Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When did you know your marriage/relationship was over?

42 replies

RhinoKey · 30/09/2011 18:41

I am trying to make sense of mine and DH's relationship and how I feel about it.

When your marriage ended was it a gradual thing or was it a lightbulb moment where you realised it wasnt worth it anymore?

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 30/09/2011 18:45

Not a light bulb moment, no, more like a collection of small, seemingly inconsequential and disconnected events which suddenly all combined into a nuclear event!!!!!!

Now happily free of all that. Grin

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 30/09/2011 18:48

It was gradual in a way because he didn't support me and our children. He lay in bed, he spent hours at work or on the toilet (!). He had sexual fantasies that I was ok to oblige with in the fantasy sense, but not in the actual sense.

He just generally wore me down and at the end, I couldn't stand the fucking sight of him, and his touch caused me revulsion.

Maybe it was a lightbulb moment, but I just looked at him one night and thought "no more. You don't make me happy. You don't engage with our children. You put work first. You've promised to put it right for years and you haven't done".

Enough.

susiedaisy · 30/09/2011 18:49

When I realised that I no longer cared for him or loved
there was no big one lightbulb moment, it just happened over a period of time and I no longer felt any urge to try to save the marriage anymore and I realised that I couldn't give a shit where he was or what he was doing

cheesesarnie · 30/09/2011 18:51

what did you all say/do when you realised?

balia · 30/09/2011 18:52

I did have a lightbulb moment in one relationship - I was ironing while he lounged on the sofa watching telly. I burnt myself and yelled - he didn't even look round.

NanettaStocker · 30/09/2011 18:52

I was incredibly unhappy with XH. Then I met current DP. I think Pam from the American Office says it best:

"I shouldn't have been with Roy... and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you."

The reasons didn't matter til I felt true love and happiness and I knew I couldn't live without it any more.

PeterSpanswick · 30/09/2011 18:53

My previous relationship ended when the arguments stopped, funnily enough. After months of tearing each other's throats out we were able to sit comfortably together in our front room, neither of us even acknowledging the great, gaping hole in our relationship (I was growing close to my now DH after a long period of trauma and unhappiness re: ex's drinking) because it didn't even seem to matter anymore. When you're so disconnected from the relationship that you can't even be bothered to fight about it, you know it's over!

Chrononaut · 30/09/2011 18:55

when i realised the man i loved was stood right infront of me all that time and the one i was with was well...a very long and drawn out rebound

MangoMonster · 30/09/2011 18:55

In past relationships, it's been when I've banged my head against a brick wall so much that I just stopped caring, loss of respect for other person really and for our relationship together.

rubyrubyruby · 30/09/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMo1Land · 30/09/2011 18:59

On a bus in Lithuania with XP. I just looked at him and it was a real lightbulb moment - I knew it was over. A pure feeling of disdain.

Took 6 months to get myself sorted and actually leave, but it was over from then on.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 30/09/2011 18:59

I think the build up was gradual and very subtle. It actually took MN to make me realise how wrong and abusive the relationship was. Once I realised it was over it was a very definite moment but it still took 3 or 4 months to actually do something about it.

The final straw came when he threw DD's breakfast across the kitchen. I left the next day.

Theala · 30/09/2011 19:00

When I started fantasizing about him being killed in a tragic accident.

PeterSpanswick · 30/09/2011 19:00

The real lightbulb moment about my last relationship didn't come until my next one - DH and I were having a minor disagreement when it suddenly hit me that he would never dream of speaking to/ swearing at me like exp used to and that people who love you don't pounce on any opportunity to pour scorn and spite on you just to make you feel bad. It was a warm welcome to the world of civilised adult relationships and made me realise in an instant that my last relationsip wasn't normal!

imnobody · 30/09/2011 19:04

Theala I have those thoughts often. Sad

TastyMuffins · 30/09/2011 19:08

About a year after we separated! Even though he was a useless waste of space I had still been wondering if there was any hope we could get back together. Then I did some soul searching and realised I was better off without him and ready to move on.

susiedaisy · 30/09/2011 19:10

theala I used to have those thoughts Sad

SirSugar · 30/09/2011 19:11

I used to think something will change, it won't be like this forever, I won't be stuck in this abusive crap relationship forever. Didn't know how, and I was scared, and I didn't know about MN then.

And then he died, within three weeks of falling sick and I realised he was going to die before the doctors told us and I kept thinking; I'm going to be free

PeachyWhoCannotType · 30/09/2011 19:18

With XP, same as Nanetta: a hundred reasons to call off wedding, only one that motivated me to take the flack was meetiong Dh but I know we would have ended up with a painful split if we had married.

Theala · 30/09/2011 20:02

imnobody, then get out, it's over, and you will both be better off out of the relationship. especially you.

susied, I hope "used to" is because you got out?

AbbyAbsinthe · 30/09/2011 20:41

SirSugar, I welled up at your post Sad

Hope you're ok now.

juneybean · 30/09/2011 20:45

When I foolishly logged into her facebook and saw her telling her ex all about it :) nice.

HappyTangerine · 30/09/2011 20:55

Not a marriage but a 10yr relationship with XP. We were seeing a couples counsellor for the first time. After hearing us both speak, she laid into me, shouting. Apparently, I should never have promised my father on his deathbed that I would look after my mum and 9 year old sister, any problems in the relationship were my fault and was it any wonder that XP was always out and we never spent time together.

XP just sat there and said nothing. He later said he was a bit shocked and wasn't sure if it was right to defend me "at that time." He sort of got how hurt I was but that was a bit of a dealbreaker for me, it really showed how far apart we were. He wrote some half arsed letter to the counsellor expressing his shock and disappointment. I reported her to the BACP and left XP a few weeks later, 13 weeks before our wedding. Bes thing I ever did.

kunahero · 30/09/2011 21:00

when she interupted man city on the telly to say ' I dont love you any more, i think we should separate and I dont want to make this work but there is no one else' 26th jan 1998. can remember it like yesterday. Turns out she was shagging a 'good' friend who was also her sisters fiance. I left, we divorced and to make matters worse Man City lost 2-1

SirSugar · 30/09/2011 21:06

Abby, I am now with DP, a wonderful man whom I've known for years and always thought I wanted to be with Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread