Porn

[EmpireBiscuit]

Looking for some sense to be talked into me...(and you all seem like a pretty honest bunch!)

I discovered on Saturday night that dh sometimes watches porn online when alone in the house. He says he doesn't do it often.

Now, I think I'm maybe overreacting but I feel disgusted. He knows I have strong feelings against strip clubs etc and I am at a loss to how he thought this wouldn't bother me.

I am massively insecure and can't get the thought of him pleasuring himself looking at prettier, thinner woman and comparing us. We are still talking etc but I feel odd about him seeing me naked, or even touching (let alone being intimate). I feel sad thinking about it all.

What do you all think? Huge over reaction or would you have similar feelings?

Thanks!

I know, I know MM.

John Malif while it's true that most men (and women, for that matter) will have watched some porn before, I don't subscribe to the idea that men 'use' porn. As in regularly.

The notion of some bloke fapping away to a blue screen as a regular part of his sexual repertoire is a bit sad. Besides which, the whole time he's just making himself a worse and more selfish lover.

If it's only occasional porn use then he should have no problems giving it up when he knows how much it's upset you.

You could always sit down with him and watch a channel 4 documentary called Hardcore, hit him with the realities of mainstream porn and what it really entails.

@Malificence,

Cognitive dissonance.

Define porn? Sexually attractive women are paraded across our screens 24/7.

The "porn" industry you refer to is just one component. Turn on the telly and you'll see ads for cosmetics, hair dye, clothes, etc, all involving women that the average bloke will want to shag. If you want examples of abuse to women just look at what our governments have done in Iraq.

It's more than a bit sad MH. Prolific porn use always seems to be a sure sign of an inadequate husband and father, in pretty much every way that's important.

@MrMan,

is it not possible for a man (parent) to contribute to a thread in a civilized manner without receiving a torrent of puerile abuse?

some of the "made for women" porn is extremely enjoyable if you watch it together. It is sensual and loving and nothing like what some of you lot are describing. My wife enjoys this as long as it's occasional.

Other than that most men I know are more into the amatuer stuff where people have filmed themselves! That old style American stuff is very 80's!

Porn can be addictive though and I have to say I have had
My momments. I find it tedious nowadays.

My Husband fought in Iraq to try and restore democracy and equality you fuckwit.

CheerfulSingsOut said what I was trying to say in her last sentence, damn these posters who can actually construct a decent reply!

It's fantastic that he has taken your feelings into consideration & vowed to stop watching the porn. The next step is, obviously, trying to rebuild that intimacy, I think, like anything, will take some time. Take it slowly and don't let yourself be rushed into something you may feel uncomfortable about!

Side question, as your issue with it all is, mainly, him looking at other women, are you ok with him still having 'alone time'?

@Malificence,
I studied the effects of DU on Iraqi civilians during my Phd. What you say is utter rubbish.

John39 so by that rationale, because women are abused in Iraq, it's ok to watch porn?! That's crazy.

The thing about most porn is that if you're a woman, you can tell it's obviously shit sex. No one comes from 3 minutes of being rammed dryly from behind. No woman gets sexual pleasure out of being made to gag on a penis.

The fact that men watching it either don't notice or don't care is hugely depressing.

No, of course not. However, those "actors" have a choice. They joined that industry. It's all relative.

That's why I prefer to watch real couples amateur stuff if I'm feeling a bit porn-y.

Because you can tell both parties are genuinely into each other. No one's being exploited or being paid more than the other one. And you get to see the woman Actually Have An Orgasm - there's nothing sexier imo.

Oh, and the sex is different for men and women argument is puerile and has no scientific evidence to back it up.

It's the type of misogynistic twaddle put about by people who refuse to take responsibility for the harm caused by their own behaviour.

It's also worth looking at Gail Dines' Pornland and Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender.

And on that note, farewell all.

Just as rapists think all other men are rapists, most regular porn users think other men always use porn. And of course, they tend to be friends with other porn users who reinforce their limited ideas.

These guys, for example, are not porn users

John39 it's prostitution on film is all it is.

Maybe you're ok with the idea of buying sex from a woman who, given the free choice, probably wouldn't want to sleep with you? I dunno. That's kind of a different thread.

But it's no different when it's on film. That woman is still being paid to fuck some guy she probably doesn't want to fuck.

Seriously, before you carve your opinions on porn in stone and refuse to budge on the argument, just go and watch the documentary, 'Hardcore'. If you still feel like porn's cool after you've seen that, then, well, at least you're coming to the argument from a more informed position.

John39 who said sex was different for men and women?

Sex should be an equal thing that's enjoyed as much by each party. Hence why 'plastic' porn is so shit. Because either one or both of them is pretending to be into it when they're not.

It's like the WWE of sex.

awomancalledhorse is right on the money. I don't care whether people are pro or anti porn, or whatever valid arguments are produced either way, but PLEASE can we put to bed this idea that whenever a man watches porn, he must be "comparing" his wife to it, and listing all her inadequcies to himself. This has just been made up, or assumed, with no evidence whatsoever. Maybe it comes from some women projecting their own natural feelings and assumptions about sex onto men, I don't know. It certainly has nothing to do with how most men are or think, about porn or sex in general.

OP - You have the right to your own values although I suppose your DH does too and if the subject hasn't been discussed before, then I don't suppose there's a basis for either party's assumptions and you'll just need to sort it out together from square 1. You've made a positive step posting here and should probably discuss it with others as well, as I think the important thing is to develop your own attitude based on critical thinking and not just acceptance of kneejerk assumptions.

I would say that this:

honestly my issue is that I can't stomach the thought of him feeling the need to look at other woman

rings pretty loud alarm bells for me. If your DH is a man, we can be as near as dammit to 100% sure that he always has and always will look at other women sexually. You might come to an agreement about no porn use specifically, and he may hold to it, but really if you feel that strongly about the sheer existence of non-monogamous desire in him, I think you have unrealistic expectations.