does is sounding very aspie behaviour, getting a diagnosis wont make him change much but there are strategies that could be put in place to make your life easier as in understanding why he does what he does, my split with mmy OH is not all aspergers related but some of it was due to him not realiseing till it was too late what his behaviour effects on other people ie me

MrsMagnolia · 04/10/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hormonesnomore · 04/10/2011 23:26

Check signs here

This is what confirmed it for me. My ex has aspergers and was diagnosed by Maxine Aston

hormonesnomore · 04/10/2011 23:30

You make some sweeping generalisations MrsMagnolia but I'm glad your experience of AS has been positive - mine not so.

My ex was very concerned about my appearance and has a low tolerance of anything or anyone he considers as unattractive - he's extremely squeamish about it.

And he doesn't know the meaning of loyalty.

MrsMagnolia · 05/10/2011 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
catdoctor · 05/10/2011 11:06

Thank-you all so much for your input - I feel better if there's something I can do. I suppose the big thing for me is not feeling loved as none of the usual signs. Do you think he does love? Seems to love his baby and our pets in a more 'conventional' way - is there something I do that puts him off showing it to me ( assuming he does love me?!)

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/10/2011 11:26

catdoctor - I could have written your post. It is very hard isn't it.

DH shows no affection or emotional understanding. He is very very logical and states facts and doesnt understand why this might upset people.

For example last night he told me he didnt find me as attractive anymore as when we first met. This is likely true - I was 20, less stressed and hadn't had three DC's! However he didnt understand why this upset me.

He also announced last week that our wedding was a waste of money. He didnt enjoy our honeymoon. My cooking is not good. Etc etc.

If I cry he walks off. He doesnt initiate hugs or kisses. He doesnt like cuddling up. He never compliments me.

He is however affectionate with the DC's.

When I ask him if he loves me he gets very confused and insists he does. He says he would tell me if that changed and just to assume he does. Doesn't see why I might want to hear that he does.

I don't know what to do either. I am very affectionate / soppy / cuddly.

Original poster
catdoctor · 05/10/2011 11:40

Oh Peppa I've given up asking now, he just gets cross. I've learnt how to modify some of my behviour through trial and error but it takes immense mental effort to consider everthing I ask before I say it to avoid unpleasantness or to get something done. I think having our baby has brought it to a head as my (normally great) patience is used up on the babe and now I just end up losing my rag - which I think confuses him more as he doesn't see why calm wifey has become enraged wifey.

A diagnosis would help me I think because then all these comments you describe would be far less hurtful as they wouldn't be personal. Can you 'argue' with him - if you said, no our wedding was great value for money because of xyz, would he come some way to seeing your pont of view?

Why did you fall in love with him - I can't remember now!

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/10/2011 13:50

I fell in love with my DH as he was so calm and unruffled by things. I overlooked the signs and got married too young and too soon. I had just come out of a relationship with someone very emotional - jealous, had rages, very passionate. I liked the calm.

I then got swallowed up by years of babies where I didnt really have the energy to think. Now I realise just how bad things are Sad

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 13:57

Had to reply to this. My ex was the same and it ultimately made me HATE being around him. He would get OBSESSED with things and then just literally ignore everyone and everything around him. Like one time we were in a supermarket and he was looking for a specific thing. He found it, almost ran to it, grabbed it, sent the rest of the display flying in the process and just walked away grinning because he'd found what he was looking for. I was so angry and shouted at him "look what you've just done! for gods sake go and pick it up! don't just leave it for someone else to do!" and he turned around, looked confused and said "did I do that?? I didn't notice". It was so frustrating.

We booked a holiday one time, it was his first holiday, first time abroad etc and as soon as it was booked he completely zoned out from me and became obsessed with this holiday. Spent hours researching the place we were going to, emailed the holiday company with questions constantly and then one night we were about to have sex, he was putting on a condom (sorry, tmi!) and he suddenly stopped and said "I've just thought! we could book our excursions now so we don't have to do it when we get there, perhaps it would be cheaper?" wtf?

Other examples: "does my bum look big in this?" - "yes, have you been eating more lately?"/ "I hate this picture of me!" - "I do too, it's horrible."

And he also made the same mistakes over and over again. He never learnt anything. I feel for him because I can't see him ever being happy. The only way I could be happy was to get away from him.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/10/2011 14:27

Hullenzia - my DH will put the TV on during sex and comment on it. And yep - took one look at my graduation photo and declared I looked awful in it.

He actually said I looked nice in a dress the other day ... I looked like thisShock for hours...

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 14:43

Peppa, it's so soul destroying isn't it? I felt like I must be the most boring, unattractive person in the world because he showed no interest in me whatsoever. If I ever did manage to involve him in a conversation I was hoping to have it would last around 5 minutes before this happened:

Me - "I'd love to go to New York, you know I was thinking - next year we could start to save up and I'm sure we could do it for New Years eve you know - "

Him - "umm"

Me - "Do you think we could?"

Him - {looks panicked} {smiles} "new york!"

Me - Hmm "err yeah, so do you think we could do it?"

Him - "sorry, do what? I was watching the TV".

Then he wondered why I spent so much time talking to the dog. It all honesty, I felt that the dog listened to me more and cared about me more than he did.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/10/2011 14:55

You've all just described my dad.

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 14:59

Just want to add that having aspergers does not make you loyal. My ex was not loyal at all. He even admitted at one point that if someone better came along he'd go off with them as it's important to be happy. God forbid I did that though yet he couldn't see the hypocrisy in this. As long as he was happy, he didn't really give a shit about anyone else.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/10/2011 15:08

For me the never learning from mistakes thing really, really sticks out.

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 15:17

Yes eyebrows, that stuck out for me too. My ex got into so much debt he lost his house, his job and ended up being declared bankrupt. 2 years later he managed to get a dodgy 10000000% loan (bit of an exaguration but you know the type), didn't pay the repayments so ended up with debt collectors coming around again (remember this was only 2 years after he lost everything and got declared bankrupt which cleared his debts). So again, he ended up in trouble, having to agree repayment scheduals etc etc - eventually managed to pay that off and then instantly applied (and succeeded) for a 40% credit card. Within 6 months he'd maxed that out and started "forgetting" the repayments. I've since heard he's desperately trying to get a loan.

He will NEVER learn.

Original poster
catdoctor · 05/10/2011 16:46

Thank=you again to everyone - sorry for those feeling down - I feel better for hearing your stories coz its not just me!!

The not learning thing bothers me as DH frequently gets speeding points - goes on course, just goes speeding again - now we have had car accident - with babe in car, so now I think can I let him drive the baby around?

The more amusing (depending on how I feel) is letting food overcook - say I'm late home from work and generally find meal is still in oven, burnt to crisp - I say - why didn't you take it out and just keep it warm - he looks at me as if I am bonkers and then gets huffy as I'm 'getting at him'. But this happens over and over and over....

OP posts:
BlobChob · 05/10/2011 16:57

I personally couldn't deal with it at all catdoctor and left my relationship with an Aspergian after 10 months. After the initial whirlwind few months (during which they made huge efforts it seems to win my heart) it all died away and life became about them and them only. It was a total nightmare. I felt so isolated. It rendered me having to do all the changing and accommodating and losing myself. I wasn't prepared to be swallowed up in the end and said goodbye. Hats off to those that can cope and make it work though.

QuinnFabray · 05/10/2011 16:59

This thread is heartbreaking. It's very painful to hear you all talk about your failed relationships with Aspergers men. I have a ten year old son with Aspergers, and I know any future relationships he may have are going to be so difficult. And I know this first hand, because my husband is also Aspergers, and I fell out of love with him a long time ago. So torn between wanting to fight for the best for my son, yet finding living with an Aspergers man unbearable.

HullEnzia · 05/10/2011 17:07

Quinn, that is really sad :( You must feel so torn.

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