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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In complete shock, help please

113 replies

inshockinshockinshock · 29/09/2011 16:47

Last night my dp and I were in bed sleeping, he woke me up to ask me yet more questions about my past (this is a regular thing, especially after he drinks) and we ended up arguing at 3am. This followed him leaving the house with a bottle of vodka and not coming back until this morning

Today my mum had an op to remove cancer, I had a 1/2 day from work to be with her afterwards and came home first. DP and I rowed again and whilst we were, his mum pulled up outside, so he starts yelling oh my mum can see your true colours now etc etc, so my response was to say 'when does she get to see yours, what about throwing the tea tin at my head so hard I had a lump the size of an egg or throwing your phone at me so hard I had a bruise that made my mum nearly vomit etc.

So dp was really mad by this point and backed me into the corner in the kitchen (his mum was still outside) and was screaming and raging in my face. I picked up a newspaper because his face was so close to mine it was frightening. He was frightening.

The next thing I knew my head slammed back, in to the cupboard, my nose popped and my teeth went through my lip. All this time his mum was outside. She took him away in the car after he had done it. He came back and is now refusing to leave saying he has to find somewhere else to go first.

I have to go out now to see my sick mum after her op with a lip so thick I can't speak and a swollen nose. He is telling me to say I opened the car door on my face.

He has apologised, but he says I drive him to it. I don't know what the fuck to do

OP posts:
iwillbefree · 29/09/2011 21:55

Sorry obviously didnt read the "whole thread thought it was just 1 page" glad you are home and safe. Please take the advice.

anniepanniepears · 29/09/2011 21:58

does anyone know if the op is safe

wellwisher · 29/09/2011 22:10

Call the police. Take photos of your injuries. Get the locks changed tomorrow before he finds his keys.

Do you have any children with this man?

foolonthehill · 29/09/2011 22:36

OP don't hide,

it's NOT your fault, you can be protected....but don't hide. We really don't want to sound bullying...but these lovely people have been thru' it too and most of us have wasted so many years

call the police, women's aid, a friend. We're right here if you need us.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2011 22:46

you need to call the police now today to get this on record.
so you can get him out of your house.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2011 22:49

you still need to call the police today to get this recorded and photos taken.

he is away -but they can still go round to where he is right now and arrest him. they will do so - please call police to report this tonight.

thunderchild · 29/09/2011 22:59

what they said. NOW.

And its only the drink inasmuch as "in vino veritas". He wont change.

He neads to be held to account before his daughter grows up with him as her imprinted model of male behavior,(not inevitable-granted-but highly likely) or she could well end up like you are now.

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 30/09/2011 07:44

How are you this morning?

EricNorthmansMistress · 30/09/2011 08:02

Have you reported it to the police yet?

Original poster
inshockinshockinshock · 30/09/2011 10:12

I am still a little shaky this morning, but I made it to work and got ds to school

We don't have any children together, thankfully

I haven't reported it to the police, but did take pictures last night. I am still trying to get the courage to do it

I have told my line manager at work whats happened

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 30/09/2011 10:19

Well done on telling your LM. What is their view(hopefully utterly supportive)? By telling people in RL you're getting it out there, he should have nowhere to hide after doing this vile thing to you.

Well done on being so brave when you probably feel wonky as hell inside.

Keep the pictures, and I hope you can report it asap. Where is he now?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 30/09/2011 10:22

Well done for telling your manager.

Original poster
inshockinshockinshock · 30/09/2011 10:39

She was great. She knows about past abuse and is a friend.

She has said the same as you all have. She has also said if i get back with him she never wants to hear another word about his behavious, her support will end there

OP posts:
CristinadellaPizza · 30/09/2011 10:40

Good on you for telling her. Will she go to the police with you? It might give you a bit of extra courage to have her there.

cestlavielife · 30/09/2011 10:56

well done for telling someone.
it is reallly important you tell the police today. ask you line manager to elt you go at lunchtime to the local polcie station. ask to speak to a domestic violence officer theyre wil be trained to know what to do.
while it is fresh. while you still shaky. so it is recorded and if he attacks you again there is a clear record.

otherwise you will slip back into bruises go down, he apologises and is nice nice...then it all starts again.

Snorbs · 30/09/2011 11:08

Could you ask your line manager to go with you to the police station?

CeliaFate · 30/09/2011 11:17

Call the police and have him arrested. You deserve better than this cretin who will end up hurting you even more. Please believe everyone on the thread and contact the police.

thedogwalker · 30/09/2011 11:29

You still need to think of how things sre going to be long term, he (I won't refer to him as DP) will not let this go, he will start the being very nice phase and try to woo you again. You must sort this out soon, get the locks changed, tell all of your family and friends, including his friedns what he has done to you, you must make this public and then you will get the support of all your friends etc and he hopefully will be too ashamed to try anything more. He is manipulative, hence him telling you that 'you drive him to it'. He will be planning his way back in to your life already, this kind of man doesn't give up so easily. I am not trying to scare you, but I do want you to realise what a devious man he is and prepare yourself and your home for his furure behaviour. I wish you the best of luck, you have made the best start by getting rid. Take care xx

ineedabodytransplant · 30/09/2011 11:34

inshock, I too only read the first line of your original post and thought wtf?

Is it jealousy, or is he just a controlling, selfish c**t?

I know there are instances of women beating men, but it seems there are many, many instances of men beating women. Makes me ashamed to be a bloke, that a coward can hit a women who he is suposed to love, then tells her to cover up for him.

As everyone keeps saying. Get the police involved. They are humans too, and I'll bet there are plenty of officers sickened by women being beaten by 'mr tough guy' just because they think they can get away with it.

Tell everyone you can, so people can look out for you. Wish I could be there the next time(and there will be a next time if it isn't nipped in the bud NOW), see how tough he is facing someone who won't take his shit.

You deserve to be able to live your life happily, and being with someone should mean sharing your problems. That someone shouldn't be the problem.

And don't listen when he apologises, just remind yourself why he is apologising......and what for. But do not believe him please

Good luck, your life is your own and we only get one. Don't throw yours away on a loser. Dump the twat, take a breather for yourself and get your life back.

And good luck to your mum.

(sorry to waffle)

Original poster
inshockinshockinshock · 30/09/2011 11:42

Thanks ineedabodytransplant

OP posts:
fergoose · 30/09/2011 11:58

I am so sorry you have been put through this and I really hope you can be brave enough to go and report this to the police. You have already gone through something so horrific, believe me going to the police will not be anywhere near as frightening as what you have been through.

I know there is such finality, if you report him there is no going back is there and that is so hard, but you won't regret it I promise you.

If your daughter, sister, friend, neighbour was going through this would you not be making the call and encouraging them to go? Trust me, I didn't report someone for this, and 15 years later I so regret it. Think how you will feel in the future if you don't do this now, what if he does it again to you or to someone else. Once you have reported it it's done and dusted, you will be so proud of yourself.

I wish you lots of love, luck and strength x

DontTellAnyonebut · 30/09/2011 12:22

OP, call the cops. You don't want to recover and then have to wait to the next time he breask your nose to have evidence against him. It needs to be logged that he hits you.

AnyF · 30/09/2011 12:59

If I was your line manager, I would accompany you to the police station myself

Would he/she do that with you ?

You need to reach out and accept the help. You cannot withstand this on your own. If you try, you are more likely to cave in when he turns on the Mr Nice Guy full-of-remorse I-am-a-bad-person-I need-you-to-help-me rubbish

What steps are you taking to make sure he never comes back into your life again ?

PeppermintPasty · 30/09/2011 13:32

I meant to ask you how your Mum is OP? hope she's doing ok.

heggertyhaggerty · 30/09/2011 13:42

If you call them now, you will have the injuries, it will all be fresh in your mind, you can give proper evidence and that way they have it written down and you can start to try and forget a little bit and live your life.

Please don't let this bastard get away with it, or he will do it to someone else and perhaps more relevantly, you'll be really angry later on and you'll be regretful that you didn't get him banged up when you had the chance.

Please just tell them. He's a bully and bullies do stop sometimes but only if someone tells on them.